Dotty Strategies For Nice People (Part 1 – Work Colleagues)

 

Anyone who reads my little blog knows that I’m an exceptionally tolerant She-Hermit. Live and let live, turn a blind eye, rise above it - they’re good ideals to live by, very good, but principles like that can lead to horrible people treating us like doormats, stomping all over us with their big honking feet, knowing we won’t retaliate because of the moral position we’re in.

But we CAN retaliate. We can get the fuckers back in ways their stupid, myopic little brains could never conceive of. Here’s how –

 

Sneaky Bastards At Work

We’ll begin with work colleagues. BASTARDS, THE LOT OF THEM - in particular those who hold positions just below yours - every single one of them is OUT TO STEAL YOUR JOB. Those who hold an equal position to your own are OUT TO STEAL YOUR PROMOTION. Those above you are OUT TO STOP YOU FROM REPLACING THEM IN THEIR POSITION because they know full well you would be a zillion times better at the job than they are. Every single person you work with is OUT TO GET YOU in one way or another so you have to be prepared to defend yourself when they launch a sneaky attack.

Sneaky bastards at work are very sneaky. They know all the jargon to use especially if the workplace is a setting where things like political correctness, diversity, inclusion, tolerance etc etc are important, such as a college or university. They can talk the talk all right, better than you can, but dig deep enough and you’re sure to come up with some MASSIVELY HORRIBLE FAUX-PAS they’ve made that would get the nasty fucker SACKED AND MADE JOBLESS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE if it was made known – and you can be CERTAIN of this because although they make all the right noises to all the right people, each day YOU can see the glaringly shitey way they carry out their duties, the short-cuts they take, the mess they leave for others to clean up. Knowledge is power and sometimes it’s satisfying enough to know you hold the power to destroy their career and sometimes a quiet, friendly word in their shell-like (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, FUCKER) is enough to put a halt to their scheming meanness even if you DON’T know what they did because there’s bound to be something, there always is.

But usually it isn’t enough. These people are brazen egomaniacs (and I’m still talking about ALL work colleagues here, even if they’re pretending to be your friend – THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND) and will call your bluff by running to the powers-that-be with imprecatory complaints and accusations about YOU, malicious and defamatory LIES that WILL BE BELIEVED because let’s not forget one important thing - THE POWERS-THAT-BE ARE ALSO SNEAKY BASTARDS, EVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THEY’RE EXPERIENCED SNEAKY BOSSY BASTARDS and they will always protect their own.

But there ARE ways for a nice person to defend themselves against WORK COLLEAGUES. Here’s a list —

 

ALWAYS carry a recording device and ALWAYS keep it handy and ready to be switched on.

2  Hidden little cameras can work in your favour if placed strategically (don’t be afraid of them, they’re YOUR cameras)

3  Be meticulous with your work emails – never gossip, never forward gossip that’s sent to you, never call anyone names even though it’s the best and funniest and most apt name and you just KNOW it’s so hilarious it’ll become the person’s new nickname and everyone will think you’re a brilliant wit – no they won’t, they’ll just GRASS YOU UP like the sneaky bastards they are.

4  Learn how to hack into computers so you can see everyone’s emails. Sneaky bastards can also be stupid bastards and email evidence is admissible when you’ve had enough of being nice and want to get their nasty arses SACKED.

5  Once you’ve mastered hacking you’ve got the bastards. You can hack into their email accounts and write emails to the bosses saying things like “I WILL KILL YOU” or “YOUR WIFE IS A RIGHT GOER, ISN’T SHE?” or “STOP DOWNLOADING ANIMAL PORN IN WORKTIME, YOU FUCKING BEAST.”

6  Follow them home (concentrate on one work colleague at a time or you’ll get muddled up) and wait outside their house to see if they go out again then follow them to where ever they go and TAKE A GOOD CAMERA WITH YOU. I bet you’ll find they indulge in some NASTY HOBBIES like DOGGING and SELLING THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS and DRESSING UP LIKE BABIES IN ADULT NAPPIES AND HUGE PRETTY BONNETS and HAVING LARGE LADIES SIT ON THEM. These are the people you’re working with, you have a RIGHT to know what they get up to in their own time. What’s wrong with nice hobbies like yours – Wednesday night ZUMBA CLASS and Thursday evening BOOK CLUB and Saturday morning HIKING CLUB? Each and every one of your work colleagues is, in their own way, A FUCKING PERVETED DEVIANT and if you follow them for long enough you’re sure to find out their dirty little secrets.

