Moody Monday – Can I Borrow Your Teleporter, Please?

 

After a wild weekend of pelting rainy rain and cold windy wind, the sun is shining, the temperature is up a bit and this morning feels like Spring. And I want to go and see my MEMORIAL BENCH

(CLICK HERE FOR MEMORIAL BENCH POST)

but I can’t because there’s no one to take me.

What I need, more than anyone in the history of the world has ever ever needed anything, is a TELEPORTER. Do any of you have one I can borrow? Please? It doesn’t have to be a fancy one with loads of dials and knobs and bells and whistles, all I want it to do is WHOOOOSH me up to my MEMORIAL BENCH and take me back home again when I get cold.

I WANT TO GO OUT

but to go out means PEOPLE and to go out with the aim of getting to my MEMORIAL BENCH where there are NO PEOPLE I’d have to encounter LOTS OF PEOPLE and I can’t do that because I have PEOPLE PHOBIA and then I’d have to get home again from my MEMORIAL BENCH where there are NO PEOPLE which means encountering LOTS OF PEOPLE once again, so it’s not just ONCE I’d have to encounter LOTS OF PEOPLE, it’s TWICE.

TELEPORTER.

Can I borrow it?

Or an INVISIBILITY CLOAK?

Like I’ve said before, the only person I know with an INVISIBILITY CLOAK is Harry Potter and I’m STILL writing and writing to the SCROOGEY LITTLE SCROTE but he won’t reply to my emails. WHY? He doesn’t NEED his INVISIBILITY CLOAK any more, why won’t he let me have it? That’s what being a fucking child celebrity brat has done for him, gone straight to his HEAD and given him DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR like he’s the GODKING OF ALL FILMS AND OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD when really he couldn’t act his way out of a soggy paper bag. DICKHEAD.

So can I borrow your TELEPORTER, please?

I won’t break it. I’ll look after it.

I’ll make you a HEAP of Cumberland sausage sandwiches.

And I’ll let you have ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM ANY OF MY COLLECTIONS (except my books).

AND you’ll be the FIRST and ONLY person in Bloggyland to SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE and to COME INSIDE MY HOUSE where you can wait for me to come back and if you get bored you could have a little flick round with the duster to keep you occupied.

PLEASE?

PRETTY PLEASE?

PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON IT?

PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON IT AND A CHERRY ON TOP?

 

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53 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    Please accept my offer of the TARDIS. The Chameleon Circuit is broken, she’s a stubborn cow but she gets you places and is beautiful.

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      THANK YOU. :-)

      Is she reliable though? You make her sound a bit dodgy, and I don’t want to end up somewhere POPULATED WITH PEOPLE.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        She always takes her occupants to where they *need* to be. I can promise that you will find yourself somewhere completely unpopulated by people.

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        Excellent, thank you.
        Can you come NOW?

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. I’d lend you mine but I haven’t seen it since Jeff Goldblum borrowed it, some time in the 80s. Funnily enough, when I try and call him I just get a strange buzzing on the line!

    Reply
    • Dear Darren,

      Thank you for the thought. These big film stars are selfish twats, they think they deserve ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING even if it belongs to someone else. Fuckers.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Grumpy

     /  April 30, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I haven’t got a TARDIS but I do have a clapped out old PEUGEOT diesel.
    Will that suffice?
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  4. I think you need an exact replica of the Memorial Bench for your house.

    Reply
    • Dear Chris,

      You might be right but I’m not forking out for another one, it cost too much. I might as well get someone to bring mine back for all the good it’s doing up there.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    You know I would let you use mine — anytime — but it is currently on loan to the original Star Trek series. They want desperately to transport some of the cool effects from TNG, and fit them into the show. (It won’t work!) It’s kind of like when George Lucas went back and added all those ridiculous “improvements” to Star Wars. And Jabba the Hut was much nastier when we hadn’t seen him — now that he’s in SW4, he isn’t threatening, he looks like a big lump of shit. Anyway, I’m sorry you can’t use it now, but when I get it back from the ST guys, (who traveled through time to get it, by slingshooting around the sun, after which they landed in a park in San Francisco…wait a minute, wrong IV movie.) Good luck finding one for today!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  6. free penny press

     /  April 30, 2012

    Oh boy, my flying power pack is broken or I’d send it across the pond for you to use.

    Sorry Miss Dotty!!

    Reply
    • Dear fpp,

      Thank you. A flying power pack – I hadn’t thought of that, I’ll look on Ebay to see if any are going cheap.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. Carr Party of Five

     /  April 30, 2012

    Hold on Dotty!!! I’m coming!!! I’m bringing diet coke…big sunglasses..and a taser for anyone who gets too close. P.s. I do have a gassy dog I could schlep along too. He has a people clearing affect. P.s.s. I’ll bring gas masks for us. Xoxo

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    I have a time machine. That could probably work. Will that help?

