I should think this will do the trick until Christmas is over.
Dear Combined Gas & Electricity Supplier,
Yes, thank you, I did receive your third reminder that I have failed to pay my gas and electricity bills to date. It was very nice of you to go to the trouble and expense of sending it to me. I know how difficult things are for you financially in these doom-filled times what with your profits rising by only one hundred and eighty-three percent. I really do wish I could help you out, but I can’t, not right at this moment, because I have to go away for a while to care for my father’s second uncle twice removed on my mother’s side who has a rare case of beri-beri that he contracted last week when he was caught in a monsoon on the far-flung tundras of the Sahara Rain Forest.
I’m sure you understand what a predicament I was in. Do I pay my gas and electricity bills or do I use the money to dash across the world to tend to my kin in his most desperate hour of need? I hear he is bed-ridden, strapped to a hammock with a vine and a tiger bone, left to writhe and cry out in agony all day and all night. Tell me, what other answer than ‘Go, Dotty, go,’ could I have given myself?
On my return I shall recompense you in full if you do not cut off the supplies. I wouldn’t wish to return home with my mother’s grandfather’s sister’s wife only to find myself unable to give her yuletide warmth and sustenance after her brush with death – if she makes it through the seething fevers that wrack his old bones that is.
Bless you for your kindness and compassion, SouthernNorthEastWestern Gas & Electric Company. I love you.
Yours in eternal gratitude,
your ever adoring customer,