BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
DOTTY!
DOTTY!
The panic in his voice got me out of bed and down the stairs and opening up the locks on the back door in less than half a minute. Scotty stood there looking terrified, the same look he’d had the night dear dead Daddy died. Standing next to him, THE BERSERKERS, crying and shivering, still in their slippers, their coats thrown over their pyjamas.
‘What’s happened? What’s wrong?’
‘Let me get in first.’ He half-pushed THE BERSERKERS inside and the youngest let out a sob and came and attached herself to my side. The other one did the same on the other side, their cries getting louder and louder.
‘Is it Lottie? Tell me what’s…’
‘STOP YOUR FUCKING HOWLING, WILL YOU?‘ he shouted, clapping his hands over his ears.
‘WOAH!‘ I gripped THE BERSERKERS closer and walked them back, away from him. ‘Go in the living room, girls, put the telly on. Prissy, get a tissue and clean Cissy’s nose, I’ll be in in a minute.’ They went.
He started pacing the floor of my kitchen, his hands shaking, sweat on his forehead. I could just make out ‘fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck’ under his breath.
‘She’s left you babysitting, hasn’t she?’
‘They’re animals, they’re fucking monsters.’
‘Don’t you DARE call them animals.’ Monsters, yes, animals, no.
‘They never SHUT UP. That little one, fucking milk then biscuits, I said get to fucking SLEEP will you, no, she wants the toilet then a story, fucking Winnie-the-fucking-POOH then another story then the toilet again, then the other one starts and SHE wants a story NOT Winnie-the-Pooh, some fucking Disney thing and I said no, get to fucking SLEEP and that one started crying then the other one started and THEY WOULDN’T FUCKING SHUT UP they went…
‘Right, okay, okay. Did you smack them?’
He looked at me like I’d just bitten his ear. ‘What?’
‘Did you smack them?’
‘Did I smack them? What do you think I am, a fucking baby-batterer? Fuck this for a game of soldiers.’
And he walked out
and left me with THE BERSERKERS.
ALONE
WITH THE BERSERKERS
who were upset and crying in my living room so I took four beta-blockers and I said to myself, get a grip, Dotty, the poor little buggers need you.
I am going to KILL Lottie for this.
WordsFallFromMyEyes
/ March 5, 2012What a crazy post!! A lot of ‘fucking’!!
Your whole site is really interesting. You’ve definitely made your mark
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear WordsFallFromMyEyes,
Thank you. I tried to stop swearing a couple of weeks ago but it’s too hard so I just go with the fucking flow.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 5, 2012Dear Dotty, I’m sorry you’re stuck with the BERSERKERS again, but I’m relieved, because when I saw the BANG, BANG, BANG, I was afraid it might be your head and a brick! Hang in there, sister!
Love, Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear Judith,
We’ve had the bricks out this morning. I had to find SOMETHING to occupy the little witches.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 5, 2012HAHAHAHAHAH! Dear Dotty, I bet they just love coming over to Auntie Dotty’s house; I bet Lottie never lets them play with bricks!
Love, Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear Judith,
No she doesn’t. She spends loads of money on shitey educational toys when the best toys in the world are free – give them a brick and a cardboard box and they’ll play for hours.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 5, 2012Dear Dotty — you should be a Mom! (heehee, only if you want to, of course)
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear Judith,
Oh but Judith I am a mum. I don’t talk about them on my blog though, they made me swear on my DEFINITIVE HISTORY OF THE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE that I would never, ever, ever mention them. So I can’t.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ March 5, 2012Again with the smiley faces.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear clown,
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ March 5, 2012Love the title of this post.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 5, 2012Dear Robin,
Thank you, but I don’t – I was just drifting off and it frightened me awake.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ March 5, 2012Dear Dotty,
How TERRIBLE of Scotty. Make sure to teach the Berserkers something that will get Lottie’s knickers in a twist… THAT way she won’t ever trust Scotty (or you for that matter) to ever watch them again….
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 6, 2012Dear the howler and me,
That’s a great idea, I’d LOVE to do it but I don’t think I can – I’m too nice.
Love Dotty xxx
The Uncle In The Attic
/ March 6, 2012Dearest Dotty,
Ouch.
Uncle
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 7, 2012Dear Uncle,
Yes.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ May 24, 2012Inflicting involuntary babysitting is against the Geneva Convention.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 25, 2012Dear pmao,
It should be.
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ June 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’ll bring my Berserkers to you. Your Berserkers could play with my Berserkers. Just get a Jemima Doll to watch em all. We could lunch..or go sit on the bench.
I need a vacation…and truthfully….I’m far too easy on these little people. They could use some bricks. And Cumberland Sausages*:)
Hilarious♥
Lis
xoxo
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 3, 2012Dear Lisa,
Yes. Or they could all just clean my house, keep them busy.
Love Dotty xxx