Dead Ex-Simon – The Mental Cruelty He Inflicted On Dotty (Part 3a)

his actions “…reached depths of mental cruelty previously unheard of in this court.” — Judge Hackisnackersoff

 

The above quote is a dead-on description of my dead husband, ex-Simon. He could be a HEARTLESS, VICIOUS, SADISTIC, MONSTEROUS MONSTER when he wanted to be, a SICK, TWISTED APPLIER OF MENTAL CRUELTY to me, your little Dotty. Here’s a list of a few of the things he did – I can’t tell you all of them, we’d be here all week and some things were too horrendously cruel for me to speak about yet, too painful for me to even THINK about without bringing on a series of major panic attacks, for example WHAT HE USED TO DO TO MY CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES.

 

THE TELLY

Ex-Simon was a remote control control freak, if it wasn’t where he put it last he went ballistic and paddied around like a two year old until he found it. He wanted complete control of the telly and that might have been okay if he’d watched PROPER PROGRAMMES like soaps and films and crime things and costume dramas, and proper documentaries about gypsies and dead sovereigns and that  dirty diseases programme with the doctors and the people who’ve had a nasty EMBARRASSING thing wrong with them for years but they’ve been too EMBARRASSED to talk to their own doctor or tell anyone about it so they GO ON TELLY AND SHOW THE NASTY THING TO THE NATION – what’s that all about, eh? 

Anyway, a female can put up with WAR PROGRAMMES for only so long before the violence gets to her and she batters the telly screen in with a hammer. When we went to buy a new one, ex-Simon wanted to get one with Sky or Branson added on but I put my foot down and said NO because I’ve never seen the point in having FIFTY MILLION TELLY CHANNELS when you can only watch one at a time, or with a twin thingy Freeview you can record two channels and watch one but that’s still only THREE CHANNELS at a time – and when do people WATCH IT ALL? Do all these subscribers get 10 extra hours in the day that the rest of us don’t get so they can get their money’s worth of telly? Because it costs a fucking bomb to subscribe to them, I know because they keep sending me shitemail to get me to sign up – BUT I WON’T because I’M BOYCOTTING THEM and the reason I’M BOYCOTTING THEM is because they THIEVE AWAY ALL THE GOOD TELLY PROGRAMMES after we’ve had one or two series’ on ITV or Channel 4 and we’ve got to like them and want to watch the next series but BOSH along comes Sky or Branson with their big bags of dosh and we don’t get to see what happened next —

Dexter

Criminal Minds

The Walking Dead

Medium

are just 4 of the programmes they’ve THIEVED. So I’ll NEVER EVER sign up and give them loads of money, what I do is I WAIT UNTIL THE DVD BOXSET IS CHEAP and then I buy it and KEEP IT and Sky and Branson and whoever else can FUCK OFF.

 

 

BREAD

At the same time as ex-Simon decided to become a MINIMAL, he also decided to become a health freak. He wouldn’t let me buy WHITE BREAD. He wouldn’t even let me buy BROWN BREAD, I had to buy WHOLEMEAL BREAD and not just NORMAL WHOLEMEAL BREAD, I had to buy WHOLEMEAL BREAD WITH ADDED BITS OF SHITE IN IT like sunflower seeds and poppy seeds (not opium poppy seeds) and sawdust chunks and the bits got stuck in my teeth after I’d eaten it and I had to slash-floss like fuck to get them out again because normal flossing just MOVED THE BITS to a different position.

 

 

FEET

Even writing about this is making me cringe and shudder and squirm and feel very, very sick. I HATE  feet, they’re nasty and disgusting and ugly and germy and smelly and diseasey and uuuuuurrrrgggghhhhh, I feel sick

I can’t do this one, I’m gipping too much

he never wore socks in  bed, the evil fucker

AND THERE’S WORSE

no, I can’t do it

I’ll have to go, I need a BIG swig of laudanum to take away the nausea.

Just imagine the absolute worst things to do with feet and that’s what he did.

UUUUURRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Leave a comment

46 Comments

  1. Dexter

    Criminal Minds

    The Walking Dead

    Medium

    Some of my fav shows. I do not have the pay tv either so I do like you, or worse, I buy bootleg or convince friends to download them and give them to me.
    LOL

    Feet ARE nasty. I am sorry that you had to endure all of that,

    Reply
    • Dear psychowatcher,

      I HATE those companies – people have more money than sense if they pay for telly, I just don’t see the point when there are so many Freeview channels.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    Did he bite his toenails? or eat with his feet? Because both of those are just WRONG on so many levels.
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  3. Och now Dotty – feet are not so bad ;-)
    At least your TV is your own now!!

