Look, No Hands – A Post Written By My Elbows

 

I’m going to type today’s post with my elbows because my fingers don’t have anything to say.

 

vria,g aas  is rjugkdouw8jgt476js9yusnm lk s   v awimfqp ufat8u44q90JINIO8Y6RR4EWEFCD  GJN [P[P;LLOI MUO

 

Nope, elbows don’t work.

My laptop doesn’t like it - it won’t stop shouting at me in it’s pingy little laptop voice.

Right elbow knocked me back a page and I had to try again

then one of them brought up my Favourites list

then a big sound options box thing came up and I don’t know what the fuck it was but it looked complicated

then I gave up.

 

 

Ah — wait a minute – look, look – it worked, my elbows wrote something.

ufat8

a message from my elbows

the first ever known message from elbows

like the first communication from aliens

this is a sign.

I don’t know what it’s a sign OF but it’s a sign.

 

ufat8

 

u = me

fat = fat

8 = a picture of what my elbows think I look like

 

oh

 

 

OH

 

 

MY ELBOWS ARE BULLYING ME

THEY HATE ME

THEY WANT TO KILL ME

THE POINTY FUCKERS ARE PLOTTING

 

what are they plotting?

 

what?

 

i don’t know but i bet if they could reach my eyes they’d poke and poke at them and try to poke them out like my eyelashes do when they’re trying to kill me

i cut my eyelashes off

can i cut my elbows off?

how?

i can’t cut them off, can i?

i could do ONE but if i did ONE i’d leave myself defenceless against THE OTHER ONE.

 

 

 

what do i do, what do i do?

 

 

 

i know

 

i’m going to strap them to my knees

my knees are my friends

they’ve NEVER tried to kill me

they’ve never bullied me

they’ve never called me names

they’ve never tried to poke my eyes out

or strangle me

or suffocate me

or anything

my knees will SAVE ME

 

right, i’m going to strap them now

 

 

 

 

haha   elbows

try an kill me now bastards

you can;t can you

 

 

i have to go its hard to type

 

 

Leave a comment

34 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    Just give those unruly elbows a stern talkin’ to and let them loose… strapping them to your knees is going to become uncomfortable at some point…

    They have these elbow covers for babies that have had facial surgery… they keep their elbows from bending and because of that they cannot touch their face… perhaps this is an option?

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  2. clownonfire

     /  April 27, 2012

    Dotty,
    This was brilliant. You and David Dixon are in a league of your own, whatever your elbows might say.
    Le Clown

    Reply
  3. Your elbows are just mad because you can not lick them yourself. Buy them some aloe vera and all will be forgiven.

    Reply
  4. Dotty. I think I love you.

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    You are a nut, and that’s a good thing!

    Love you,

    Judith

    Reply
  6. My elbows have it in for me too.

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,
    But what if your left elbow is the nice one? Maybe you should let that one speak before silencing it for good.
    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  8. Dear me, Ms. Headbanger! It appears your elbows have joined the dreadly throng of the Hein! Fear not. Your elbows have just made an enemy in Mr. Sterling Silva. I’ll try to avoid rapping your funny bone whilst I do battle.

    Reply
    • Dear Mr Silva,

      Oh, thank you, Mr Silva, you don’t know how pleased I am that my elbows have an enemy that isn’t me. You ARE a gentleman – I don’t normally believe men who SAY they’re gentlemen, it’s a BIG LIE, they’re usually sadistic bastards with disgraceful manners.

      Yours adoringly,
      Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Grumpy

     /  April 28, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Priceless!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  10. bpshielsy

     /  April 29, 2012

    I tried to click on this thinking it was a link!

    vria,g aas is rjugkdouw8jgt476js9yusnm lk s v awimfqp ufat8u44q90JINIO8Y6RR4EWEFCD GJN [P[P;LLOI MUO

    I have nothing else to say.

    Reply
  11. Don’t worry Dotty. After a careful third reading, I’ve discovered that your elbows have contradicted themselves. First, they accused you of being fat, but shortly thereafter, you referred to them as “pointy fuckers”. It’s a well known fact that fat people’s elbows are not “pointy”, but are in fact “doughy” or “plump”, not unlike a Cumberland sausage with a bend in the middle of its chubby, succulent body. So, while it is entirely possible that the lying fuckers have bad intentions, their opinion of you being rotund are unfounded. Keep an eye on them, they’re not to be trusted.

    Reply
    • Dear 1point,

      Thank you for your reassurance, 1point, it’s most gratefully received by ME but not by my elbows – I’ve just spent the last five minutes trying to stop them from elbowing your gravatar and now my laptop won’t stop crying.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. I am going to type a post without using my arms and legs at all… but it is going to take a while..

    Reply

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