Dotty Day Out

 

Hello everybody. Sorry I couldn’t do a post yesterday, I was too knackered to write one. Why was I too knackered? Because I went OUT.

O-U-T spells OUT.

OUT is the opposite of IN.

That’s what I did, I went OUT.

For the second time this year. 

I’m a social butterfly with butterfly stitches. I bought butter. And I saw a fly, a big fucker that must have got IN the car when we were getting OUT of the car but luckily Lottie spotted it before we got back IN the car and she opened the door and the fly flew OUT.

And fuck-diddly-fuck, wouldn’t you just know it, 24 hour Tesco had Cumberland sausages on offer – buy one get one free – so I bought fucking loads and loads and got the same again for nothing.

It all happened IN a similar way to when I went OUT last time (see Dotty And Scotty Go Shopping) except this time Lottie came with us so I wasn’t left alone when Scotty did his recce of the aisles. And we went to 24 hour Tesco later than we did last time, yesterday we set off at 5.00 am which would have been impossible if I hadn’t dosed up on double beta-blockers, double anti-depressives, two vials of laudanum and a swig of Diet Coke to wash it all down. And THE BERSERKERS came too and they proved to be a great distraction for me and a great help when Lottie went off to the toilet – when a person happened to be IN the aisle I wanted to go down what they did is they walked up to the person who was looking at whatever they were looking at on the shelf, stood right up close to them, very still and very straight, and THE BERSERKERS looked up at them and kept looking up at them, and kept looking up at them, and kept looking up at them with their big wide starey little-girl eyes until the person got freaked out and ran away.

I’m loving THE BERSERKERS so much more than I ever thought I would.

So we got all the shopping and sent Scotty off to pay for it while Lottie and me and THE BERSERKERS had a wander round the non-food aisles. And that’s when I saw it – the perfect thing, the absolutely perfect thing that I have always wanted – the bench – THE BENCH that is made of solid dark wood and has little carvings of love hearts on the back, the bench that is BEAUTIFUL and LOVELY and COMFORTABLE with thick slats for your bum to sit nicely on, the bench that was advertised as a garden bench but I didn’t buy it for my garden, I bought it so I could screw my MEMORIAL PLAQUE onto it and put it on the HIGH SPOT ON THE MOORS that I used to love walking to, the spot that has a view to die for, the spot that I want my ashes scattered on when I am DEAD. So I bought it.

My MEMORIAL BENCH was too big to fit IN the car because of all the shopping and US even though the car is a big posh one, so Scotty took us and the shopping home and then he went back to collect my MEMORIAL BENCH. While he was gone Lottie put all the shopping away while I looked for my MEMORIAL PLAQUE which was where I thought it was, IN the top drawer of my desk. This is what my MEMORIAL PLAQUE says —

 

 This bench belongs to

DOTTY HEADBANGER

19?? – 20??

If you write on Dotty’s bench

she will haunt you

for the rest of your pitiful life.

 

When Scotty came back with my MEMORIAL BENCH he asked where I wanted him to put it. 

‘Put it? I’m not putting it anywhere, it’s going up to its SPOT ON THE MOORS. Now. When I’ve eaten my Cumberland sausage sandwich.’

He looked at Lottie and I could see by the way they looked at each other that they didn’t think I could go OUT twice IN the one day so I tried to reassure them – ‘It’s okay, I’ll take more medication’.

They looked at each other again. Lottie said, ‘Have you got something planned, Dotty?’

‘Yes, I’ve got it all planned – Scotty can screw my MEMORIAL PLAQUE onto my MEMORIAL BENCH then me and Scotty can go IN his car with my MEMORIAL BENCH and you and the girls can go IN yours.’

‘What else have you got planned?’

‘Oh. I didn’t think of anything else - should we take a picnic?’

‘I meant…’ she looked at Scotty again, ‘I meant have you got plans to… you know?’

‘What?’

Scotty looked at ME instead of at Lottie. ‘Fucking ‘ell, Dotty, are you going to top yourself?’

‘HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA – is that what you think? Well no I’m not, not today you divvy sods - I’ve just spent ninety quid on shopping. And a hundred and fifty on my bench.’

