A Boring Post About My Boring Dead Husband, Boring Ex-Simon Garottey (Part 1)

 

Seeing as I’m still having trouble thinking of what to write because nothing happens to me because I CAN’T GO OUT, and seeing as little Emily is still recovering from the Sickness so she hasn’t been able to come and see me, and seeing as Branwell talks a load of shite when he does stay to talk to me, and seeing as Lottie is too busy, busy, busy to talk to me in the first place, and seeing as THE BERSERKERS have been told to stop ringing me up for bedtime stories because Lottie’s been whingeing about the phone bill, and seeing as there’s only SO many times I can stick a poem up and pretend to myself I’ve written a proper post, I thought that today I’ll write about something I’ve been avoiding writing about – my dead husband, ex-Simon.

I’ll apologise in advance for how BORING this post will be – it can’t be anything BUT boring because ex-Simon was boring, he was VERY VERY boring, he was the most boringest bastard ever to have been boring, he could have made every boring bastard in every boring chapter of THE BORING CLUB OF BORING BASTARDS die of boredom.

He didn’t SEEM boring for the first couple of years of knowing him. Yes, he liked CLEANING but any woman with any sense in her head would skip down the aisle to marry a man who liked cleaning, wouldn’t they – I didn’t have to lift a finger, he cleaned ALL THE HOUSE, everything, he kept the place LOVELY and SPARKLY and HYGIENIC which was brilliant for the most part except when he tried to ban me from smoking in the house because he said I was turning the ceiling and walls beige and making all my books yellow and why didn’t I GET RID OF SOME OF MY BOOKS?

You can imagine what I said to that. See, another problem with ex-Simon was he decided, after 2 years of marriage, to become a MINIMALIST – actually, being a MINIMALIST isn’t another problem, it’s the SAME problem as being a BORING BASTARD because who in their right mind wants to live in NOTHING? I’ve never understood MINIMALISM – human beings are ANIMALS not MINIMALS and how do animals live? They live in cosy little nests and burrows and dens and holes and hollows and other snug places, don’t they? Except fish (and other water creatures) who don’t have the bricks or the fingers to build themselves a proper home so they only have vast amounts of open water to live in – BUT THEY DON’T ONLY HAVE VAST AMOUNTS OF OPEN WATER TO LIVE IN, they have the BOTTOM OF THE WATER to live in and that’s what they do, they sleep in a bed of cosy grit and silt and pebbles with little (or BIG) rocks for walls to keep the BIG FISH and other BIG WATER CREATURES away from them because if they went to sleep in their vast amounts of open water they’d soon be EATEN by the BIG FISH and the other BIG WATER CREATURES. And it’s the same for human beings, we need THINGS AROUND US for protection because if you’re a MINIMAL and your house has fuck all in it, WHERE DO YOU HIDE WHEN THE PSYCHO COMES TO GET YOU? 

Wanting to become a MINIMALIST was the first real indication of how much of a boring bastard ex-Simon would become before I finally sent him to sleep with the fishes (SLEEP WITH THE FISHES!! HA HA HA HA – get it?) I did try to compromise with him (I told him he could keep the little downstairs toilet collection-free) because I still loved him then (though, on reflection, him telling me to get rid of my books is what started the slow swing from love to HATE). I couldn’t understand why he wanted me to get rid of my books when he had a COLLECTION OF STAMPS that he was meticulous about. Yes, stamps are the boringest item to collect but the fact that he was a COLLECTOR wasn’t boring even though the thing he collected was. But (again, on reflection) maybe at the beginning I shouldn’t have been blinded by him BEING A COLLECTOR, I should have focused more on the boringness of WHAT he collected. Ah, Hindsight, you fucker, why are you never there when I need you?

 

I’ll tell you a bit more about ex-Simon later, the thought of having to get rid of my books is bringing on a panic attack and I need my beta-blockers and a little swig of  laudanum.

 

 

 

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79 Comments

  1. If I was suddenly deprived of all of my Geek Clutter (sewing, ukuleles, Doctor Who merchandise, books, CDs, DVDs etc) I would go in to a full-on panic attack! Seriously, I need Stuff around me to feel at home. Minimalist scares the living hit out of me!