 

 

Bide your time until the time comes when an opportunity arises for you to blow the bastards out of the water. And it WILL. Be WATCHFUL, be WARY, be CAREFUL and you’ll get them in the end.

And you’ll still be a nice person.

Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

 

 

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58 Comments

  1. OW.. OW… I got stitches in my ribs from laughing so hard…

    ” I bet you’ll find they indulge in some NASTY HOBBIES like DOGGING and SELLING THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS and DRESSING UP LIKE BABIES IN ADULT NAPPIES AND HUGE PRETTY BONNETS and HAVING LARGE LADIES SIT ON THEM”

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty
    I hope you are over your horrible migrane.
    I tagged you in a little game, but you don’t have to play, I know you are a very busy she hermit.
    http://sailorcarrie.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/tag-youre-it-part-three/
    Love HS xx

    Reply
    • Dear HS,
      Thank you, yes the migraine has all gone now.
      I’ll have a proper look at your game but when I was a little dot I didn’t like playing Tig because the other kids always used to tig me with big sticks and branches. It hurt.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,

    I will be taking your advice on Monday. Time to get these rat bastards back! :)

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,

    You write as though some of this has been done to you; sounds to me like you’ve figured these suckers out! Will this same strategy work for us who work part-time? No, not really — I love my job and I would never do anything like that to them. But I worked in that office in the 80s — I wish I had known you then!!! 8-)

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      I’m glad you have a job you love. :-)
      Look what I can do since John gave me the link (above)
      :evil:

      :wicked:
      :P (I just have to remember this one’s a capital P)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I’ll never get them all right – but two out of three ain’t bad (wonder where I’ve heard that before) :P

  5. Dotty, these fine tools shall be applied the day I get a REAL JOB in the REAL WORLD (FA’s biggest wish and he’s at the bottom of the sea now :P (thanks Aussie)). I think I will put little inky service business on hold. Thanks for valuable inspiration.

    Reply
    • Dear Anette,
      Don’t put your inky business on hold — if there’s only YOU there, you won’t be out to get yourself (on the other hand, if you’re anything like me you will – you’ll be your own worst enemy). :P
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    How have you and google and the American Government been monitoring all of my thoughts, and movements? Because NOW you are obviously detailing my work life for the past ten years. Is it through some device in my fillings? The tinfoil hat was supposed to block those signals. I guess I will have to have all of those teeth removed. Great stuff!
    Love (a now convinced she is being spied on)
    Ranton

    Reply
    • Dear ranton,
      Tinfoil hats don’t work – biscuit tins or the deep Celebrations or Cadbury’s Heroes tins are best – drill two little holes and thread a ribbon through so it’ll stay on your head.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Don’t know why I was not informed of the reply-(must be part of the plot) I appreciate the advice. However, the products you mention not available in Hillbilly Hell here. While some Cadbury products are its mostly the candy only. But I get where you are going with it and I think I can find a suitable alternative. We lunatics must be there to help each other out-even if on different continents. Nuts knows no prejudices!
        Appreciatively,
        Ranton!

      • Dear ranton,

        What about a jam pan – I think you (as in the collective YOU) named them jelly pans during the American attack on the English language? ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        Thats cute! The Americans HAVE attacked the English Language-I WANT to spell color c-o-l-o-u-r. But I would be locked away and I now know what I would be in for if I let them (used to think it would make a decent vacation, when I had health insurance that was) so I will have to do my best to avoid that. Jam pan-I think you are right that we have mangled that into jelly. I still don’t know the difference between jam and jelly yet either.
        Love,
        Ranton

      • Dear ranton,
        You should allow your inner Britishness to flow out through your words.
        Jam is made with fruit, full of fruity bits, and it’s what you spread on your toast or make jam tarts with.
        Jelly is a wobbly gelatine thing, I think you call it Jello (stupidly).
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        Jello-the wobbly stuff-that I know-I lived on it exclusively after I got my tonsils removed at 23. Here we have Jam the fruity bit stuff-suitable for spreading on toast, crackers, etc. Jelly is similar only less fruity bits. Typically we use it for our favorite sandwich peanut butter and jelly. I myself prefer grape jelly with my peanut butter. Recently I switched over to jam, due to a lack of reading the jar I had purchased that looked identical to the jelly. We are a strange lot for sure we Americans. I think it happened after we broke away from British rule. Maybe THAT is when society really began to crumble. I have been trying to narrow down the date to a precise event. So far I have been unsuccessful. Maybe it goes as far back as when evolution began.
        Love,
        Ranton

