The Weather Forecast For The North Of Dottyland

 

Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain

and rain again.

Rain is a fucking pain.

Not that I go out in the rain, I don’t, because I CAN’T GO OUT but the rain makes too much NOISE battering on my windows. And there’s no sunshine or blueness, there’s only a BIG GLOOMY SKY FILLED WITH RAINCLOUDS.

But I suppose I should be grateful because at least our Northern rain is PROPER RAIN, it comes down fast and hard in bucket-loads, not like Southern rain which is SOFT and PIDDLY and PISSY just like the Southerners it falls on. And don’t any of you Southerners start moaning at me, because I know what you’re all up to, I know YOU WANT TO STEAL OUR RAIN.

You want to STEAL OUR RAIN because YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANY OF YOUR OWN. You want to STEAL OUR RAIN and have it piped all the way down the country into your big soft houses so you can water your big soft lawns and wash your big posh cars and leave US without any to drink. Well you can PISS OFF, it’s OUR RAIN, haven’t you got enough of everything else down there – you’ve got all the jobs, all the money, all the EVERYTHING and all we have is OUR RAIN, the same rain you LAUGH AT and COMPLAIN ABOUT if you’re ever forced into coming UP NORTH.

So no, you CAN’T HAVE IT.

Why don’t you ask your daytrip chunnel pals, France, if you can have some of their rain? I bet I know what they’ll say – NON with some French swear words to follow but I don’t know any French swear words apart from ‘casse toi’ which might be appropriate but just as likely it’s not. Oh, I also know ‘merde’ so they might say NON, CASSE TOI, TU TÊTE DE MERDE (that sounds good).

It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring.

There’s so much rain coming down, rain-rain, gallons and gallons of it, and the grass looks so GREEN and LUSH.  

In fact we have so MUCH rain that we might just have to throw some of it away, into the NORTH SEA, because we wouldn’t want to spill a drop or two and have it roll DOWN SOUTH.

I might stick the hosepipe out of the window to water my flowers just in case the rain stops for a second or two and they get thirsty.

Rain, rain, happy rain.

And it’s going to rain ALL WEEK.

I’m off to have a bath. And a shower.

 

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47 Comments

  1. I’m glad you can make light of it Dolly…
    As for me, this rain is driving me insane!

    Reply
  2. I like rain. Rain is good, when it falls quietly making little sounds. I don’t like wind. Wind is tiresome and it makes rain ugly. Is it windy in Dottyland too?

    Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,

    You have the most interesting perspective on things — I love coming here to read new ideas about old stuff. I find you refreshing and clear, kind of like a Spring RAIN!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  4. It’s pretty wet down here too Dotty, I’m escaping it tomorrow and going to Spain.

    Can we trade anything for your water reserves? I know a lovely butchers….

    Reply
    • Dear Joe,

      You’re swapping your piddly rain for the rain in Spain?
      Nope, no trade. You’re not having any.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Have a nice time :-)

      Reply
  5. clownonfire

     /  April 18, 2012

    Dotty,
    Rain is poopoo. I’m sorry. I could teach you some French if you’d like… It would be some Canadian French, but they get the message in French when we speak, even if they laugh at us and become bastards. But it’s French, nonetheless…
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      I did French at school but only because they wouldn’t let me do Technical Drawing because I wasn’t a boy so hardly any of it went in. Some of the class had French exchange students to stay, I didn’t want one. They don’t like us, we don’t like them.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • clownonfire

         /  April 18, 2012

        Dotty,
        They can’t compete with you. You have to forgive them. Afterall, you guys have Emma Peel.
        Le Clown

      • Dear clown,

        Forgiveness is not an option. We still haven’t forgiven them for 1066 and no matter how many times we whoop their arses, we never will.

        Love Dotty xxx

  6. Stupid piddly southern rain. Piddly rain wont even get puddly or pooly properly.

    Reply
  7. Wow…horrible weather everywhere, it seems! Poor Nia in Turkey said it’s scary windy and loud where she is. How sad that everyone has such awful weather…except ME! Little old me, in beautiful North Florida, with bright sunny skies and 80% temps. I feel soo guilty at having this awesome weather while everyone else is in the cold or wet or wind…really I do!
    ;)

    KC

    Reply
    • Dear KC,

      Hmmph!
      Do you have alligators?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Kinda-sorta? Mostly in zoo kinda places…poor things. Little baby ones with electrical tape round their mouths/noses/jaws so the little brats that hold them to get their picture taken won’t get what they deserve.

        Also, in local myths, such as Old One-eye, who was supposed to be 15 foot long with one eye, cause a hunter shot out the other one so ever since he’s been a maneater, and he likes to hang out under that bit of drainage ditch/culvert you have to ride over to get to school every day on your bike. Like that.

      • Dear KC,

        That’s horrible! They should do the same to the zookeepers and parents.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I know, right? I like the way they have them in Southern Florida better…for instance, the road to where the space shuttle takes off is a designated Gator sanctuary. You can see them just hanging out on the sides of the road, people watching. And at DW, aka The Evil Mouse Empire, they basically created the land there out of the swamp it used to be…so there are still patches of swamp that the gov. makes them keep, and there’re sometimes Gator in there…I saw one in the huge-mongous parking lot of doom, once. ;) And down further, where the canals are, and the houses that back onto the canals are mostly full of retirees with poodles and chi-hooa-hooa’s, it’s like a Gator gourmet. Chomp-chomp-chomp!

      • Dear KC,
        Oh, I remember a film or a documentary or something about all the little dogs being scoffed and all the little blue-haired ladies were up in arms about it. Idiots.
        Love Dotty xxx

      • Yup. Om-nom-nom poodle pancakes! *giggles*

  8. I laughed until I cried. And just for you, I kept my tears from the Southerners.

    Reply
  9. The rain in Spain falls mainly on this insane.

    Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    I’m glad you at least have real rain. London rain really disappointed me. Not enough to put up an umbrella, just enough to turn your hair into a fright wig.

    Stay dry!
    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  11. Dorothy

     /  April 18, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Hahahaha…..what a great laugh you’ve given me! You must live near my friend in Dukenfield, his weather has been awful. We also need the rain in Boston, so if you want to turn the hose pipe this way you can send the rain over here. I prefer the sunny weather myself because the rain gets so depressing after awhile. We’ve had beautiful 84°, sunny during the last few days but it is cooler now but no rain. Wish I could send some of it to you.
    Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,
      No, you can’t have our rain either, we’re keeping it all for ourselves. I like Spring and Autumn best, summer is too hot and winter is too cold.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. We seem to be in a drought here in Colorado. Send some our way Dotty!

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,
    I LIKED this even though I’m a Southerner and my computer crashed when it read that you were calling us SOFT and PIDDLEY and PISSY. But I agree, South rain is SOFT and PIDDLEY and PISSY and most of the people down here are wankers. They don’t deserve water, half of them don’t wash anyway. Go and water your flowers in the rain!!!
    Love HS xx

    Reply
  14. Grumpy

     /  April 18, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I’m visiting friends in Newcastle in a few weeks time. I’ll bring the BIG GINORMOUS plastic buckets that I use to make beer in, and nick some of your rain to take home with me!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
    • Dear Grumpy,
      No you won’t because I’ll see you coming – remember Dotty of the North? I’ll be waiting for you.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. I have alligators, but I’ll send you sunshine instead.

    Reply
  16. Dear Dotty,
    We’re getting that No-Joke-I-Will-Bash-Your-Head-In-Like-Hail-Rain down here.
    Love xoxoxxx

    Reply

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