Dotty Nearly Died Last Night But Dibble Saved Her From The Mean Things

 

I’m living in my tumble dryer. Don’t worry, it’s only till Scotty and Lottie have got rid of all the MEAN THINGS in my house. I’ve taken all my beta-blockers so I won’t have a panic attack and disturb all my neat bandages or make my elbows and knees more sore than they already are from April Fool’s Day, and I’ve got my bottle of laudanum with me, and I’ve sneaked in my mini hand-drill in case I really need it, and the hospital gave me TWO jags in the arse last night - some whizzy floaty stuff that’s still working and some superwhoppy painkiller - and that’s how I’m able to tell you all about it.

It’s quite comfortable in here. I’m sitting with my legs crossed and my laptop on my lap (is it still a lap if your legs are crossed or is it a clap or a crap or a clop or a crop) and I can see everything that’s going on in my kitchen through my round window (I always chose the round window in Playschool – HAMBEL! BIG TED! LITTLE TED! JEMIMA! – oh, I’ve got a Jemima, she’s sitting on the sidebar) and I can hear everything that’s going on too and they can hear me but the metal echo hurts my ears a lot when I shout.

Have you ever seen a crack assassin wield a feather duster? Scotty is so PRECISE and EXACT. He’s like MERCENARY MARY POPPINS except he’s bigger and he can’t sing. And he’s scared of children. I thought he’d try and use dusting as an excuse to get rid of more of my collections but – get this! - LOTTIE won’t let him, she said all he’s allowed to do is move something to DUST IT AND DUST WHERE IT LIVES and then PUT IT BACK IN ITS PLACE.

wOw

Do you want to know why they’re here? Shall I tell you what happened?

No, I don’t think I will.

 

 

 

 

beep

‘LOTTIE! THE FUCKING DRYER JUST BEEPED!’

‘It didn’t, I’ve switched it off at the wall.’

‘Oh. Right you are then.’

 

 

 

 

 

I was only kidding – of course I’ll tell you it. Why wouldn’t I? I love you all (y’all).

It was Anette’s fault - she scared me last night when she told me there are MEAN THINGS in my house. After the first four panic attacks, when the laudanum and the beta blockers started to kick in, I did what she said and got all my cutlery out and laid it round me on my bed, then I wrapped myself in tin foil but I didn’t have enough to cover all of me, I managed to cover everywhere except from my left knee down AND THAT’S WHERE THEY GOT IN. I felt them slithering up my leg (I had my short-leg pyjama bottoms on) and then they started biting me but it wasn’t really biting it was more like suck-biting, like vampire leeches and then they were all over me inside the tin foil slithering suck-biting slithering suck-biting and I was screaming and I grabbed some forks and tried to kill them, legs STAB arms STAB belly STAB neck STAB face STAB head STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB everywhere all over me and I couldn’t kill them, they wouldn’t get off me I killed one and twenty more slithered onto me I screamed and screamed and STABBED and STABBED and they kept coming and coming and then BIG ONES came ROARING ROARING ROARING my name and they grabbed my arms and I knew they’d eat me if I didn’t fight back so I STABBED and KICKED and BIT and NUTTED them but MORE BIG ONES grabbed my legs and my head and my middle and pinned me down and I thought that’s it, I’m for it now but I wasn’t, they ripped the tinfoil off my face and they weren’t BIG MEAN THINGS they were DIBBLE and AMBULANCE and they were all swearing and shouting and one was holding his blood-spurty nose and another was bent double holding his balls and that’s all I remember until I woke up in hospital and Scotty and Lottie were there.

I’ve got 78 butterfly stitches. It sounds a lot but they’re spread all over me in twos and threes with one big one on my neck that needed seven butterly stitches. It doesn’t hurt but I think it will later on when the super-whoppy painkiller wears off.

So Scotty and Lottie – Dibble went for them and took them to where I was, in hospital, and they told me that when they arrived I was out for the count so they waited for me to wake up. While they were waiting Lottie went to get some drinks and that’s when a FEMALE HEADSHRINKER came down from upstairs to do her voodoo on me but Scotty used all his charm and wiles and (Scotty told me this bit later, Lottie doesn’t know) he took her in a toilet cubicle and SHAGGED THE SENSE OUT OF HER, love at first sight, beautiful, marry you, my darling, my only one, four kids, I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU, and when I woke up they brought me home and the first thing I did when we got home is pretend I needed a wee so I could go upstairs for my laudanum and my mini hand-drill and then I ran (hobbled) downstairs and grabbed my laptop and got inside the tumble dryer. The first thing Scotty did when we got home was ring THE BIG CHIEF INSPECTOR and as a result of his phone call they’re not coming to charge me with GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM any more. The first thing Lottie did when we got home is make us a pile of Cumberland sausage sandwiches.