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      It might – but then again it might not. What if it took me back to BEFORE I put my MEMORIAL BENCH on the moor? Or what if it takes me into the future and there’s a Starbucks there instead of my MEMORIAL BENCH?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    Can it be brown sugar? That’s all I’ll have.
    Love xoxoxxx

    Reply
    • Dear PAZ,

      No, thank you, I don’t like brown sugar.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        That’s a damn shame then, ’cause I was gonna let you use my wheelchair which is secretly a tele-porter. L used to tell me we should have tube technology for transportation. I wholeheartedly agree. Why don’t you visit your government douches and lawmakers and petition for teleporter technology to be sped up? Oh, but that would cause more people phobia wouldn’t it? FUCK.
        Love xoxoxxx

      • Dear PAZ,

        I wonder if I could get one on prescription?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • p.s. I no longer need brown sugar for my coffee anyway. :p Somehow, a latte bag magically appeared in the kitchen… mmmmm….

      • Dear PAZ,

        I’m trying to visualise a latte bag. Is it like a teabag but filled with milky coffee – but how does the milk not escape through the little holes?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        It wasn’t that good. It is in a bag, but the bag has no holes like tea bags do. It’s just latte powdered stuff with powdered milk and instant coffee powder and you tear off the end of the little bag and pour it into your mug that’s full of hot water. You then just stir it with a spoon or a stick or your finger if you’re a masochist like I am.

        I had to add extra coffee just to finish it because it was just not good. Blegh

        Love xoxoxxx

        p.s. I have no idea how you can get a wheelchair in Britain. I got mine from a scholarship to university. I know, isn’t that cool? The Christian Science church gave me money to go to school AND a new wheelchair. Too bad I’ll never be a Christian Scientist ever again…

      • Dear PAZ,

        It sounds horrible. I hate herbal teas – they smell lovely when they’re steeping but they taste NASTY. I think wheelchairs are provided by the NHS – I know someone whose son has cerebral palsy and he has a Stephen Hawkin type chair the NHS provided, but I’m not sure if they’re given to everyone who needs them.

        Love Dotty xxx

  10. I want to be like you when I grow up, so I added you to my blogroll.

    Reply
    • Dear Ezra,

      I’ve already told you, DO NOT AIM TO BECOME A HERMIT (unless you have a lot of money and can do as you please while you pay others to skivvy around for you, then it’s okay).

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. thank you for putting me on your blogroll (I hope that wasn’t supposed to say bogroll? If you want to add yourself to Dotty’s Pet Blogs just go to the page and do it).

      Reply
    • Dear Maggie,

      What is that big link? I’m scared to click on it in case it blows up my laptop.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. You can’t trick Dotty with those awards, just like you can’t beat Dotty with Kate Bush songs. :-)

      Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,
    If I had a teleporter, I would let you borrow it. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to procure one yet….although it is probably a good thing I don’t have one (at least for me)… since then my family would expect me to visit more.

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  12. I have a tele-phone… and I once rode on a train that had a porter…

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,
    I could come to England and visit? In person? Let me see which of my own collection of immigrants (you know, the kind who want visas to visit my godforsaken country) has the means to develop this teleporter you wish for. I think Stephen King should be involved, although I’m not sure what his role will be, certainly not that of translator – perhaps Harry could assist him with the role bit, but there’s something here for him…
    Will get back with you.
    Love,
    MM, just teleported back 6 hours behind you.

    Reply
    • Dear Magic,

      I’ve always wanted to visit America – New England especially, no particular reason but that it looks lovely. I’d also like to see Denver, Seattle, Washington, and New York at Christmas. I’d have to go to the hot states in winter, I don’t like heat. Will you let me in? Do you think Stephen King will let me stay with him, I’ve read most of his books?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Yes, we’ll work that out with Stephen, he’s around in Boston all the time, just walking around doing Stephen Kingy stuff.

        I would skip Denver for Pittsburgh – it’s out hidden gem, most Americans don’t even know how very fabulous Pittsburgh is! Plus it’s still up near me!

        Love,
        Magic

      • Dear Magic,

        Pittsburgh it is then. :-)

        Boston – yes, I’d like to go there too. Mostly the cities I’d like to visit are in the North, I don’t know why, probably the humid climate in the South puts me off. Although I do like the men’s accents from Phoenix (I think it’s Phoenix, where Medium is set). :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  14. Dear Maggie,

    Thank you very much, but I don’t collect this type of award, I only collect EXCLUSIVE, NEWLY CREATED awards.
    But thank you for thinking of me. :-)

    Love Dotty xxx

    Reply
  15. I have your award! How do I give it to you?

    Reply
  16. Dear Maggie,

    Post it on your site with whatever rules or conditions you want to set and I’ll come and get it. :-)

    Love Dotty xxx

    Reply
  1. It’s a Sunshine Day! « Someone Fat Happened

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