Dotty The Mental Mystic – Horoscopical Characteristics Of Your Star Sign


I thought it’s about time I revealed my mystical talents to you all (y’all) so today’s post is going to be about the characteristics of your star sign.

I’ll begin with Cancer the Crab because I’m Cancer the Crab and I want to start with ME.




4th sign of the zodiac

Element – Water

Ruling planet – The mOOn

Cancer the Crab is the star sign of the true She-Hermit / Hermit. Ruled completely by our ruling planet the Moon, it’s in our nature to retreat, to hide from the big, scary world in the cosy confinement of our shells. Cancer the Crabs are perfectionists, introverts, thinkers, sensitive to the extreme. We’re instinctive and cautious, secretive and sentimental. We’re deeply complex which is why nobody else can understand us and also why We Who Are Mental are more than likely to have been born under the sign of Cancer the Crab than any other sign (lunatic/lunar – it’s all connected). Also, Cancer the Crab is the most caring sign, the most intelligent sign, the most creative sign, the most charismatic sign – I could go on and on, but I wouldn’t want to give anyone anyone an inferiority complex. We can’t help it if we are blessed.

If we could just overcome our shyness we could RULE THE WORLD and believe me, the world would be a kinder place if it was ruled by Cancer the Crabs.




5th sign of the zodiac

Element – Fire

Ruling planet – The Sun

I’m scared of Leo the Lions. They’re growly, they have big teeth and long fingernails, and they also have a LOT of hair on their heads, usually golden blonde. Growly, blonde, claw-fingered Leo the Lions are TERRIFYING, a mixture of unpredictable aggressiveness and (not that I’m hairist or anything) worrying stupidity. They’re proud, arrogant, bossy, vain flashy show-offs, and they eat zebras and big game hunters.

Hairdressers and cannibalistic psycho rippers are born under the sign of Leo the Lion.




6th sign of the zodiac

Element – Earth

Ruling planet – Mercury

Virgo the Virgins are not virgins, it’s all a trick to make everyone else believe they’re sweet and innocent. I used to know a Virgo the Virgin, she was a right slag, she had more men than the Grand Old Duke of York —

hang on a minute, I need a little sing -


♬ ♪♪ Ohhhh, the Grand Old Duke of York,

He had ten thousand men,

He marched them up to the top of the hill

And he marched them down again.

And when they were up they were up,

And when they were down they were down,

And when they were only half way up

They were neither up nor down. ♪♪♬


That’s better.

Prostitutes (male and female) and porn people are Virgo the Virgins.




7th sign of the zodiac

Element – Air

Ruling planet – Venus

I like Libra the Scales. It’s a nice sign. If you need someone to play mediator find a Libra the Scales and they’ll sort it all out in two ticks. Those born under the sign of Libra the Scales are charming, graceful, civilised, well-balanced, sophisticated, elegant, level-headed and full of justice. They’re also good with numbers.

Diplomats, judges, tax fiddlers and boxing referees are all Libra the Scales.




8th sign of the zodiac

Element – Water

Ruling planet – Pluto

Once a Scorpio the Scorpion gets its pincers into you it’ll NEVER let you go. Jealous and possessive, Scorpio the Scorpion is relentless, broody, intense, determined and while they will often be loyal to their loved ones, mostly they’ll want to control them – try to escape and you’ll feel their STING.

All stalkers are Scorpio the Scorpions. And that nutter in Sleeping With The Enemy, he was a Scorpio the Scorpion. And the bunny boiler in Fatal Attraction, she was a Scorpio the Scorpion. BEWARE OF SCORPIO THE SCORPIONS.




9th sign of the zodiac

Element – Fire

Ruling planet – Jupiter

My brother Scotty is a Sagittarius the Archer. He’s an excellent dead-shot with all weapons, BAM and you’re gone. If you’ve read my posts about him you’ll know he’s an adventurous, optimistic extrovert. He’s also generous, spirited and straight forward. But he can be unstoppable if there’s something he wants to know, or to do and that doesn’t always go well for Cancer the Crabs.

Assassins and Mercenaries (Scotty!!) are born under the sign of Sagittarius the Archer.




10th sign of the zodiac

Element – Earth

Ruling planet – Saturn

Meine Mami is Capricorn the Goat. Bleat, bleat, bleat. She is stubborn and reserved and conventional, but she can also be impulsive, like when she fucked off around the world without telling anyone.

Capricorn the Goats are organised and efficient, classy and materialistic. They are also persevering and patient in the way that Satan patiently perseveres as he waits for souls. Speaking of Satan, he’s often represented as a goat which means he must be a Capricorn the Goat.

Satyrs and devils are born under the sign of Capricorn the Goat. So are goats.




