Come Back Runaways And All Will Be Forgiven

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE MY TWO ABSCONDING FOLLOWERS GONE?

I got one new one today which should have taken the total to 81 (or 80 if you don’t include me) but TWO OTHERS RAN AWAY FROM ME. Why would they do that? I’m not horrible to you all, am I? I don’t hit you with big sticks, do I? I don’t make you do dances for me (though I have thought of asking), nor do I make you wash the dishes or make my bed or cook my Cumberland sausages. So WHY would TWO OF YOU run away?

Have they eloped? Good luck to them if they have, but COULDN’T THEY HAVE LEFT ME A NOTE? What have I done to make them reject me so publically and so cruelly? Don’t they have hearts? Don’t they know what rejection DOES to a SHE-HERMIT? 

I’ll give them till tonight to come back and BEG FORGIVENESS. If they haven’t returned by 10.oopm that’s it, they’re on their own, I don’t care what trouble they get themselves into - they’ll have made their choice, they’ll have to live with it. And I’ll disinherit them. I’ll cut them out of my will and out of my LIFE. And I’ll give all their clothes to the charity shop. And I’ll write all over their shoes with a BLACK MARKER PEN. And I’ll sell their computers on Ebay and KEEP THE MONEY.

10.pm. That’s your deadline, traitors.

 

 

EDIT EDIT EDIT — A KIND WORD FROM ME TO YOU

You are all like my children, innocent and needy, and I AM AFRAID FOR YOU when you venture out into the big wide WordPress alone. Come back, Child, and other Child, and I’ll make you a nice cup of HOT CHOCOLATE and give you a HOBNOB to dunk in it.

 

ANOTHER EDIT —

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK. I NEED YOU. I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU. I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

 

 

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20 Comments

  1. Alan

     /  February 15, 2012

    Dear Dotty, I know how you feel. The rejection! But you seem well ahead of the game with ‘likes’ and ‘followers’. I’ve only a handful :-(
    The usual punishment for deserters is…a firing squad. If I find any of yours I shall repatriate them.

    Reply
  2. Hi. just found you. and I guess now It would not be cool to lose you. uh oh!

    Reply
    • Dear Angela,
      Hello, come in, welcome. I’ll just clear a chair for you to sit down. Would you like a Cumberland sausage? Or a pack of McCain’s Chippy Chips? Or a five pound note? You can have whatever you want. I love you.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dotty, honey, this is a perfect post for a stats junkie to read! I am sitting on 100 right now, and my views have fallen way off the last couple of days. I find myself frantically digging in my brain for a topic that will make people love me again. And then I stop, and remember, that I am getting more good out of the blog than anyone else, and the panic subsides. From the sounds of it, you are definitely benefitting from writing this blog. People will come, and come back — keep on being you!

    Reply
  4. I cannot understand these people. Once found you are forever entertaining. Two going at the same time seems like a conspiracy. Check your local grassy knoll

    Reply
    • Dear Pete,
      If they’re in the grassy knoll they are either A: Hiding from me or B: Murdered! And it wasn’t me! What if I’ve got a serial killer on my blog? Oh-oh, panic attack….
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. dnim detrevortni

     /  February 15, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Please do not be sad. Those that leave do not see the value of the pearl which they discard.
    “If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
    Love,
    Dnim

    Reply
    • Dear dnim,
      I don’t think they CAN return, I think I need to phone CSI Yorkshire. I think they’ve been MURDERED in the grassy knoll.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Everyone,
    Panic over, they haven’t been murdered, the police did a thorough check and the police helicopter shone its big light down on the grassy knoll for a long time. I saw it all from my bedroom window. I got an On-The Spot Fine of £200.00 and another Caution for telling them about the two dead bodies on the grassy knoll (and they wonder why people don’t LIKE the police). So what I did is I told them where to find PETE DENTON and I told them he will PAY THE FINE because it was all his fault in the first place for telling me about the murders.
    Love Dotty xxx

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,
    Some people are just chickenshits. At least they make good fertilizer for grassy knolls.
    Yours,
    Owl

    Reply
    • Dear owl,
      Yes they are and yes they do. The deadline for their return has been and gone — do you know any Bounty Hunters or any Private Detectives (preferably without stupid hats)?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    today i ate some cumberland sausages and roast kale, not quail. It was ok.
    Perhaps some of your followers are a bit, say we say ‘Mental’ which is just reclaiming the word after all and have off weeks? I know its no excuse but they might have been locked up and will be in touch when they get out.
    I’m still travelling to Tartarus with Hades and I will eventually post about it; this place sucks the life out of you to be honest.
    Hope you’re coping and where has your bro gone – I must’ve missed that bit.
    love PJ
    ps the fuzz are fuckers innit

    Reply
    • Dear Persephone,
      Hiya!! Hmmm, they might have been locked up but it’s unlikely. I’ve been checking the house to see if they pinched any collections. I don’t have a brother any more – if you’re referring to that FUCKING ARSEWIPE JUDAS you’ll find the whole sorry tale if you go down the page a lot until you reach A Long List Of Shitey Stuff. WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO ME! Persephone, he BETRAYED me. Will you ask Hades to smite him, please?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    I have my Justice Hat on (its part of my wifely duties anyway) and I looked into your case, I mean blog. I’m not looking in anyones travelling bags don’t worry – and I believe something Must Be Done and although Hades doesn’t do the smiting, he knows a man who does so I will put it to him. Don’t hold your breath though he’s got a lot on at the mo. Tartarus is a mess, all systems down don’t ask etc.
    Peace and Love Dotty; after winter comes spring and fresh growth and more importantly fresh air!
    P x
    ps do you know the whereabouts of your Judas bro at the mo? it would save time.

    Reply
    • Dear Persephone,
      I don’t know where he is, probably at Lottie’s. I got a note from him two days ago but it’s still in my pocket. I’ll give you nice things if you can get him smited for me.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. At least your followers are real people…supposedly… I have gone to the sites of some of my followers only to find out that they do not exist, or a just a front for a criminal organization.

    Reply

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