‘But memorial benches are for dead people. Their families buy them as a MEMORIAL and put them in a place their dead one loved. You’re not dead.’

I just laughed at them again and went for a wee before we set off. No I’m not dead – and that’s why I’ve been planning for years to buy my own MEMORIAL BENCH – why should a seat appear for me WHEN I CAN’T USE IT BECAUSE I’M DEAD? Why shouldn’t I have somewhere nice to sit when I’ve just slogged my way up a big fucking hill to look at the view? And ALSO – when everything’s back to normal and Scotty and Lottie and THE BERSERKERS have gone home and it’s just me and little Emily again, if I have my MEMORIAL BENCH to visit it might make me GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE THAT I CAN’T GET OUT OF.

So we took my MEMORIAL BENCH up to the HIGH SPOT ON THE MOORS and set it in place (Scotty brought my shovel with him and I made him stop off on the way to buy a bag of ready-mixed concrete). The wind wasn’t too bad for March and the ground wasn’t boggy either because it’s been freezing these last few days so me and THE BERSERKERS had a wild old time racing up the hill (they beat me, I ran like a lame old donkey because of my butterfly stitched places). I asked Lottie and Scotty to take THE BERSERKERS for a walk so I could be OUTSIDE on my own for a while. Lottie made sure I had my Nokia Hard Bastard with me to ring her if I needed to and off they went.

I can’t describe how I felt when they’d disappeared out of sight, it was too lovely for words, but the BIG SKY was beautiful, I sat on my bench for ages and ages looking for faces in the clouds. I saw King George III, Muhammed Ali, Van Gogh, Jimmy Krankie, Britney Spears and I think it was Julius Caesar or more likely it was Caligula.

It wasn’t as quiet as I thought it would be, but it was a BETTER sort of noisy, no FUCKING MACHINERY, just birds and breeze and the odd baa from a sheep. It was the closest to silence I’ll ever get until I’m dead and I want to go there again soon. I WILL go there again soon because now I’ve got my MEMORIAL BENCH up there to park my arse on for a rest.

When we got home I went upstairs to rewrite my will — what they have to do is get me a basket coffin (basket case when living, basket case when dead), carry me up to the HIGH SPOT ON THE MOORS, make a big bonfire, chuck me and my basket coffin INTO the fire, eat a few Cumberland sausages and sing a little song but I don’t know what song yet, it’s a toss up between I’ll Fly Away by Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch and Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf.

Perhaps I’ll make them sing both.

 

 

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118 Comments

  1. Dorothy

     /  April 6, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Wonderful! That is how I’d like things to end too. That’s a proper Viking burial you know…which is part of my heritage. I’m not sure of the sausages but plenty of drinking and dancing and thank God she’s gone and all that!! But, I love the mental picture of your memorial bench overlooking the moors….that must be as close to Heaven as you can get.
    And congratulations on getting out!! How exciting…you must be exhausted now. Too bad you don’t use a camera…I’d love to see the photos from there!
    Great news all around!!
    Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      I don’t like cameras, they’re the tools of Beelzebub but I might borrow one to take some pictures next time I go up there.

      Thank you, I did have a few after-shock panic attacks last night but I’m fine today. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    Congrats on GOING OUT! I am very happy for you. You did good :)

    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
  3. themonsterunderyourbed

     /  April 6, 2012

    Dearest Dirty,
    Can i sit on your bench or is it only for you?
    It sounds pretty :)
    When I die I don’t want to be burnt as I am petrified of fire. It would be very mean if I was burnt as I have spent my life avoiding being burnt so it would be horrible if i was set on fire. Knowing my family however, they would still burn me.
    Much Love,
    Monster
    X

    Reply
    • themonsterunderyourbed

       /  April 6, 2012

      Damn my stupid phone. I did not mean to call you ‘Dirty’. Dotty I am very sorry. Don’t hate me :(

      Reply
      • Dear mucky monster,
        Oh all right, I’ll accept your apology. But I dread to think who else you write to and what the subject is. ;-)
        Love Dotty xxx

    • Dear mucky monster,
      DIRTY? DIRTY? I get a wash every day, you cheeky sod. I’m not a TRAMP.
      I’m going to write to your family and tell them your last wish is to be thrown into BIG FUCK OFF FLAMES, bigger than the FLAMES OF HELL.
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. No, you can’t sit on my bench.

