Have you ever seen a pen so beautiful you just have to have it? I have a penchant for pens. Before I caught Hermititis and People Phobia what would happen is I’d spot a pen and fall in love with it and from the moment I set eyes on it I would be filled with NEED. I really and truly NEEDED those pens, each and every one of them, and if I didn’t get them, if I didn’t HAVE and POSSESS them, I would have DIED. But there were loads of tricky times when the pens I NEEDED belonged to someone else. Actually, every pen I NEEDED was in the possession of someone else and strangely I never NEEDED the pens I saw in the shops, those I could pay for and just OWN, they didn’t interest me.
My collection of pens is huge and vast and if you stood at the coast and lined up all my pens from top to nib they’d be longer than the longest peninsula. I’m not so keen on pencils, they don’t have the same penetratingly gorgeous LURE of pens and the lead always snaps when you press too hard and I can never find a pencil sharpener when I need one. And those fancy, posh pencils you click like a pen and the thin bit of lead comes down – they’re nothing but SHITE, I don’t like them, they’re the stupidest, most wasteful pencils in the world, click too many times and SNAP, don’t click enough times and WHERE THE FUCK IS IT, click some more to make it appear and SNAP — SNAP SNAP SNAP — they should be banned, I bet they cause more distress than any other writing implement except maybe crayons.
I also love bookmarks and other pocketable items of stationery, but pens will always be my favourite. PENS, PENS, PENS, PENS, PENS - blue pens, black pens, red pens, glittery pens, fountain pens, dip pens, ballpoint pens, quill pens, reed pens, rollerball pens, felt-tip pens, marker pens – I love pens.
I LOVE PENS.
I FUCKING LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE MY BABIES.
And I think I’m in trouble again because of my love for pens. I’ve been falsely accused of STEALING A PEN, one of Papa Brontë’s pens, a beautiful, pure white swan feather pen that was just LYING THERE ON THE MANTLEPIECE, all alone and neglected and there was a speck of SOOT on it that I carefully blew off so it wouldn’t MARK and MAR the beautiful, pure white swan feather pen, and I MOVED the beautiful, pure white swan feather pen away from the sooty, dirty mantlepiece to another place that wasn’t sooty or dirty and that place just happened to be MY SUITCASE and now Branwell has been here accusing me of THIEVING the beautiful, pure white swan feather pen and because of his fucking CHEEK I’m not giving it back.
So fuck off, Branwell, you pox-ridden WHELP.
You can stick your accusations up your pure white swan-feathered ARSE.
the howler and me
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
In truth, you liberated it.
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear the howler and me,
Yes, I did, didn’t I?
They’re still not getting it back.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ April 15, 2012THAM,
I now understand your true loyalty. But I guess, if there was one to have that wouldn’t be for Le Clown, I’d opt for Dotty Headbanger myself.
Le Clown
Le garlicky P.S. –
Did you see me posing in my stupid HAT – what a TWAT I looked. 
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Arsewipe Oink Oink Pink-Faced Fucker,
Piss off.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ April 15, 2012Le Clown,
Sounds like you are a bit jealous?
-the howler and me
Dear Dotty,
Good hacking job
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear the howler and me,
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ April 16, 2012THAM,
Nah. Just admiration for Dotty.
Le Clown
maggiemyklebust
/ April 15, 2012Finder’s keepers…
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Maggie,
…accusers weepers.
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 15, 2012G’day Dotty,
I have the same problem with gas lighters (I think the world calls them lighters…) but it has to be a no named brand. If it’s a personal one, no interest at all. But a cheap and nasty fucker goes right into my pocket automatically without thinking whilst distracting the original owner with conversation/
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear John,
My dead husband ex-Simon did that!! He had a drawerful of them, those coloured ones (red, orange, blue, yellow, purple) that you used to buy in packs of ten from the Poundshop but you can’t get packs of ten any more, they only do packs of SIX, the robbing gits.
Love Dotty xxx
John the Aussie
/ April 15, 2012G’day Dotty,
Buy?? BUY!?!?!
I have only ever bought 8 lighters in 12 years. 8 of which are collectable ones from bars and reside in first aid kit, survival kit and the lady printed ones stay locked in a wooden suitcase until the young ones grow up.
John
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear John,
I used to buy them (I’m not a LIGHTER THIEF like some people around here), dead ex-Simon used to steal them.
My dear dead Daddy had a lady printed one – first she had clothes on but when you turned it upside down her clothes disappeared! RUDE!
Love Dotty xxx
Victor Tookes
/ April 15, 2012/runs off to hide his Waterman pen.
Nothing to see here, move along.
/waves hand. “These aren’t the pens you’re looking for.”
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Victor,
You’re a speedy sod, aren’t you?
And you didn’t drop ANYTHING at all. NOTHING.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
If Branwell really cared about that pen, it wouldn’t have been sitting on the mantelpiece, getting sooty. He’s just playing the control card — ignore him, at least until you need more laudanum, and then, if he wants an apology, give it with fingers crossed behind your back and it isn’t real. I’m glad you saved the beautiful white swan-feather pen!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Judith,
My thoughts exactly. They don’t appreciate what they’ve got these people so he can go and take a running jump – until I need more laudanum and then I’ll do what you said.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
We are a very powerful pair of women!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Judith,
Love Dotty xxx
I wouldn’t be able to stand up to them without you.
ranton2011
/ April 15, 2012As both a hopeless thief of both pens and cigarette lighters, I don’t get invited to many places where writing and smoking are generally done together. If someone happens to do one of the two when it was only the one, I am then asked to leave. They say they can monitor me when its only smoking, or writing but when someone who is smoking starts to write, (or of course a writer starts smoking) I must go because the distraction that causes means I would go unwatched. Its all caused quite a bit of scandal for the family, and I am now the black sheep. Sadly, there are no treatment programs, or medications for those like me. So I guess an awareness campaign should begin.
Thanks Dotty for this post so that I was able to get that off my chest!
!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear ranton,
You’re welcome.
Love Dotty xxx
ranton2011
/ April 15, 2012And so sorry for writing while I was so tired, stupid and sans coffee. I should never hit the post comment without more careful review.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear ranton,
Yes you should – reviewing is for cissies.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I love pens too. Pens are friends.
Love HS xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear HS,
Penfriends!! I used to love my penfriends when I was young – I had them all over the world, proper penfriends who sent me proper letters and presents – I still have a brass plate that Sarp, my penfriend in Turkey sent me. And I have a little clingy koala bear that Gina, my penfriend in Tasmania sent me. And a beautiful handmade decoupage card that Sylvie in France sent me. I wonder where all my penfriends are now.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ April 15, 2012Dear HS,
I now understand your true loyalty. But I guess, if there was one to have that wouldn’t be for Le Clown, I’d opt for Dotty Headbanger myself.
Le Cut and Paste Clown
Le garlicky P.S. –
Did you see me posing in my stupid HAT – what a TWAT I looked. 
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Arsewipe Oink Oink Pink-Faced Fucker,
Piss off – again.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 15, 2012Le Cut and Paste Clown.
Huh? Did Dotty hack your account again?
Confused HS
Le PS. I will go and look at you in your HAT, I need to catch up on BLOG reading because I am also TWAT
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear HS,
No, I hacked his comment when I approved it – just like he does with mine.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
LOL!! I didn’t even know you could do that – and you were asking me how to use the book of faces, you know more about this internetty stuff than I do!!
Love HS xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear HS,
When you approve a comment there’s a Quick Edit option.
I just added the P.S. at the bottom with the smiley faces as a clue – he’s too snooty to use smiley faces.
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
that was kind of a give away too….
HAHAHAHAHAHA that and I know you like the word TWAT
Love HS xx
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear HS,
Just a bit.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ April 15, 2012Dotty, you’re funny as the shits! And talented! Request permission to use “pox-ridden whelp.”
