I’ve written a folk song this morning, just the words, you’ll have to make up the tune as you go along.
The Fucking Fiddly Folk Song
Chorus
With a hey-ho, fiddly fuck,
Bales of straw and a cripply duck,
Cider and blackbirds and bells on my knees,
The sun in the morning, the wind through the trees.
Verse 1
My farmboy is fit and he loves me,
And I love him, I love him.
He’s fit and he’s strong, he can carry a horse,
In one arm and a pig in the other.
Next year we shall wed and lie in a bed,
Until that day-o,
fuckitty day-o,
We lie in the birdshit up high in the loft,
Fiddling tunes in the hay-o.
Chorus
With a hey-ho, fiddly fuck,
Bales of straw and a cripply duck
Cider and blackbirds and bells on my knees,
The sun in the morning, the wind through the trees.
Verse 2
Skip to the loo, what the fuck shall I do?
I met a wild rover with curly black hair,
His eyes are like marbles,
They shine and they roll,
And when I’ve had my beer-o,
His voice is like silk in my ear-hole,
Ear-hole, ear-hole,
And when he fiddles, o fiddly-fuck,
his pecs are to die for.
I love him, I love him,
I love him-o.
Chorus
With a hey-ho, fiddly fuck,
Bales of straw and a cripply duck,
Cider and blackbirds and bells on my knees,
The sun in the morning, the wind through the trees.
Verse 3
My two fit men, one here, one there,
I’m just a young milkmaid, I’m lovely,
I’m plump like a hen, I’m soft like a sheep,
O who shall I choose, O who shall I keep?
Fuck it, why should I have to choose?
Why-o?
I’ll keep them both-o,
my farmboy, my rover,
o fiddly-fuck,
in the hay and the muck,
both-o, both-o,
I love them both-o.
Chorus
With a hey-ho, fiddly fuck,
Bales of straw and a cripply duck,
Cider and blackbirds and bells on my knees,
The sun in the morning, the wind through the trees.
Repeat Chorus
unfetteredbs
/ June 7, 2012Dear Dotty-
What a delightful plump hen you are… o fiddly fuck is going to be in my head. Thank you very much for this fucking aweswome tune.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 7, 2012Dear bs,
You’re very fucking welcome.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ June 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
These lyrics speak to me. You could sing this as a Gregorian chant and it would still kick ass.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 7, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
Would they show it on MTV?
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ June 7, 2012It’s way too good for MTV.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
Songs of Praise?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 7, 2012Ah, lofty country pleasures.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 7, 2012Dear Misfit,
Oooo-aaarr.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 7, 2012Ra-ra fo oooo-aaarr.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
Aye, lad.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012There’s a poem on my site called Pirate Nature, you might like.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
I do like it.
Cast some in my direction.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012I just did, words are the only treasure I have left.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
I’ve got a pound coin if you want to borrow it.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012Save if for when I take you for a sausage dinner, you can by the no-name brand can of beer. I’ll steal us two straws.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
Bendy straws?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012I’ll see what I can do, but thievery is an opportunistic game.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
Not wholly. I’d say it’s half opportunity, half skill. Seek out the bendy straws then wait for the opportunity.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012You can teach me. Better than a bad movie as a first date.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
Fagin and Oliver. I think I still have a pair of fingerless gloves…
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012If not, we can steal some.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Misfit,
I’ll look for mine first, they’re proper punky ones, not like the shite nowadays. Mine have got metal studs on them.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 8, 2012Alright, Mrs Lovett, but you’ll be wearing them, I’m more of the vintage leather and string tie and Fedora type.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear Misfit,
Hmmm. Leave the hat at home. I don’t like hats.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 9, 2012Oh, I don’t know. I’m going to have to rethink a villainous tryst with a woman who doesn’t like hats…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear Misfit,
I can’t help it. Men in hats look like twats.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 9, 2012I agree, it takes a certain kind of man to be able to wear a hat.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear Misfit,
I don’t like those bushwanker hats city men wear with big flappy coats to tromp around the countryside.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 9, 2012Twat in a hat for Dotty:
http://www.drunkenabsurdity.com/?page_id=674
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear Misfit,
HA HA HA HA HAT HAT HAT HAT
Yes. Well. What can I say? 
I’ll have a read of what that twat in a hat has to say for himself later. I’m laughing too much to read properly.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 9, 2012I recommend a tofu sandwich. That’ll put an end to your mirth.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear Misfit,
I tried Tofu once. Just the thought of it – BLEEEEAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 9, 2012That’s what I thought…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 10, 2012Dear Misfit,
You know me so well…
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ June 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
LOVE IT!!!!
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear the howler and me,
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ June 7, 2012I don’t need to tell you this is brilliant — because it totally fiddly-fucking IS! Thanks Dotty!
SCB
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Swordy,
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
I really do love your little ditty, dotty, but I think it’s my duty to say
I think that you’re nutty. Some may call you slutty, to love your two men in this way.
Though I think it’s nifty, but I’m only fifty-ish, so I don’t claim to be wise.
Just be careful and hide-y those men at your side-y. Tell Lottie and Scottie, “Surprise!”
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Judith,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I think Lottie needs a wild rover of her own.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dotty,
. 
. 
kzackuslheureux
/ June 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
Sound’s like some fun.
Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Alphabet,
I think it probably is.
Love Dotty xxx
Christopher De Voss
/ June 7, 2012Is this song about a crippled duck?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Chris,
Yes.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 7, 2012Magic!
Suggested alternative lines for the chorus:
Cider and blackbirds and a dog full of fleas ,
The sun in the morning, the wind through my knees.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dags,
After I’d posted it I thought of a line about picking maggoty Crabs from the trees but it was too late.
Love Dotty xxx
Dion Burn
/ June 7, 2012Like a very cynical XTC of “Skylarking” days. I hope you’ve copyrighted this, because I’m writing the music as we speak.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dion,
Are you singing as you write?
Love Dotty xxx
Dion Burn
/ June 8, 2012Yes–and chewing gum.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dion,
Be careful you don’t swallow it or your insides will stick together in a lump.
Love Dotty xxx
Dion Burn
/ June 8, 2012That’s a bad thing, right?
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dion,
If a surgeon has to get in there to fix something then yes it is.
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ June 8, 2012i think the tune should go something like this – tiddle-um-dum tiddle-um-dum-dee tiddle-um-dum-dum tiddle-ee-dum-dee tiddle-um-bum tiddle-um-bum-bee tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-um-bum-dee, tiddle-um-tum tiddle-um-tum-tee tiddle-iddle-um-tum-bum-dum-wee tiddle-iddle-oo-dar dee-dar-doo tiddle-iddle-um-bum-doo-dar-dee, tum-tum-diddle-um bim-bum-boo fiddle-iddle-tiddle-widdle-fim-fum-foo piddle-iddle-tiddle-widdle-fiddle-middle-griddle diddle-niddle-biddle-yiddle-jiddle-siddle-riddle hiddle-liddle-ziddle-giddle-quiddle-viddle-dee (repeat as necessary)
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear sacha,
I love this tune. I wish I could write music.
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ June 8, 2012so do i….in truth i left a monkey next to the computer and this is what became of it
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear sacha,
That’s what I do every day.
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ June 9, 2012your monkey has issues
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 9, 2012Dear sacha,
Yep.
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dotty,
The best piece of poetry I’ve read in ages! And the depth and rhythm, Good Lord!
Love,
Habiba.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Habiba,
Love Dotty xxx
Angel
/ June 8, 2012Dear Dotty,
This is my favorite song…that is all.
Repeating chorus,
Angel
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 8, 2012Dear Angel,
Thank you. It isn’t mine.
Love Dotty xxx
Angel
/ June 8, 2012Summer Moon
/ June 11, 2012I was literally LOLing with this! So awesome, Dotty! You are awesome and your blog is so much fun to read!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 11, 2012Dear Summer Moon,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
Chris Biscuits
/ August 7, 2012Dear Dotty,
This was astounding. Please treat more genres with the contempt they deserve.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 10, 2012Dear Chris,
Thank you. I shall.
Love Dotty xxx