Little Bitty Pretty One & Big Hat-Wearing Ugly One (And The Boilerman)

LOOK WHAT LITTLE BITTY PRETTY ONE MADE FOR ME!

BUT

My boiler is leaking and I had to ring A MAN who will be here sometime before 8pm tonight. WHY CAN’T THE FUCKER GIVE ME AN EXACT TIME? Now I have to wait and wait and wait and it’s a long, long wait, it’s been an hour already since I had to use the phone to ring him and in that time I’ve taken three beta-blockers, a big swig of laudanum, and a good sniff of the smelling salts little Emily gave me. I AM STILL PANICKY THOUGH and I feel very, very sick.

HE WILL WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT THE BOILER.

AND I WILL HAVE TO TELL HIM.

WHICH MEANS SPEAKING TO HIM

AND LOOKING AT HIM IN A WAY THAT DOESN’T SEEM TOO MENTAL, SO HE THINKS I’M LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE BUT REALLY I’M NOT LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE, I AM LOOKING THREE INCHES TO THE RIGHT OF HIS EYES.

i feel sick.

25 Comments

by Dotty Headbanger on March 15, 2012 • Permalink

Posted in Fake Non Fiction

Tagged anxiety, beauty, blog, blogging, bloody rubbish, boiler, British, Comedy, Depression, Dotty Headbanger, fake non fiction, family, fiction, food, funny, humor, humour, I AM MENTAL, Insanity, Life, Mad Shit, mental, mental health, misc, News, panic attacks, pile of shite, plumbing, psychiatry, psychology, Random, satire, social anxiety, stories, thoughts, video, vlog, writing

Posted by Dotty Headbanger on March 15, 2012

https://dottyheadbanger.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/little-bitty-pretty-one-big-hat-wearing-ugly-one-and-the-boilerman/

25 Comments

Ink. [Anette]
/ March 15, 2012

Dear Dots. Iz gonna be long day girl. Wub or bang head against biscut wall paper, scratz grout if any left, tjant 42. Do anyfing but PANIC. You can makes it. Will tjeck in on you later. Bye.

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / March 15, 2012
  
  Dear Anette,
  Thank you, I’ve had a stint with my brick but it only works for so long and I don’t want to have a bloody forehead when the boilerman arrives or he’ll run away like they usually do and my boiler will keep pissing water out all over the floor.
  Love Dotty xxx
  
  Reply
  - Ink. [Anette]
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Dotz, you have used wrung biscut on wallpaper. Wear brown paper bag. If boilerchicken run, turn up heat and take a swim. Bye.
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Anette,
    I’m wearing my balaclava backwards.
    Love Dotty xxx
  - Ink. [Anette]
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Dottys, you’r safe. Good luck. Bye.
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Anette,
    Toodle pip.
    Love Dotty xxx
- clownonfire
  / March 15, 2012
  
  Anette,
  Betrayer.
  Cof
  
  Reply
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear clown,
    You nicked MY FIZZY, so I nicked YOUR ANETTE. Tough shit.
    Love Dotty xxx
  - Ink. [Anette]
    / March 15, 2012
    
    :@!
judithatwood
/ March 15, 2012

Dear Dotty,

Might you not instead just burn some furniture, or something? 😎 Great video. Please don’t be sick — I think the fuckers, (cable guys, plumbers, boilermen, phone guys, etc.) all refuse to give exact times because they want to look beneficent by not waiting until the last second to show up. But what do I know, anyway? Where’s that wooden chair?

Love,

Judith

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / March 15, 2012
  
  Dear Judith,
  The heating works and the hot water works but the boiler is leaking all over the place. I’ve left it as long as I can (about 4 months) but it’s pissing out now so I have to get it fixed. BUT THE FUCKER IS A FUCKER WHO STILL HASN’T BEEN YET and you can bet he’ll turn up at five to eight and say it needs a PART or something and he hasn’t got the PART so he’ll have to come back tomorrow.
  Love Dotty xxx
  
  Reply
  - judithatwood
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Dotty,
    
    That’s what comes of living in a world full of friends and fuckers! I hope he shows early!
    
    Love,
    
    Judith
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Judith,
    Ten past five and he’s still not here.
    Love Dotty xxx
  - judithatwood
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Growl!
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Judith,
    People say I’m pessimistic – I’m not, I’m REALISTIC – I knew something would go wrong and it has. He’s not coming till tomorrow morning (supposedly morning) because he’s sick. And I am angry.
    Love Dotty xxx
saradraws
/ March 15, 2012

Dear Dotty,
Only now do I realise that everyone starts with “Dear Dotty”.
I’ve never been the sharpest tool in the shed.
Have you considered a burqa?
Love,
Sara

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / March 15, 2012
  
  Dear Sara,
  Not everyone addresses me in the way they should address me, but what can you do?
  I have a picture of ME IN A BURKAH – Grumpy made it.
  Love Dotty xxx
  
  Reply
The Uncle In The Attic
/ March 15, 2012

Dearest,

I look at teeth. Sounds like it would be hard, but it gets easier with time. And it doesn’t look like you have a lazy eye,

Uncle
xoxo

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / March 15, 2012
  
  Dear Uncle,
  I used to look at mouths, and I still have to if I want to hear what’s being said, but mouths scare me too much so if I don’t have to look at them, I don’t.
  Love Dotty xxx
  
  Reply
  - The Uncle In The Attic
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dearest Dotty,
    
    I understand.
    
    Uncle
    xoxo
  - Dotty Headbanger
    / March 15, 2012
    
    Dear Uncle,
    xx
    Love Dotty xxx
butimbeautiful
/ March 18, 2012

You are so lucky! I wish someone would make a video saying urrrgggg to ME! I’m jealous.

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / March 18, 2012
  
  Dear butimbeautiful,
  I know! It was lovely of her to do that, wasn’t it?
  Love Dotty xx
  
  Reply
pouringmyartout
/ June 3, 2012

You do have the best post titles…

Reply
- Dotty Headbanger
  / June 3, 2012
  
  Dear pmao,
  
  Do I? Thank you.
  
  Love Dotty xxx
  
  Reply