I am trying to remain calm. I am trying not to panic so that when I phone the police I can explain exactly what is happening in a way that will make them take me seriously without them threatening to charge me with wasting police time again. But in case something happens to me before I can make my statement, or if the police refuse to come to my house again and then something happens to me, I am writing it all down and publically pinning it up on this blog and then the police will be sorry, won’t they?
Asda is trying to kill me. Or to be exact Walmart is trying to kill me, that big American shop that bought Asda. They’re trying to kill me with their Cumberland Sausages that contain more heart attack fat than Tesco Cumberland Sausages but milk is cheaper at Asda so I have to do all my online shopping there or I’ll have to pay another fiver for delivery. If you add up all the extra heart attack fat I’m consuming every day when I eat my packet of Cumberland Sausages, Asda will have killed me by the time I am 79 years old. 79! If I could get Tesco Cumberland Sausages without having to pay their milk prices I’d have another 3 months of life to live in my house. (I wonder if the police would pick up and deliver some Tesco Cumberland Sausages for me? I’ll mention it – you don’t get if you don’t ask.) Asda shouldn’t try to kill people, it’s not fair to take a hermit’s money every week and then take their life. Oh. Oh. I wonder if they need my life FOR their Cumberland Sausages. That would explain it. Yes.
I’m ringing the police in a minute after I’ve finished my sandwich. Think of me here, dying with every bite. Asda, you should be force fed your own Cumberland Sausages, you sly, evil murdering supermarket. Shame on you.