I haven’t written a post for my blog yet, I didn’t get up till after midday. Not that it’s any of your business, why do you want to know what time I got up? I don’t ask YOU what time YOU get up, do I? It’s just plain nosiness that’s what it is and I’ll ask you to remember whose fucking blog this IS, it’s MY blog, I’m the BOSS OF MY BLOG and I’ll get up whenever I bleeding well WANT to get up, my name’s DOTTY HEADBANGER not fucking ROYAL MAIL or whatever the American or Canadian or Australian or Netherlandian or Colombian or whatever country you are on my list version of ROYAL MAIL is – if you want your post to arrive on time RING THEM UP AND ASK WHY THEY’RE SUCH TARDY BASTARDS.
You’ll get a new post from ME when I’m good and ready so stop nagging me, I’ve been INCAPACITATED you know, didn’t you read THE FUCKING MIGRAINE POEM? What do you think THAT was all about, do you think I wrote it for your ENTERTAINMENT? – no I did NOT write if for your entertainment I wrote it because it’s all I COULD write because nothing else had happened to me while I was lying there IN FUCKING AGONY.
Fucking blog. Can’t a She-Hermit sleep in on a Saturday morning after being INCAPACITATED? nag nag nag nag nag.
I NEVER sleep in, I’m up between 5.30am and 6.30am every morning, weekends included. AND THE ONE TIME I SLEEP IN BECAUSE I WAS INCAPACITATED THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY AND IT’S WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE give me a post, I want a post, if you don’t give me a post I’ll just nag and nag and nag, do a post, do a post NOW, do one do one do one.
NO I WON’T DO ONE. So fuck off, I’m going to make my Cumberland sausage sandwiches for my breakfast now, I haven’t had anything to eat for two days – no it’s more like THREE days. Do you want to see me STARVE?
I might be back later with a new post, I might not, it depends if I can be ARSED TO DO ONE. I might have other more interesting things to do like EXAMINE MY ELBOWS.
So there. Stick THAT up your blogging WordPress and swivel on it, fucking nagging fucking BELL-END of a fucking blog.
clownonfire
/ March 24, 2012Dotty,
I made it public this morning, but you have inspired me to drop the asterisk in FU*K.
So there. And that was one fu*king awesome post.
Your #1 best fu*king fan,
The Clown (the author formerly known as CoF)
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear clown,
I don’t know why the asterisk was in fuck in the first place. It’s only needed for titles so WordPress don’t splat your post. I think a lobby group is needed, KEEP FUCK FUCKING ASTERISK FREE.
Love Dotty xxx
Ink. [Anette]
/ March 24, 2012Dotty, I think you got the wrong leg first out of your bunker this
morningafternoon. Enjoy your Cumberland.Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Anette,
I will, if I get chance to eat it.
Love Dotty xxx
Grumpy
/ March 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yeah, I think I know how you feel.
Dotty Dear, you have inspired me to take a couple of days off posting.
Just to be awkward. Starting Monday.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Grumpy,
Do you think you’ll last two days? It’ll nag at you.
Love Dotty xxx
Grumpy
/ March 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’ll try to be strong. On Monday. It’s like giving up fags (cigarettes to your stateside fans).
Grumpy x
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Grumpy,
I can’t give up my fags, they’re my only friends now little Emily has pissed off.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
It sounds to me like you might be mad, as well as being mad. I will never ask anything of you that you don’t want to give, so count on me if you need to vent! I hope your Cumberland Sausage sandwiches, (do you use anything else on them?)(I think I know the answer — more Cumberland Sausages.) were as wonderful as they sound. And as for anyone asking you to post when you don’t want to, screw THEM if they can’t take a joke!
Love and always good wishes,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Judith,
You know me too well. A Cumberland sausage sandwich isn’t a proper Cumberland sausage sandwich if it isn’t accompanied by MORE Cumberland sausages.
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ March 24, 2012How’s your head after that rant? Better?
