I’ve spent today filling in a FORM that should have been filled in weeks ago, a fucking nasty FORM with BIG spaces to write in and little boxes to tick and SHITEY illogical questions to answer.
When it first arrived I opened it, not realising it was a FORM. I read the letter that came with it then I stuffed it all back in the envelope and propped it up on the worktop so I wouldn’t forget about it completely (I couldn’t, it’s important or I’d have binned the thing). And for all these weeks it’s been THERE, waiting for me, whispering ‘fill me in, fill me in,’ watching me when I tried to sneak past it on tiptoe or when I got down on all fours and crawled below it’s line of sight. When I tried to go to sleep at night I could feel the EVIL emanating from it – I AM HERE AND I WON’T GO AWAY UNTIL YOU FILL ME IN - and for the last two days I haven’t been in the kitchen at all and I’m fucking STARVING and the DUE DATE that the form has to be returned by is VERY DUE so this morning I went into my kitchen with a notebook and pen and I grabbed the envelope and opened it and took out the FORM and then I laid the FORM on the table next to the notebook and pen and then I made a MASSIVE pile of Cumberland sausage sandwiches for STRENGTH and ENDURANCE and then I made another cup of coffee and then I went for a wee and then I couldn’t avoid the FORM any more so I sat down and got started on the fucker.
After filling in my name and address and shite, one of the first things it asked me was
‘Do you need an interpreter?’
and I was SO TEMPTED to put
YES
and then when it asked in what language, I wanted to put
IN MY OWN LANGUAGE WHICH IS CALLED DOTTISH
and I wanted to write that if they wouldn’t provide me with a Dottish interpreter I’d SUE THEIR BOLLOCKS OFF because that’s just SHEER, BLATANT DISCRIMINATION.
and so what if there’s only one person in the world who speaks Dottish and I’M that person, PAY ME £70.00 per hour and I’ll translate for myself, you fucking imbeciles.
I don’t like FORMS. They’re nasty.
I’ve finished it now though and it’s all ready to post.
Thank fuck.
Missus Tribble
/ April 25, 2012I hate forms too. Thankfully the ESA and DLA people have decided tht I am so FUBAR that I NEVER HAVE TO FILL ANOTHER FORM IN AGAIN!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
I envy you – (not for the reasons behind no form filling, I’m sorry you suffer to such an extent) but for the NO FUCKING FORM FILLING.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. What does FUBAR mean?
Missus Tribble
/ April 25, 2012FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Redemption
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
chrisdevoss
/ April 25, 2012You bested your very formidable opponent. Good job.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Chris,
Thank you. It was a bastard though.
Love Dotty xxx
Victor Tookes
/ April 25, 2012Did you try calling for an extension on your form? I bet you could have ignored it for weeks longer. But at least its done now, and its nasty, perverted form-eyes aren’t watching you any more.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Victor,
No, they wouldn’t let me ignore it any more, they don’t do extensions – they’re nasty fuckers like their FORMS.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ April 25, 2012Dear Dotty,
Blast. That reminds me I have a form to fill out, too. I share your suffering: they make me feel like I am lying.
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear owl,
I can write on my blog every day but when it comes to FORMS (or even shopping lists for that matter – anything I have to write in everyday life) my mind goes blank.
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ April 25, 2012Dear dotty,
I once had to fill a form in which I put my postal address 12 times! imagine my plight. I hate my address now, wish it were shorter.
Love,
Habiba
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Habiba,
TWELVE TIMES?? I’d have written ‘Do you have memory problems?’ in the other 11 boxes.
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ April 26, 2012Dear dotty,
Wish i could, but it was the form for my medical college, sigh.
Love,
Habiba.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear Habiba,
Oh dear. Maybe next time.
Love Dotty xxx
allthingsboys
/ April 25, 2012First, FUBAR is F— Up Beyond All Recognition. Didn’t see that answered, so thought I’d chime in. It’s a favorite…. Second, the word FORM, followed by filled in, has your post as its definition in the OED. (and the American, and all other languages as well). Isn’t there some way of getting rid of them?
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear atb,
Ah, thank you, I’ve never heard of FUBAR.
To get rid of FORMS, first of all we’d have to get rid of all the fuckers employed to read them and dither over them and make the wrong decisions regarding them.
