Put It Back On, You Pasty Twat (The British See The Sun)

 

Today has been a nice Spring day with sunshine and a lovely warm breeze that I got a little feel of when I stood at the back door to have a fag. It seemed so nice I thought I’d look out of the window for a while so I took a few beta-blockers and a big swig of laudanum and I went upstairs to my bedroom and shifted a few things out of the way and I looked out of the window. I didn’t see any white vans or any suspiciously clean cars so that was okay, but what I did see was FLESH – horrible white flabby flesh fluttering in the breeze.

What is it about a bit of sunshine that makes people strip off to WALK TO THE SHOP? Is it just a British thing or does the whole world do it? It’s NASTY. This is some of what I don’t like –

Men in vest tops (wife-beater tops) and/or shorts

HAIRY men in vest tops and/or shorts

Women in vest tops/boob tubes/stringy-strappy tops

HAIRY women in vest tops/boob tubes/stringy-strappy tops

Old men in SHORT SHORTS – why, oh why do old men wear skimpy short shorts? Did they buy them in 1971 and that’s the only pair they’ve ever owned? THEY MAKE MY EYES FEEL SICK.

Topless men – Moobs, beer guts, pigeon chests. NO NO NO — DON’T DO IT.

I like the sun. I like to take my shirt off. I like to watch my belly go red. I like to feel the breeze through my moob hair. Grunt. Where’s my can of Stella, bitch?

What’s wrong with wearing a nice cool blouse or shirt? What’s wrong with wearing a t-shirt WITH SLEEVES THAT COVER YOUR ARMPITS?

Where’s your DIGNITY gone, British people? Cover it up. Please.

 

Next Post
Leave a comment

59 Comments

  1. On the whole, I do agree with your sentiment.There is little more to offend one’s sense of the aesthetic than the British at the first ray of sun. By the way, you forgot to mention socks and sandals.

    However, the British such a sun starved nation, and I dare say most of them are on, prescribed by their doctors, Vitamin D pills, they may be forgiven for their need and be given some slack stripping off. I myself, but then I am not British, neither do I have a beer belly, tend to go the other way. In the belief that more is more I will cover up. Which no doubt accounts for my beautifully preserved skin. I fucking wear gloves in summer, don’t I?

    U

    Reply
    • Dear bitch,

      No, never forgiven.
      The non-British can afford leniency towards the stripper-offers, you don’t have to look at them. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Ursula

         /  May 23, 2012

        Dear Dotty,

        I DO have to look at them [the British that is]. Every day. I live here.

        I’d love to weave a Cumberland Sausage into this reply but gave up knitting a long time ago. Why? The English are contrary. Not only do they insist on driving on the other side of the road, refuse to join the Euro and refer to the rest of Europe as ‘the Continent’ (nothing to do with them, naturally), their knitting patterns do not make much sense either.

        Sundried kisses,
        U

      • Dear Ursula,

        Oops – my apologies. I’ll come and read your blog THOROUGHLY so I know what’s what.

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. flabby flesh fluttering in the breeze… that will put you off your sausages…

    Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,
    Hahahaha love it. But do you know what I love even more? The next day when they all look like lobsters because they over did it in the sun. It’s mean, but the lobster look makes me laugh.
    Love HS xox

    Reply
    • Dear HS,

      I know. And they slap a bit of after-sun on and go to the shop dressed (or not dressed) in the same way again the next day for their big bottle of coke and a packet of Doritos.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,

    It’s not just the British. It happens in the US too. There are a lot of images I’ll never be able to get out of my head…people with chests/boobs/feet etc that I really could have gone my whole life without seeing.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    Sadly, your words of reason, so sensible to most of us, fly right over the heads of the ones with moobs, boobs, and hairy armpits and backs. Any we have them here, as well. When I was younger, our weather never got warm until July 1. Now, warm weather starts in March, and carries on through October. Of course, I am one of the pasty whites — I try and keep all my worst parts covered, but oh, well!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I often wonder if they think they’re beautiful, like a reverse body dysmorphia type of beautiful.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    This is NOT an English epidemic. It happens much too often here in the States.
    You proper British folks don’t have something called WALMART. Year round, you can experience all sorts of horrid atrocities.

    If one wanted to, they could write a blog
    only using the people that frequent Walmart, as their subjects.

    Yes. I do go there. The only kind of water I drink is sold there.
    I stock up, and usually manage to not take my children there. They don’t need to see such things ….yet.
    p.s. anxiously awaiting the MOOB post :)
    Lis xoxo

    Reply
    • Dear Lisa,

      We DO have Walmart – but not as Walmart – they bought out one of our supermarket chains, Asda, and then they (as Asda) bought Netto and now there’s a horrible shitey Asda/Walmart near me where the good little Netto used to be and the Asda/Walmart food is DISGUSTING and I mean DISGUSTING – cheap and nasty, which is what everyone thought Netto used to be but actually their meat and veg was good quality – but now we don’t have it any more because of WALMART.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • I am saddened at this news. Like the stomach flu..I’d hoped we’d kept thay little virus to ourselves.

        Signed…
        An ashamed and sorry American.
        Please don’t hate me. :)
        Lis xoxo

      • Dear Lisa,

        Of course I don’t hate you – you are not your country.

        Love Dotty xxx

        P.S. Although I might have a little slip when a Walmart lettuce goes off after just ONE DAY in the fridge again. ;-)

      • Dear Dotty,
        That makes me sad that Walmart is buying out everything. I wrote a post in February about my nipples showing through my tank at the clinic pharmacy only I was too depressed to notice until I got home. I chose not to publish the post, maybe I will someday when I get over the embarrassment of confessing. People do it all the TIME here. I’m in TEXAS lady. It’s already hot as dying hell in the midday. Also, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas. Think about that. Think of what loads you’ll see.

        xoxoxxx

      • Dear PAZ,

        No thank you, I don’t want to think about them.
        Oh, look what you’ve done – I have this horrible image in my head of a city full of SWEATY people wearing nothing but stetsons and cowboy boots. BIG stetsons.

        Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dear Dotty,
    I must confess that I am one of those people that walks around in tanks and shorts (nothing risque). And I am in a perpetual state of lobster coloring from now until October.

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      Oh no, don’t be a lobster. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        I cannot help it, I love the way the sun feels on my skin. Even with sun screen, I still burn.
        Love,
        -the howler and me

      • Dear the howler and me,

        Me too – not that I have that problem any more. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        Yes, Hermatitis will do that to you. :)
        I curse my English/Irish/Scottish Grandad every time I burn…. I may be 75% Italian… but I inherited the pasty skin from Gramps….

        Ah well… we cannot have everything….
        Love,
        -the howler and me

      • Dear the howler and me,

        I remember my shoulders peeling, in the days before I knew about After-Sun. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  8. Nodding ..yeppers the chav parade was out in full force today, when will both men and women realise that bum clevage is not attractive.
    Deodorant is always good no matter the weather
    Unwashed feet with hard skin and flip flops…is a NO
    And to my neighbour..yes it was sunny but not bikini sunny.

    Reply
  9. joehoover

     /  May 22, 2012

    Dotty, I put on my wife better, truly authentic from Australia, and shorts after work. but I was only at home, wouldn’t dream of leaving the house like that

    Reply
    • Dear Joe,

      What if you really, really, really, really, desperately need something from the shop and you haven’t got time to change. Would you go?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    I would have loved to have your take on the elderly Italian man I once saw who was wearing an elderly Italian Speedo. Speedos lose elasticity when they become elderly, Italian or not. I saw an awful lot more of that man than I would ever have expected to, even at the beach. Do you know what other things lose elasticity when they are elderly? I’ll just let you imagine.

    Love,
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Dear Kathy,

      I can’t think of any words. My mind is bleeding from the images thrown up by your comment.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I’m sorry that I made your mind bleed. I will send you some plasters with Snoopy on them. Will that help?

        Love,
        Kathy

      • Dear Kathy,

        Thank you, yes it will.

        Love Dotty xxx

  11. Dorothy

     /  May 22, 2012

    Dear Dotty,

    I was just saying the same thing this weekend to my daughter…looking at the men was disheartening. They have bowling ball bellies and look like they’re nine months pregnant but their legs look like little sticks…no muscle at all. Yes, white and hairy and these men will wear their little shorts until next December through all types of weather. Thank God it’s raining today and I can stick my face into pillow and suffocate myself.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      Can I borrow your pillow?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dorothy

         /  May 23, 2012

        Dear Dotty,
        Actually I have a wonderful pillow that’s five feet long but I’m afraid they’d charge me the price of a human if I sent it to you. How about a small embroidered one?
        Love Dorothy

      • Dear Dorothy,

        Yes, that’ll do nicely, thank you.

        Love Dotty xxx

  12. These people have probably stopped seeing beauty around them (if they ever did) so don’t realize the pain that they are inflicting on those of us with an artistic eye. It’s not their fault, Dotty. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (I hope that no-one thinks that that’s blasphemous, although what some people have done to their bodies must be!)

    Reply
  13. Bleurgh. I confess to a love of short swirly floaty girly strappy dresses, but I have big boobs and would never think of not wearing a tunic under them or a shrug over them and I ALWAYS wear leggings and my knee high boots and my hat – WHAT’S TASTEFUL ATTRIE WITHOUT A HAT???

    You will never catch me in shorts. Shorts are disgusting on EVERYBODY.

    (I am also naturally blonde and fair skinned with freckles. I only have to LOOK at the sun to obtain that unwanted lobster look, so covering up is my de riguer for the warmer days of summer).

    Also, whoever invented tanning booths should be shot. I hate walking in town and seeing The Invasion Of The Tango People. It’s bad enough anywhere, but this is Essex, people are rich and there are FUCKING TANNING BOOTHS ON EVERY STREET CORNER!!!!

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      Tanning booths – did you see that thing about the woman who has tanned herself so much she looks like a mahogany sideboard?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Yes I did. I think that’s almost worse than pasty flesh. Vile.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I know. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        I prefer to remain a pleasant shade of pale and interesting.

        I had to go to town yesterday and saw SO MUCH NASTY NAKED MAN FLESH that my eyes almost fell out. At least most of the ladies in this city know how to dress (apart from one young lady I saw who apparently doesn’t know how to dress large breasts, and that was quite yucky too).

        And George Tierney stole my cumberland sausage sandwiches after all. Bastard.

        Love, Missus Tribble

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        Apart from the unsightliness of it all, another thing that really pisses me off is WHY DON’T THESE PEOPLE USE DEODRANTS? I haven’t been on a bus for years and years but I remember them in summer, stinky shuttles of Hell.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        There is nothing worse than half-naked stinky people gathering all in one place. They were all in the market square yesterday and most of my senses wanted to leave the country, if not the planet.

        I don’t want to see moobs, beer bellies, most of a set of huge saggy boobs or PASTY HAIRY LEGS IN SHORTS! Especially when the person also happens to smell like a dung heap.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        There are SOME benefits to being a She-Hermit. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  14. tanktops…..Yes, the furrrrrrr sticking out…….like werewolves coming out of hiding…..

    Reply
  15. kzackuslheureux

     /  May 26, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I think it was Clinton that brought those short shorts to mens “fashion” again. At least I blame him for it. When all else fails. Blame and American President!
    Love, Alphabet

    Reply

Write a little note to Dotty.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 573 other followers

%d bloggers like this: