Happy Headbanger Family (We’re Like The F***ing Waltons)

 

SNOW – lots of it

WIND – blowing a hooley round my house

= WILD FUCKING BLIZZARD

It hasn’t let up all morning.

 

And I’m snowed in. Not downstairs, that’s okay, but if I need to get out of one of the two upstairs windows that face the BLIZZARD I can’t because they’re CAKED IN SNOW, I can’t see out of them it’s piled so high up the windowsills. I had a panic attack when I realised I’m snowed in so Lottie told Scotty to get the big ladder out of the shed and go and clear it off. He said ‘But she doesn’t go out,’ so I said ‘THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT.’ He’s doing it now. I’m sitting on my bed watching him and he’s swearing like fuck - the wind’s too strong for me to hear but so far I’ve managed to lipread FUCKING ‘ELL – SHIT – FOR FUCK’S SAKE – BASTARDING FREEZING SOMETHING SOMETHING WANKER. And he’s just said BOLLOCKS.

They all stayed here last night, Scotty, Lottie, and THE BERSERKERS. Scotty slept on the couch, Lottie and THE BERSERKERS slept in my bed and I slept in the spare room which was nice, I’ll have to do it again sometime, it was like going on holiday and waking up and not knowing where you are and realising oh, I’m on holiday, except I went oh, I’m in my spare room.

Last night was lovely. I didn’t have to do anything, I vegged on the couch with a plate of Cumberland sausages, a packet of Hobnobs, and continuous refills of nice cold Diet Coke. And THE BERSERKERS who I thought at first would start slapping me on my bandages or something, but they didn’t, were KIND TO ME. We watched a film (Cinderella? I don’t know, I must have dozed off) then when it was time for THE BERSERKERS to go to bed they told Lottie they wanted ME to take them up and tell them a story and, bless their little cotton socks, so Lottie wouldn’t hear, they didn’t tell me it was WINNIE-THE-SHITE they wanted till we were up in the room – they’ve got their heads screwed on the right way, those two. I thought they’d have forgotten WINNIE-THE-SHITE by now, I almost had but they put me right if I got a bit wrong.

When they were asleep I went back downstairs. Lottie and Scotty were in the kitchen, doing the washing up.

‘Did they get off all right?’ Lottie said.

‘Yep. Fine.’

‘What story did you tell them?’

‘One about a bear.’

‘Winnie-the-Shite?’

‘HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW?’

And she LAUGHED!!! Lottie!!!! And she threw some Fairy Liquid bubbles at me and then she threw some at Scotty and we ended up having the best laugh we’ve had together since we were little.

 

I’ll have to go, Scotty’s getting down off the ladder and he looks like a YETI. I’ll get him a towel, one of my new bathsheets from my collection in the airing cupboard. And I’ll make him a cup of tea for when I ask him to go back out and clear the gutters – he might as well do it now seeing as the ladder’s already out.

 

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45 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    I had a feeling the Berserkers would want more of the story — it was so much fun to start with! Maybe you should write a book about Winnie-the-Shite; Im sure there are other berserker kids who need to hear it.

    I am very happy you you and Lottie and Scotty. Sounds like Lottie is keeping him in shape. Hopefully the snow will ease off soon, but in the meanwhile, enjoy your cozy day! I’m off to the doctor’s here in about an hour [\– has to be done! Enjoy your night and tomorrow morning — I’ll be writing soon!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  2. i love the walton’s……….

    Reply
  3. but,…..cut him some slack on the gutters……..lol

    Reply
  4. clownonfire

     /  April 4, 2012

    Dotty,
    If you or Scotty need me as a SNOW EXPERT consultant, please let me know.
    We eat snow, wind and blizzards for breakfast. Then Lord Evil Poppy eats us.
    Le Clown who thinks you should write back

    Reply
    • Dear clown,
      I gave you 100 little presents for your 100 posts.
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. I ALWAYS write back to comments unless it’s a natural finishy comment. When have I not?

      Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    We have a wicked storm whipping up here, too. Loads of snow is threatened, which should probably throw a few motorists for a loop. I suddenly have the Toy Dolls song “Modern School of Motoring” bouncing happily through my head at the very thought.

    Much love, and stay warm.

    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
    • Dear veggiewitch,
      Hope you don’t get it too bad. Ours has melted a lot this afternoon – if Scotty had bothered to watch the weather forecast he could have waited to do the gutters. Stupid man.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Diet Coke is an American invention.
    Good night John-boy…

    Reply
    • Dear Audrey,

      Good night, Mary Ellen.

      Love Dotty

      Reply
      • I didn’t know if you would get that one… (It is American)…

      • Dear Audrey Mary,
        I know SOME American things – Diet Coke (obviously), Champion the Wonder Horse, McDonalds, Elvis, DIRTY NASTY SQUEEZY CHEESE (I saw it on someone’s blog), Dexter, lots of SERIAL KILLERS, lots of horrible food … I think that’s it. Oh and BIG LOUD VOICES.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Wait, you are calling our food horrible? That hurts. We invented the Twinkie…

      • Dear Mary Ellen Audrey,
        I saw Twinkies somewhere – can’t remember where but I know they looked vile.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • They last 20 years…
        But in honor of England’s contributions in the art of cuisine, I am going to start calling Dick Cheney ‘Spotted Dick’

      • Dear Ellen Mary Audrey,
        Aaww, I just looked at your post – he looks like a nice old man.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • He is a bridge-troll.

      • I hope you like my new post. You do know who Dick Cheney is, right? Your brother was no doubt given work because of him.

      • Dear Ellen Audrey,
        I’ve heard of him but I don’t know who he is.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Bush’s vice president… got us into the war on Iraq… wiretapping, torture, and those are his good points.

      • Dear Audrey Ellen Mary,
        Okey-doke.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • “Dexter, lots of SERIAL KILLERS,”

        Dotty, just to let you know, England has it’s fair share of Serial KIllers as well.
        :)

      • Dear psychowatcher,
        I know, but they weren’t KNOWN as “serial killers” until America coined the phrase. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  7. I love Dick Cheney!
    And I love that you sound happy and you have people taking care of you and I’m jealous that you have snow and I have to go Google was Tesla, Tecslo, Tessel, what was that thing again?

    xoxoxox

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    Days doesn’t get much better than this. Scotty at work, laughter, Cumberland, kind berserkers, blizzard, Hobnobs and what have we. So happy you had a great day Dotty.

    Reply
  9. kzackuslheureux

     /  April 5, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    You always such a delight!
    Love Alphabet

    Reply
  10. yeah I kind of pictured you like the Waltons. What the hell, I never even watched the Waltons. Wasn’t allowed to. Oh well.

    Reply
  11. I haven’t seen the Walton’s in ages! Not even the ones that own Walmart.

    Reply
  12. Funny how Winnie the pooh always made me smirk. Now I know why…
    I like this post. Perhaps you could become DHW (Dotty Headbanger Walton)?
    x

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,
    I’m having so much fun on your old posts.
    WHich are new to me.
    Lucky me, I’ve only known you for a bit.
    I feel bad for all the others.
    They don’t get all these new posts.
    That are actually old.
    Poor suckers.
    heeheeheeheeheee ;)
    Love, Lis
    xooxoxoxoxoox

    Reply
    • Dear Lisa,

      That’s why I don’t do reblogs of my own stuff, the followers I’ve had for ages would get bored and leave me here all on my own.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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