      Reply
      • Dear WordPress,
        Why do you fuck up the comments and replies?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • themonsterunderyourbed

         /  April 6, 2012

        Dear Dotty.
        Thank you for forgiving me I feel much better now.
        I’m still petrified about the flames though.

        Love
        Monster
        X
        P.s I am a very good girl, my phone just thinks otherwise
        P.p.s WordPress really needs to fix this comment arrangement

      • Dear mucky monster,

        You’re welcome.
        Don’t be afraid. You’ll be dead, you won’t know what’s happening.

        Love Dotty xxx

        P.S Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ll tell us anything.
        P.P.S. Yes it does.

  4. Dear Dotty,
    Congratulations on your memorial bench. I’m happy you had yet another wonderful day outside. How much does the berserkers charge on hourly basis?
    Would you mind telling your mother hello from me, and tell her last nights dinner service didn’t go down so well after all. She’s not to blame, I just thought I’d let her know since she was so kind sharing one of her Cumberland recipes with me.
    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Dear Anette,
      Thank you. I don’t know how much to charge, how much are you willing to pay?
      Don’t tell anyone else but it wasn’t really my mother who handed in the absence note, it was me, I forged it so it was my Cumberland sausage recipe. I’m sorry it went tits up – did you go against my advice and serve the piccalilli?
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        It wasn’t your mon? That’s okay Dotty, as long as you had fun :)
        I wont call the outcome of last night dinner party tits up… But I guess it all depends from which angle you look at them. Yes, we actually ended up eating Crix with Picalilly. It was awful really. We flushed with a bottles of Vodka. I slept hanging over the railing. The nicely curled-up Cumberland I’d bought, turned out to be wrongly labelled. It was one them fake ones, you know the fake Cumberland, the one with the green bits. Completely inedible. I used it as a fishing pole this morning… Would you believe my luck: I got my fire alarm on the hook!
        Tell you mom hello from me.
        P.S. Did they shoot the dog?

      • Dear Anette,
        GREEN BITS — YEEEUUUUUUURRRGGGHHHHHH!
        What’s Crix?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        Crix is a lil’ cracker leaving your mouth in a state of numbness. They suck so much, you’ll feel dry all the way down the gutter.. all the way down the drain. Slightly as if you’d left your tongue hanging out the window of a moving automobile for a day. Combined with Vodka clay will grow inside you, which may be used for childish ashtrays with bunny decorations. After a while, hairs will come out of your nose and ears. To cope through this terrifying state you’ll have to apply more Vodka.
        P.S. The Berserkers… £500 per hour. I expect they come as a package, the two of them right. What you think?

      • Dear Anette,
        I think I’ll NEVER buy Crix, I’d rather eat GROUT.
        Love Dotty xxx
        P.S. £750 per hour and you’ve got a deal. They work better as a team.

      • Dotty, indeed you know how to squeeze a lime. £750… this includes the telepathic stuff right?

      • Dear Anette,
        Yes, telepathy is included. One thing though, any breakages or damage or boat sinking are not MY responsibility, whatever they get up to is out of my hands if you hire them.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • May I call them on telepane or must all arrangements go through you? I figure you might appreciate less involvement. Please advice.

      • Dear Anette,
        As soon as I get the money, I’ll give you their contact details. How many hours were you thinking of hiring them for?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • One month.

      • Dear Anette,
        I can’t add up that many hours, I only have 20 digits. How much does it come to?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Let’s see… 30 days x 24 hours a day… = 720 hours.

      • Dear Anette,
        So that’s 40 million quid you owe me.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Let’s see 720 x 750 … yeah, not bad Dotty 40 million quid. But then service fees shipping and handling is included kay. So you like coins? No?

      • Dear Anette,
        Yes, coins are fine, thank you.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Now I’ll try telepaning a penny ……………. ……………… ………………………………….. ……… ………………. .. …………………………………………………………..arrr……. . ………………………………………………………………… . . …….. ………………………. . . .. …. .. .. . . . . .. . .. .
        Allright. Did you get it?