11th sign of the zodaic

Element – Air

Ruling planet – Uranus

Aquarius the Water Bearer is an Air sign so why are they carrying water around with them when the water could be put to better use by a Fire sign like Sagittarius the Archer which, logically, should be an Air sign because their arrows whizz through Air not Fire? I think there’s been a mix-up.

Aquarius the Water Bearers have lots of embarrassing bladder problems. They are the main purchasers of wee-wee pads (Mori poll says 99.9% of Tena Lady customers are born under the sign of Aquarius the Water Bearer). They also enjoy their alcohol a bit more than the other signs do.

All camels are Aquarius the Water Bearers.

N.B. Aquarius the Water Bearers who are Southerners are BANNED FROM COMING UP NORTH while they’re under the hosepipe ban.




12th sign of the zodiac

Element – Water

Ruling planet – Neptune

HELLO FISHY-FISHY! Pisces the Fish are nice. They’re sensitive and dreamy and they’re wonderful swimmers but all that messing about in water can make their skin a bit peely and scaley which means they should always use a decent moisturiser. Pisces the Fish have odd lips – some call it a trout pout but ‘trout pout’ isn’t really an accurate description of the lips of ALL Pisces the Fish, some have a STICKLEBACK POUT, or a GUPPY POUT or any number of other pouts – for all the different species of fish there is a different type of pout so try not to label someone’s pout as a trout pout before you know for sure that it IS a trout pout or you could cause offence.

Deep sea divers, swimming instructors etc etc are all Pisces the Fish.

N.B. Never give a Pisces the Fish a fish finger sandwich.




1st sign of the zodiac

Element – Fire

Ruling planet – Mars

Aries the Ram is the fiery sheep of Hell. My sister Lottie is an Aries the Ram but it’s possible she was born on the cusp of some other sign because she was never any good at our headbutting competitions (she still isn’t, I always win). Behind her nice woolly exterior she’s argumentative and aggressive and she’s got those starey ‘I’m going to eat you’ sheep eyes that follow you everywhere you go even when she isn’t looking at you. Aries the Rams are highly active – if one of them ever starts chasing you, run like the wind because they’re agile fuckers and won’t stop until they catch and eat you.

All sheepdogs are born under the sign of Aries the Ram.




2nd sign of the zodiac

Element – Earth

Ruling planet – Venus

This is another sign I like. Taurus the Bull can be a bit gung-ho in what they do, a bit bull-headed and stubborn, a bit clumsy and uncoordinated. They crash their way through life like… (no, I refuse to write the cliche). But they’re also loyal and down to earth, practical and reliable. I know a Taurus the Bull soldier who is kind and generous and loyal. One thing to remember about Taurus the Bulls is they have a RED PHOBIA – if they see anything red they will GORE IT. Also, Taurus the Bulls don’t suit red so never ask them to wear it, it looks awful on them.

Soldiers and rugby players are Taurus the Bulls.




3rd sign of the zodiac

Element – Air

Ruling planet – Mercury

I’ve saved the worst till last. Listen to me, Gemini  the Twins – the clue is in your name – TWINS – but not all of you ARE twins, I’ve known a few Gemini the Twins who haven’t got a twin. Why? What did you do to them?

I don’t like Gemini the Twins, they’re two-faced fuckers who’ll stab you in the back before you can say ‘shared placenta.’ They have the gift of the gab, they can talk their way out of ANYTHING. My dead husband, ex-Simon was a Gemini the Twins. Enough said.

All politicians are Gemini the Twins. So are my neighbour’s cats.


Leave a comment


  1. You really, really, really don’t want me to follow you, do you? Not only am I a Gemini, I am also left-handed, left-eyed, left-armed and left-footed. Beware, Ms. Head-Banger, really, really, really beware!

    • Dear paralaxvu,


      Love Dotty xxx

      p.s. Are you left-eared?

      • OMG, how did you guess? Not only that, but I wear glasses, so I’m four-eyed!

      • Dear paralaxvu,

        It’s my psychic abilities, I know everything. And I’m always right. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. So do you still have that Virgo-girl’s phone number?
    Ha,just kidding.
    I am an Aries, just so you know…
    15,000 words… really? When did you find time to eat sausages???

    • Dear pmao,

      Aries, like Lottie. Are you any good at headbutting things?

      I wrote it this afternoon in between eating my Cumberland sausage sandwiches at dinnertime and then again at teatime (I’m Northern, posh Southerners say ‘lunchtime’ for dinnertime and ‘dinnertime’ for teatime but they’re wrong).

      Love Dotty xxx

  3. Yay! This is fantastic Dotty! No wonder I’m … What does gung-ho mean?

  4. Dorothy

     /  May 8, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    LMAO…….Well, I am a Leo. I can attest to being bossy, and unpredictably aggressive on occasion but I am a vegamaterian so no zebras for me. I am also on the cusp of Virgo which I won’t say a thing about. Less said the better. Lets say a Leo/Virgo mix makes for an interesting party even if no one else attends.

