Dotty Had A Lovely Day Yesterday But Today Might Be Shitey Because Of My Leg

 

I had a LOVELY day yesterday and no one spoilt it. Little Emily arrived with a big beautiful bunch of wildflowers for me that she gathered on her walk down to my house and she brought us an apple and gooseberry pie – when I first glimpsed the pie my innards flipped in disgust, I thought it was another Wabbit pie, but no, it was an apple and gooseberry pie and very yummy it was too. We ate it after we ate the Cumberland sausages and before we ate the plain Victoria Sponge Sandwich Cake (sorry, Judith, little Emily snaffled the last quarter that I’d saved for you) and everything we ate was scrummy and yummy and we stuffed our faces like the little greedy gannets we are.

After our feast we were too full to do anything so we sat and talked for a while. Then we got bored with talking so we decided to play a game – Scrabble, which is one of little Emily’s favourites of the games I’ve introduced her to (another favourite is Cluedo and another is Crazy Taxis – ‘Ram his arse, Dotty, ram it hard!’). I don’t really like playing Scrabble with little Emily, not because she always wins but because she’s so fucking SLOW to put a word down, her little hand goes back and forth from her letter holder to the board, from the board to her letter holder, and she umms and aahhhs and bites her lip and screws up her eyes and you’d think she was contemplating THE ORIGINS OF EVERYTHING not just whether ‘bat’ will give her more points than ‘cat’. But I was doing my best to be a good friend because I don’t mind telling you I’ve missed her and I don’t want to scare her away like I have with all my other friends. Sometimes I miss them too, but not often, they were all a set of bitches, the lot of them — except Kathryn, she was nice. I didn’t scare Kathryn off, she moved away and by the time I started answering my phone again she’d been gone for over two years and she’d stopped leaving messages on my answerphone. She’d given up on me, the cow.

Anyway, to cut a long happy day short, little Emily and I had a long happy day ending with little Emily deciding to stay the night. She made us a nice cup of hot chocolate to take up to bed and that’s when my leg got scalded, the dozy bint spilt hers down my shin and jesus christ and his nails it hurt like fuck, I let out a scream that should have shattered the windows but it didn’t, they’re all still intact. Little Emily ran for some water and came back with it in my TOOTHBRUSH MUG with my toothbrush still in it, I said ‘what the fuck do you want me to do with THAT, brush my teeth while MY LEG IS BUBBLING UP WITH BLISTERS?’ She ran downstairs and she was gone for AGES and when she came back she had a bowl with EGG WHITES in it, (she took so long because she’d been trying to separate the eggs and couldn’t do it without a bit of yolk going in it) and then she poured the EGG WHITES on the sore bit and said I had to sit still until the EGG WHITES dried, so I did, I sat as still as a fucking meringue.

I didn’t sleep much, as you’ll have probably guessed. And if I couldn’t sleep I was fucked if I was letting her have a good, restful night in the land of Noddy. No, I made her stay up with me and run round after me and feel guilty for CRIPPLING ME and BURNING A BIG HOLE IN MY LEG, THE SAME LEG THAT WILL SOON BE AMPUTATED BECAUSE GANGRENE WILL SET IN UNLESS I’M PROVIDED WITH A CONSTANT SUPPLY OF THE SPECIAL PROTEIN THAT’S FOUND ONLY IN CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES. It’s amazing what a Victorian will believe, you can tell them anything - as long as you say it’s been PROVED BY SCIENCE they’ll lap it up like scabby, starving kittens at their milk. 

So off she went this morning to buy some more eggs from the farm they get their eggs from and I hope she remembers to bring me something nice to eat, I told her I need chocolate (Lindt, lots of it) it’s a proven fact that chocolate is good for the circulation and I need to keep my blood going round or my leg won’t heal and necrosis will set in and eat my leg and it’ll turn black and drop off. And ice-cream (Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food, 4 tubs) to help unthicken the chocolate as it works its way through my veins. And those little cheesecakes you get in packs of four, toffee ones (2 packs) because something in the process of putting cheese in a cheesecake results in essential nutrients being fast-tracked to the skin, ensuring rapid healing and the forming of good, healthy scar tissue.

I’m going to watch the first series of Dexter again with my leg up – it’s the best series of Dexter even though I know his brother did it – and wait for little Emily to come back with my goodies. Then she can make our dinner – Cumberland sausage sandwiches. And I’ll have a little cheesecake or two for my pudding. And then a bit of chocolate. And then a bit of ice cream. And then I’ll probably need a little sleep, but little Emily will be here to watch over me.

I love my little best friend.