Love Dotty xxx
allthingsboys
/ April 26, 2012amen, sista!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear atb,
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ April 25, 2012Dotty dear…I wish you could just tell us how you really feel. Teehee…my fave part:’I could feel the evil emanating from it’. Bahahaaaa!!! P.s.I want to learn Dottish©
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Carr,
Dottish is an ever-changing, ever-evolving language. I’ve made a start on my research for a forthcoming extensive works entitled DOTTY’S DICTIONARY OF THE DOTTISH LANGUAGE. You can see the research I’ve done so far on the Dotty’s Collected Profanities page.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ April 25, 2012Take a deep breath…
I am super busy right now, but when my brother is done getting married, I will do that award for you. (I picture a sausage sitting on a brick, or something equally clever)…
But remind me next week, because I will forget.
Oh, you can start breathing again, if you want. I thought a little oxygen deprivation would help you forget that FORM…
(oh, sorry)
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear pmao,
So you class your brother’s wedding as being more important than making me a Cumberland sausage award? Huh, the cheek of some people!
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. If you’re too busy to come online, I hope you have a great time.
pouringmyartout
/ April 25, 2012Thanks.
Ink. [Anette]
/ April 25, 2012Forms sucks. They have eyes. And ears too. Yikes!
P.S. http://anettehermann.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/let-it-shine-a-present-to-all-my-followers/
If your inner Slutty Dotty want’s a bit of sunshine, head over to my blog. I’m sharing sunshine to everyone who leaves a little comment
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Anette,
I left you a Like and I sunbathed for a while.
Love Dotty xxx
Ink. [Anette]
/ April 25, 2012Does that mean Slutty Award Dotty want’s a lil’ thing?
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Anette,
Thank you, but no. I’ve been offered that little Sunshine thing a few times and I’ve said no to each – I want funny little things that people make themselves. But thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
Ink. [Anette]
/ April 25, 2012Allright Dotty. Thanks for supporting my revolution
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear Anette,
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ April 25, 2012Grumpy Dotty
Feeling spitey
Filled up her
Fucking forms
With shitey.
Mailed them in
With curses Dottery,
And won the Cumbie
Sausage lottery!
FUBAR generally means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, originally applied by engineers to a simple ideas made unnecessarily complex.
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 25, 2012Dear Dags,
Dopey Dotty cannot think
cos the FUCKING FORM
has made her brain shrink.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S.
Hellosailor
/ April 25, 2012Dear Dotty,
You should teach Dottish lessons and charge money for the privledge. I know I would pay good money to learn Dottish. It could go towards your cannon fund. And more Cumberland sausages.
Love HS xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear HS,
£100 per hour. When do we start?
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dotty,
Well I just got paid today…….
Love HS xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear HS,
Shall we say seven hours a week to start with?
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ April 27, 2012Dear Dotty,
Will there be an exam at the end? Seven hours a week sounds reasonable. I like the number seven
Love HS xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear HS,
Yes, the exam lasts for 2 weeks and it takes place in Jamaica (all my expenses will have to be met).
Love Dotty xxx
Maggie O'C
/ April 25, 2012I love your writing. Sorry about the form. I love forms. I can’t not fill in forms.
FUBAR is a relative of SNAFU and I think they both originated in the US Army during WWII.
xoxoxox
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear Maggie,
I know where to send any future forms – watch your letterbox, they’ll be arriving thick and fast.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am sick of filling out forms… I have to do it ALL THE TIME at work… I am thinking I need to start filling them in incorrectly.
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear the howler and me,
It’s always puzzled me why Americans fill out forms and we fill them in. Hmmm.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dotty,
Funny, I didn’t even notice that. Hmmmmm.
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear the howler and me,
Hmmmm.
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dotty,
Wait a minute….I can ask for an interpreter too ( now that you’ve put the idea in my head..lol)….I speak DOTTISH and believe me it aint nothing like English or Americansk. These pills have developed their own demented language of their own. I like that…DOTTISH.
But I also like forms and filling them out because I feel superior to the form creator and I like to catch them in grammatical errors. I also like to yell at the form and question the sanity of the form creator. It’s the highlight of my day. Unfortunately I also tend to leave my forms in piles on the table and forget about them until it’s too late and then they call me on the phone wanting to know if I received their form or if I am dead or some other gobbledy gook. Stupid people!
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Dottish is the very best language except sometimes when I can’t understand what I’m saying – but now I know you speak it too I can ask you, ‘Dorothy, what am I saying?’ and you can interpret for me.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ April 26, 2012I don’t ‘like’ this post, I ‘LOVE’ this post! So original, inventive, entertaining, hysterical!
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear Swordy,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ April 26, 2012Dear Dotty, Honey,
Congratulations for toughing that out! I have ignored forms that make the difference between Medicaid and no coverage at all!
Good for you!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ April 27, 2012Dear Judith,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx