Short Dotty Film Review Of All The Twilight Films

I'm not putting a picture of ugly Pobert on my little blog so you can look at the book instead

 

 

Pobert Rattinson (see Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game) is one of the ugliest fuckers ever to show himself on my telly. His face looks like someone smacked it repeatedly with a gravestone. He resembles Stefan Somerhalder (see Totty On The Telly), my lovely Ian Somerhalder’s ugly brother from THE VAMPIRE DIARIES.

In the films Pobert is a vampire and he has a girlfriend who is human. Ring any bells? Yes, of course it rings bells, a BIG fucking ding-a-ling of bells, because IT’S A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. And yes, I HAVE read the books, the first three anyway, and putting aside THE VAMPIRE DIARIES rip-off issue the books are a zillion times better than the films for these four reasons –

1.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

2.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

3.  Pobert’s ugly face isn’t in the books.

4.  HALF THE STORY IS MISSING.

So don’t bother watching these films, they’re shite. You should read the books instead - PROPER books with PAPER PAGES.

 

Score  – 0 out of 10

 

Leave a comment

12 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty, If you know who Zoolander is — a character in a movie played by Ben Stiller, you’ll understand what I’m going to say. If not look him up so you can compare them. Zoolander’s big thing was the sucked in cheeks — and Pattinson has those cheeks sucked in on every single formal picture he’s had taken. It’s actually pretty funny.

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      I’m so ashamed he was spawned by a British woman. He’s got one of those faces you want to punch. He makes me cringe he’s so ugly.
      Love Dotty xx

      Reply
  2. I love metatheses too Hotty Deadbanger. I don’t know if you follow American politics, but currently the republican front-runner and right-wing moron Sick Rantorum.
    I also remember fondly the Reverend Spooner of Newcastle College, who made such great quips when delivering his sermons as:
    “Mardon me Padam, you are occupewing the wrong pie. Can I sew you to a another sheet?”
    On other occasions he preached that the lord not only delivered a “blushing Crow”, but was also a “shoving leopard.”

    Tell me do you put shitted feets on your bed?

    Also, to hear or read a true master of metatheses, you HAVE to check out Lirty Dies and learn all about the misadventures of Haris Pilton.

    Doss Reforrest

    Reply
    • Dear Doss,
      Yes, I do follow American politics to the extent that I know they’re all a set of idiots like the idiots in British politics. I don’t need to know anything else.
      Never, never, call me Hotty Deadbanger again. The implications of that name are vile and distressing. Also, I invented the Consonant Swap game (see Dotty’s Consonant Swap Game) before anyone else in the world had ever heard of it so I’ll be seeking royalties from all who play it. That will £23,000.00, please, payable in pounds sterling only. Thank you.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. I think the reverend Spooner, who has been dead for about 150 years, might have beat you on that for a few years and that is why they call them “Spoonerisms”. Did I tell you that I invented air?

    Reply
  4. Yes,
    and shortly after that great innovation — before that people were not able to breath, let alone use cell phones — I noticed how thirsty people were, so I rolled up my sleeves and invented water. Nice to meet you as well Dotty :)
    Ross

    Reply
  5. I do not watch anything about vampires ever, because they suck…ha!

    Reply

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