Someone just sent me an email and in it they asked me a horrible, insulting stupid question that I think you should all see –
Is Little Emily your go-between drug dealer?
And here’s my answer that I’m writing here instead of in an email so I have evidence for when I SUE YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE AND FOR ALL YOU WILL EVER EARN –
NO SHE IS NOT MY GO-BETWEEN DRUG DEALER, YOU FUCKING KNOBROT.
For one - little Emily is an AUTHOR
for two – she is DEAD
for three – what gave this stupid tosser the idea that I take drugs? Have I ever mentioned taking drugs? NO. Medication - YES, but drugs – NO I HAVE NOT. AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE INFERENCE THAT I HAVE.
I’m ringing the police. I’m ringing 999 and they’ll come straight away and when they do I’ll show them the email and tell them I want the fucker done for SLANDER. And I’m ringing Sergeant Sherlock who is now my PET POLICEMAN AND ALSO MAYBE MY NEW BOYFRIEND BUT WE’LL JUST SEE HOW IT GOES who will make sure the 999 police arrest that person and show them some good old-fashioned police brutality.
HOW CAN THEY SAY SUCH A HORRIBLE THING? HOW CAN THEY?
judithatwood
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
That truly was a shitty thing for that person to ask you. My guess is that person needs illicit drugs to function, and just assumed that everyone was as fucked up as he was! I’m happy for you that you’ve found a pet policeman who may also be a boyfriend. Hopefully, he will rush to your defense and send that idiot some bad news!
I hope little Emily’s feelings aren’t hurt to badly.
Love to you both,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Judith,
I haven’t seen little Emily since her book review post, I think she’s annoyed with me but luckily she left me seven vials of laudanum that Branwell sent with her. If she doesn’t turn up before Friday I’ll get my Shopping Person to take her a note. I’ve just made some Cumberland sausages in case Sergreant Sherlock calls round in person, he sounded pleased to hear from me when I rang him and he said he’ll send the helicopter out to help the 999 police to capture the email criminal.
Love Dotty xxx
The Uncle In The Attic
/ March 13, 2012Hello, 999? Yes, I want to report a drive by e-MAUL of my good friend, and soul-mate, Dotty Headbanger at suchity such address and so on. No. Yes. NO. SHE DID NOT “O.” “D.!” She’s sitting right here! Of course, she’s still breathing, she’s sitting up. YES. She has said no to drugs. NOW YOU listen! SOMEone has said some VERY, BAD, BAD things about her. WHY are you asking me all these questions? The POLICE need to be here RIGHT NOW and BATTER UP!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Uncle,
Thank you for helping me. Would you like one of the Cumberland sausage sandwiches I’ve made for my new boyfriend?
Love Dotty xxx
The Uncle In The Attic
/ March 13, 2012Dearest Dotty,
I understand. With an ocean between us, it could never be. I am, therefore, happy that you have found a policeman boyfriend. After all, I made a 911 call. What should I expect. Your gracious offer of one of those Cumberland sandwiches is most generous. Send via Air Mail.
Always,
Uncle
xoxo
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Uncle,
All is not as it seems. I had reasons.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m quite upset over this.
Let me digest it.
CoF
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear clown,
Did you just steal Uncle’s Cumberland sausage sandwich? Serves you right if you get indigestion then.
Love Dotty xxx
The Uncle In The Attic
/ March 13, 2012Dearest,
Of course. I truly respect and honour your reasons for having a your policeman boyfriend. And the Clown did not steal my Cumberland sausage sandwich as, hopefully, you have already sent one via Air Mail.
Me and you, us never part
Makidada.
Me and you, us have one heart
Makidada.
Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea.
Makidada.
Keep my Dotty away from me
Uncle
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Uncle,
Makidada – I’ve never heard that before, but I like it.
Me and you, us never part
Makidada.
Me and you, us have one heart
Makidada.
Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea.
Makidada.
Keep my (ssshhh) away from me
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
You are very good to little Emily. I know she appreciates you, wherever she is. Sgt. Sherlock sounds like a love — be sure to bat your eyelashes!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Judith,
She’s back! Little Emily!
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 13, 2012Yay!!! Please, hug her ethereal self for me, and tell her I’m glad that she sticks by you when you need her. Hooray for friends!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Judith,
I will!
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ March 13, 2012oh my , my , my….slander, stealing sausages, indigestion, drive-bys, and it’s only Tues. Glad to hear that Sergeant Sherlock is sending his helicopter but he really should come in person that way you can entice him into your kitchen with the aroma of sizzling sausages and then lead him by a pile of newspapers that can accidentally fall on top of him trapping him helplessly under the debris. It’s up to you when and if you want to free him. Perhaps he can be your Cumberland sausage slave for awhile. No more boring Sundays either.
Dot
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Who stole my sausages? Who? When? HOW?
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ March 13, 2012Clownonfire of course, when he stole the Uncle’s. You should try stringing them all together and wearing them as a wig, then no one can steal them.
Dot
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Oh yes – sorry, I had a panic attack when I saw the words ‘stealing sausages’ because I thought someone had been in my house and in my freezer. Phew.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. If someone’s in my freezer they won’t be able to get out, will they?
Dorothy
/ March 13, 2012Not if it’s one of those industrial freezers with the locking doors…….
But if it’s a normal freezer I’m sure they could. My brother stuffs so much junk into his that the door pops open all the time with the poor food trying to escape his mouth.
Dot
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 13, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Oh oh. I’ll have to go and search the house now with my dear dead Daddy’s crossbow.
Love Dotty xxx
saradraws
/ March 13, 2012So…..you’re saying there’s an opening in your roster for a go-between drug dealer? ‘Cause I need work.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Sara,
No, no, no. There are NO drug dealers here, none. And all the drugs are OFFICIAL DRUGS given to me by my doctor or by my good friend Branwell who knows a lot about legal medicines because he spends a lot of time in the Apothecary. So, no, there’s no job for you and anyway why are you even asking because you already have a job, you are my Canadian Paratrooper. Why are you moonlighting? Am I not good enough for you?
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. When we get the aeroplane, I know a man in Pakistan who likes nice poppies.
saradraws
/ March 14, 2012My Poppy isn’t that nice. She’s now 2 years old and a regular tantrum thrower. I might have to start drinking again. Sorry to disappoint your friend.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Sara,
Your Poppy looks gorgeous in the pics and videos and I think she’s the best little Poppy because she beats the shit out of your hubby.
Love Dotty xxx
cobyjean
/ March 14, 2012It’s all due to the company you keep.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Gobby,
I keep very good company. Most of the time.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ March 14, 2012I wish I had a go between drug dealer, it would make things so much easier…. Nail them, girl! Nail them, good!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Alphabet,
I give up. Everyone’s getting it ALL WRONG.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ March 14, 2012I was just kidding anyway…
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Love Dotty xxx
That’s what they all say.
kzackuslheureux
/ March 14, 2012I already HAVE a go between, that’s what husbands are for!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 14, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Ah, right. I see.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ May 29, 2012Knobrot I get. I don’t mean I get a disease that causes it, just that I know what it is.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 29, 2012Dear pmao,
Good. I wouldn’t have attempted an explanation if you hadn’t known.
Love Dotty xxx