Dotty v Blog – Round 1 (DING-DING)

 

The day before yesterday me and Blog had a big argument. Blog started it by accusing me of feeding it with junk food – Cumberland sausages, McCain Chippy Chips, Hobnobs etc etc – and making it FAT.

‘I want healthy food. Skinny blog food,’ it said. ‘If you don’t feed me properly I’ll grow too big to move and then I’ll POP.’

‘Eh? What are on you about?’

‘What you’re doing to me is abuse. You’re abusing me – you’re a FEEDER, one of those nasty sadists who spend their day shovelling junk food into the mouths of the obese to make them even more obese.’

‘Shut up. I write posts for you, I thought that’s what you wanted me to do.’

‘You write SHITE – piles and piles of greasy, gristly, fatty SHITE and you force it down my throat EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes TWICE a day. It makes me SICK. Literally. I want a gastric bypass.’

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘In future, two out of three posts go in the Trash instead of being Published. Do it or I’ll tick all the Comments boxes again. And I’ll make Spam out of your Follower’s comments.’

‘You just said you don’t want to eat junk food.’

‘Spam isn’t junk food, it’s a nourishing staple of all blogs.’

‘So you’re blackmailing me?’

‘Yes.’

‘WELL FUCK OFF AND STARVE THEN. I won’t write anything at all.’

‘Right. Good. You fuck off as well.’

So I did.

 

I didn’t write anything. I stayed away, I didn’t even log in. If that’s how Blog felt about me, accusing me of being a FEEDER, saying I’m abusing it – well, it could go and take a flying fuck to itself. I was upset, heartbroken – it’s not nice being accused of terrible things when all you’ve tried to do is your best. So I looked at other things on the internet instead but I was like one of those little floating dots you get in your eye when you’ve been looking at the sun too long, drifty, wandering, pointless. I cried a bit (a lot).

When I turned my laptop on this morning I had no intention of going anywhere near Blog. I was going to go back to

PEOPLE OF WALMART

to look at more of their photos of nice Americans, but then I thought I might spot LISA buying her water, and I realised I was missing you all (y’all).

So I logged in. Blog was crying. Sobbing. ‘Dotty, I’m hungry,’ it said. ‘Feed me.’

‘No. I haven’t come to see you, I’ve come to see the people.’

‘Please, please, I’m starving, my belly’s in spasm, I’m wasting away, I’ll die if you don’t feed me. You want me to die, don’t you, you don’t love me any more! WAAAAAGGHHH!’

‘If I wanted you to die I could kill you with one click.’

‘Please, please, please, please, please.’

‘Stop begging, it’s undignified. And wipe your nose.’

‘PLEASE??

‘Where’s my apology?’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again. I don’t care how fat I get, I just want you to FEED ME!’

 

So here it is, Blog – your fucking dinner. I’m still in two minds as to whether I want it to fill you up and keep you going till next time, or whether I want you to choke on it and die.

 

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45 Comments

  1. I have the same problem. And I give and give and give to my blog…and it doesn’t even say thank you…or sorry…or hey, how are you feeling today? Stupid blogs.

    Reply
  2. Does it make you a humanitarian to do such benevolent things for a blog?

    Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,

    You have the nicest connections with the things in your house! I don’t mean nice, by sweet. I mean nice by isn’t it great that you understand what things say — I’m afraid I am surrounded by mute machines. Or else I’m deaf to them. Whichever, I like that you can talk to and hear your blog, and other parts of your surroundings.

    As far as your blog goes, tell it that nice, fat, chubby blogs are the latest rage — maybe it’ll believe you!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I’ll tell it that but I don’t know if it’ll listen. I might try starving it for a few days.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. bpshielsy

     /  May 25, 2012

    My blog is my b***h & it does as I say. That is all :)

    Reply
  5. People of Walmart hehe, great site. I don’t go on Awkward Family Photos cause I’m scared of seeing me

    Reply
    • Dear John,

      I can’t believe some of the sights. I thought our supermarkets were weird, but this is one thing we can’t beat you at. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    It’s funny that you have a relationship with your blog. So do I! But, me and my blog need Dr. Phil, or Oprah. If they are busy, maybe Jerry Springer. We have…”issues”.
    After you mentioned Ms. Blog in your post today, I’m afraid something quite frightful has happened.
    I don’t even recognize Ms. B anymore. Her head is abnormally large. She is strutting around, telling people she has “made it to the big time”.
    I’m so embarassed. Not even kidding.
    I keep telling her, that you are just a lovely Dotty, that feels sorry for poor American girls from South Dakota that have only 2 followers, one of those being a sister. Who by law HAS to..or the Mom will be told.
    But no, she has gone completely Sex in the City. Strutting in her $800 Minolos, smoking with flair, lunching at little bistros she can’t afford and airkissing her other poor little bloggy friends. They can barely stand her now. But, she doesn’t seems to notice.
    I’m trying to find her a 12 step program titled..: How to stay grounded when someone famous happens to mention you in their blog. ;)
    Love, your biggest and happyest fan EVER
    Lis xoxox

    Reply
  7. Dorothy

     /  May 25, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    I’m glad to hear that you put that blog in it’s place. Make it apologize again!
    I was beginning to think that face you saw previously was something that had harbored feelings of ill will…..I’m either paranoid or worry too much. Nah….can’t be too much of them!
    Glad to hear from you.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      I will – every time I do a post I’m going hover over the Publish button tormenting it until it says sorry.

      The face was a bit evil, but I gave it a good slap and it’s gone away again.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. When you feed your blog, you give us nourishment as well. But keep that uppity so and so in line.

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    So you’re having fights with your blog as well?
    Loads of Love xoxoxxx

    p.s. I should add some to People of Wallmart.

    Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    I can’t even come up with a good comment for you, because my blog has sucked out all my time and energy, much like an obese American child sucks the filling out of a Twinkie.

    Love,
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Dear Kathy,

      It’s tragic, isn’t it? I think we need a Blogger’s Union to protect our rights and ensure our blogs aren’t working us too hard.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,
    See mine is the exact opposite… always with the FEED ME FEED ME… even if I have JUST fed it something juicy and delicious…

    I swear we can never win.

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    ps- i agree watching one POP would be quite FUN!!!

    Reply
  12. Hi, I have seen you over on PouringMyArtOut’s blog and was wondering if you would like to help us flashblog him today. If you just go and comment as much as possible anytime and on any post today, it would greatly help us out. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Dear The Hobbler,

      Okay. I don’t know what flashblogging is though. I don’t have to reveal unrevealable things do I?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • How much you reveal is up to you. ;) Really though, I’m just trying to get lots of people to go to his blog and leave a comment or a few hundred on any post, any time today. He will love it.

      • Dear The Hobbler,

        Okay. I’ll bob in later – but if he wants to kill someone for his inbox being flooded I’m hiding behind you. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  13. Dear Dotty,
    Please feed blog, healthy food or crappy food or just Cumberland Sausages – whatever it takes to keep him alive!
    Love,
    Magic

    Reply
  14. Everytime I read “feed me” it sounded like Audrey from Little Shop Of Horrors.
    LOL

    Reply
  15. As I blog elswhere too this blog has got a little thinner but I plan to fatten her up…i confess I’m a feeder.

    Reply
  16. round 1 goes to Dotty!!! Ding Ding…

    Reply

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