Cometh The Boilerman, Cometh The Flood – The Book Of Dotty: 10:20 (am)

 

Numpty the boilerman came back this morning with the parts he needed to fix the boiler. I don’t know what they were, I kept myself hidden in my laptop reading through someone’s blog while he did what he had to do. He rang yesterday evening so I knew he was coming and this time I took extra beta-blockers and a big, BIG swig of laudanum to help me cope while he was here. 

I was in the living room to save my ears from imploding and so he couldn’t talk to me and make me even more panicky. The boiler is in the utility room at the back of the house. He’d been here about half an hour when he came to the living room door and tapped on it. ‘S’cuse me, love, have you got some old towels?’

Old towels? Oh for fuck’s sake. ‘How bad is it?’

‘No, it’s not too bad, don’t worry yourself.’

I went to have a look.

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE, AND NOT A DROP TO DRINK 

Why are people so FUCKING USELESS?

I got him some towels from my airing cupboard, which weren’t old towels they were NEW towels from the collection that fell on me the day Granny Euphemia came to see me. I thought – why am I not in a right tizz, panicky and terrified, but I wasn’t, no, my extra medication must have been just right. I’ll have to write down what and how much I took so I know for the next time something comes up. I took the towels downstairs and waded through the big puddle near the back door.

He pointed at the cooker and said, ‘If you start there you’ll stop it running underneath.’

Me??

ME??

I DON’T THINK SO

So I calmly said –

YOU INCOMPETENT TWAT OF AN ARSEWIPE, YOU CAN FUCK OFF. YOU MOP IT UP OR YOU MIGHT AS WELL WHISTLE FOR YOUR MONEY BECAUSE YOU WON’T GET ANY OF MINE.

and I went back into the living room and carried on reading the blog.

Another hour and a half later he tapped on the door again. ‘I’m finished, love.’

And guess what? He had.

The boiler is working, no leaks, and he did such a good job mopping up that my kitchen floor has PATTERNS IN THE LINO THAT I’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT.

I might ask him if he wants a cleaning job, cash in hand.

So all’s well that ends well.

Amazing.

Except I don’t know what he’s done with the new pack of towels I gave him.

Where are they?

 

 

EDIT EDIT EDIT — I can see the towels but I can’t get them. The bastard’s left them in my two washing up basins OUTSIDE. I can’t reach them because they’re JUST ROUND THE CORNER, I can see about eight inches of towel and about one inch of basin. What will I do, what will I do?

 

 

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18 Comments

  1. This is why you should live in Thailand where you can train the cockroaches. You need a long stick Dotty, with something sticky on the end.

    Reply
  2. Dorothy

     /  March 20, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    First of all congrats on the boiler repair….Christ, you’d think you were trying to solve the Mideast crisis. Secondly, I might have to quote you….I could see myself telling a workman in the future those exact words, maybe Americanizing them a bit by adding a few more *fucks* here or there…lol….but I like the way your words just flowed out effortlessly. The floor is an added plus, as I look down at mine while typing and can see spots where the pattern no longer even exists…..(oh well). Maybe Emily would be so kind as to get you your towels the next time she visits. You could entice her over with the promise of a sausage or two. Surely she must have forgotten about the book review by now. Or else let the rain fall on them and the hell with it all!!
    Dot

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      I have a plan for how to get the towels but I’m keeping it secret for now – I don’t know why, I just am. Branwell told me Little Emily is busy writing her book, but I think she’s still sulking. Sod her, let her write her stupid book, I don’t care.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. clownonfire

     /  March 20, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    You can let your readers know you were reading my blog. Again.
    CoF

    Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,

    I think Scotty owes you BIG TIME for dumping the beserkers on you. I think you should make him take them, have them laundered and brought back folded perfectly. BUT that is just my humble opinion.

    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,
      I haven’t heard from Lottie since the day of the party that wasn’t a party. And I haven’t seen or heard from Scotty since the night he brought THE BERSERKERS here so I’ve had to make my own secret plan to get my towels back. I’m hoping it’ll work.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Dearest Dotty,

    Dumb Boilerman. Makes me want to scream, or cry, perhaps both. I imagine whatever is quietest will do.

    Uncle

    Reply
    • Dear Uncle,
      Normally I would have been the same, but I think I’ve found the right combination of medication to help combat my PEOPLE PHOBIA.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,

    Good for you for standing up to him — Sounds like he got the message! Remember it for the future! Proud of you, sister!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  7. I do not want to read about Numpty Dumpty yet, because I think there might be an early post about him. I am still catching up on the old stuff.

    Reply
  8. Oh, oh, oh, my dearest Dotty, I do not know what angel tapped my shoulder and made me find out your blog. It is the bestest thing ever. And, in companionship, I am dosing myself with laudanum until I am as wonderful a she-hermit as you.

    Reply
    • Dear Michelle,
      It’s nice medicine, isn’t it? I used to like Benylin cough mixture (except I didn’t like the one for chesty coughs) but it can be addictive so I stopped buying it. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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