Donate To Dotty For A Very Important Cause

 

In my travels around WordPress I’ve come across lots of blogs with DONATE buttons on them. The begging bloggers want people to give them money for many various reasons – they want to travel; they want to buy a house; they want to buy a new Gucci bag; they want to buy food for their children; they want to pay for granny to be put in a home – everyone has a different reason but each and every one of those reasons are STUPID and FRIVOLOUS.

I want a DONATE button for my little blog but MY reason is VERY IMPORTANT – I want to buy a CANNON and some CANNON BALLS. When I get my CANNON I’m going to knock a hole in my bricked-up front door and fit the CANNON BARREL into the hole and then cement round it so NOTHING can get in AND I’LL BE ABLE TO BLAST AWAY ANY FUCKERS WHO COME TO MY FRONT DOOR.

But I don’t know where to get a DONATE button. And if I do find out where to get one and I get one I won’t be able to fit it onto my little blog because I CAN’T EVEN DO PICTURES SO HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO A DONATE BUTTON?

So what I thought is you all (y’all) could just put the wedge of money you’re going to give me in an envelope (notes only please, Royal Mail will charge me if you put coins in the envelope) and send it to me through the proper post, but for obvious reasons you’re not getting my house address so you’ll have to wait until I’ve set up a Post Office box you can send it to. In the meantime, my lovely generous Followers and Readers, START SAVING YOUR MONEY FOR YOUR DOTTY TO BUY HER CANNON AND SOME CANNON BALLS – £20 notes and $50 notes, please (and the same in whatever currency you use) because you can get more money in the envelope with the higher value notes and it’ll save you money on postage in the long run because an envelope stuffed with higher value notes will cost the same to send as an envelope stuffed with lower value notes, I’ll  just get less.

 

Give me your money and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing your Dotty is safe in her house and no fucker can get through the bricks.

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41 Comments

  1. I’ll send you a blank cheque

    Reply
    • Dear joe,
      Thank you! See, I just KNEW I’d be flooded with money, bloggers are LOVELY. I’ll buy my cannon and some cannon balls with your cheque (I won’t overspend, don’t worry) and I’ll start making a list for what I can buy when everyone else sends me their dosh. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Don’t forget to build a depository for Cumberland sausages, too :D

    Reply
    • Dear SSM,
      Oh, do you mean like those holes you have in walls so mothers can post their babies instead of abandoning them? YES! I WANT ONE for Cumberland sausages! Brilliant idea. When should I expect the funds?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. clownonfire

     /  March 28, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    You could add a PayPal button.
    And I will be happy to help you make a button that will fit into your blog.
    Still your #1 fan, EVER,
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      Thank you, but I think I prefer opening big fat envelopes. Plus, it’s better if my bank doesn’t find out.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,

    I think a cannon is a brilliant idea! The perfect way to guard your front door from Scotty and Lottie, too! Now you’ll just have to think of a way to do the same in the back, and put it on your donations list. The nerve of thos other bloggers, asking for donations to end world hunger. If they would just eat their Cumberland sausages, nobody would be hungry! (That’s very cold-hearted for me to say,sorry!) (Plus, you don’t want a run on Cumberland sausages around the world, because then where would you have a steady stream of supply?) I need to think about this!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I’ve been thinking about what I can do with the back door – a cannon’s no good, I wouldn’t be able to let little Emily in or out. I need something with face recognition or an eyeball scanner so my back door doesn’t attack the wrong people, but I don’t know what.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • That makes sense — maybe you could put a small door underneath the cannon that only Emily could use. That way you could fire that cannon at anybody who comes over to mess you up!

      • Dear Judith,
        Ah, but another door would defeat the whole object – Lottie would find a way for THE BERSERKERS to get in through it.
        Love Dotty xxx

  5. what if they come to the back door???

    Reply
  6. Dorothy

     /  March 28, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I have Japanese Yen from my trip to Japan but I don’t know their worth now, also some Euros…..is anything worth anything anymore?? I also love the idea of the depository but make it high enough so a sneaky animal can’t crawl through it in the night. Just like that raccoon that was climbing around my back tree last night…..he would have loved your Cumberland sausages!!
    Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      Euros schmeuros. The Europeans can stick their Euros up their own oily euros.
      THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR CURRENCY FROM US.
      £££££ SAVE THE POUND £££££

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Can hedgehogs climb?

      Reply
  7. If you have some form of explosive with which to fire the canon… (black powder, whatever),… it might be simpler and cheaper to manufacture a booby trap on your porch by just filling in behind the brick wall with a large portion of the powder, pushing a fuse through from your side, and lighting it when ever someone comes to the door. You can vary the amount of powder depending on how far you wish to propel the intruder. Also, when the police come, tell them it was a gas explosion. Much easier to defend in court than when the coroner shows pictures to the jury of the corpse with a huge hole through it.

    Reply
    • Dear pmao,
      I’ve already ordered my cannon, JoeHoover is paying for it. But this might work for my back door if face recognition could be installed with it. I’m not bothered about Dibble, I’ve got them wrapped round my little finger now.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • You could even just fill a box with canon balls and hang it above the door, with a string to tip it from inside. Just crush the bastards. No explosives needed. Think of the savings. Or, add the powder to the canon, but not the ball. You could shoot your uninvited guest across the street, but they might survive to spread the word. Keep the moral high ground.

      • Dear pmao,
        No, I want to blast big holes in them, I like that moment right after the cannonball goes through and they look down and realise a cannonball-sized chunk of their middle has disappeared.
        Love Dotty xxx
        P.S. I thought poison darts might be a good idea, with a slow-working poison like you put down for mice so they won’t curl up and die before they get home.

      • I still think a loose brick falling on their heads would be the best when you appear in court.

      • Dear pmao,

        NO! The bricks are mine. I need them, I’d die without them.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • You can clean them and reuse them.

      • Dear pmao,

        What if they shatter?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • What if they break into the shape of a head?

      • Dear pmao,

        The only head they can break into the shape of is mine! That’s why I need them – or haven’t you reached ‘My Head-Shaped Brick’ yet?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I am confused about that, because I have read about the bricks, but I do not remember the origins.

      • Dear pmao,
        Brick Therapy. With forehead.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • I will look for it. My memory is not what it once was.

      • I remember the breaking brick. I started way back last year, so I don’t see how I missed it.

      • Dear pmao,
        From what I can remember I was never explicit about my brick therapy.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • oooooh… explicit brick therapy… sexy

  8. Dear Dotty,

    I decided to blog my little note responding to you as a record of this excellent idea and how personally it has affected me. Thank you again for all your good ideas!

    Love,
    Owl

    Reply
  9. kzackuslheureux

     /  March 29, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Love the idea, brilliant! However, this last post makes me wonder if your Great, Great Grandpa wasn’t just a wee bit American??? Did your Grammy have an eye for the fly-boys? hmmm? You know blowing big holes into anyone that comes knocking at the door with one big gun is totally American…
    Love, Alphabet

    Reply
  10. Two quick notes…

    A) All my monopoly money is in an envelope and ready for mailing

    B) I think you and PMAO are having some serious sexual tension…. LOL

    Reply
    • Dear Brick,

      A Monopoly money is no good, you won’t be able to play without it.
      If you win the big lottery you can sort me out with a few million (pounds not dollars).

      B No not at all, just two mentals being mental and having a giggle.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • lol. I guess I’ll put the monopoly money back in the box then, Sighhhhh.

        Brick…

  11. Yay! Now this makes sense!

    Reply
  1. A Little Note to Dotty, Regarding Getting a Cannon | thegoodbadpeople

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