 

 

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39 Comments

  1. Dorothy

     /  March 27, 2012

    You are a good friend to little Emily. Giving her such a grand mission to accomplish will allay the guilt feelings I’m sure she’s wallowing in for scalding you. I hope you feel better soon and won’t need any canes or a walking aid to keep the memory fresh in poor little Emily’s noggin. For future reference if she bathes you in her hot toddy again and if you’ve used your last egg in the cake, you can also make a poultice out of grated raw potatoes mixed with a bit of laudanum. There’s also a poultice you can make out of raw onions but you need to wrap that up good so you don’t smell so much. Better yet, keep hot liquid away from little Emily……and sharp, pointy things too!
    Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      Thank you. She mentioned laudanum last night but I wouldn’t give her the bottle, it was the last one I had till Branwell called round this morning with more. She brought everything I asked for but I had to send her back – she got STRAWBERRY cheesecake instead of toffee and I don’t like strawberry.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Dotty, I’m not sure I would call a day with hot chocolate scaldings a good day. But at least it was chocolate, not just plain water. Even terrible accidents are better, when chocolate is involved. I hope Emily returns with all your goodies. Today.

    Reply
    • Dear Anette,
      Yes she did, thank you. I just told Dorothy how she got the wrong cheesecakes and I had to send her back. Funny how she returned with my toffee cheesecakes AND the strawberry ones which happen to be her favourites.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,

    Ethics and well the whole “I must stick my nose in everywhere” requires that I do this, so please forgive me in advance for the following:
    If you do have a hard to heal leg wound-hyberbaric oxygen therapy is widely used here in the states for treatment. Wound vacs as well. There are quite a few Alternative or complementary treatments used here as well and Wound Care is actually a specialty in Nursing. I have seen amazing things done here with some amazingly ‘difficult’ wounds. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to get hold of me. You know how to contact me.
    Love Ranton

    Reply
    • Dear ranton,
      Thank you very much for being concerned, but I’m fine, really – little Emily knows what to do, she called into the Apothecary when she was shopping and got some nasty stuff and bandages. But thank you. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. clownonfire

     /  March 27, 2012

    Dotty,
    Do take good care.
    And if you don’t want to watch the Ice Truck Killer season again, there’s always Mad Men Season 5…
    Zou Bisou Bisou.
    The Clown

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,
    I didn’t know you could get anything other than Monty Python, football (actually soccer), cricket, and Coronation street on your 4 BBC channels.
    Will wonders never cease?
    Yours,
    Sara

    Reply
  6. THE BROTHER DID IT????

    just kidding… Love that show!

    PS. Stick to cold drinks, they burn less. :D

    Reply
    • Dear Brick,
      I like the first series best, it went downhill from there.
      And oops, I gave the ending away – oh well, I just saved everyone about £30.00 :evil: :grin:
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • The first will always be the best since it also has the allure that suckered us all in. I just discovered Dexter 1 1.2 years ago and went days watching the first 4 seasons. I hope they spend the last 2 years getting back to what made the show great.

        PS, the devil happy face is very fitting for you

        Love Brick

      • Dear Brick,
        I’ve only seen 2 or 3 seasons, I can’t remember, 3 I think but I think it could have stopped at the first one, the whole story had been told. Oh, except the bit about him MARRYING HIS SISTER!
        Love Dotty xxx

      • You have to see season 4 with John Lithgow. That season is right there with season one.

      • Dear Brick,
        I’ll look out for it on ThEbayofbargains. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dear Dotty,

    I bet little Emily feels quite badly about the whole thing. After all, you did tell her Toffee! heeheeheehee I hope your leg is feeling better soon. I just had some tea and toast, but my tummy is not appreciating it very much. I’ll check in later, if I feel better.

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      She did it on purpose so she could have the strawberry flavour.
      Hope your dicky tummy rights itself soon. :-(
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay in the AM — I hope your leg is okay, and that you had a great day!

        Love,

        Judith

      • Dear Judith,
        Hope so. 8-)
        Yes, thank you it’s fine, but don’t tell little Emily just yet. She has to pay.
        Love Dotty xxx

  8. Every time you come in contact with anyone, you just end up getting hurt. What part of hermit do you not understand?

    Reply
  9. WHEREAS your admiring correspondent had yet to see ‘Dexter,’ and WHEREAS in your most delightful (but tragically spoilerentious) post you obviate the need for such pleasurable leisure time activities through your most helpful identification of the principle malefactor and his familial ties to the story’s protagonist,
    RESOLVED, burn the witch!

    Reply
    • Dear Smakitonthehead,

      Hello. :-)

      I’m sorry you spoiled Dexter for yourself by reading my post. But just think of what you’ll be able to do with the hours and hours you’ve saved by not watching it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Sadly, your premise is flawed in its assumption that I will use my new-found free time constructively.

      • Dear Smakitonthehead,
        Who said anything about using your time constructively? Not me. That was your subconscious speaking, telling you to join a pottery class or learn to speak Latvian.
        Love Dotty xxx

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