A good game for hermits to play is Consonant Swap. It’s a bit like Countdown, it keeps your brain from shrinking and also you can laugh at people, but it doesn’t have Nick from The Apprentice on it (I liked him better than Margaret). It has no rules except you have to swap AT LEAST the first letters of the christian and surname but no vowels can move. If either of the names begins with a vowel, ie Andy Roper, (a nutter who used to chase me down the street every day), you just move the consonants on the surname and voila, Andy Roper becomes Randy Oper which the weirdy perv should have been named in the first place (it might or might not be coincidence but many swaps produce very apt alternatives). Some hermits might choose to move a vowel but that’s the bastard version, unlicensed and illegal, and the game is called CONSONANT SWAP. Idiots.
Consonant Swap isn’t merely an amusement, it can double up as a weapon (see Weaponry). If family and friends persisit in visiting you what you do is you point your finger in their face, laugh like a witch (or if you are a man, a witch’s bitch) and call them by their Consonant Swap name, always. This works wonderfully – an ex friend of mine was able to alienate her mother forever by using this game as a weapon – her mother’s name is Maggie Slater, her Consonant Swap name is Slaggie Mater.
My Consonant Swap name is strange and creepy. No one should laugh at it.
Dotty Headbanger = Hotty Deadbanger.
Here’s a little list to say out loud. Friar Tuck is not on it.
David Cameron = Cavid Dameron (boring either way round)
Nick Clegg = Click Negg (ditto above comment)
Kate Middleton = Mate Kiddleton (awww)
Jude Law = Lude Jaw (HAHAHAHAHAHA – I like that one. I’m so funny)
Robert Pattinson = Pobert Rattinson (from cool to fool)
Justin Bieber = Bustin Jieber (makes no difference, I don’t know who he is anyway but my niece likes him)
Calista Flockhart = Flalista Cockhart (????)
Katie Holmes = Hatie Kolmes (yes she does, looking at the state of her hair)
Britney Spears = Spitney Brears (but she’s mental, she’s allowed to spit)
Meryl Streep = Streryl Meep (not funny)
Christie Brinkley = Bristie Chrinkley (well she is knocking on a bit)
Will Smith = Smill With (even not funnier)
Kelly Brook = Belly Krook (in what way? does she do grafitti on it when you’re not looking?)
Bruno Mars = Muno Brars (sounds pervy)
Nina Dobrev = Dina Nobrev (ahemmmmm!)
Sean Bean = Bean Sean (if you say this correctly first time I’ll give you a lollipop)
Jack Black = Black Jack (I don’t like him)
Rooney Mara = Mooney Rara (this happened to me in the 80’s when my rara skirt blew up in the wind)
I can’t think of any more. I need a lie down now anyway, the memory of that gust of wind has traumatised me.