Hermit Tip – How To Get An Eyelash Out Of Your Eye When There’s No One Around To Get It Out For You

 

It’s a bastard when you get an eyelash in your eye and you can’t get it out and no one else is there to get it out for you. I had one this morning, I felt it stab my eyeball at 8.22 am and I’ve only just managed to get it out. And now my eye’s all red and gungy and it’s almost swollen closed – I can only see half of this box I’m writing in, I keep having to move my head along to follow the words so I don’t make any mistakes.

Here’s a sequential list of the tactics I used in my attempts to get the eyelash out.

MY FINGERS – I started with the index finger on my right hand (because I’m right-handed) but that finger hasn’t got much of a nail to catch the eyelash with and if you don’t catch it when you first feel it you’re fucked because what happens is you start PRODDING AROUND YOUR EYE with your finger which irritates the eyeball so then your eye starts watering and the eyelash becomes MOBILE, like a little beached log on a rising river, and when the water reaches the eyelash – away it floats and the chase is on.

2  I lost the eyelash for a while and I thought yes, it must have come out with the water, but no it didn’t because when I was drinking my coffee I felt it stab again, this time under my top eyelid – the most annoying place it could have migrated to. So the next thing I tried was EYEBALL ROTATIONS with closed eyes, which can, if you’re lucky, dislodge the eyelash (you should alternate between rapidly rotating your eyeball and doing it very slowly for the best chance of success with this tactic). But this time the EYEBALL ROTATIONS didn’t work, the eyelash remained stuck up there, somewhere near the outside corner.

3  PULLING THE TOP EYELID DOWN OVER THE BOTTOM ONE AND CONTINUING WITH THE EYEBALL ROTATIONS WHILST HOLDING THE TOP EYELID IN PLACE was the obvious thing for me to do next, but I didn’t do that because the eyelash had moved down a bit towards the pupil and I thought if I looked in a mirror I’d be able to see it and hook it out with a FINGERNAIL. The only problem was I don’t have any mirrors in the house so I had to go round the house looking for a reflective thing. I didn’t find one for two reasons – 1 – dust – and 2 – I kept having to blink so if there is a reflective thing in my house I blinked and I missed it.

PULLING THE TOP EYELID DOWN OVER THE BOTTOM ONE AND CONTINUING WITH THE EYEBALL ROTATIONS whilst holding the top eyelid in place. I tried it. It didn’t work.

FOLDING THE TOP EYELID BACK OVER ON ITSELF so you look like you’re half zombie. This is an awkward but often beneficial tactic if you have a mirror or a reflective surface to look in because sometimes you can catch a glimpse of the eyelash sitting on the eyeball or on the lid itself. But, as I said, I don’t have those things so I had to do it blind and just hope the manouevre itself was enough to dislodge the fucker. It didn’t.

RUBBING AND POKING - I’d been trying to avoid RUBBING AND POKING because this tactic can become very aggressive but there comes a point when you just have to because by then you’d do ANYTHING to get the fucking twatting bastarding thing OUT OF YOUR EYE.

 

THE RESOLUTION

A COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE – Why didn’t I think of this in the first place? Idiot. CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES solve EVERYTHING. What I did was I got a COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE from the fridge, cut an end off and popped it in my mouth to eat, and then I held the remaining big bit of COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE in my hand for an hour in order to heat the flat end of  the COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE to body temperature. Try to avoid RUBBING AND POKING while you’re waiting (I couldn’t avoid it). Once the COLD CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE was warm enough I manipulated the flat warm end into my eye, very carefully, and when it was in and the eyelids were holding it firmly in place, I left it there and I made another cup of coffee and just went about my normal daily life. After a couple of hours I removed the BODY TEMPERATURE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE and examined it under my magnifying glass – AND THE EYELASH WAS ON THE END OF MY BODY-TEMPERATURE CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE.

BOSH! I WON – I GOT THE LITTLE FUCKER!  – and my eye should heal up in three or four days.

 

 

P.S. And before you ask, yes I DID give the WONDERFUL VICTORIOUS CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE a good wash before I ate it. What do you think I am, a TRAMPY GANNET?

P.P.S.  It tasted FUCKING LOVELY.

 

 

 

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22 Comments

  1. That’s brilliant, I would have never tried that because I’m scared of sausage.

    Reply
    • Dear Fiercely Yours,
      Don’t ever be scared of sausages, they’re just like very lumpy potted meat. Give them a chance and they’ll be your friend for life.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. clownonfire

     /  March 10, 2012

    I posted a billboard outside in the street, which is seen by all Canadians from their igloos: Everyone must read Dotty Headbanger. And have a Cumberland sausage while reading.
    Let me know when your traffic spike.
    COF

    Reply
    • Dear clown,
      How big is this billboard, please? And what on earth is my traffic spike?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • clownonfire

       /  March 10, 2012

      It’s a “size large”.
      As for traffic spike…
      Imagine a Cumberland sausage stand, not too far away from you.
      They have the best sausages, but it’s unknown by most.
      Suddenly, it’s made public: Dotty Headbanger lives near by.
      Because of it, the sales of that little Cumberland sausage stand spike drastically.
      Now I’m bored.

      Reply
      • Dear clown,
        Thank you for the explanation – I get it now, and I see that if you had said ‘traffic spikeS’ instead of ‘traffic spike’ I wouldn’t have thought it was some weird Canadian traffic fetish thing you were referring to and I wouldn’t have had to ask for an explanation (which diplomatically avoided any mention of your weird Canadian traffic fetish) and you wouldn’t have got bored.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • clownonfire

         /  March 10, 2012

        I thank you for being diplomatic, and not publicly pointing out my error, as I have pointed out your double space a few days back.

      • Dear clown,
        I’m nice like that. And I’ve already explained the reason for the double space error I made.
        Love Dotty xxx

  3. Dorothy

     /  March 10, 2012

    I’ll have to remember that one the next time I get an eyelash in my eye. I wonder if a hotdog would work also…

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      Where did your ded gekko go? Did you lose it? I think a hotdog wouldn’t be solid enough, it would just squish up in your eye.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Once again, the synchronicity of our lives is astonishing. This may have just happened with the Sort Of. I finally resorted to stabbing a fork in his eye, to take his mind off the errant eyelash. Worked for me…xo

    Reply
    • Dear Gobby,
      Did you also stab it repeatedly all over the rest of him as a helpful way of distracting him from the irritation in his eye?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. thank you for that tip, Dotty, I’ve heard a kipper works equally well, as in, a poke in the eye with a wet fish, which I’m always telling my kids is worse than whatever they’re currently experiencing. Only we don’t have them in Australia – or Cumberland sausage. Sorry, perhaps I should have written this to Aunty Agony.

    Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,

    This is what they mean by LOL!

    Cumberland Sausages to the Rescue!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      The abilities of the Cumberland sausage are limitless and infinite. Hope you’re feeling better today. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I am. I’m still kind of fuzzy in the head, but my lungs are almost clear, and I didn’t lay around and sleep all day, which makes me feel better all by itself. I loved your eyelash post — laughed my butt off, something I needed to do! Thanks!

        Love,

        Judith

      • Dear Judith,
        Thank you. I’m very glad you’re recovering. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  7. You do have some very useful tips to get through life’s problems… I think.

    Reply
  8. Jack

     /  March 4, 2013

    That was great until the sausage. It all works before the sausage :) thanks

    Reply
  9. if you put seminal fluid in your eye and close theb rub it, then wash the seminal fluid out, eyelash remains stuck in the seminal fluid and yeah bit unpractical but it works

    Reply

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