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear robin,
Much better thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ March 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
Thank you very very very much, that was exactly what I needed to hear not only today but also JUST NOW. Someone was very, very very very mean to me this morning (and I mean extra mean, MOVIE mean, which I guess makes it a little better due to the entertainment factor there, really a little bit glamourous I suppose if I think about it), and it actually hurt my feelings quite a lot. Now, this person is not someone close to me at all, but IS someone close to people who are close to me, and she said some vicious things about me, and their meanness hurts the people I love too, and it’s all having a rather bad and negative effect in general. Do you think, now that you have explained that you won’t be all caught up in doing a post, that you might suggest a few sentences that I could imagine saying to the mean person? I am trying to stay calm and to be compassionate like a good utopist and a rational person who just has calm, analytic, intelligent, experienced, wise, unemotional thoughts about random vicious acts of unprecedented hostility that make no sense at all and only do a lot of damage, and unfortunately due to the politics involved in the situation, I am in a position where I am supposed to stand firm and not react, but it is not easy.
Thanks again,
You make me feel better,
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Owl,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been at the receiving end of this nasty munter’s meanness – I’m also sorry but I can’t think of anything you could say that wouldn’t just slide off the thick, spotty hide of someone like that, even in your imagination. An unemotional utopian stance is all good and well but in this instance all you’re doing is stifling and repressing your anger and hurt – could you trick the bitch into meeting you in a secluded place so you can give her a punch in the mouth? I know you’re trying to rise above it all but some people deserve to be punched and to be punched FUCKING HARD and it sounds like that’s exactly what she needs right now. I’ll lend you my balaclava so the CCTV cameras won’t recognise you and I’ll give you an alibi if she grasses you up to Dibble which she won’t because after you’ve punched her you could threaten to come back and EAT HER TONGUE if she gets the police involved (this tactic worked for me a few years ago with my dead husband Simon’s sister). If you aim right you’ll be able to knock out at least one of her front teeth and then if she decides to get mean with you again she won’t be able to do so without lisping.
Or you could make a voodoo doll. I know you’re too nice to stick pins in it but what would be the harm in repeatedly clipping and unclipping two clothes pegs to the bum cheeks? If it was me I’d have ripped her fucking head off while her mouth was flapping and stuffed it down her trunk so I couldn’t hear what she said.
Don’t let her get to you any more. She isn’t worth it.
Lots of love,
Dotty xxx
owl
/ March 26, 2012Thank you, Dotty.
You are, of course, completely on the mark. It does no good to stuff one’s emotions, and, if I know one thing about utopia, then it is that it does not exist, due to the canker problem, which only gets worse with all the repression. As soon as I’m finished my paper, I am going to make a voodoo doll with a removable tongue, or maybe just a face-hole where the tongue would be into which I can insert biscuits, which I can then remove, dunk in glasses of my loveliest merlot, and then eat, while cackling.
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear owl,
You’ll forever think of that person as ‘Crumby’.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ March 24, 2012Poor girl, all sad with a Migraine, ‘scuse, me FUCKING BLEEDING MIGRAINE. I hate those bastards. Glad to hear you still have beautiful elbows, or at least interesting ones, and I cannot wait to swivel on it! Hope it’s all better now!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Yes, it’s better now, thank you.
I have reading elbows.
Love Dotty xxx
tadams4u
/ March 24, 2012Dear Dotty,
While examining your elbows, try and lick them. I hear it is impossible….
Love Brick…
PS, someone reading this right now just tried ….
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 24, 2012Dear Brick,
I tried too. Isn’t the internet amazing when two random people on different sides of the world can try licking their elbows at the same time?
Love Dotty xxx
livinginfairyland
/ March 25, 2012Its not impossible if you have a really long tongue!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 25, 2012Dear livinginfairyland,
I don’t. Do you?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012What if we arse you real nice? And I just noticed that that nun picture has eyes that move. That really freaked me out.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear pmao,
Why did it freak you out? Everyone has eyes that move, why should nuns be any different?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012I wasn’t expecting it. Then I glanced at her, and she glanced at me, and there was a magic electricity between us. I knew instinctively that she wanted me, but could not bring herself to break her vows. Then she just kept looking around all googgly eyed, and I realized she was just batshit crazy. It never would have worked out anyway.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear pmao,
She’s married anyway – to God, her husband.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012Wouldn’t be the first woman to leave a deity for me… just saying
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear pmao,
I’ll have to keep an eye on her then.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012Just keep your eyes moving…
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear pmao,
Let’s see if this very appropriate little smiley works
Love Dotty xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Yay!
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012Stop it. The googly eyes are creeping me out.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 26, 2012Dear pmao,
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 26, 2012growl…