      • Dear Anette,
        No.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Anette,
        No, I think it went ‘Ding’ and then nothing happened.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Ding dang dong… doesn’t matter Dotty. How am I gonna transfer 400 million quid coins huh? Oh wait!….

      • Dear Anette,
        I have no idea, but if you want THE BERSERKERS you’ll have to pay up. 40,000 million quid, we said?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • SHIT! Dotty I’ll have to call Maersk…. 400,000,000 million quid is gonna cost a bit of moolah to get ‘cross the pond. He’s gonna smirk.

      • Dear Anette,
        How many containers will he need for 400,000,000,000,000,000,000 million quid?
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Called M, he said it’ll cost me 150,000 quid… So what have we: 400,000,000,000,000,000,000 million quid + 150.000 quid = 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000 million quid.
        Dotty I’ll have to call me mom.

      • Dear Anette,
        If your mum is anything like meine Mami, she’ll have the 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000 million quid in loose change collected in giant whiskey bottles and Disney piggy banks.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Gosh Dotty, meine Mami is just like deine Mami. Though she keeps her lil’ pocket change in miniature Snaps bottles. I like the smell. Anyhow, she borrowed me 150,000 quid to pay the transport and was kind to give me an extra 100,000,000 to buy ice cream. I will arrange transport with Mr. M tomorrow for the 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000 million quid.

      • Dear Anette,
        Do you think deine Mami would lend me 100,000,000,000,000 to buy Cumberland sausages? I’d ask meine Mami but I don’t know where she is. I’ll let you know when the 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,150,000 million quid arrives.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Called meine mami she said quote: “Allright then” she then transfered 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Cumberland money + 150,000 transport money. I called Mr. M too he was not happy ’bout it. He said he was in the middle of wabbit dinner… what’s going on? However he did tell me, you’ll receive 15,000 40′ containers on Monday, containing the 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,150,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,150,000 million quid (Cumberland money is included).

      • Dear Anette,
        Thank you. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx
        P.S. The 400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,150,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,150,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 150,000 million quid is in pound coins, isn’t it?

      • DOTTIIIEEEEE! You’re fucking kidding me Dotty RIGHT?

      • Dear Anette,
        No. I thought we’d agreed on coins. I’ll take £2 coins if I really must.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • £2?? How ’bout funny money? If I double up the amount would you take US$?

      • Dear Anette,
        No. The only currency I’ll entertain is our Queen’s precious coin.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Come on Dooooottyeeee, Scotty could go to the bank and exchange the funny money for you, oh no he’s on a mission right…

      • Dear Anette,
        He wouldn’t be able to smuggle that many coins anyway, he once got caught with 800 gold sovereigns and had to escape disguised as a Geisha girl.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Haa! Hilarious. We’ll work it out Dotty.

  5. Dear Dotty,

    What a day! You are braver than any soldier who goes off to a war, and I am busting with pride for you. AND you and the whole family seemed to get on okay, so that is a big bonus. Now, when I am not thinking of you on the couch, I can think of you on your memorial bench — I bet it feels good to have made a little mark on this big damned planet. Today is Celebrate Dotty Day — I’ll run to the market and see if the butcher knows about Cumberland sausage, so I can have a couple in your honor.

    I’m grinning from ear to ear, but I’m not sure how to do that smiley, so I’ll put my usual on, and you imagine the big big smile.

    Love you lots, my courageous friend,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      THANK YOU. 8-)

      I wanted to go out again today but Scotty’s been called away somewhere by someone (I think it’s MI5 again, I heard him say their code word). I’m keeping my fingers crossed he comes back, sometimes he answers a call from them and poof, he’s gone and that’s it, I don’t see him for months and months.

      Cumberland sausages!! YAY! I hope your butcher knows how to make them because YOU’LL LOVE THEM.

      Lots of love, Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Oops — I left out the smiley! Sorry! 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) Love you, kid — Judith

    Reply
  7. Ah, the windswept moors and the boggy, boggy fens!
    The swampy, nasty fens and the fucking desolate moors!
    No trees to hang yourself nor water enough to drown yourself.
    Still, what would English literature be without the occasional moor and fen to wander on, as lonely as a cloud?

