Anyone who reads my little blog knows that I’m an exceptionally tolerant She-Hermit. Live and let live, turn a blind eye, rise above it - they’re good ideals to live by, very good, but principles like that can lead to horrible people treating us like doormats, stomping all over us with their big honking feet, knowing we won’t retaliate because of the moral position we’re in.
But we CAN retaliate. We can get the fuckers back in ways their stupid, myopic little brains could never conceive of. Here’s how –
Sneaky Bastards At Work
We’ll begin with work colleagues. BASTARDS, THE LOT OF THEM - in particular those who hold positions just below yours - every single one of them is OUT TO STEAL YOUR JOB. Those who hold an equal position to your own are OUT TO STEAL YOUR PROMOTION. Those above you are OUT TO STOP YOU FROM REPLACING THEM IN THEIR POSITION because they know full well you would be a zillion times better at the job than they are. Every single person you work with is OUT TO GET YOU in one way or another so you have to be prepared to defend yourself when they launch a sneaky attack.
Sneaky bastards at work are very sneaky. They know all the jargon to use especially if the workplace is a setting where things like political correctness, diversity, inclusion, tolerance etc etc are important, such as a college or university. They can talk the talk all right, better than you can, but dig deep enough and you’re sure to come up with some MASSIVELY HORRIBLE FAUX-PAS they’ve made that would get the nasty fucker SACKED AND MADE JOBLESS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE if it was made known – and you can be CERTAIN of this because although they make all the right noises to all the right people, each day YOU can see the glaringly shitey way they carry out their duties, the short-cuts they take, the mess they leave for others to clean up. Knowledge is power and sometimes it’s satisfying enough to know you hold the power to destroy their career and sometimes a quiet, friendly word in their shell-like (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, FUCKER) is enough to put a halt to their scheming meanness even if you DON’T know what they did because there’s bound to be something, there always is.
But usually it isn’t enough. These people are brazen egomaniacs (and I’m still talking about ALL work colleagues here, even if they’re pretending to be your friend – THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND) and will call your bluff by running to the powers-that-be with imprecatory complaints and accusations about YOU, malicious and defamatory LIES that WILL BE BELIEVED because let’s not forget one important thing - THE POWERS-THAT-BE ARE ALSO SNEAKY BASTARDS, EVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THEY’RE EXPERIENCED SNEAKY BOSSY BASTARDS and they will always protect their own.
But there ARE ways for a nice person to defend themselves against WORK COLLEAGUES. Here’s a list —
1 ALWAYS carry a recording device and ALWAYS keep it handy and ready to be switched on.
2 Hidden little cameras can work in your favour if placed strategically (don’t be afraid of them, they’re YOUR cameras)
3 Be meticulous with your work emails – never gossip, never forward gossip that’s sent to you, never call anyone names even though it’s the best and funniest and most apt name and you just KNOW it’s so hilarious it’ll become the person’s new nickname and everyone will think you’re a brilliant wit – no they won’t, they’ll just GRASS YOU UP like the sneaky bastards they are.
4 Learn how to hack into computers so you can see everyone’s emails. Sneaky bastards can also be stupid bastards and email evidence is admissible when you’ve had enough of being nice and want to get their nasty arses SACKED.
5 Once you’ve mastered hacking you’ve got the bastards. You can hack into their email accounts and write emails to the bosses saying things like “I WILL KILL YOU” or “YOUR WIFE IS A RIGHT GOER, ISN’T SHE?” or “STOP DOWNLOADING ANIMAL PORN IN WORKTIME, YOU FUCKING BEAST.”
6 Follow them home (concentrate on one work colleague at a time or you’ll get muddled up) and wait outside their house to see if they go out again then follow them to where ever they go and TAKE A GOOD CAMERA WITH YOU. I bet you’ll find they indulge in some NASTY HOBBIES like DOGGING and SELLING THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS and DRESSING UP LIKE BABIES IN ADULT NAPPIES AND HUGE PRETTY BONNETS and HAVING LARGE LADIES SIT ON THEM. These are the people you’re working with, you have a RIGHT to know what they get up to in their own time. What’s wrong with nice hobbies like yours – Wednesday night ZUMBA CLASS and Thursday evening BOOK CLUB and Saturday morning HIKING CLUB? Each and every one of your work colleagues is, in their own way, A FUCKING PERVETED DEVIANT and if you follow them for long enough you’re sure to find out their dirty little secrets.
Bide your time until the time comes when an opportunity arises for you to blow the bastards out of the water. And it WILL. Be WATCHFUL, be WARY, be CAREFUL and you’ll get them in the end.
And you’ll still be a nice person.
Very nice indeed.