Both of them sat on the kitchen floor, outside the tumble dryer, to eat their Cumberland sausage sandwiches at the same time as I was eating mine. Lottie made me tell her about the MEAN THINGS and after I’d finished telling her she said

‘That’s it, Scotty’s moving back in with you.’

Scotty’s mouth was stuffed with sandwich so he did some big nods.

‘We’ll get you sorted out - NO, Dotty, no arguments. We’ll start by getting rid of the mean things. That woman Anette doesn’t know anything, it isn’t shiny things they’re afraid of - it’s FLASH SPRAY WITH BLEACH.’

So they’ve been cleaning EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING in my house and Lottie isn’t letting Scotty slack off at all, she’s bossing him round like a Sergeant Major. And they keep bringing me drinks of Diet Coke and the odd Cumberland sausage when I want one and about half an hour ago little Emily popped her head round the back door and her eyes were as big as saucers when she saw me in the tumble dryer but a second later when she noticed Scotty dusting a shelf her eyes became HUGE, like glittery frisbees, and I thought ‘Dear jesus, no, please don’t let it happen,’ but it was too late, I couldn’t stop it – THE THUNDERBOLT and she hasn’t taken her eyes off him since.

Bits of me are starting to sting.

Come on, Lottie and Scotty - hurry up with cleaning out the MEAN THINGS, I need a wee and I need a sleep.

I’m going to try and have a sleep in here, my eyes keep shutting and I can’t stand that stupid look on little Emily’s face.

God love her and save her.

 

 

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84 Comments

  1. Nothing like a good sausage sandwich, might need to go raid the fridge after reading this.

    Reply
  2. Dorothy

     /  April 3, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    My goodness what an incredible experience you’ve had to endure and I’ll have to remember this so I can get people to clean my house too if this is what it takes to get others to do the work for me!! Except I have a smaller dryer and there’s no way in hell I could get my fat ass inside that dryer door without snapping my neck off first.
    In any case, I am relieved to hear you are okay and safe for the moment.
    Dorothy

    Reply
  3. I’m so sorry Dotty. I truly am. I will no longer comment on your blog. I’ve put you through horrible things. I didn’t mean to you know. P.S. I will still “like” your post okay. P.P.S. The Bleach Flash Spray is bullshit! Totally!

    Reply
    • Dear Anette,
      Oh, don’t not comment – I wouldn’t have known about the mean things if you hadn’t told me. And I now have SHINY SURFACES so whether it’s shiny surfaces or Flash Spray with Bleach that keeps them away I don’t care, as long as they don’t come near me again. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Oh Dotty. I am so happy you solved the problem and you have people around you, to help you take care and deal with dirty stuff and mean things and bleach and shiny surfaces. It was like a nightmare coming through when I read your post you know. All the butterflies. I just couldn’t handle it. I felt horribly guilty. I hope my mom will never find out. She will kick my butt. Okay so I will comment again okay.

      • Dear Anette,
        Really, you’ve done me the biggest favour – I’m talking to Scotty again, Lottie has been NICE TO ME which is a wonder in itself, the only drawback is little Emily seems to have taken a big shine to Scotty and I don’t want to encourage her because he’s a bit of a ladies’ man. But don’t feel guilty, the butterflies will fly away in a few days and it’ll be like they were never here.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dotty, you shouldn’t worry too much about the Scotty Emily thing. If Emily really is dead, Scotty will loose interest sooner or later. Most likely sooner. It is my impression that most men like women… like… hot you know. Like alive. Of course, there are other types of men… too. But I don’t wanna get into that here okay.

      • Dear Anette,
        I don’t know if he’d draw the line at ghosts but Scotty isn’t at all fussy – he shagged a HEADSHRINKER to get me out of hospital last night and if he can go with one of them… well!
        Love Dotty xxx

      • OMG! Scotty is clearly a man who’s willing to do anything. I mean A N Y T H I N G. Keep him on a short leash and stay close friends with him. He can come in handy anytime.

      • Dear Anette,
        You have no idea what he can do. Neither do I, really – sometimes he tells me things, most of the time not, everything’s cloak and dagger with him.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Gosh Dotty. You make Scotty sound like his James’ cousin. I’m sure there are details in his life you’re much better of not knowing about.

      • Dear Anette,
        You’re right, but I’m nosey – if I can get his secrets out of him I will.
        Love Dotty xxx
        P.S. If you want to see how much of a ladies man he is, have a look at our family tree.