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      Me too – even when I’m so mired in apathy I can’t move I’ve always got something to LOOK at. And why does anyone NEED space if not to fill it with STUFF? The mind boggles.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. that’s why I love to live in my own house alone! No man telling me what I can and can’t have. I don’t blame you for getting rid of the boring bastard!

    Reply
    • Dear Carla,
      I had SO many supportive letters like this, from women who thought I’d done the right thing, while I was waiting for my trial the prison had to hire an extra postal sorter outer while I was there. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • hey there was a situation where I could have been in there with ya if they hadn’t put me in the psych ward as quick as they did

      • Dear Carla,

        There’s only so much we can take, isn’t there. I don’t know how women stay married to the same man for more than ten years without getting done for, at the very least, attempted murder.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • well it’s that way with some men. thats for sure. sad thing is the number of unfit ones are growing and they show a different face when you first meet them. You don’t know they are a dud until you go ahead and marry them or something. Me, I got married at 19 and threw him our at 23, That was in 1993. I haven’t made that mistake again but I almost did and ended up in the psych ward for threatning to kill him and carrying a dagger. I am so happy living alone. My 2 kids are 23 and 25 and the yhave their own life. I can do anything I want or not do somthing if I don’t want lol. I can go all day without brushing my hair and fart like the best of em if I want and no ones going to say” tisk tisk that’s not lady like!”

      • Dear Carla,

        Tsk, tsk, that’s not ladylike! ;-)

        I know what you mean about not knowing you’ve married a dud – it’s like you marry The Incredible Hulk, thinking you’ve got a big, strong man to protect you (maybe not green) and then he turns into chickenshit David Bannerman.

        Love Dotty xxx

  3. Dear Dotty,

    You have hit the nail on the head again! I wish I had written this post! 8-)

    Love and hugs,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,
      Thank you. I wish I’d hit ex-Simon on the head with one of those BIG NAILY CLUBS instead of shooting his head off, then my nice curtains wouldn’t have got ruined.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Next time!

        Love,

        Judith 8-)

      • Dear Judith,

        No, never again. Unless my lovely Ian Somerhalder dumps Elena and proposes to me. I’d never kill my lovely Ian Somerhalder. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        Does he know? Tell him — maybe he’ll throw her off a bridge

        Love,

        Judith

      • Dear Judith,

        I’ve written him a few letters (897 – I’ve just finished 898 but it’s not been posted yet) but he hasn’t replied. I don’t think he’s getting them, I think she’s intercepting them and tearing them up because she knows I’m a threat.

        Love Dotty xxx

  4. A suggestion of getting rid of books???? For shame, that would be the immediate downfall for me.

    Reply
    • Dear tlwb,
      Exactly – I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realise that’s when the hatred for him set in.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Grumpy

     /  April 21, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Everyone NEEDS their own STUFF. Everyone NEEDS SPACE for their own STUFF.
    But have you noticed that other peoples STUFF is SHIT, but your SHIT is STUFF.
    Grumpy x

    Reply
    • Dear Grumpy,

      YES! I had to burn loads of his shit after I offed him. It gave me loads more space to fill with my GOOD STUFF. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    The thought of having to get rid of my books – yes, that brings on a panic-ie little episode. Books are my friends… I love them, I re-read them often. What a horrid man, to even suggest that.

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,
      He wasn’t exactly a BOOK HATER, he liked his OWN shitey books about boring things, he was more of a BOOK RACIST – he wouldn’t give a book the time of day if its cover didn’t fit.
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. Is it wrong for me to read your posts with a British accent in my head?

    Reply
  8. free penny press

     /  April 21, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    my ex took all of my books and burned them to a crisp in the backyard..that’s when I took the turn from sorta-loved to mad-dislike…boring, mad men..ugh!!
    FPP

    Reply
  9. I sometimes tell my dear Mr. Chickadee that he ought have less books. But that is because he is a librarian and thinks he needs ALL THE BOOKS. So he has three copies of some of them, and I think maybe, just maybe, he could make do with only one copy. He insists that it isn’t so, and I let him keep ALL THE BOOKS.

