Morning Has Broken, So Has My Toaster

 

Little Emily stayed with me last night. We talked for hours about all sorts of family things, our fathers, our mothers, our brothers, our sister(s), and we talked about me being a she-hermit and what we could do to stop me being a she-hermit but we couldn’t come up with anything feasible that didn’t involve her punching me a lot. She did have one idea, that I should accompany her on her walks on the moors, which sounds lovely, I miss going for walks on the moors, but to get to the moors we’d have to go through the village and PEOPLE are in the village and PEOPLE won’t just mind their own fucking business and let others get on with theirs, they want to say HELLO. Why? Trot on, nosey fuckers. And if they say HELLO and you can’t say it back to them they give you evil stares and you KNOW they’ll be talking about you for weeks, ‘oooh, you know that snooty she-hermit, Dotty, she walked right past me the other day and completely blanked me ‘ and then you’re STUCK IN THE HOUSE AGAIN because how can you face them all when you know they’re talking about you?

We’ve decided I need an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter’s. Actually, we’ve decided the invisibility cloak I need IS Harry Potter’s, his old one, and we thought maybe now he’s living in The Woman In Black he might give me it if I ask him nicely- if you don’t ask you don’t get. I’ll do the letter when I’ve finished writing this post – and little Emily said she’ll help with the wording because saying DEAR HARRY POTTER, GIVE ME YOUR INVISIBILTY CLOAK SO I CAN GO OUT OR I’LL STICK YOUR MAGIC BROOMSTICK UP YOUR MAGIC ARSE, LOVE DOTTY XXX might be a bit too forceful for the dainty sensibilities of a Magician-turned-Actor and he might throw my letter away and with it my chance of getting the invisibility cloak. She said I have to be polite and grovelling and fawning, so basically I have to be a toadying, sycophantic creep – which begs the question, do I want the invisibility cloak badly enough to demean myself in words in order to get something from a BOY-MAN?

Errmmm, let me think —

 

NO. I FUCKING WELL DO NOT

 

because I’ve just had an idea, so I don’t have to.

 

 

 

I’m going to make my own burkha.

 

 

Oh yes, and I forgot to say – my toaster is shagged, little Emily tried to dig her slice of bread out with her knife and blew it up. Luckily she didn’t blow up with it or I’d be left here on my own again.

 

 

 

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18 Comments

  1. LOL! If only harry brought his cloak to face the woman in black.

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    I believe a disguise would help…. a Burkha would work….but how about…

    a ski mask? or hockey mask – no, it is too homicidal maniac-like (or a robber)
    a surgical mask? – no, then people would just wonder what kind of communicable disease you have. BUT it might keep people from approaching you.

    Honestly, I pretend to not hear them when they say hi…. like I am deaf.
    -shrug-

    -thehowlerandme

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,
      In the middle stages of hermititis I tried going out wearing my brown paper bag with slits-for-eyes but it didn’t work, you can imagine what happened. I can’t find a nice enough sheet to make my burkha with – I’ve got nice sage green sheets, some duck egg blue sheets, some powdery pink sheets, loads of white sheets (in various shades of white), but no black sheets because I’m not pervy like that. I wonder if it would work if I put bandages round my head like the Invisible Man does – but then PEOPLE would want to know what happened — BUT they wouldn’t ask if I rubbed a lot of thick yellow mustard and a bit of tomato ketchup on the bandages, would they?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Hi, Dotty dear! I missed your posts! I’m so sorry Scotty turned out to be an irresponsible fucker of a brother — But I loved you using your own code to screw up his messages. I have a lot more reading to do, but for now, I think your mustard and ketchup idea is good. Still, though, don’t eat any onions, or you’ll smell way to much like a hamburger! Love you, and I hope all is as well as it can ever be! Love, Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      JUDITH! Oh, I’ve missed you. Did you have a lovely time? Did you see the Lion King?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        We never did get to the Lion King, but we spent a good bit of time with Mom telling stories of her life and me taking notes for an eventual biography. I ate like a pig, and loved every minute of that, too! More soon. It’s so nice to hear from you!

        Love,

        Judith

      • Dear Judith,
        I’m looking forward to reading all about it. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  4. clownonfire

     /  March 2, 2012

    Dotty, this is what I should do.
    Morning.
    Get up.
    Grab a coffee.
    Sit at my desk.
    Get up again and brush my teeth. My bad breath bothers me. That’s bad.
    Sit at my desk again.
    Open my 250687 WordPress notifications.
    Start by yours. And go downhill from there.
    COF

    Reply
    • Dear clown,
      For Nasty Halitosis – Gargle with a mixture of infused Wormwood. Add a sprinkle of crushed Bladderwrack for extra freshness.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. adultsatires

     /  March 2, 2012

    Bwa! Ha ha ha! I would get you to say hello to me! lol I would just follow you down the street like Benny Hill doing Monty Python type humor with you. :D

    Reply
    • Dear adultsatires,
      Please don’t. It’s hard enough for a she-hermit to get herself past the front door never mind having to cope with loonies running after her.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • adultsatires

         /  March 2, 2012

        Yeah but, this looney is different! (Big Smile) :D Ever hear the saying “It takes one to know one”? lol

        Smile. :)

      • Dear adultsatires,
        I tried to go to sleep but I had a nightmare. Benny Hill and a big line of people were chasing me round the village. The way they ran wasn’t human. It scared me – the nightmare, and the odd and speedy movements of their legs.
        Love Dotty xxx

  6. Emily is making trouble, way back here in… whenever you posted this. It is confusing to read both ends of your blog at the same time.

    Reply

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