      • 28 Headbangers?!!! He’s getting around huh? Not exactly waiting his time. So what’s the Judas thing?

      • Dear Anette,
        He’s like two people – Scotty, my lovely brother and Useless Judas, the sneaky bastard who plays mind tricks on me like the MISSPELLING THING he did to me a few weeks ago.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dotty, not to give you flashbacks or anything but take a look at this: http://artprofilesworld.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/tin-foil-art/
        I imagine, you might’ve looked a little like that last night :)

      • Dear Anette,

        YESYESYES that was me, except MEAN THINGS got inside the tinfoil with me.

        I like that picture of the TREASURE too. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I know Dotty. I know they did. I smoked 20 fags while reading your post. It really got to my nerves you know.
        I think the tinfoil art is totally cool!

      • Dear Anette,
        Can I give you a tip – don’t ever smoke more than seven fags when you’re in your tumble dryer – that eighth one fogs up the whole of the inside and you can’t see to type.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dotty, I do not have big tumblir like you have, but my Floating Castle slightly resembles one, except it can take many many maaaany fags before I cannot see keyboard. The alarm goes off before I reach dense fog, but it will no longer. I throw it overboard this morning.

      • Dear Anette,
        Why? If you haven’t got an alarm you won’t be able to tell when you can’t see.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • You got a point there Dotty Dang! I should’ve consulted you before I took drastic measures. Now I have to get into bloody shark and stingray infested water to get the thing up.

      • Dear Anette,
        Use a fishing net.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Anette,
        why didn’t I say use a net, Anette.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • If Floating Castle had still been on the bottom of the sea that would’ve worked. But we’ve moved to higher grounds and is pretty deep here. I’ll see if I can convince cat to go diving later when his done napping.

      • Dear Anette,
        Do you have a pretty shark tooth collection?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Well pretty and pretty… sort of. I got 24 total so far. Each time the docs pull them out of me arse I keep them in a itty bitty box, you know. I’m gonna make dentures of them one day. Let’s see who’s laughing now, notch notch know what I mean?

      • Dear Anette

        I WANT SHARK TOOTH DENTURES TOO.

        NO FUCKER WOULD MESS WITH DOTTY THE SHARK

        Love Dotty xxx

      • No see that’s what I figured right. NO FUCKER WILL EVER FUCKING MESS WITH DOTTY OR ANETTE, THE MONSTER SHAAAAARKS! I got Stingray barbs too you know…

      • Dear Anette,

        We can go

        CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
        CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
        CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP

        and spit out the bones.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Yes!! Sweeeeeeet 8)

    • clownonfire

       /  April 3, 2012

      Anette,
      This time, and this time only, I’m not jealous that you’re sharing your blog time between Dotty and I (only Dotty and I, right?).
      Love to Dotty makes me happy.
      Le Clown

      Reply
      • Well, here and there and over at redwheedsfjildsjf place too okay. I also go see Sara, Le Sara you know and Anne and some other you don’t know. But not very often. I’d say.

  4. I LOVE YOUR WACKY STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I REALLY LOVE THE NUN WITH THE ROLLING EYES!!!!!!!!!,……where do you get that kind of stuff???????

    Reply
    • Dear johndoe,
      It’s the laws of attraction, like to like, mental to mental. I have a friend who does all the eyes and guillotines and stuff for me. Do you like Jemima the Evil Doll’s eyes?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • i haven’t seen the dolls eyes yet,…..nun’s kinda freak me out,…so her’s really caught my attention though!!!!!!

      • Dear johndoe,
        Ha! She does that to a lot of people, catches their attention when they least expect it – it’s part of her nunny powers, mesmerising the unwary.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • lol,…..blah blah blah!!!!! lol!!!!!

  5. kzackuslheureux

     /  April 3, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    My goodness, this sounds like what I imagine it would be like for some crackhead to wig out on themselves. I knew a woman (not a friend she was a total crackhead) that went into a trance and started dancing with all her children in the kitchen… only none of her children were there. The state took all four away from the unfit beasty. I did feel sorry for her though. But then again she was stupid enough to try the meth so…. go figure!
    Stay in your dryer Dotty, it must be safer in there!
    Love,
    Alphabet

    Reply
    • Dear Alphabet,
      That must be awful – poor woman. That’s why I’d never touch drugs, you never know how you’ll react.
      And I’m out of my tumble dryer because the mean things have gone now.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. My dear friend Dotty,

    I clicked on like on this post, not because I like that you were in the ER, but because I am proud of you for handling yourself so evenly in the face of a lot of shit. I’m glad Lottie is supervising Scotty — sounds like Lottie is being more of a sister now than before. I am glad they are clearing away all of the mean things; I’m glad you are trying for sleep, which is always a big help! I’m very sorry that I took so long to answer this today. Unlike the other day, I knew what I wanted to say to you, but my Safari crashed, and it takes forfuckingever to start back up. I so hope that you are finding some peace in the tumble dryer — seems like a good spot to me, with only one way in or out, so you can control who you have to deal with.