    Reply
  4. so quite a normal marriage then?

    Reply
  5. ps. perhaps you could explain why wives dont enjoy enjoy a twice-daily immersion in World War 2 history programmes?

    Reply
    • Dear Daniel,

      Twice daily would be fine if twice daily meant one programme at 3.00am and another at 4.00am and that’s it, but for men who like war programmes twice daily means something different – ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. I think this Simon sounds like a delightful fellow, I keep waiting for you to get to the reason you don’t like him.

    Reply
  7. free penny press

     /  April 23, 2012

    Ugh..the feet would have been enough right there but to top it off with the bread with mini-nails, well, too much..
    (I gotta ask..is he really dead? like in the ground, never breathing again dead?)

    Reply
    • Dear fpp,

      Yes, he’s dead – at least I hope he is or the Undertaker’s going to get a visit from Dibble for body switching or body selling.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    I guess it depends upon who the feet belong to
    Love,
    Habiba

    Reply
  9. My whole past week revolved around the fact that you can’t get ANY TV here now, without paying. That seems unconstitutional, at the very least, and I’m looking into it. The last person I know who tried to do that with their feet is in prison now. True story. uuuuuuuuuuurrrggghhhhhh.

    Reply
    • Dear Gobby,

      Our telly isn’t free, we have to pay our TV License every year to the BBC which is another reason why I think it’s stupid to pay these companies for more crap telly to be piped in or flown in. It’s all stupid.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Love you. :-)

      Reply
  10. Dear Dotty honey,

    The more you tell us about ex-Simon, the happier I am that you popped a cap in his forehead. When you put up with that shit for so long, you either kill him, (Yay) or you start watching the same programmes, (Booooooo.)

    As for feet, just the thought of all the nasty, perverted things a man could do with his feet are enough to make me…..excuse me…….throw up my breakfast. I won’t go into all the reasons they make me sick, but let me just say a long hairy second toe longer than the first and really flat. There, now aren’t you glad I didn’t say anything?

    Love you,

    Judith

    Reply
  11. Your TV needs to be licensed??? That is insane

    Reply
    • Dear John P.

      Yes, we’ve always had to pay it. It costs £145.50 a year – if we don’t pay it we get fined. They have telly detector vans that come round the streets detecting signals so they can find out if a telly is switched on in an unlicensed house. And they wonder why so many of us are paranoid.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. Your description of the ‘dearly departed seems to cover most men… like a custom tailored suit… But a man should wear socks to bed… and absolutely nothing else…

    Reply
  13. Dearest Dotty,
    It’s alright.
    *squishy hugs*
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
  14. Did he eat with his feet?

    Reply
  15. kzackuslheureux

     /  April 23, 2012

    Dear Dotty, he didn’t! He couldn’t! How could he stick his feet in jello!
    Love, Alphabet

    Reply
  16. HA HA HA HA, I love your blog…it makes me laugh OUT LOUD! And feet, jesus don’t me started, they are vile, even more so when socks are still on and they just came out a shoes. Girl, you’ve got this blogging thing down.

    Reply
  17. Oh, dear Dotty,

    He sounds horrible. Who honestly prefers wholegrain bread with things in it to wonderful, soft white or brown bread? And don’t get me started on the television abuse–he deserved his fate.

    No jury in the world could convict you, knowing what we know about ex-Simon.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you. I’m touched by all the nice things people are saying – the women understand EXACTLY why I did it, the men not so much. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you. I’m touched by all the nice things people are saying – the women understand EXACTLY why I did it, the men not so much. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  18. im thinking that he ate your cumberland sausages with his toes….or he had a big toe that you thought was one by accident one day. ;-)

    Reply
  19. Dorothy

     /  April 25, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    You poor thing did what any once sane woman had to do…more times than naught I’ve thought of smashing the TV in when the war programs run endlessly (give it a rest…ok!!)…thankfully I no longer can eat any foods that the others eat so that no longer matters and I really don’t want to visualize ex-Simon’s feet or toes doing anything…yuck. Toes are weird and only good for laughing at when looked at from a distance. I side with you. Goodbye ex-Simon!!
    Love Dorothy

    Reply

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