Dotty Is Dreading Tomorrow And I Might Not Be Here For A Few Days

 

I have to go out tomorrow, for a first hospital appointment with an ENT consultant. I’ve been dreading it but trying to ignore the dread by concentrating on other things like giving Kumblant an opportunity to tell his story (I’ll do a post about how I got to know him soon), and hoping the hospital will do something to take away these never-ending noises in my head, (a child’s high-pitched, eternal scream, a distant choir, and a little chirruping bird I’ve named Spuggy) and do something to stop the Hyperacusis that is FUCKING HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE, but now the day is almost here and it’s TOMORROW AFTERNOON and no amount of laudanum or beta-blockers is stopping the mentals from setting in. So I won’t be here tomorrow and I might not be here on Thursday and I might not be here on Friday because it’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve been to a place FULL OF PEOPLE AND MRSA GERMS and I know when it’s all over and done with I’ll be in post-panic mode, absolutely fucking knackered – sleep, sleep, sleep, empty head full of NOTHING BUT NOISE when I AM awake. 

I can’t plan it. I can’t do walk-throughs in my head like I do for the 24 hour Tesco. And at the 24 hour Tesco at 6 o’clock in the morning nobody SPEAKS TO ME but I’m going to have to speak to a strange doctor tomorrow and fuck knows who else. And THE WAITING AREA. I don’t know what it looks like now, it’s years since I’ve been there and they’ve remodelled it all – the last time I was in the broken bones part of the hospital they’d arranged the seats FACING EACH OTHER and I bet they’ve done that in ENT too, and it’ll be PACKED FULL because those places always are and I’ll have to sit in a chair across from SOME STARING FUCKERS and try to stop myself looking mental if I can’t control the panic. Or should I just let my mental come out and it might scare them away? And what if Lottie can’t sit next to me? And what if my voice won’t work and I can’t speak to the doctor? And what if I start CRYING – oh god, god, god.

I don’t want to go, I’d do anything NOT to go - but I NEED to go because all these noises are giving me a NEW KIND OF MENTAL on top of the mentals I already have and I don’t know how much longer I can cope with them. My fridge sounds like a waterfall in my kitchen, the central heating sounds like a motorway running through my house, if I wanted to use the vacuum cleaner I couldn’t, it’s like cleaning the carpet with a helicopter. I can’t get in the shower any more, I have to use the bath. I can’t open my windows when it’s nice because of lawn mowers and strimmers. I can only watch telly for an hour maximum. I could be the fucking machine whisperer, I can hear things machines say that no one else can hear. I HOPE they tell me tomorrow that I’m losing my hearing because to be honest I’d rather hear NOTHING than EVERYTHING AT BEYOND MAXIMUM VOLUME.

I’m going to start getting ready now because tomorrow I’ll forget the things they said I have to take with me (medication, appointment letter).

I’ll be back posting when I’m over the going out shite, but I might come on to catch up on reading your blogs.

 

 

 

 

Should I just delete this? No, fuck it, I’ll post it.

 

Leave a comment

46 Comments

  1. Dearest Dotty – Hope it all goes well and they’re able to get you some relief. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Love,
    Mental Mama

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    Good luck for your visit to the specialist. And I hope you are not going deaf.
    best wishes,
    f

    Reply
    • Dear Frangipani,

      Thank you. It might seem a strange thing to say but if it was a choice between this and going deaf I’d rather go deaf, I could live with constant silence.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dear Dotty. I wish you well.Am sure everyone will be rooting for you….

    Reply
  4. I don’t see any box to untick….but I’m sending you a big hug. Steady on, girl — you’re very brave, don’t forget to add that to your list of what-to-brings xoxoxo

    Reply
  5. Grumpy

     /  May 15, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I shall be with you in spirit, and thinking of you, tomorrow, and hoping you get through your ordeal and out the other side okay. You can do it babe!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  6. Good luck. Wear a raincoat over your head. It might help.

    Reply
  7. of course post it. good luck. it seems weird clicking “like,” but that’s all there is.

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    Good luck!!!! and take shit loads of hand sanitiser to the hospital, so you don’t have to worry so much about MRSA
    Love HS xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  9. Dorothy

     /  May 15, 2012

    Dear Dotty,

    I wish I could go with you to be some support. I have the same feelings when I have to go places no matter where. I hate the waiting rooms the most for the same reasons. The only sane thing I tell myself is it will pass and I will wake up eventually and it will be over regardless of what happens in between. I also pretend I’m smoking a cigarette even though I quit 11 yrs. ago. it seems to relax me. You’ll be okay. I’ll say a prayer in Dottish because then She might listen realizing it’s important. In the meantime I’ll be thinking of you and hoping they’re able to bring you some relief. Screw the housework and go relax.

    Love Dorothy

    Reply
  10. Good luck, and hope it’s not too terrible an ordeal, and hopefully they will find a solution.

    Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,

    I am also a phobic person (I can’t find the right words at the moment but you know what I mean). Anyway, I recently had to go to hospital and it terrified me. I decided the best thing to do was to be absolutely honest. So I rang up beforehand and explained that I am phobic and that going to hospital was a hug deal for me. I explained my fears, that I panic, want to run (sometimes do), am sick, and a lot of other stuff too. In a nutshell, long story short, I asked the questions I needed to ask. Like, where exactly was it I would need to go within the hospital? The layout, where were the toilets, the exits, in relation to where I was going to be? How long might it take? And a lot more questions too. The long and short of it was that they were extremely helpful and understanding. what us phobics tend to forget is that everyone is nervous when they have to go to hospital or whatever. Granted for us we often get icing on the cake with anxiety symptoms – but the staff are used to people (frankly) sh1tting themselves, and are prepared and sympathetic to our needs.

    Anyway I’m saying far too much – but here is my point – RING THE HOSPITAL. Write a list of your main fears, and have them with you when you call.

    Ultimately, remember that although you will feel alone when you go, that you aren’t. There are lots of people willing you on, b it friends, family or random strangers from the internet ;o). Also remember that these people are there to serve you, and not the other way around. I know that sounds harsh – but it is ultimately true. You are their priority and not the other way around. I’s their job to help you. They are also just humans like us. Some of them have had panic attacks, or have a sister with phobias… These days there is not the same stigma there once was, and there IS more understanding. You’ll find it will help alleviate a lot of your fears. You’ll still be scared sh1tless, of course! but you’ll also know when you go, who is where, the layout, where the toilets are. Whether you HAVE to wait in the waiting room, or ‘Can I jut stand in the corridor outside, and you come and get me when it’s my time please?’.

    :o) Dotty please hang in there. You can do this, and i for one will be thinking of you, okay! I’ll be there if you need me. All you have to do is think of this message and know that I am willing you on.

    Good luck darlin’ and please God they will get you sorted with your hearing.

    Sarah xoxox ((Hugs))

    PS I lose my voice when I’m ultra stressed. I find that trying to regulate my breathing and taking my time helps. Explain your worries to them in advance – please. It really will make it a less nasty experience for you :o)

    Reply
  12. Dotty hope all goes well.

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty, my bedside manner is terrible so I won’t try to feed you grapes. I may accidentally sit on you.

    Whilst I agree that a silent world is better than running screaming to the hills do be careful what you wish for. As to people staring at you may I recommend you returning the favour by staring back. Whilst this may sound (!) like a battle of wills it can be satisfying to retaliate in kind. It’ll also make time pass more quickly, taking your mind of impending doom.

    Good luck. I hope you won’t fall in love with the doctor. It may complicate things.

    All the best,
    Ursula

    Reply
  14. Will you be happy without the voices?
    Will you be happy in silence?
    For silence is louder than you think, Dotty.
    For the voices are perhaps there to protect you from the silence.

    For me? I have silence and darkness in my mind, and it ain’t nice half the time.

    Good luck!

    Reply
  15. I don’t see the Notify Me box anymore. Maybe it went away. Did Amy go away, too?
    Dear Dotty is brave because she posted this. I don’t want you to go deaf but I do wish you peace however that can be achieved. Rest dear Dotty and we’ll see you when you get back.
    xoxo maggie

    Reply
  16. Don’t hafta be brave, just close your eyes and breathe deeply in and out. That way,eve nif someone stares you won’t see it. If I hadn’t just watched House last night, I might have agreed that you’re completely mental now. But there is an ENT diagnosis out there with your name on it. And obviously a lot of blog thoughts as well. Take as long as you need to come back, take care of you. This is the point where, in my email, I could send you lots of little kissee faces, but it probably wouldn’t translate well. But you know what I mean. Hang in there, my dear. You WILL.BE.FINE.

    Reply
  17. Dearest Dotty,
    *gentle hugs and comfort to you*
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
  18. How do you pronounce ‘Spuggy’?
    And if you just keep screaming for real, it will drown out the inner noises… and other people will go crazy instead of you. That is what you call a win-win situation.

    Reply
  19. Good time to turn everything off – washer, cooker, tv, computer. Less coming in, less going out. Let the water clear. Good luck.

    Reply
  20. *hugs*
    Good luck Dotty.
    I look forward to reading about how well it went as soon as you are able to write!