    I love you, Dotty, and I’m glad you aren’t to be charged with assault with a deadly fork!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I’m glad your Safari is working again – did the monkeys chew something vital?

      I’m amazed at Lottie, she’s being NICE and I don’t sense any ulterior motives or anything like I normally do with her. She even said SHE’LL come round and stay at night too and bring THE BERSERKERS with her if I’m wary about being in the house on my own with Scotty so tonight they’re all staying with me and it’ll be like when we were kids again except we’re not.

      Thank you for being my lovely friend. I love you too. 8-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. I have seen a crack squirrel wielding a feather duster… so there…
    Tell me more about your short-leg pajama bottoms… please…
    And we are taking away all your pointy things.

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    Maybe you’ll all have some fun tonight — I sure hope so. I don’t know about Safari — I think someone brought the elephants inside the night that it rained, and they just got bored, so they started unplugging and plugging wires — just like kids, those elephants!

    I am on my way to the supermarket, so I won’t be writing until later today, but I’ll get there eventually. 8-)

    I feel like a lucky woman to have found you — or was it you found me — anyway, I’m happy you’re my friend, and I’m even happier that I”m yours.

    I hope your night is peaceful!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Well I hope it’s all fixed and working now and you’ve chased the elephants back to where they live.

      I’m going to get Scotty to take me to the big Tesco again when I get my bandages off. :-)

      And I can’t remember now who found who – was it me? you? – I don’t know. But I’m SO glad it happened. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Oh Dotty,
    I’m sorry the mean things showed up. You are such a powerful writer and to do it while inside a dryer with your lap top and cigarettes, that, my dear, is the sign of genius.

    What’s a Tesco?

    xoxox Maggie

    Reply
    • Dear Maggie,
      Thank you, it is a bit of a squash.
      Tesco is a nasty thing, it’s vying for global domination with Walmart.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    Heavens, it was a busy day for you. You must be exhausted. I hope you have lots of laudanum for when you want it. Also I would like some laudanum, but in Puritania I don’t think anyone even knows about it, unless they are literary, and I do know quite a few of those, but none of them have ever mentioned laudanum to me, but then again if I had it I don’t think I would want to share it. Plus it is such a lovely name, lllllaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuudanum.

    I have wine.

    Turns out instead of writing a post today I worked on my paper. So far I’ve got about 3500 words toward about 10,000. But even if I haven’t posted, I’m never far away, and it’s good to have company like you.

    Love,
    Owl

    Reply
    • Dear owl,

      Thank you, yes I have LOADS of laudanum, Branwell sent me a basketful of vials and bottles yesterday. Puritania sounds like a horrible place filled with pokey-faced people whose idea of WILD is tea and tiffin without the tea but I suppose it’s possible they’ve never mentioned laudanum to you because they don’t want to share theirs. Hmm. When you next visit one (not a LITERARY – they’re too prudish) have a good poke round their house and see if you can find some to steal – even if they suspect you they won’t say anything, they’re too polite.

      You have to find 10,000 words? Do you want to buy some from my swearing collection? FUCK is the most popular.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,
    I liked the sexy bits.
    xxx
    Sara

    Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,

    Yes, you have it right about the tea, which of course makes people much too speedy and therefore is no good. In Puritania most things, like tea (unless it is made out of one alfalfa sprout, money, or the bloody hide of an urban deer) are considered “toxic,” so people do tend to focus on the tiffin. Of course, tiffin here normally consists of something rawlicious and rawvolutionary, like dehydrated flaxseed crawkers and maybe a shot of wheatgrass juice, or else a slow roasted baby deer in raccoon batter served up in a BMW with a little wasabi on the side (which isn’t light at all; who knew?) Depending on who you are.

    I stick to the tea (and the wine), but I might get found out, which would involve getting up in the scaffold again with the letter T sewn onto my heart chakra. Boring.

    I’ve got over 6000 words now, and I think I might have a line of a couple thousand more today, but I will let you know about FUCK in case I do end up needing a few envelopes full.

    Love,
    Owl

    Reply
    • Dear owl,
      I’d be tempted to wander round with a bottle of melted lard concealed about my person which I could whip out and sprinkle over their fancy healthy posh nosh.
      Good luck with gathering your words. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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