    True, what you said about Cancers being sensitive, introverts…my daughter dated one for a few years and thankfully left him. He drove me nuts. Too wishy washy.

    Anyway, a very enjoyable posting. Brought a good laugh to me and I needed that tonight, thanks!
    Love Dorothy

    • Dear Dorothy,

      Thank you, I’m glad you had a laugh.

      Cancerians aren’t wishy washy – we’re just very cautious, especially if there’s a Leo around. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dear Dotty,
    I don’t think I am a fiery sheep from HELL. I don’t need to be herded, I am not the type to chase ya down and eat ya… nope… I may be an Aries… but I sure as hell ain’t like that…
    -the howler and me

    • Dear the howler and me,

      Lottie is. She used to chase me across the moors when she wore her white mohair jumper. And she said ‘Bah, Dotty,’ all the time. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

  6. You know who’s a Taurus the Bull? Sausage. He is definitely clumsy and uncoordinated. He walks like he is drunk all the time, and he falls down a lot.

  7. Dear Dotty,

    These are much more informative than the usual astrological profiles. I’m a Capricorn, the sign of satyrs and devils. Now I understand why people keep teling me to go to hell. It all makes sense. Thank you.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

  8. Dear Miss Dotty Darling – I’m a goat. Maybe that’s why I have a devil on both shoulders! I’m doomed! Doomed!



  9. My father is Cancerian, my mother Aquarius. They lasted twelve years before getting divorced (totally mismatched, don’t understand how on earth they got together).

    My sister is Leo and I’m a Sagi.

    Mine was a very fraught childhood, for obvious reasons.

    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      Oh my, poor you – a Leo for a sister. I thought having an Aries was hard.

      Love Dotty xxx

      • Yes. Two highly-strung, demanding, ambitious fire signs with tempers from the very pit of Hades. Not a great combo!

        Funnily enough we are great friends now that we’re both ancient and living on the opposite sides of the country to each other.

        Thankfully D is a Cappie, and perfect for grounding the wandering soul which is Sagi :)

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        Capricorns are supposed to be the perfect partner for Cancerians too – I used to be engaged to one when I was seventeen, and he was lovely. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        I love my Cappie Tribble too! I once dated a Pisces but he was horrible. I married a fellow Sagi and got divorced, then I married a Gemini. Really bad idea.

        Cappies rock :)

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        Gemini men – promise the earth, moon and stars and when they’ve got you hooked they wander away without a wave. Bastards.

        Love Dotty xxx

  10. Dear Dotty,

    What a terrific post for me to come back to! Sounds like you’ve got all of the signs dead-on, except that I am a Taurus and I look better in red than any other color. In fact, see this post:…or-grown-ups-2/ ‎ to learn how I feel about red!

    • Dear Judith,

      You might have a bit of Aries in you – Mars, Fire – it’s right next door to Taurus.

      Love Dotty xxx

      • I think the stubborn and dumb applies very nicely — I have always been a textbook Taurus, with the exception of that red thing.

        I love caves, and also I collect minerals and semi-precious gemstones. But I also do love the water, and being in the water, and seeing shows about water. In fact, it’s raining here today, and I’m not upset!

        Still was a great post!



      • Dear Judith,

        To say I’m a water sign, I can’t swim, water scares me. Not rain though – I used to always go for walks in the rain, I loved it (haven’t done it for a LONG time).

        Love Dotty xxx

  11. Dear Dotty,

    Sorry, Dotty, I got excited and let it slip.

    I forgot to say Love, Judith.



  12. Capricorn here. Brilliant post, I’m sending the Gemini one to my sister

    • Dear Joe,

      She might not thank you. Some people don’t like it when the truth’s pointed out to them. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

  13. i’m a libra. jus’ saying.

  14. Dear Dotty,

    Anyone who eats big-game hunters gets top spot on my list – power to the Leos.

    And I DON’T HAVE FISH LIPS! But thanks for the other compliments.

    You already rule the blogging world.


  15. This is so good I want to steal it but I know if I do, you will hunt me down and hurt me so I won’t but, dammit, this is good.

  16. Hi Dotty,

    I pronounce it “saggy-hairy-tits”.

    Maybe it is this assassin thing that gives people the impression of serial killer when they see/meet me? Thanks for clearing it up. As for the extrovert, I am more introvert, but still a -vert of sorts I suppose. Optimist, as in optimistic pessimist. Always expect the worst and one day it will not be as bad as you expect. I’m quiet the selfish bastard too. Other than that I think you got me pretty spot on.

    - The Dead Guy

    • Dear Dead Guy,

      SAGGY HAIRY TITS — HA HA HA HA HA – brilliant. :-)

      I’m good at this horoscope lark, aren’t I? :-)

      Love Dotty xxx


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