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear swordy,
No you can’t use it because your analogy is an INSULT. Find your own.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ April 16, 2012Oh darn! Guess I have to find a better analogy. But trust me — I do think that you are quite funny — and I’m not just kissing up to you so that I can use the epithet…
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear Swordy,
It’ll take more than that.
Love Dotty xxx
Veggiewitch
/ April 15, 2012Dearest Dotty,
I have a similar love for pens. =0)
My Elflings also have that love for MY pens.
They have been taking off with my pens.
I can’t blame them at all, though.
The love for pens is a good love to have.
Much love,
Veggiewitch ♥
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Veggiewitch,
I love people who love pens but more than that I love people who don’t care about pens because they don’t mind where they leave them.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 15, 2012I hate those new-fangled pencils too. Hey, where is my pen? I just set it down right there a minute ago… Dotty!!!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear pmao,
What pen? I didn’t see any pens?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 15, 2012Yeah, I bet.
tadams4u
/ April 15, 2012Sometimes they are just to shiney and pretty to pass up……:D I love pens too…. Especially ones the glide as you write…mmmmm
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Brick,
SMOOOOOTH pens — Aaaah, bliss!
Love Dotty xxx
tadams4u
/ April 16, 2012If it is a Gel pen you better hide it!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear Brick,
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
Excellent post. I feel the same way about somethings — like orange tick-tacs.
Love Always,
Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Hmmm, I don’t like the orange ones. And what if they’ve been licked?
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ April 15, 2012Dotty,
The TicTacs would have to have been licked by Johnny Depp for me to love them so much then. Maybe Mr. Bloom could like my Tic Tac, too. But that’s it!
Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear Alphabet,
You don’t get to eat many tic-tacs, do you?
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ April 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
No, I have tic tac thieving children. Thus, my lusts.
Love,
Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Ah! Steal the orange ones before they get to them.
Love Dotty xxx
List of X
/ April 15, 2012I think you might have a pens envy
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 15, 2012Dear X,
Yes, I do. Do you?
Love Dotty xxx
List of X
/ April 15, 2012I am not excited about pens, they are unreliable, tend to leak, hard to find the perfect shape and size. I like keyboards
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear X,
Can you play Eine Kleine Nachtmusik with one finger?
Love Dotty xxx
List of X
/ April 16, 2012With one finger? Sure! That’s the ONLY way I know how to play it!
ranton2011
/ April 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I had a patient the other night tell me all about his Ten inch pens. Oh wait. He was talking about something else. OOPS. Sorry, only had ONE cup of coffee.
!
Love,
Ranton
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear ranton,
Drink more! Quickly.
Love Dotty xxx
PAZ
/ April 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
Do you keep the pretty pens even after all their ink is gone? Or do you just keep all of them even when their ink is no more?
Love xoxo
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear PAZ,
No, I throw them out if they haven’t got sentimental value like the pen I swiped from my dear dead Daddy (before he died – obviously I wouldn’t steal from the dead).
Love Dotty xxx
PAZ
/ April 18, 2012Dear Dotty,
I would keep that one too if I were you.
Love xoxoxoxxxx
Madame Weebles
/ April 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
I use fountain pens. You can borrow them any time you want. Just don’t tell Branwell.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 16, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
Thank you, I’ll hide them from everyone. Only I’ll know where I’ve put them.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ April 17, 2012I like pens, don’t get me wrong, I like them, but I am helpless when I behold a little notebook that promises me that, if I will just write my thoughts and lists and ideas in it, it will collect them into promising little creative clumps that will then sprout and become something that justifies the expense of the the 20 tidy, black covered, lightly lined notebooks which never seem to be handy when I have a goddamned THOUGHT.
Over to you, Dotty.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 17, 2012Dear Dags,
Yes, I’ve written about my love of notebooks somewhere in the blog (fuck knows where), specifically black A5 soft-backed, spiral-spined notebooks. I LOVE THEM.
Love Dotty xxx