    Reply
  8. Dotty,
    You bring tears to my eyes. You should write a book, you are so talented. I like the idea of a living memorial bench and you have moors?? Moors! How very Wuthering Heights and Secret Gardenish of you! When I grow up I want to move to a charming village in England and solve mysteries.

    xoxo maggie

    Reply
    • Dear Maggie,
      Thank you. Have you read little Emily’s book? She’ll LOVE you if you have (and if you say nice things about it).
      If you do ever move to England don’t move anywhere that isn’t Yorkshire or you’ll regret it – the rest of the country is full of nutters.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I haven’t! Where is it, I can’t find it on your website which is strange because you haven’t got many lists of things to read on there.

      • Dear Maggie,
        Oh, I thought you’d read little Emily’s book because you mentioned it in your comment. I did a review of it if you want to see that instead, it’s in Dotty Book Reviews which you’ll find by clicking on the nice shoe in the sidebar.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Are you referring to Emily Bronte or your Emily? Don’t you have a dead friend named Emily?

      • Dear Maggie,
        :-) They’re the same person. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • No shit! I’m a new reader so I’m just catching on to these things. Ahhhh…. okay.

        Well then yes I’ve read Emily’s book! Not a huge fan but I do love the word “moors” and the song Wuthering Heights by Pat Benatar.

        Der.

      • Dear Maggie,

        WHO IS PAT BENATAR?
        And why is this person singing KATE BUSH’S song? Or is it a different song?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Oh Dude!! You are a baby, how old are you???

        Pat Benatar! American Rocker Chick extraordinaire.

        Kate Bush is singing Pat’s song that came out in 1980

    • Dear Maggie,

      I’m really sorry, I had to take the video out of your comment, they’re too big for my blog and they mess up the whole arrangement.

      Kate Bush wrote the song and released it in 1978 so it’s KATE’S song, not that old Benatar bint’s.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Oh that’s fine. I don’t care about the link. I’m pissed that I was wrong. I hate being wrong and I love Pat Benatar. Dang it. Dotty 1, Maggie 0

        I hate that.
        :)

      • Dear Maggie,

        And I love it.

        No one beats Dotty. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  9. Grumpy

     /  April 6, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    ‘the rest of the country is full of nutters’ ?! Cheeky sod!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  10. kzackuslheureux

     /  April 6, 2012

    Dearest Dotty,
    They could sing “Gone, Gone, Gone” by Alisson.
    ~ Love Alphabet

    Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,

    I am not sure which I like better, your post (which made me feel sentimental and proud), or the comments (which made me feel hilarious).

    DUH: obviously, your post. From the tumble-dryer to a moorish hilltop: dynamic! Shiny! Nicely done.

    (But those comments: hahahahahhahahahahahahhahah!)

    Love,
    Owl

    PS: Hovering at 10,200 words. Yay! But I still have a really lot of hard stuff to say. Boo.

    Reply
    • Dear owl,

      Thank you. I love Chancedagger’s poem. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Good going on the words! It was 6,000 last time – you’re whizzing through it, you’ll have it done in no time. :-)

      Reply
  12. See, kids can come in handy. And good triple-use of the word butter.
    And now you don’t have to go outside for years, maybe till you die and we burn you up.

    Reply
  13. clownonfire

     /  April 7, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    That’s great. That’s really great.
    When will you be making it to Canada?
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,
      Next week. I’m staying at your house.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • clownonfire

         /  April 7, 2012

        Dotty,
        We’re honoured. We’ll have the kids sleep outside of the igloo in the polar bear house.
        Le Clown

      • Dear clown,
        But I’m only coming to see Sara and the kids. Do YOU have to be there?
        Love Dotty xxx

  14. Hey there. I’m gonna post these in separate posts so as not to fill the whole page with one comment. I hope you like them, we worked -really- hard on them. :)

    KC

    For Dotty

    A memorial bench sits lonely and cold,
    Up on the moor so high.
    Wuthering winds blow the heather,
    “where are you?” they seem to sigh.
    Down in her safe little warren,
    The rabbit retreats from the world,
    Her ears pricked for any intrusion,
    Her soft fur exquisitely curled.

