Scotty Has Bricked Up My Front Door


He’s finished it. And he made a better job of it than I could. Very neat, and he painted it and did all the tidying up afterwards. He’s having a little sleep now so I’ve got time to do some blog.

I don’t think I told you much last time, did I, except about our shopping trip to the 24 hour Tesco. Okay well, Scotty arrived about 1.05 am the night before last (twelve taps on the kitchen window and a noise that’s supposed to sound like an owl but never does, bless him). He looked different from the last time I saw him, bigger, much BIGGER and when he took his coat off I saw his arm muscles and they were the BIGGEST ARM MUSCLES I’D EVER SEEN, like DEAD PUPPIES curled up under his skin, and his chest looked like a GIANT’S CHEST and I asked him if he’d been going to a gym (he doesn’t normally join things unless he’s on a job and in disguise) and he said no, it was the job before last that had required him to spend a long time lifting a lot of rocks and boulders in order to look inside caves to see if his target was there. He couldn’t tell me WHO the target was, he never can (outright), but he did a lot of nodding and winking towards my waste paper basket, saying ‘That BIN‘s a bit LADEN, Dotty’ and finally I got it. Ha! But OF COURSE they would have HAD to hire Scotty after all that time spent looking. I should have realised before now.

When we were eating our Cumberland sausage sandwiches (he ate eight of them) he said he was sorry he couldn’t make it back for Christmas, he would have been here, he really, really wanted to be but he was stuck in LIBYA trying to find a way back out again (another job done, isn’t he clever) and he couldn’t find a post box to send me my Christmas card (that explains his tan – I’ll admit I was A BIT worried at first when I saw him, I thought he’d joined a gym with a sunbed in it and become all fairy-fied and metro-sexual like a big muscly PONCE, not that big muscly ponces aren’t nice people or anything). And he looked so sad at missing Christmas that I had a GREAT IDEA (which led to the shopping trip to the 24 hour Tesco) – tomorrow I’m going to make a PRETEND CHRISTMAS DAY for Scotty. You should have seen him when I said we’re going to have a pretend Christmas - he had tears in eyes and I had to punch him one in the face to stop him blubbing, the big girl. We finally found all the decorations, (after a big hunt through my collections because I couldn’t remember where I’d put them), we’ve put the tree up, the turkey and the goose and everything are happily defrosting away and Scotty finished bricking up the front door (yes, I know I’ve already told you that, now I’m telling you again. So what?) He’s painted it white and at the bottom he’s painted a fireplace so it doesn’t look like a front door was ever there at all, it looks like a CHIMNEY BREAST! Not to be boastful or anything but Scotty is the BEST BIG BROTHER IN THE WORLD. Little Donkey is playing softly on the CD player, Scotty is snoring away on the sofa, the tree lights are twinkling, everything feels Christmassy AND IT’S SNOWING! Not bad for a pretend Christmas, eh?

I put the present I had bought for Scotty at Christmas under the pretend Christmas Christmas tree. I didn’t have to hunt for it, I knew exactly where it was and I went straight to it – it was in the place I always keep his Christmas present when Christmas is done with and he hasn’t turned up -  it was in the wooden bread bin that isn’t really a bread bin it’s SCOTTY’S PRESENT RECEPTACLE although it does still say BREAD BIN on the front. I can’t remember what’s in the present though so I’m just as excited to see what I got him as he is.

The present he brought me is a secret, I can’t tell you what it is, but after I shot Simon (see A Statement From The Accused) and the thieving police took all my guns away, Scotty knew just what I wanted and HE GOT ME IT. He’s also giving me his old sniper rifle sock, which has been used in some FAMOUS WAYS, because he just bought himself a new one, (a sock) state of the art – it has all the usual bells and whistles but it also has a BUILT-IN SATELLITE NAVIGATION SYSTEM which would have been useful for helping him out of LIBYA if he’d had it then. The sock, I mean, the new one not the old one, hang on yes the old one, that’s the one I mean, not the new one, he’s just bought that. Oh look, you’re confusing me now. I’m not talking about it any more.

 I’m going to dig out the Christmas Pudding that’s at the back of the kitchen cupboard. I haven’t seen it for a few years but I know it’ll be there, EVERYONE has a Christmas Pudding at the back of their kitchen cupboard.

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin’s on his way …….


Leave a comment


  1. Goddess bless, my friend. You do me a great good when you post — I don’t feel so all alone! I’m glad you and Scotty had a nice pretend Christmas — and the snow was a very nice touch! He SOUNDS like the best big brother in the world!

  2. Fizzy

     /  February 10, 2012

    Yay for a pretend christmas, what a great idea,have a great time you two :-D

    • Dear Fizzy,
      Thank you, we will – if Scotty doesn’t start getting all sentimental and nostalgic which always results in me having to kick his head in to stop him crying like a baby.
      Love Dotty xxx

  3. Fizzy

     /  February 10, 2012

    bahahaha ! :-D

  4. Dear Dotty,
    I always thought it was:
    jingle bells… Batman smells…Robin laid an egg….

    But then why would Batman’s sidekick lay and egg? I am soo confused…

    • Dear the howler and me,
      I’ve never heard of him laying an egg. But then again I can’t remember the rest of the song so he might lay eggs all the way through it for all I know.
      Love Dotty xxx

  5. I knew it. Scotty is of the same loins as yourself. There goes my big idea of calling him for help when you act out. xo

    • Dear Gobby,
      See, I have back-up.
      Love Dotty xxx

      • Of course you have back-up. Always will, on both sides of The Pond, now. Tsk. Don’t you get me all sodden. I’ll bend your finger back, for that. If Scotty doesn’t get to you first.

      • Dear Gobby,
        Don’t mention bent fingers in front of Scotty. He’s a bit sensitive about that topic at the moment.
        Love Dotty xxx

  6. Fake Christmas sounds better than real Christmas.

  7. if you hadn’t crossed out sniper rifle i was on my way to making a really good guess as to what scotty does…….i am now again all at sea

  8. bpshielsy

     /  June 14, 2013

    I’ve been away from posting until recently. I’d forgotten how much ur posts make me smile :D

    Lets face it, we need to call a spade a spade. If ur a baby is not astecticaly (I can’t spell that damn word) pleasing… I do believe the correct term is ‘fuck ugly’!

    • Dear shielsy,

      Thank you. :-)

      I always feel sorry for the parents – surely something inside them tells them their baby is fuck ugly – ha, fugly – there should be a fugly babies club. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx


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