    Reply
  21. Dear Dotty,

    The only thing I can suggest that you haven’t already listed is, whether it takes 15 minutes or 10 hours, you know you won’t have to be out forever. I’ll be with you in spirit, as well all the others who’ve come to love you so much! Good luck, and I hope you get answers that will help! 8-)

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  22. Dear Dotty,
    don’t do anything I would (oh wait, you already are, going out and all). Well, never mind, then.
    Hope you find an unexpected pleasure somewhere out there!!!
    :)
    janet

    Reply
  23. You sound like a long, lost sister. I have PTSD and Going Out means weeks of rehearsal – as far as one can rehearse – postponements, instantaneous headaches at the mere THOUGHT of having to Go Out. It took me six weeks to go down to the local shops last time. I usually have everything delivered but some things have to be bought in person. You have all my sympathy.

    Reply
  24. Dear Dotty, I am sending light to you…a little belatedly. But I hope it gets to you just the same♥ Lis

    Reply
  25. Dear Dotty,

    Just checking in to say hi, I hope you’re doing well and recovering from the ENT visit!

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  26. Dear Lovely People,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments. I’m sorry for not answering individually, I can’t concentrate too well right now, but I appreciate them all. Thank you. :-)

    Well, I went, they did a hearing test which was fine, a bit of hearing loss over what’s to be expected but the consultant said she can’t give me a hearing aid because of the hyperacusis. She’s referred me to a different consultant in the hospital who deals with hyperacusis and tinnitus, she said it’ll be a month or so till I get an appointment. Also, she did some basic nerve tests on my face, raise your eyebrows, smile, does this feel the same on both sides, turn your head this way and that – and then she told me to look right AND SHE STUCK A COTTON WOOL BALL IN MY EYE. AND SHE DID IT IN MY OTHER EYE TOO. So basically I went through all that stress to have cotton wool stuck in my eye and come home no better off than when I went. I’m not happy.

    I’m going to have a catch up on some reading now.

    Again, THANK YOU. :-)

    Love Dotty xx

    Reply
    • Dorothy

       /  May 18, 2012

      Dear Dotty,
      That really sucks! I wish it had been a more productive day for you. Too bad you didn’t have a brick in your bag…..”Here’s something for your eye!”…bang! I know…I know….violence get’s you no where but it would have been interesting, no?
      Love Dorothy

      Reply
      • Dear Dorothy,

        HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

        There were a few people there I’d have twatted with it if I’d have thought of taking one with me – one smelly man (a hummer!) who sat right in front of me when I was waiting in the ear testing part, a woman who sat on the bench opposite while I was waiting for the doctor (who kept looking at me – and she SMILED AT ME – I didn’t know what to do. My face wouldn’t smile back, I think I just glared at her), and two screaming kids – well, I wouldn’t have belted the kids, I’d have belted the mothers who didn’t do anything to shut them up. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  27. Dear Dotty,

    Tear. I have a child’s scream, a hovering space craft, a choir of crickets, a yelling old geezer, sometimes even a ghostly “woooohohoho”. AND hyperacousis. My audiologist, looked at me like I was crazy when I said I was sure I also had hyperacousis. He said, “no, you just have severe hearing loss”.

    Hope it went well. All things shall pass.

    xoxoxxx

    Reply
    • Dear PAZ,

      Thanks. The audiologist believed me – she’d just told me my hearing loss isn’t too bad when the nurse started rustling a bag thing and I couldn’t hear the audiologist because of the loudness of the rustling so I stopped her in mid-flow and said I couldn’t hear her. When I came home I wondered if the bag rustling was a surreptitious test they did.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  28. p.s. I only read half the post for fear of triggers. I will come back to it eventually. But do email me, I insist (I’m crazy like that. ;-) )

    Reply
  29. Dear Dotty,
    Good lord – is that actual hearing loss? That’s what it’s like? It sounds the opposite – Hearing Volumizer and Mind Breaker 4S (unlimited gigabytes). Good Christ, so sorry to hear about all of this, and that Paz has it too! I’m reading upwards, so I see you’re back. Hope it’s quiet it your mind now.
    Love,
    Magic

    Reply
    • Dear Magic,

      No, it’s not hearing loss – it is the opposite, for me it is. Background noises are magnified and brought to the fore with Hyperacusis – if you imagine trying to get through your day and night with a stereo playing on high, constantly, you can never turn it off, it’s similar to that. Earplugs don’t work because then you’re left with the tinnitus – noises in your head.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Wretched stuff, that! WordPress is starting to feel like a medical text for conditions I was either unaware of (yours) or things I couldn’t imagine being untreatable and therefore debilitating & capable of pushing the mind right over the edge (insomnia. WTF???)

        Hope your appointment next month is more effective and fruitful.

        Love & hugs,
        Magic

      • Dear Magic,

        Thank you. I don’t think they can do anything, it’s just a matter of learning to live with it – which is okay if you’re not mental to start with.

        Love Dotty xxx

  30. Hospitals are pants… I hope it went ok, and something can be done to help you. I’m sure you have given it a go, but I hear Cumberland sausage bits work wonders as ear defenders.
    PS. Should it be streamer? Sorry, I am feeling in a mildly poncey mood today…;)

    Reply

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