All is fine with the world today and all is fine with me and Scotty as long as he sticks to the RULES.
Rule 1 – I don’t want to hear any mention of Lottie, including her name, unless I specifically ask about her.
Rule 2 – Scotty has to stop using his MISSPELLING TRICKS on me.
Rule 3 – He has to promise never to read this little blog.
Rule 4 – He has to promise never to put me away.
Rule 5 – He has to promise to INFORM ME IMMEDIATELY if Lottie ever contacts him regarding ME.
Rule 6 – He has to promise he will never again ask me for bacon that is not accompanied by Cumberland sausages.
Rule 7 – He has to promise never to con me into getting rid of my collections.
Rule 8 – No more lies.
Rule 9 – No more tricks.
Rule 10 – He has to promise he won’t blame me if Interpol catch him because it was HIS OWN FAULT I BLABBED ON HIM.
Rule 11 – He won’t try to sue me if he needs CORRECTIVE SURGERY (and it does look as though he WILL need it – the finger is bent backwards at the knuckle nearest the nail).
Rule 12 – He won’t try to sue me for LOSS OF EARNINGS.
Rule 13 – He won’t blame me if his aim is off when he does go back to work.
Rule 14 – HE WILL START PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR ALL HIS CHILDREN (see Dotty’s Family Tree)
Rule 15 – He will never mention the new house in the middle of nowhere.
Rule 16 – He will cancel the tenancy agreement for the house in the middle of nowhere (I made him do the email while I stood behind him watching carefully).
Rule 17 –
Rule 18 –
Rule 19 –
Rule 20 –
The last 6 are left blank because I know I’ll think of more rules for him and I didn’t want him to think he’d got off easily becausse there were only 13.
I presented the rules to him when he came to the door. He read through them and agreed to them all. After I’d checked his bag (more about his bag in a minute) and frisked him and he’d stripped down to his undies for me to check for wires, I made us some coffee and a pile of Cumberland sausage sandwiches and we sat at the kitchen table. He had the first sandwich down his neck in three seconds flat. He ate five before he wiped his mouth, had a gobful of coffee and told me he wasn’t keen on the food Lottie served him – STEW – but not a particular stew, just stew made with vegetables and STEWING MEAT. When he asked her if the meat was beef or pork she shrugged and said she didn’t know. He shuddered when he told me that every night he had to surreptitiously pick out the lumps of UNIDENTIFIED STEWING MEAT and hide them down the sides of his RIGGER BOOTS and he was successful in this until the eldest BERSERKER, Prissy, spotted what he was doing and blackmailed him into buying her a PRINCESS PORNY doll (they’re not really called Princess Porny, that’s just Scotty’s way of highlighting the unsavoury prevalence of unsuitably attired dolls on the market nowadays – he’s very moralistic when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS). Personally I don’t see anything wrong with STEWING MEAT. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, and who can afford to buy a bit of best beef just to stick in a stew anyway? Not me, and not Lottie either by the sounds of it.
When Scotty had finished telling me about the stew he opened his bag and pulled out a carrier bag full of CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES. Then he pulled out another carrier bag full of McCAIN’S CHIPPY CHIPS. Very sweet of him to bring me presents. But then he asked if he could put his bag UP IN HIS ROOM and I said what fucking room? and he started pleading and begging for me to let him stay, saying he couldn’t stand another night at Lottie’s, he was frightened THE BERSERKERS would kill him in his sleep, one of them had already broken the finger next to the trigger finger that I broke when she danced on his foot with her rollerblades on – he held the new broken finger in the air and I must say the little sod did a good job on it, the one I broke was bent backwards but she had managed a SIDEWAYS AND DOWNWARDS BEND and I felt a sense of pride that she is MY niece.
I did feel a bit sorry for him but not enough to let him stay, not after last time. I don’t fully trust him yet and I can’t cope with having another person in my house with me all the time so no, I won’t let him stay but we agreed that he’ll come here every day for his dinner and stay all afternoon till he’s had his tea which means he’ll only have to eat breakfast at Lottie’s and as she doesn’t serve stew for breakfast he’s okay with the meal arrangements. He’s not so pleased about having to continue sleeping in the same house as THE BERSERKERS but tough titty, they’re his nieces too, he’ll just have to learn not to be scared of them and anyway, if his trigger finger has healed properly he’ll be back at work soon so he won’t be there for long (he said there’s a new job coming up in another MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY in the near future – a few governments have been in touch with him about his costs and expenses). So we’re all sorted again, brother and sister reunited and back on happy terms. All good.
I have to go and floss the Cumberland sausage bits out of my teeth now. If I’ve run out of floss I’ll just have to swill.