I was on the telly last night for half an hour.
I wanted to know what it felt like to be my telly - sitting there in the corner for the whole of its life, unable to move, people staring at it for hours and hours on end and then it conks out and dies – I felt sorry for it, it must be a sad old life. And I wanted to see what my telly sees from where it’s sitting and I’ll tell you something, it’s given me a whole different view of my living room - it looks nice from up there, I saw my collections from different angles, I saw my bookcases from different angles, I saw my couch and chairs from different angles and I noticed what a good job Lottie and Scotty did when they cleaned everywhere – I actually saw THE CARPET.
I had a bit of trouble getting up because of all my butterfly-stitched fork-stabs that are scabbing over nicely, thank you for asking (some of them pulled a bit and came open when the scab ripped off but I washed all the blood off when I got down). My telly is old and fat with a massive back, not one of those slim things that I don’t understand why they made in the first place because where do all the LITTLE TELLY PEOPLE live now? Is this how the telly companies have got rid of some of my favourite programmes, they’ve had a PROGRAMME POGROM and driven away all the LITTLE TELLY PEOPLE like others did in THE HIGHLAND CLEARANCES and THE JEWISH PEOPLE CLEARANCES and all the other ethnic clearances that have taken place. EXCEPT NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE LITTLE TELLY PEOPLE CLEARANCES. Why? WHY NOT? It’s not fair. Just because they’re LITTLE doesn’t mean they don’t have the same rights as everyone else. Just because they live inside our tellys doesn’t mean they’re not entitled to stay in their homes, to live their lives the way they want to with SPACE ENOUGH TO LIVE COMFORTABLY. All these horrible things go on in the world and no one says DICKY-FUCKING-BOO about them.
It made me cry last night when I was on my telly thinking about how they must be living now, so I got down and went to find my BIG FUCK-OFF SCREWDRIVER which was in my cutlery drawer so I got a fork as well and I used them both to prise the back off my telly to see if I could help the LITTLE TELLY PEOPLE but do you know what? THEY WEREN’T ANYWHERE TO BE SEEN. They’ve FUCKING DISAPPEARED and I know WHY they’ve disappeared, they’re so frightened, so HARASSED and PLAGUED and TORMENTED by their CRUEL PERSECUTORS – and that means YOU, YES YOU WITH THE FUCKING SLIMLINE TELLY – that they’ve run away from my telly, their SANCTUARY, probably the ONLY SAFE PLACE FOR THEM IN BRITAIN.
I’m too upset to write any more. It’s heartbreaking.
I need my laudanum.
And a Cumberland sausage sandwich.
And a lie down.
FUCKING PERSECUTORS.
Grumpy
/ April 9, 2012Dear Dotty,
My telly is a great big deep old fucker, and still working. Maybe your little telly people have migrated to mine. I’m too frit to look!
Grumpy x
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear Grumpy,
Oh, please have a look. Use a big fuck-off screwdriver but be careful you don’t impale any little telly people on it.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ April 9, 2012Dear Dotty,
You are a kind and sensitive soul. Not everyone cares for the poor little telly people. They do so much for us and ask so little. I hope yours are okay.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
I hope they’re okay too, I don’t know where they are. How are yours?
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ April 9, 2012They’re tuckered out, the poor little things. So I’m keeping the television off for a while so they can rest. It seems only fair.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
That’s good, they deserve a rest. I hope mine aren’t cold and hungry, I’d hate to think of poor Mr Lecter not having anything to eat.
Love Dotty xxx
free penny press
/ April 9, 2012I stopped watching my telly over 2 years ago and now I know why.. not the bad and boring programming, no, it’s in protest for the Little Telly People..
If you find them, please let me know because I feel like I am in this protest alone..
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear ffp,
Did you print loads of leaflets to highlight their plight? If not, you could do that now.
Love Dotty xxx
ljstetina
/ April 9, 2012I look forward to your post…everytime I read one…cussing is the national language of your magical world and you share your imagination with the readers and blow my fucking mind with creativity. Absolutely love it. Thanks Dotty… love lj
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear LJ,
You’re very kind, thank you.
What about your Little Telly People? Do you make them live in a slimline telly?
Love Dotty xxx
ljstetina
/ April 9, 2012I’m too poor for a slimline telly…I have Little Telly People living all over my house. All in large luxury Tellys with plenty of room.
Love from lj
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear LJ,
Excellent – I love people who do the right thing. I love you and I love your big tellys. And so will the Little Telly People
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 9, 2012I can prove the telly people existed once, back in the fat TV days…
Telly Savales, that bald guy who played Kojack…
Proof positive, I would say.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear pmao,
They still exist, I just don’t know where mine have gone.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 9, 2012Many of them are hiding in radios doing voice over work.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear pmao,
But no one listens to radio now.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 9, 2012I didn’t say they were well off.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear pmao,
That’s why we need to fight for them. I might set up another Donate thing for people to donate loads of money to.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 9, 2012Good luck with that…
John the Aussie
/ April 10, 2012G’day Dotty and PMAO,
I got three big fuck offs, one of the first slims that’s still big enough to fit the skinny and children little people.
With a radio in the bedroom, lounge and big fuck off stereo and speakers in the shed.
The little people down under are quite well off, especially with the Aussie dollar on its high.
Cheers,
John.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 10, 2012Dear John,
YAY! And I thought everyone in the world but ME had slimline tellys. It still begs the question who buys them all if no one OWNS one – maybe it’s just us poor, poverty stricken bloggers who don’t have them.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 9, 2012Dear Dotty,
You do make me smile. If I wasn’t looney already I’d say you make me smile like a loon.
Love Smiley Hello Sailor
P.S I still have a big fuck off telly, hope your telly people are back soon.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 9, 2012Dear HS,
Something strange is going on here – all the British people (you, me and Grumpy) have big fuck-off tellys and seeing as we’re the only British people commenting on this post, 100% of British people have big fuck-off tellys – so WHO BUYS ALL THE SLIMLINE TELLYS?
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 10, 2012I got one among many, but its to foster for the now homeless extra little peeps while the adults search for new horizons.
Having 3 BFG Tvs and not passing them on when i upgraded the main screen. I still have the same little people I did when i bought my first tv 15 years ago, and my first radio 20 years ago.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 10, 2012Dear John,
You’ll have to be the Little Telly People’s Aussie representative then.
Love Dotty xxx
Southern Sea Muse
/ April 10, 2012Reminds me of my prying open my father’s radio as a child, to find the talking guy I thought was named “Jack,” since his name was near a tiny hole I could not see into. My brothers told me to feed him, so I jammed food into his “mouth” and got in big trouble from Daddy…
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 10, 2012Dear SSM,
What happened to Jack?
Love Dotty xxx
Southern Sea Muse
/ April 11, 2012He’s atop my kitchen cabinets now, Daddy’s old radio and the hole that bears Jack’s name. I don’t believe he ever was able to get all the food out of that hole. Probably petrified now. Jack needs some new batteries. I know he’s in there, I just know it!!! I ought to go back to feeding him…
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 11, 2012Dear SSM,
FEED HIM, FEED HIM - or I’ll have to report you to the NSPCLTP for cruelty and neglect.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ April 10, 2012Dotty,
When Coronation Street plays around here, I often wish the Telly People would just disappear and die of a very painful death.
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 10, 2012Dear Div,
We don’t have any Canadian telly programmes. I wonder why – oh, because they’ll be SHITE.
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ April 10, 2012Dear Dotty,
I still have a big TV too, so maybe the American telly people are in mine….probably hiding from the demented mayhem that goes on in my house every day. Unless that’s the little people my Dad sees all the time….lol.
Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 10, 2012Dear Dorothy,
I still want to know who buys all the slimline tellys. No one’s admitting to having one as their main telly, but I suppose they wouldn’t, would they, for fear of exposing themselves to prosecution for crimes against humanity (or tellyanity). Come on, cowards, own up.
Love Dotty xxx.