    Reply
  15. a poem by mia for missus dotty

    potty missus dotty,
    her sisters name is lottie,
    mister ian is a hottie
    and mister clowns blog is shoddie
    shoddy? whatever, it means a mess.

    ps KS gave me the last word so its her fault if its silly :p
    love, mia

    Reply
  16. Hai! Kitsune-na-shiteki here, Headbanger-sama!
    Please allow this unworthy one to make a vain attempt to
    capture your magnifence in the sadly limited medium that is poetry.

    Wind over the moor
    In the distance, howling
    Wait, is that Meatloaf?
    No, Cumberland sausages!
    It must be Miss Dotty’s house!

    Domo, Headbanger-sama! ;)

    Reply
  17. My Life in the Dark
    By Janey, aged 15

    Clouds cover my view,
    And darkness reigns my miserable life.
    I am one with the night and the silence and the grave.
    A distant spark beckons me…it is your smile.

    Reply
  18. Bob. A poem.
    Roses are dead,
    Drowners are blue,
    You’re out of your head,
    But we still like you.

    Reply
  19. Dutch

    Sappho 31
    (Translation by Gregory Nagy)

    He appears to me, that one, equal to the gods,
    the man who, facing you,
    is seated and, up close, that sweet voice of yours
    he listens to

    And how you laugh your charming laugh. Why it
    makes my heart flutter within my breast,
    because the moment I look at you, right then, for me,
    to make any sound at all won’t work any more.

    My tongue has a breakdown and a delicate
    — all of a sudden — fire rushes under my skin.
    With my eyes I see not a thing, and there is a roar
    that my ears make.

    Sweat pours down me and a trembling
    seizes all of me; paler than grass
    am I, and a little short of death
    do I appear to me.

    Reply
    • Dear KC,

      Okay, okay, okay. How can I refuse, these are WONDERFUL. You can be an American Poet Laureate too – you and Dags can job share but you’ll have to sort out your working hours between you, I can’t be bothered with trivialities. Just make sure one of you is to hand if I need a fresh poem read to me.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  20. i too wished for a bench upon which to sit up one of those big fucking hills, but was a little strapped for cash at the time so took to murdering people who seemed like they had an ‘i’ve got a relative who would buy a memorial bench for me’ look in their eye……technically i was spot on, however none have been placed on my hill – i still make use of the others – even the one facing the salt works – for i see them as partly mine – eighth time’s a charm……..

    Reply
    • Dear Sacha,

      Hello. :-)

      Try targeting dog walkers, they’ll be local people who might have more relatives in the area.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • hello miss headbanger :-)

        way ahead of you; that was my first thought…..however they all seemed to have places they preferred more…..i’m considering going for the dogs instead…..i fear i may be developing a compulsion; i do hope the bench is worth it

      • Dear sacha,

        Well I don’t know that it is worth it to be quite honest – surely the effort of murdering someone after a long trek up a big hill just on the off-chance of getting a bench out of it is a bit silly really. What about taking a shooting stick with you? They have a little seat built in and you can use it to hit sheep away if they come close.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • you of course speak utter utter sense, although, apart from the desire to do some post-trek sprawling, which on a shooting stick one simply cannot do, i’ve built up quite a collection of last words, such as, ‘yes i do have the time, but why you wish me to lay upon this alter in order to give it to you is quite beyond m-’ and i don’t particularly mind sheep

      • Dear sacha,

        You could save up and buy your own – or ask people to club together and get you one for Christmas and your birthday combined. Then you can spend a day in the bench shop, sitting and sprawling and having the odd little sleep in order to test their size and comfort.

        Love Dotty xxx

        P.S. pmao, where are you, my friend – I need you to come to my rescue, I’m doing it again, this odd helpfulness thing. I’m BEING NICE!

      • ’tis a lovely thought, though i worry about your need for rescue; if it helps, i will completely ignore all your recommendations and continue to fell fell walkers

        and pmao should be quietly ensconced right about now writing titus andronifoxinsocksicus, or some such thing

      • Dear sacha,

        Yes, ignore me. Just continue to fell the fell walkers, murder the moor moochers, hack at the hill climbers. You’ll be doing me a favour – when I DO manage to get out there’ll be fewer of them to frighten me.

        Love Dotty xxx

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