I make no apologies for the length of this post. It’s about Cumberland sausages and Cumberland sausages are my favourite, favourite food. Nothing can take away from the sheer joy of eating a Cumberland sausage, even the psychotic killers Asda can’t spoil them for me, (see Dotty Will Soon Be Done For). I limit myself to a packet a day, just a small pack of eight. I could eat and eat and eat them. They are beautiful.
What makes a Cumberland sausage different from other sausages? I’ll tell you – apart from their superior taste they have the versatility of no other sausage. They’re so well-made that they’re not only a Cumberland sausage, they can be anything you want them to be – not like Lincolnshire sausages that contain unidentified green bits. When I tried to make a Lincolnshire sausage curtain pole the links weren’t strong enough to hold up my cream Jaquard curtains, (I used Lincolnshire instead of Cumberland because I thought the green bits would set off the cream. Never again). Also, Lincolnshire sausages taste like green, in fact they were probably named after the colour Lincoln green because they do taste like Lincoln green which reminds me of my dear dead Daddy’s Land Rover that he cried over when some random teenage delinquent stranger borrowed it one day to go for a little drive to Beachy Head, but the driver’s door would never catch properly and stay shut unless you knew the trick to it, and she fell out half a minute too early onto the cliff top. Maybe that’s what the green bits are in Lincolnshire sausages, bits of old car. Hmm, yes, I believe so.
The unlimited versatility of Cumberland sausages really is unlimited. I’ve been eating them for years but six months ago, when I learned they can be cooked, a whole new world was opened up to me. Besides discovering my frying pan and my grill and my George Foreman (except I don’t use that now, it looks like a big toothless mouth when it’s open), I realised that when cooked the Cumberland sausage is better than any food of the gods. If Cumberland sausages had been invented when the gods had only boring old nectar to sup I’d bet my right ear on which would have been the more famous of them today because think about it, can nectar replace a broken door handle like a Cumberland sausage can? No it can’t. Can you make a pretty nectar over-blanket? No you can’t. If you’re roasting a chicken and, during the testing-to-see-if-it’s-cooked bit you accidentally break it, can you weld the leg or the wing or whatever back on again with nectar? No you can’t, but you can with a piping hot, carefully pricked, carefully aimed Cumberland Sausage Welder.
Many items that we take for granted in our daily lives could easily be chucked out and replaced with Cumberland Sausages. For example —-
(NB – I shouldn’t have to explain what to do here, but for normal readers who lack the imagination and creativity of we who are mental, I will).
Humane mouse-traps – Throw them out. Bung Cumberland sausages into the mouseholes. Yes the mice will eat them, that’s the point. Keep bunging Cumberland sausages into the holes the second you see they are empty and soon the mice will be too fat to move and you can just pick them up with a shovel and throw them outside. This will be a great personal sacrifice of part of your own daily portion of Cumberland sausages but it’s worth it in the end.
Nails – Throw all your nails away because PVC doors are no good for nailing notes onto if you’re the social butterfly type and go out to the shop once a week and it happens to be the day when the gasman is due and you need to tell him never to come back. Heat a Cumberland sausage until piping hot, make a thin slit about 5mm from the end to slot the top of your note into. As the fat cools and congeals it will fix your note to the Cumberland sausage. Secure the other end of the Cumberland sausage into your letterbox with the note on the outside of the door. Result, the gasman won’t be back and you have a cold Cumberland sausage for when you get back.
Spoons – Throw all your spoons away. Learn to sculpt your Cumberland sausages. Keep your metal ladle for when you make Cumberland sausage stew and dumplings because no matter how well you sculpt your Cumberland sausage spoons, they’ll never be big enough for a good helping of stew.
Ice grips for the bottom of your shoes - Don’t buy them. Measure how many Cumberland sausages you need for ONLY ONE SHOE. Cut the Cumberland sausages in half lengthways and now you have the required amount for two shoes. Staple them onto the soles. You can also use Cumberland sausages instead of buying Party Feet gel pads.
Ergonomic laptops or keyboards or mousepads, in fact all ergonomic items can be thrown away and replaced with your own custom-fitted Cumberland sausages items.
Other uses —-
Finger puppets – Cut the ends off your Cumberland sausage. Carefully scoop out a little of the sausage meat but not too much or you’ll only have skin. Wiggle your finger inside until the sausage fits. Repeat with each finger you want a puppet for. Decide which Cumberland sausage will be mother (usually the one that fits the index finger – daddy is in the middle). Make her face by pressing on bits of burnt Cumberland sausage that you saved from the frying pan and repeat for all the family. Make her boobs by sticking on two of the ends that you chopped off earlier. Ends can also be used as a hat for daddy, knee-pads for skater-boy son, hairstyle for daughter, or a family pet such as a dachshund. (See Warning/Hobbies For Hermits)
Emergency toothbrush – When you drop your toothbrush down the loo and you’ve none left in your stockpile, use a Cumberland sausage.
Ditto above when you’ve used your last drop of moisturiser.
Use Cumberland sausages to plug taps that drip and drip and drip and drip and drip and drip until you don’t know whether it’s the tap dripping or the ghost of the dead pirate drowned at sea coming to get you.
Use Cumberland sausages as emergency fake moustaches /teeth/witches fingers when people say they are coming to visit you and you need them not to.
Use Cumberland sausages as cake decorations, for those posh cakes decorated round the sides with upright Cadbury’s Fingers. Cumberland sausages are a pretty alternative.
Oh, I could write and write about Cumberland sausages. But I’ll stop now and let you discover wonderful things about them for yourself. I’ll just say one more thing – you are in for such a treat.
Bon appetite, bloggy people!