    Reply
    • Dear DeeDee,

      I don’t know what to say to you except LEAVE HIM ALONE. Let the poor man have his 3 copies of his books, I’m the same, I have different copies of certain books in my collection – it’s a natural thing to want to duplicate what you love. I’m glad you’ve let him keep them but be careful next time you get the urge to tell him he ought to have less – think of my dead husband ex-Simon and how he ended up a cautionary tale for BOOKISTS.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. I wouldn’t mind having less stuff in this house… as long as the stuff that was leaving wasn’t my stuff…

    Reply
  11. Why is it our significant others when they want to purge always want to start with other peoples stuff? Lol

    Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,
    You are NEVER boring.
    Love, Maggie

    Reply
  13. Lovely post, Dotty. Good thing he’s been xxxed out.
    I think you’d enjoy the writer Shirley Jackson.
    Here are the opening two paragraphs from her story What a Thought:

    Dinner had been good; Margaret sat with her book on her lap and watched her husband digesting, an operation to which he always gave much time and thought. As she watched he put his cigar down without looking and used his free hand to turn the page of his paper. Margaret found herself thinking with some pride that unlike many men she had heard about, her husband did not fall asleep after a particularly good dinner.

    She flipped the pages of her book idly; it was not interesting. She knew that if she asked her husband to take her to a movie, or out for a ride, or to play gin rummy, he would smile at her and agree; he was always willing to do things to please her, still, after ten years of marriage. An odd thought crossed her mind: She would pick up the heavy glass ashtray and smash her husband over the head with it.

    Here’s the link to it: http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0497/jackson/sstory.html

    Reply
    • Dear dags,

      When I read your comment I remembered I had a Shirley Jackson book in one of my Colonial Female Authors bookcases and I HAVE, I found it, it’s at the side of me now, on my coffee table, it’s a big thick one called The Masterpieces of Shirley Jackson – I’m going to start reading it later and if What A Thought is anything to go by once I start reading I might be some time. Thank you. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • P.S. What A Thought isn’t in my book, I just checked the index. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        And after visiting with twisty Shirley, there’s Patricia Highsmith’s Little Tales of Misogyny, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
        Pour yerself a cuppa laudanum and pull up a fire and enjoy the dark.
        Yours till the bitter end,
        Dags

      • Dear Dags,

        I’ve got the Ripley novels but I hadn’t heard of that one, I had to ask Amazon – it looks good. I’ve put it in my Save For When I’ve Got Some Money bit of my basket along with the 142 books and DVDs already waiting for me there. :-)

        Love Dotty xx

  14. Dearest Dotty,
    *squishy hugs*
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
  15. fingers and bricks

    i like the minimalisms, but ON MY TERMS. i really think that minimalism is a mean thing to foist onto another person, no matter how much you want it yourself. i like the empty clean spaces because of all the clutter in my mind. but i would be most annoyed if someone minimaled on my behalf.

    plus, he totally loses at minimalism with the stamp collection.

    Reply
    • Dear elaine,

      I see your point, and yes, sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a bit of space to dance in or to do carpet angels on but not enough to want to do anything about it. But I agree wholeheartedly, it IS a mean thing to try to turn someone else into a minimal – my brother, Scotty, tricked me into getting rid of some of my collections a couple of months ago and he ended up with a broken trigger finger when I smashed my brick onto it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  16. Dear Dotty!
    I think I would have done the same if some one told me to get rid of my books, you were truly justified in your actions.
    Love,
    Habiba.

    Reply
  17. Dorothy

     /  April 21, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Sometimes I think my brother, who is a hoarder, has too much stuff, but I never say anything because I also have too much stuff. So until I get rid of all of my own junk then I have no right to say anything to him. I just try to keep things in semi-organized piles and ask him has he looked at his mail lately?. Just to remind him that the pile is getting a little high. It’s better to live peacefully than not at all.
    My husband never collected anything. He just liked to drink coffee and watch sports and he died on his own. I didn’t have to kill him….oh well, maybe the next one won’t be so lucky if he pisses me off!
    Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      What does your brother hoard? The hoarding habits of hoarders always interest me because I’m nosey and also because I’ve been accused of hoarding by a lot of people and I’m investigating the subtle but crucial differences between hoarders and collectors.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dorothy

         /  April 21, 2012

        Dear Dotty,
        My brother hoards mostly books now but he also collects oil lamps, swords, buys excessive groceries as if the end of times is coming, flashlights, and there are items in his room such as cardboard boxes, papers, and I don’t know what else because I’m afraid to go in.
        Dorothy

      • Dear Dorothy,

        Books! And swords – I have a few of my own.