      • Dear ranton,
        Yes, it definitely happened when we decided to let you go it alone. Just think how wonderful your life would be for you if you give us back what’s rightfully ours – every day you’d have high tea with extra-finely sliced cucumber sandwiches (no crusts), and jam tarts and lemon curd tarts and scones with clotted cream, and every Sunday you’d have a slap-up Sunday dinner, roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, some veg – and on each of the other days you’d have fish and chips. And best of all you could have CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES and McCAIN’S CHIPPY CHIPS and A PACKET OF HOBNOBS whenever you wanted. And you’d learn to speak properly like what we do.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty-
        I do the cooking just like you said the roast the veg, etc. The town I live they have a resort thats world famous and they have high tea, with the scones, the clotted cream, etc. I know that somehow my journey into life that was supposed to begin in the womb of a Brit-was somehow derailed and I ended up here -hopelessly American and Hillbilly to boot! Maybe next go round.

      • Dear ranton,
        Ah, but none of it will taste authentic. You can’t replicate perfection. ;-)
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty
        I don’t know, I may be a hillbilly-but I sure know how to cook.Hopefully one day I will get across the pond to give “perfection” a try-but I come damn close. Damn close! Thinking of selling my gravy in bottles like pepsi. Yes, it IS that good. Few things I am good at and in this order, Nurse, cook, photographer.

        Love Ranton ;0!

      • Dear ranton,
        You can come to my house and practice all you want. Yumm. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty-
        How about my 19 yr old son-he is almost through with his second year of Culinary arts at the Vocational High school? He graduates in June. He liked 9th grade so much he figured he would do it twice. Oh wait–he is scared shitless to fly. Had to get the doc to give him tranquilizers so he doesn’t miss his Senior trip in June. School is paying so he is going! But I would LOVE to! Maybe Eric Clapton could join us for dinner? (I am his biggest FANATIC!) All Brits know one another I assume? Smaller country than ours so…

      • Dear ranton,
        I had an argument with our Eric the other day when he called round to see me with our Simon (Cowell) and our Damian (Lewis) and a few others. He ate more than his share of Cumberland sausage sandwiches and our Elton (John) had to stop me giving him a punch.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        I am sure that must have been difficult. I will make things better for Eric. Its his birthday Friday-I will be his present! He may want to return me, but it is worth a try!

        Elton I am sure can be a bitch-maybe he should do a song- he can call it “Bitch is back” Oh wait-he did. That must be how I got the idea.OOPS!
        Love Ranton

      • Dear ranton,

        Our Eric doesn’t deserve a present, the amount of Cumberland sausages he scoffed. Send one to me instead.

        Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dorothy

     /  March 25, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Thankfully I don’t have to work with people but I painfully laughed envisioning my brother doing these things. He works in an evil corporation that I’m sure is filled with miscreants.
    I am now suffering from a migraine and thanks to you have your poem/song (it became a song for some tortuous reason) running through my head. I am now going to die but first I have to go to the toilet and be sick.
    Happiness is!!! lalalallalalalala……more blue pills please……..
    Dotsalot

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      I can’t do anything when I have a migraine except lie still in complete darkness – go and stick your head under the duvet and don’t come out till it’s gone. Hope it goes off soon.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear DH,
    This is why I’m a freelancer. And my boss is still a complete tit.
    Mucho Amore
    s

    Reply
  9. G’day Dotty,

    Sorry I unleashed the Emoticon beast within yourself and many of you followers.
    :twisted:

    John

    Reply
    • Dear John,

      No, don’t be sorry, I LOVE the little smileys, EVERYONE should use them.

      THANK YOU! :-) ;-) :evil: 8-) :wicked:

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. kzackuslheureux

     /  March 26, 2012

    You’re making me laugh pretty good there Dotty Dearest! Love it!

    Reply
  11. It is not legal in some states to record conversations without informing the other party. Remember Linda Tripp and the Bill Clinton affair?

    Reply
  12. Your treatment of colleagues and my approach to a job interview seem to be cut from he same cloth. Mine’s at http://wp.me/p1Xzea-zT
    Such a relief to see that there’s someone else out there with a cheerfully dark outlook on life.

    Reply

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