I have to go out tomorrow, for a first hospital appointment with an ENT consultant. I’ve been dreading it but trying to ignore the dread by concentrating on other things like giving Kumblant an opportunity to tell his story (I’ll do a post about how I got to know him soon), and hoping the hospital will do something to take away these never-ending noises in my head, (a child’s high-pitched, eternal scream, a distant choir, and a little chirruping bird I’ve named Spuggy) and do something to stop the Hyperacusis that is FUCKING HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE, but now the day is almost here and it’s TOMORROW AFTERNOON and no amount of laudanum or beta-blockers is stopping the mentals from setting in. So I won’t be here tomorrow and I might not be here on Thursday and I might not be here on Friday because it’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve been to a place FULL OF PEOPLE AND MRSA GERMS and I know when it’s all over and done with I’ll be in post-panic mode, absolutely fucking knackered – sleep, sleep, sleep, empty head full of NOTHING BUT NOISE when I AM awake.
I can’t plan it. I can’t do walk-throughs in my head like I do for the 24 hour Tesco. And at the 24 hour Tesco at 6 o’clock in the morning nobody SPEAKS TO ME but I’m going to have to speak to a strange doctor tomorrow and fuck knows who else. And THE WAITING AREA. I don’t know what it looks like now, it’s years since I’ve been there and they’ve remodelled it all – the last time I was in the broken bones part of the hospital they’d arranged the seats FACING EACH OTHER and I bet they’ve done that in ENT too, and it’ll be PACKED FULL because those places always are and I’ll have to sit in a chair across from SOME STARING FUCKERS and try to stop myself looking mental if I can’t control the panic. Or should I just let my mental come out and it might scare them away? And what if Lottie can’t sit next to me? And what if my voice won’t work and I can’t speak to the doctor? And what if I start CRYING – oh god, god, god.
I don’t want to go, I’d do anything NOT to go – but I NEED to go because all these noises are giving me a NEW KIND OF MENTAL on top of the mentals I already have and I don’t know how much longer I can cope with them. My fridge sounds like a waterfall in my kitchen, the central heating sounds like a motorway running through my house, if I wanted to use the vacuum cleaner I couldn’t, it’s like cleaning the carpet with a helicopter. I can’t get in the shower any more, I have to use the bath. I can’t open my windows when it’s nice because of lawn mowers and strimmers. I can only watch telly for an hour maximum. I could be the fucking machine whisperer, I can hear things machines say that no one else can hear. I HOPE they tell me tomorrow that I’m losing my hearing because to be honest I’d rather hear NOTHING than EVERYTHING AT BEYOND MAXIMUM VOLUME.
I’m going to start getting ready now because tomorrow I’ll forget the things they said I have to take with me (medication, appointment letter).
I’ll be back posting when I’m over the going out shite, but I might come on to catch up on reading your blogs.
Should I just delete this? No, fuck it, I’ll post it.