It’s Bank Holiday Monday and it’s raining as it always does on a Bank Holiday, if it didn’t rain on a Bank Holiday the sky would cave in and we’d all die. But this morning it wasn’t raining, it was sunny and bright and the sun must have done something to my brain because suddenly I SAW THE TRUE STATE OF MY HOUSE - the carpets and lino need hoovered/washed/swept; the cupboards, the cooker, the washer, the dryer, the fridge, the freezer, the doors, the skirtings need washed down; EVERYTHING needs dusted; the bathroom needs a scrub - the WHOLE HOUSE needs a clean, it’s fucking bogging, it’s like A DIRTY TRAMP’S HOUSE. Most years I’ll have already spring-cleaned everything by this time but sometimes, like this year, I don’t notice how manky it’s become even though I’m here all the time until BAM – a little light goes on in my head and I see it all.
Not that I don’t occasionally notice it building up. If I’m walking from the living room to the kitchen I’ll sometimes see the dust at the edges of the hallway carpet and (detachedly and fleetingly) think to myself ‘Ooooo, that’s disgusting, someone should clean that,’ but the second I stop looking at it, poof, any thought of it’s gone from my head, disappeared like it’s never been, and I forget all about it until next time I happen to notice it.
I should be gearing myself up to do a spring clean but I can’t – there’s SO MUCH TO DO. I tried reading my own advice on housework (see Dotty Does Her Housework) to see if I made any sense, and yes I do make sense, prioritising is what you should do if it’s all a bit too overwhelming and you don’t know where to start – but how do I prioritise what needs to go on the PRIORITY LIST? And where do I find the motivation to do a list in the first place? And where have I put the notepad I use for lists, the long one with different coloured pages? Because if I can’t find it I can’t write a list because LISTS HAVE TO BE WRITTEN IN THE LIST NOTEPAD. And how do I remember why the fuck I was looking for my list notepad to begin with?
And that’s before I get started on the intolerable noise level of the Dyson and the fact that it’ll be PURE AND UTTER TORTURE for me to use it for the time it would take to clean the carpets.
And look at the state of the garden!!!!
It’s all too complicated, too, too complicated.
I’m glad it’s raining like it should on a Bank Holiday – the world is nice and dull again.
What was I writing about?
Dorothy
/ May 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, AND ,YES!!!!! That’s all I kept saying Dotty. Why does it have to be so hard??????? You sound exactly like me except multiply that by four other people making the messes. That’s why I can do one room well and I keep doing it over and over and people call me obsessive. Well, I HAVE TO BE!! YOU KEEP MESSING IT UP!!!! I have at least three rooms that I absolutely never let anyone go into if they come here because they are disgraceful….no, make that four. Because I don’t know how to start. Maybe hiring a big dumpster and throwing everything into it and having it all go away would be a beginning. Oh, it’s just a fantasy. When the giant meteor strikes and kills us a clean house won’t matter, will it? Have a few Cumberland Sausage sandwiches and the hell with it! Enjoy the day!
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Dorothy,
I’d like to have everything thrown away, but then I WOULDN’T LIKE IT because they’re my precious things, but when you only have a little house like mine where do you put it all? I moved into this three-bedroomed house (well, two bedrooms and a tiny box room) from a big four-bedroomed house and even though I threw away LOADS AND LOADS AND LOADS of stuff I still can’t fit in what I want to keep. And all the stuff makes it harder to clean because where do you shift it too when you don’t have any spare space?
Love Dotty
P.S. Yes, I WILL have some Cumberland sausage sandwiches. And I hope you have a good day too.
Roly
/ May 7, 2012Unticked thanks. Is there a name for tick phobia? ( acarophobia …… is the fear of insect ticks, but it’ll do) I think I’ve got it
Dust if you really, really, really must
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Roly,
Acarophobia – I could get a phobia about that word, it’s too much like ‘arachnaphobia or agaraphobia’ – is there a name for the fear of words?
Love Dotty xxx
68ghia
/ May 7, 2012Block unticked…
I have just as many things to do – thinking of which notebook to use for the list…Have a few of those hanging around
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear 68,
Me too, but I can’t do lists in my black A5 soft-backed, spiral-bound notebooks. That would be WRONG.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ May 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
You’ll figure it all out eventually!
Is there one task you could do today? Like dusting the living room, or sweeping the kitchen? And then STOP. Even if you want to keep working, don’t do it. The next time you want to do something, if you want, do two, but only one is necessary.
I’m glad the rain came out, so you don’t have to look at that bright light all day!
Love you,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Judith,
Last week I tried writing a list of jobs that would take 5 minutes each – sweeping the kitchen floor and hoovering one room at a time were included, and I thought I’d do 3 of those things every day and then at the end of the week I’d have done something at least. But I got as far as putting about seven 5 min tasks on the list and then I put it somewhere and forgot about it till the sun shone this morning.
I’ll try your suggestion tomorrow.
Love Dotty xxx
joehoover
/ May 7, 2012Rainy here Dotty so I cleaned the house. Then I had a beer and that made me fall asleep. What to do next though…
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Joe,
You know what I’m going to say — pop up North and clean mine. The trains are fast these days.
Love Dotty xxx
joehoover
/ May 7, 2012I have to go to Telford Thursday, is that North enough? I’m gonna take some of the water you are all hoarding
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Joe,
Telford isn’t NORTH – it’s Midlands if anything. I live in the PROPER North, the wild and woolly hinterland of West Yorkshire where the water flows through our hosepipes like wee through an alky’s bladder pipes.
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ May 7, 2012Dear dotty!
I take breaks from studying to read your blogs! They save my brain from rotting!
Love.
Habiba.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Habiba,
I’m glad I can help save your brain from rotting – mine’s too far gone to be saved.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ May 7, 2012Ah yes, Dotty, the horrid new system…thanks for the reminder. Yes, nothing like a bit of sunshine for making one want to move to somewhere cleaner!
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear Daniel,
Grubby, grubby England. It all needs a good wash.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ May 7, 2012You are just blowing off steam to put off cleaning your house. Get a grip, woman!
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear pmao,
I do my blog every day to avoid cleaning my house. It works.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ May 7, 2012Oh, right. I have to do both… sigh…
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear pmao,
Oh well, some of us are just blessed with the luck of the TRAMPS.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ May 7, 2012OK. ??? …
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear pmao,
Tramps = bums (?) but in proper English that would have meant I’d have said ‘blessed with the luck of the bums’ and I DO NOT WANT TO BE BLESSED WITH THE LUCK OF BUMS’ because bums are arses and that would NOT BE NICE FOR ME.
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ May 7, 2012Exactly yuppers. Now you know I may have to stop reading your posts if you intend to keep writing about cleaning and gardening and other chorey chores!
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 7, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
I don’t intend to. It was an abberation. Cleaning and shite like that never usually enter my sphere of consciousness.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ May 7, 2012Yeah, ‘Poof!’ and I don’t remember seeing it — really Dotty, that’s the way to resolve it! I thought I should do a little hoovering myself but — bah! Thanks for the ‘untick’ reminder! Have a great day!
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear Swordy,
You too, although it’s right on the dot of midnight here so it’s tomorrow now.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ May 7, 2012I forgot what I was going to say…the big yelling at me to uncheck the box scared the shit out of me……….
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear Brick,
Did it work though? Did you untick it?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ May 8, 2012I am an obedient servant…so yes!
the howler and me
/ May 8, 2012Dear Dotty,
I did enough cleaning for the both of us this weekend….
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear the howler and me,
Oh yes, you did. I don’t have to do any then.
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ May 8, 2012Dear Dotty,
Might I suggest you collect an American Motivational Speaker? They’re really obnoxious & you would clean, clean & clean some more just to get them the fuck out of your house. Are we allowed to say ‘fuck’ on your page?
Love,
Magic
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear Magic,
If they’re so horrible I don’t want one.
Yes, you can say fuck to your heart’s content. Go and have a click on the evil doll, Jemima and you’ll see how fucky we are around here.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ May 8, 2012I have six little notebooks of different sizes. Each one is the repository of different notes, Important Ideas, Potentially Important Ideas, writing topics, lists, etc. When I need to make a To Do list and can’t find my General Purpose Little Notebook, I refuse to write the list in one of the other notebooks because that would defile their integrity. Hence, I seldom get anything done. Thank God, I am not alone.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear Dags,
It mystifies me how people will write anything and everything in any notebook that comes to hand. What’s wrong with them? They must be mental.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ May 8, 2012And another thing: When I write a comment on your blog, it puts up a message that my comment is awaiting your moderation. But you are not a moderate person. So, perhaps the message should read “Your comment is awaiting immoderation?”
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 8, 2012Dear Dags,
I’m the most moderate person I know.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ May 8, 2012Only immoderate people characterize themselves as moderate — a well known fact. The End. Don’t talk back.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 9, 2012Dear Dags,
I eat Cumberland sausages in moderation.
I eat McCain’s Chippy Chips in moderation.
I take my laudanum in moderation.
I take my beta-blockers in moderation.
I drink Diet Coke in moderation.
I drink Absinthe in moderation.
I collect things in moderation.
I could go on and on and on.
In what way am I immoderate?
I moderate the word count in my posts.
I moderate the word count in my comments.
I moderate my use of smiley faces.
I moderate the amount of times I say FUCK.
I moderate the amount of times I say SHITE.
I moderate my time with my brick.
I moderate the times I phone Dibble to tell them something they don’t know.
I moderate how much time I spend looking out of the window for white vans.
I moderate my singing.
I moderate how much I sleep.
I moderate how much I don’t sleep.
I AM MODERATE.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ May 9, 2012You’ve won me over with your moderation of my comment and the moderacity of your arguments. It was severely immoderate of me to think otherwise.
Dotty Headbanger
/ May 9, 2012Dear Dags,
Yes, it was. Now I’ll go and moderate some more comments moderately.
Love Dotty xxx