        I wouldn’t be able to resist going in for a peek, I’d brandish one of his swords in case something in the boxes jumped out at me.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dorothy

         /  April 22, 2012

        oh, yes, and I forgot…clocks! I forgot them because I have let them all run down and the atomic one went dead for some odd reason this past summer (I wonder why)

      • Dear Dorothy,

        I’ve always kept some of my clocks set ten minutes in front of the others – if anyone ever asks me the time and I tell them, they always say ‘But what’s the REAL time?’ They don’t understand that you need some clocks to be ten minutes fast so you’re never late for anything (I hate not being punctual).

        Love Dotty xxx

  18. “we need THINGS AROUND US for protection because if you’re a MINIMAL and your house has fuck all in it, WHERE DO YOU HIDE WHEN THE PSYCHO COMES TO GET YOU? ”
    O_o
    I never thought of that!
    I need more stuff!

    LOL.

    Reply
  19. Dear Dotty,

    I’m glad you dispensed with ex-Simon. He sounds like he deserved it, mightily. If he ever shows up again, I can send Mr. Weebles over to beat him senseless.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you for your offer but I don’t think there’s much chance of him showing up again, his brother had him cremated. I wish I’d known you a few years ago, Mr Weebles would have come in handy. There might be other people he could beat senseless though – I’ll let you know. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  20. Dear Dotty,
    Love the reference to Incredible Hulk/ David Bannerman!
    By the way, I know how it feels to be told to get rid of my books (and to stop reading). All that is history now :)
    F

    Reply
    • Dear frangipani,

      I’m glad it’s history for you, I know how you feel – ex-Simon never actually told me to stop reading, he’d just sit and GLARE at me, or the second I picked up a book he’d decide he had to speak to me even though he hadn’t said two words all day.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  21. Dear Dotty,
    Don’t some fishies also live in anemities with cosy amenities. I mean amenities with cosy anemities. Fuck, I can never say it right.

    Anyway, stamp collecting is about the blandest collecting ever. I think living in clutter would make me have panic attacks and go crazy (haha as if…) and I don’t mind minimizing, but books!? BOOKS?!

    Love xoxoxxx

    p.s. BOOKS?!

    Reply
    • Dear PAZ,

      Yes, BOOKS! :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Hold on, hold on a sec, Dotty, I had to come back here and make sure since the first time I read this I wasn’t fully awake. You’re saying poems aren’t proper posts? What?! Then what in the fuckin’ fuckery have I been postin?
        Love xoxoxxx

      • Dear PAZ,

        For me they’re not! They’re different from doing proper posts where I just bang out a load of shite and post it, my poems are just a little bit of shite and if you add up the amount of words in them they wouldn’t make half a paragraph of a proper post. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  22. All this talk of boredom reminds me of a scene from Bleak House:

    Sir Leicester Dedlock: Is it still raining, my love?
    Lady Dedlock: Yes.
    Sir Leicester Dedlock: Remarkable.
    Lady Dedlock: And I am bored to death with it.
    Lady Dedlock: Well…
    Lady Dedlock: Bored to death with this place, bored to death with my life, bored to death with myself. And Bored to death with those damn minimalists, they know fuck all.

    Reply
  23. My darling ex-husband likened my stuff many times to”your boxes of crap”
    Bully to him, I’m living, happily surrounded by all my boxes of crap, and loving every minute of it!!
    Get rid of books! Why is it always people that don’t read that thinks we should do this? Do they know nothing?

    Reply
  24. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:
    Reblog Thursday

    World meet Dotty…Dotty meet the World…oh wait, she won’t…for Dotty is a reclusive, a she-hermit. Dotty’s world is filled with bricks and sausages and benches, and all sorts of “shitey” things. This is a very big blog featuring a very unique world seen through Dotty’s eyes.

    Reply

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