Today I’m going to write a story about a zoo but I don’t know who should tell it -
1 the lion
2 the ostrich
3 the penguin
4 the bear
The zookeeper is also an option, he knows everything that happens in the zoo but he doesn’t know what the animals THINK which would be a problem.
I am doing 3 – the penguin.
THE PENGUIN
Once upon a time there was a penguin.
What else can I put?
Once upon a time there was a cold penguin who lived in the cold. He was cold. His penguin wife was cold, his penguin kids were cold, his penguin mother was cold, his penguin father was cold, his penguin brother was cold, his penguin sisters were cold, they were all cold, but they huddled together in a big group like it showed on that penguin film when all the mothers fucked off and left the FATHERS in charge of the kids, what’s THAT all about, MRS PENGUIN, why don’t you stay with your kids? No one’s saying you can’t have a job or a social life but it’s a well known fact that when a child is ill the one person in the world it wants is its MUM. And what happens when MUM isn’t there? I’ll tell you what happens –
ABANDONMENT ISSUES
REJECTION ISSUES
ANGER ISSUES
ATTACHMENT ISSUES
SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES
CONFIDENCE ISSUES
NEUROSIS
HYSTERICAL HISSY FITS
THUGGERY
SLUTTERY
WIFE BATTERY
HUSBAND BATTERY
SERIAL KILLERY
TYRANNICAL MASS MURDERY ON AN INTERNATIONAL SCALERY
THE END
Oh, I didn’t want it to be a sad story, I wanted it to be happy, I wanted the little penguins to dance with their happy little feet and be warm and cosy and safe.
Why does life have to be so cruel?
Grumpy
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
That was brilliant!
I want more zoo stories!
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Grumpy,
Thank you. I might write one about the Monkey House next.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
You do have a way of getting to the kernel of truth that is most important — in this case, cold! I think you should print up a whole bunch of copies, and send them to Antarctica, so the mother penguins can be shamed into staying around. Isn’t that what they should be doing? Terrific post!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Judith,
Thank you. I don’t think it would make any difference, they’re cold-hearted witches who have no shame. They shouldn’t be allowed to have kids in the first place.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
But then what would the world do for penguins? Surely, if we could just talk to them, they’ll mend their wicked ways and come home to those fluffy little penguin babies.
I hope all is well with you, and that you are in the middle of a terrific day!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Judith,
I don’t think they will – I think part of why they bugger off in the first place is because they’re trying to emasculate the male penguins.
Yes, thank you – the sun is shining, I’ve got the back door open to let in some fresh air and let out the smell of a winter’s worth of Cumberland sausages, little birds are tweeting and the only thing bothering me is the sound of a lawn mower because it’s hurting my ears but I’m putting up with it because the fresh air is nice. How is your morning?
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ March 30, 2012“TYRANNICAL MASS MURDERY ON AN INTERNATIONAL SCALERY”
007 was a penguin?
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear John,
Yes. His real name was Paul (the Penguin). He was a master of disguise but if you look closely at Daniel Craig’s eyes you’ll see they’re a COLD BLUE colour.
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Exactly!!! Blame the mothers!…wait a minute…I’m a mother…..but it’s true. Just look at all of those Disney movies for example, the mothers are no where to be found they’re either dead or ran off (usually dead)…what’s up with that? Still, I want to hear more, especially in a monkey house….true lunacy!!!
Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dorothy,
I wrote The Monkey House this afternoon but I can’t post it, one of the Spectacled Langurs forgot his spectacles and tore up the story because he couldn’t read it.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Add a Jonsi soundtrack and your readers will make it a happy post.
True story.
Your #1 fan,
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear clown,
I didn’t know who Jonsi was so I asked google. I wish I hadn’t.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ March 30, 2012Dotty,
He might not be pretty, but he has a pretty voice.
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear clown,
No. He doesn’t.
Love Dotty xxx
cooper
/ March 30, 2012you forgot about TWINKIE ADDICTION…..
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear cooper,
I didn’t know what Twinkie’s were so I asked google. I wish I hadn’t.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 30, 2012Thank you for leaving out the ostrich… Jessica has an irrational fear of them.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear pmao,
Do you get many ostrichs where you live?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 30, 2012We live between the San Diego zoo, the wild animal park, and a ranch where you can feed them so yes.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear pmao,
We have sparrows.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 30, 2012We have those too. And those damn European Starlings which you obviously imported over here just to harass our cool local birds…
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear pmao,
I don’t like starlings either, they’re the bully boys of bird world.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 30, 2012Badly behaving beasts barbarically berating their brethren by bothering and belittling basically better birds. Bitches…
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear pmao,
bastards
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ March 30, 2012Right, I was being sexist again.
saradraws
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Slutty, neglectful mama-guins are my kind of people.
Abandoningly yours
Sara
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Sara,
I don’t know what a mama-guin is so I asked google. Google doesn’t know either.
Love Dotty xxx
saradraws
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
A mother penguin, obviously. I love neologisms.
Yours,
s
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Sara,
Me is avin a dum day today.
Where’s the little smiley that smacks it head for that OH YEAH, STUPID moment?
Love Dotty xxx
Ink. [Anette]
/ March 30, 2012This is very good Dotty. I enjoyed your little story. Indeed a sad one, but nonetheless a real one. Reality sux. Sometimes. Let me know if you need pictures for your Monkey House story okay. Have a great day Dotty ♥
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear Anette,
Thank you, pictures would have been nice but the story is gone now.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
Best. Story. Ever. Now do the lion!!!!
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear owl,
Thank you. I’m too scared to do the lion story after what happened to The Monkey House story I wrote earlier.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
I understand. Especially given that there would need to be a lot of raw meat involved, as well as plenty of roaring, which could trigger a migraine. But . . . whenever I think of lovely beautiful lions I wish so much that I could smell their paws. *SIGH*
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear owl,
But the paws would smell of raw meat too. And there’d probably still be some chunks of torn up antelope in their toenails.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ March 30, 2012Dear Dotty,
I know, but context is everything. LION PAWS. Also they would smell of grass. Vetiver-y.
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 30, 2012Dear owl,
They’d still smell of antelope. Or zebra -poor little zebra.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ March 31, 2012Dearest Dotty,
One of my all time favorites! You darling you!
Love Truly,
Alphabet.
Dotty Headbanger
/ March 31, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx