Dotty Hermit Tip – How To Lie On The Floor Safely

 

Hello, fellow She-Hermits and Hermits. Today we’re going to talk about safety procedures for when you LIE ON THE FLOOR. I wonder if you’ve ever considered the DANGERS associated with lying on the floor, DANGERS that can MAIM or even KILL you, DANGERS that no one else will bother to tell you about because no one else gives two flying fucks about your lying on the floor habits. Well don’t worry, I’m here to help you and I’m writing this especially for YOU because I’m nice and kind like that.

So let’s get started.

 

POSITIONING – DANGERS OF THE FOETAL POSITION

Most floor-lying hermits prefer to lie in the FOETAL POSITION and most floor-lying hermits return again and again to THE SAME SPOT on the floor to lie in the FOETAL POSITION. We’ll discuss lying in THE SAME SPOT later - right now I’m concerned about THE HARM YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR SPINE.

SPINAL INJURY or BEING CRIPPLED FOR LIFE is a real and prevalent DANGER for hermits who choose to lie in the FOETAL POSITION for long periods of time. Your spine is supposed to be a STRAIGHT THING, evolution made the adult human spine straight in order to keep you UPRIGHT AND READY TO RUN AWAY - so how are you going to RUN AWAY if you can’t walk? YOU’RE NOT, you’ll be EATEN by lions or tigers or wolves or bears or hyenas or mad dogs or feral children or whatever else gets a sniff of you lying there, on the floor, in the FOETAL POSITION.

If you’re lucky and manage to escape being EATEN, the next time you lie on the floor in the FOETAL POSITION might be the last time you have a STRAIGHT BACK. The spine isn’t made of steel, it’s made of bone, and contrary to what most people believe about bone being hard and unbendable, BONE IS VERY BENDY and if you persist and persist in bending it into the FOETAL POSITION it will stay there and you’ll develop a pronounced HUMF and being a PEOPLE PHOBIC HERMIT is bad enough without being a PEOPLE PHOBIC HERMIT with a HUMFY-BACK.

Not only can the FOETAL POSITION give you a big HUMF, it can also lead to PARALYSIS OF EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY caused by SEVERED NERVES, so BEWARE and BE AWARE of any NUMBNESS or LOSS OF SENSATION because what might be happening is you are SEVERING YOUR NERVES and BECOMING PARALYSED but you won’t know this is happening until you want to get up to go for a wee or get a drink and you find you CAN’T GET UP BECAUSE YOU HAVE PARALYSED YOURSELF by lying on the floor in the FOETAL POSITION. If your legs are the limbs that become paralysed you should be okay because you’ll be able to use your arms to drag yourself across the floor to the phone, but if your arms are the limbs that become paralysed I’m afraid YOU’RE FUCKED because you won’t be able to drag yourself to the phone and even if you somehow managed to, how would you pick up the phone to ring for help?

Other DANGERS of lying on the floor in the FOETAL POSITION include -

BALD PATCHES  – if no air or light can get to one side of your head because it’s flat on the carpet then you shouldn’t worry about illness or disease when your hair starts to come out in clumps, your baldness is caused by lying on the floor in the FOETAL POSITION.

CARPET BURN – caused by getting down onto the floor or getting up off the floor too quickly. Also caused by writhing around on the floor in the throes of despair. Be careful not to get carpet burn on your knees or people will think things.

DELUSIONS OF DEATH which occur when you’ve been there for so long that when you try to move you don’t know if the stiffness of your body is due to JUST STIFFNESS or if you’re stiff like a plank because RIGOR MORTIS HAS SET IN and this results in you having to deal with DIBBLE and AMBULANCE and SORE JAGS IN THE ARSE when you ring them up to tell them you are DEAD.

 

OTHER DANGERS OF LYING ON THE FLOOR

SPIDERS. BIG HAIRY MEATY SPIDERS and other creepy crawlies. Included in the list of creepy crawlies (I’m not making a list, I can’t be arsed) are the microscopic creepy crawlies that live in your carpet. Fuck knows WHAT they are but it’s guaranteed they carry all types of dirty diseases and THEY WILL WALK ON YOUR FACE AND ENTER THE INSIDE OF YOUR BODY THROUGH YOUR ORIFICES.

DEHYDRATION – keep a bottle of water next to you

STARVATION – if you’ve got your bottle of water you’ll be okay because you can go without food longer than you can without water.

NEEDING A WEE – this one’s easy - GET UP AND GO FOR A WEE, STUPID. You’re not a fucking baby.

BECOMING USED TO ONE PARTICULAR SPOT ON THE FLOOR – we’re going to deal with this next -

 

 

BECOMING USED TO ONE PARTICULAR SPOT ON THE FLOOR

As stated above, most hermits return again and again to the same spot on the floor. This is just a bad habit that can take some time and effort to break but it’s worth it in the end, the benefits you’ll reap will ASTOUND you.

Whether it’s facing your sofa, the underneath of your coffee table, your bookcases, your sideboard or just a blank wall, EVERY hermit has a favourite spot on the floor they like to lie on. But did you know that CHANGING THE SPOT ON THE FLOOR THAT YOU LIE ON can be so beneficial and good for you that it can CURE YOU OF LYING ON THE FLOOR?

Yes, it can. Don’t believe me? Read on -

 

Hermits who lie on the floor do so for one of two reasons —

1  they are in the throes of despair

2  they are too apathetic to do anything else

 

It doesn’t matter WHY you’re still lying on the floor after I’ve taken the time and trouble to spell out all the DANGERS, the fact that you’re still there at all tells me you really, really need TO CHANGE YOUR SPOT.

Before we go any further I know many of you will only have THE ONE SPOT to lie in because your collections have sprawled all over the place or because you’re just a clatty tramp and you don’t clean your house. TIDYING UP will provide NEW SPOTS FOR LYING ON THE FLOOR so get on with it, do it NOW, this minute before you think about it, don’t read another word, go and MAKE SOME NEW SPACES.

Done? Okay.

Whether you’re apathetic or despairing, a NEW SPOT ON THE FLOOR will change your life. You won’t like it to begin with, no one likes CHANGE, but persevere and the benefits will soon become apparent.

Lying on the floor in a NEW SPOT will instantly give you a NEW VIEW and a NEW VIEW is the best thing you can have because it provides a DISTRACTION from the apathy or despair that put you on the floor in the first place. Who can remain in a state of OVERWHELMING APATHY when confronted with a 4 inch CLUMP OF DUST AND WEB under the sideboard that you’ve never noticed before? Who can remain in a state of ALL-CONSUMING DESPAIR whilst staring at the natural beauty of the wooden chair leg? A NEW SPOT will provide MOTIVATION and MENTAL STIMULATION and we’re on the road to BEING CURED.

After a few practices, each time in a NEW SPOT, if you STILL haven’t stopped lying on the floor in the FOETAL POSITION, try lying on the floor FLAT ON YOUR BACK. No hermit does this naturally or without distress because lying on the floor FLAT ON YOUR BACK makes you feel too EXPOSED and one benefit of lying in the FOETAL POSITION is you can’t see what’s coming for you, whether it’s a BIG HAIRY MEATY SPIDER or a BEAR. Also, lying on the floor FLAT ON YOUR BACK and LOOKING UP AT THE CEILING makes your room look MASSIVE LIKE THE WORLD and then you feel even more insignificant than you do already.

But for your own bodily safety, lying on the floor FLAT ON YOUR BACK is the best position to be in if you still insist on lying on the floor because it’s good for your back, it’s good for your posture, and it doesn’t cause HUMFS or PARALYSIS or DEATH BY RIGOR MORTIS.

 

 

I apologise for all the BIG SHOUTY WORDS I’ve used but hermits, you have to listen to me, if you won’t stop lying on the floor at least take PROPER PRECAUTIONS.

I hope these hermit tips help you.

Be safe, my hermits. Be well.

 

Leave a comment

46 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    Thank you for the informative post. I will make sure to take the proper precautions from now on. :)
    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
  2. free penny press

     /  April 10, 2012

    No more fetal position when lying on the floor..Got it..
    Straight spines-Got it..
    How about a sort of fetal position for those times when we simply must hug those knees?

    Reply
  3. Grumpy

     /  April 10, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Is ‘humf’ a word imported from Smurfland?

    Reply
  4. Dearest Dotty,
    Ever so thoughtful of you.
    Best,
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
  5. Now, if I roll, while lying on the floor, how about that? Would that not even out the hair loss and other ills associated with lying in one position, of ANY kind? Unless I roll under your sideboard and become enmeshed in the webs…while foetal (why do Brits spell funny?)…I’m frightened, now,Hold me.

    Reply
    • Dear Gobby,
      No, because rolling is almost thrashing and thrashing leads to your hair getting caught in the sticky bits on your carpet and getting yanked out. Also you’d get carpet burns all over you.
      Love Dotty xxx
      P.S. I know, I know, I know – BUT – I haven’t opened THE DREADED THING yet. Soon.

      Reply
  6. clownonfire

     /  April 10, 2012

    Dotty,
    Let me see you try all of this on the floor of an igloo.
    Le Clown

    Reply
  7. You forgot rattlesnakes…

    Reply
  8. kzackuslheureux

     /  April 10, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    My husband likes to check out tables to see if one could take a nice nap under them.
    I’ll try to make sure he follows your adivice from here on out.
    Love, Alphabet

    Reply
  9. I suggest keeping all your floors covered with mattresses and pillows to make time spent there less woody or carpety….

    Reply
    • Dear cooper,
      On the surface this seems to be good advice but it isn’t really because then the floors would be beds and not floors so what was the point in me spending this morning writing the post? I could have just said, ‘GO TO BED’.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • but for those that do not have the wherewithall to make it to the bedroom…just trying a little proactive planning….

      • Dear cooper,
        Thank you, it was very nice of you to try and think of something to help – but your idea was rubbish, come up with a better one next time. ;-)
        Love Dotty xxx

  10. Dear Dotty,

    Yes, to all of the above. I would also be interested in your thoughts on how narcolepsy affects floor-lying. For me it tends to mean that I am lying on my face, and the dangers therein (besides bruising from falls) are a cricked neck, and sometimes suffocation, if I am lying on a shaggy rug. I have found that a nice loose-knit (for breathability) blanket pulled up over my head all the way helps promote lying on my back, but sometimes the narcolepsy gets me before I can make it to the blanket.

    Love,
    Owl

    Reply
    • Dear owl,
      My first thoughts were of a permanent protective head mask made of thick memory foam with holes cut out so you could see, smell and eat, but that would be impractical and hot and it would look stupid. But what about a spongey knee contraption to lessen the impact of the drop, strapped to the shins with velcro? Or a new brain surgery technique to connect the standing up bit of the brain to the eyelids – the second the eyelids snap shut the new brain surgery kicks in and hey presto, you’re still standing (oy, brain surgeons who read my blog, don’t nick my idea).
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Dorothy

     /  April 10, 2012

    Very factual…when I was a she-hermit I don’t remember lying on the floor but being depressed I always did and yes, in the same spots. Spiders never bother me and I like them anyway. Dehydration is always my enemy, starvation aint gonna happen….but having a big, hairy dog nose stuck in my face was a big possibilty. Great post….so true!!

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      Thank you, you’ve given me something to think about – I just took it as given that ALL She-Hermits and Hermits are depressed otherwise why would they have Hermititis in the first place, but I’ve been leaving out people who don’t have Hermititis but are depressed which isn’t fair of me. I’ll sort it. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,
    That was amazing advice, but I like to lay on the floor under my bed. What is your advice on this?? I think it may protect me more from bears, but I’m concerned that more spiders are encountered under the bed.
    Love Hello Sailor xx

    Reply
    • Dear HS,
      It depends how much crap you keep under your bed and how often you stick the hoover under it. Try to get into the habit of hoovering BEFORE you go under because THERE WILL BE MANY SPIDERS and they’ll be even BIGGER and MEATIER than the big, meaty spiders you are able to see.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        Hmm I have quite a few collections under my bed, so it doesn’t get hoovered often. I am not a very clean hermit. Maybe I can make friends with the spiders and the dust bunnies.
        Love HS xx

      • Dear HS,
        You can have mine too if you become good friends with them and want some more. :-)
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        Oooo I could train them to be my minions and then get them to hoover under my bed.
        Love HS xx

      • Dear HS,

        You’ll have to call round once a week to collect them because I can’t go out.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        Do you think it’s mean to make them walk to my house? Or make them get public transport?
        Love HS xx

      • Dear HS,

        They don’t know where the bus stop is.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I hate getting the bus. They’re dirty. Therefore it would make the spiders dirty and underneath my bed more dirty.
        Love HS xx

      • Dear HS,

        Send a taxi for them – the fare shouldn’t be much, we’re only a little country, not like that America or that Canadia.

        Love Dotty xxx

  13. Dear Dotty,
    I’m the temp for Annette while she’s locked up. She told me to visit your blog several times every day not to miss out. Since I’m new to blogging and I has honestly been a long day now, excuse me for checking in late.
    Concerning the carpet burn – I guess this is why I prefer to do my throes of despair in the bath tub. Annette told me to give you plenty greetings.
    Alma Muffler

    Reply
    • Dear Alma,
      Nice to meet you, a new face is always welcome.
      When does she get out and what did she do to get locked up?
      Can you pinch her boat and sail it up to England, give it to me but then sail me back to the nice place (I don’t know how to sail and I’m scared of BIG WATER).
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  14. Thank you Dotty, for these helpful hints. I’ve also found it helpful to have my entire floor done in quilting. Much more comfortable, and when you move to a new spot on the floor, it’s still cushy. And the stitching is enchanting to stare at.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  15. Lying on the floor is very dangerous, I never do it without a qualified Lying On the FLoor Buddy.

    Reply
  16. Dear Dotty,
    Feral children are the WORST. I speak from experience. Feral French-Canadians are a close second.
    Avec beaucoup d’amour,
    Sara

    Reply
    • Dear Sara,

      I know, I’d rather be attacked anything else than children, they have no self control. At least when a bear takes a bite he stops to chew for a minute or two, giving you time to get away – children just keep on biting.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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