A Boring Dotty Update On Boring Dotty

 

Here I am, boring old me on my boring old lonesome in my boring old house doing boring fuck all. Why am I even writing this boring blog? To see how many people I can bore on a daily basis?

 

This is what’s been happening in my boring life.

1.  I didn’t see Venus, I saw clouds.

2.  Little Emily and Kumblant are revolting, they’re plotting against me, I don’t know what they’re up to. When Branwell brought my laudanum he told me they’ve been talking to each other and KUMBLANT HAS BEEN TO THEIR HOUSE FOR TEA. Fucking traitors. Off with their heads. Good job I’ve got Branwell to spy on them.

3.  The gas men ARE laying a fucking great big pipe up the street, the bendy yellow one must have been something else, and the noise they’ve been making digging up THE WHOLE PAVEMENT is driving me MENTAL. I called the boss of the gas men a dickwad the other day. He didn’t like it but so fucking what, I don’t like his NOISE.

4.  When I can concentrate on anything at all I’ve been playing with Photoshop, trying to make a nice picture.

5.  I hate the word CREVICE. If I hear anyone say it I want to punch them in the throat. It’s a vile word spoken slowly on a sea of spittle by smelly, toothless old men in raincoats – CRRREVISSSSS. And they rub their hands together when they say it. And they leer. STEPTOE, YOU DIRTY, DIRTY MAN, DON’T SAY THAT NASTY WORD EVER AGAIN.

6.  I’ve spent a lot of quality time with my brick.

7.  When the NOISE from outside is too much I’ve been taking the opportunity to practice screaming.

8.  My screaming practice sessions have resulted in me being back on good terms with Dibble. They’ve been to see me twice and both times, like the good, law-abiding citizen I am, I’ve pointed out the gas vehicles illegally parked up and down the street, and also pointed out the fact that Dibble had to WALK a long way from where they had to park their car to my house. I also asked after my ex-boyfriend, Sergeant Sherlock the Druggy (Piggy-Wig), who somehow scoffed a HUGE pile of my Cumberlaudanum sausage sandwiches the last time I saw him, and they told me he’s still on suspension. Good. No one fucks with Dotty and gets away with it.

 

That’s it. Boring. Well, I did warn you.

 

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59 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    this post was sure boring as heck, and it bored me so much that I decided to write a boring note to you. Hope,this note is boring enough to bore holes into you. ;-)
    Love,
    Habiba

    Reply
  2. I would have read past the first paragraph, but I fell asleep.

    Reply
    • Dear Misfit,

      Me too! I have been sleep-writing. I remember getting the new post thingy up but then zzzzzzzzzzz…

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,
    Perhaps Little Emily and Kumblant are conspiring to bring you a nice present or something. It might not be a BAD thing ya know.

    As for the pipe laying business, how much longer is it going to go on for? Maybe you should see if Little Emily could take you in until those fucks are done with their noise.

    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      Thank you for trying to make me feel better, but it won’t be a nice thing, it never is.

      I don’t know. I thought it would be finished this week but nope. And I can’t go to little Emily’s, not if she’s in cahoots with Kumblant. I think they might be plotting a take-over of my blog. A siege.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Boring?
    LOL!
    There is nothing at all boring about you or your blog.
    The word crevice is creepy. Besides the fact the fact that it feels nasty coming out of your mouth nothing good comes out of a crevice.
    *whispers: sweat, rashes, dirt, bodies*
    Nope, you never find anything good in a crevice….

    Reply
    • Dear psycho,

      Yes – it does feel nasty coming out of your mouth – it makes my lips into a grotesque caricature of a pouty shape and the rest of my face screws up but my eyes stay wide open. HORRIBLE.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Madame Weebles

     /  June 8, 2012

    Dear Dotty,

    I read your whole post but I’m still awake because I’m imagining all that noise.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Sleeping is hard to do because the NOISE makes the tinnitus worse so when there’s no gasmen NOISE there’s tinnitus NOISE. It’s all noisy.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Crevice, crevice, crevice. Take that!

    Reply
  7. Dorothy

     /  June 8, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Not boring at all in fact I’m still smiling because it’s more exciting than my life. I have no gas men to look at or scream at. I have a new bunny that is scared of me that goes running every time I look out the window. My street is as dead as dead can be right now. I can’t scream in fact or laugh too much because I’ll be told to shut up by demented Daddy so I sit and listen to the dryer and the button that is hitting the wall every time it tumbles. At least the finch is making some noise. Oh wait…..I just sighed…that’s some noise. Now I’m depressed. But, Dotty, it’s Friday and I will escape later.
    Do, me a favor, call the gas man a dickwad again!! I’d do it for you if I was there. Yell, it out the upstairs window!! Then play some Doo Wop extra loud. And eat some Cumberland sausage sandwiches and look smuggly at the workers because they can’t have any. At least think about it. :-)
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      They’ve gone home. I’ve spent the afternoon looking for my pea-shooter for when they come back in the morning or Monday morning (the man who drives the digger has a big fat neck) but I can’t find it. I found my crossbow though.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dorothy

         /  June 8, 2012

        LOL…..crossbow would be messy, wouldn’t it? Would love to see the pea shooter. 8-0
        Love Dorothy

      • Dear Dorothy,

        I’ll look again tomorrow. I suppose Dibble wouldn’t be too pleased if I used the crossbow. Shame.

        Love Dotty xxx

  8. yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    My 12-year old daughter reads you everyday…and laughs her little self silly.
    I probably shouldn’t let her. But, I have to say..I am pleased that she has such good taste. If I ever cry about my children being hauled off because I’ve been declared an unfit mother…you’ll know why. :)
    Love, Lis
    xoxoxo

    Reply
    • Dear Lisa,

      Lottie won’t allow me to let THE BERSERKERS watch Dexter with me, she says they’re too young. I disagree, I think children should be made aware through the telly and blogs, and whatever else, of what a normal adult’s life is like. Me and Dexter are good examples of that.

      I did put a 17 rating on the blog in case any wimpy kids read it and ran crying to their po-arsed parents, and then their po-arse parents decided to sue me (try it, idiots, you can’t get blood out of a stone).

      Anyway, the P.S. is a message for your daughter that isn’t for you, so stop reading now —

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Dear Miss Carr,
      Homework – shite
      Parents – kids in big bodies
      Teachers – unnecessary, but there they are
      Friends – THEY WANT TO BE YOU, OR THEY WANT WHAT YOU’VE GOT. If they get bitchy, punch them.
      I think that’s it for now. If you need any more advice you know where to come. :-)
      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        She is smiling. Despite the fact that smiling isn’t cool these days.
        I’m waiting on a book from you Dotty.
        Dotty’s Guide to Teenage Survival :) Bestseller it would be :)
        With much love and admiration,
        Lis
        xoxoxo
        p.s. Gold. Pure Gold you are♥

      • Dear Lisa,

        It’d be a short book, consisting of four words – punch everyone, hate everyone. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  10. Dear Dotty,
    Moist Crevice.
    Love, Maggie

    Reply
    • Dear Maggie,

      First Robin, now you.
      MEAN GIRLS.
      I’m going to UNFOLLOW THE NEXT ONE WHO WRITES THAT WORD TO ME.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Yawwwwwwn. But seriously, Ms. Dotty, how about crevasse? Our dear bumbling wikipedia says this is “…a deep crack in an ice sheet or glacier (as opposed to a crevice, which forms in rock). Crevasses form as a result of the movement and resulting stress associated with the sheer stress generated when two semi-rigid pieces above a plastic substrate have different rates of movement. The resulting intensity of the shear stress causes a breakage along the faces” This one sounds sexy to me.

    Reply
    • Dear paralaxvu,

      Just because it’s your birthday I’ll let you off and I won’t UNFOLLOW YOU FOR WRITING THAT WORD even though I should because you snuck it into the brackets as though they’d give it some sort of protection – but I see it there. ;-)

      And the other word, ‘crevasse’ – none of it sounds sexy to me, but I might have done a few breakages along the faces myself in my time.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. So you don’t like that word, but what about crevasse? What are your feeling on that word? I think a crevasse is kind of cool, unless it is a toothless smelly old French man saying it. Then it just seems like he is saying something else with his French accent and that ruins it.

    Don’t fall into one, and don’t stare too long into the ones that lead to a dark infernal underworld. I’ve heard they can steal your soul that way. Not sure who they are, but I am still pretty sure I wouldn’t want them to steal what little soul I have left after all the cameras have taken so much already.

    P.S. – Note that I didn’t write your despised word. So no need to unfollow me. Right?

    Reply
    • Dear Dead Guy,

      You and paralaxvu are sneaky, so sneaky I might make an exception to my rule of never awarding awards to people and give you both the sneakyfucker award made by Elaine. Or I might not. I probably won’t.

      AH! SYNCHRONICITY STRIKES – I just mentioned cameras in my reply to your other comment!!! Ha!!!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,

    You are brilliant!

    Love,

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
  14. i’ve known people who say negative things about themselves because they want others to say positive things. i guess it’s called “fishing.” i don’t believe you’re fishing because those who fish, well, normally all the fish go away. they catch on and they leave. so that’s not happening.

    as for emily. i’ll hit her with a brick.

    Reply
    • Dear rich,

      HA HA HA HA HA HA
      If I wanted others to say nice things about me I’d issue a new Dotty edict ORDERING THEM TO SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT ME. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Leave little Emily alone. If you hit her with a brick I’ll have to hurt you quite a lot (and it so happens I rediscovered my crossbow this afternoon) – she’s like my family, I can threaten her with anything I like but woe betide anyone else who thinks they can too.

      Reply
      • i only mentioned hitting emily with a brick because you said if we say ‘brick” or the sausage thing…

      • Dear rich,

        Are you Dexter in disguise?
        Can I have your autograph please, Dexter?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • if you’re in lust with dexter and want to hop on his body, then i’m dexter. or if you owe him money, yeah, i’m dexter.

      • Dear Dexter,

        No, I just want your autograph so I can flog it on Ebay and possibly make a bob or two.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • in that case, i’ll autograph anything you wish.

      • Dear Dexter,

        I have an old mummified head lying around somewhere. I’ll look for it.

        Love Dotty xxx

  15. Dear Dotty,

    I have no idea what you’re talking about but it makes me laugh nonetheless.

    Besides, practising screaming is not boring at all. Are you practising for the screaming Olympics?

    Reply
  16. Dear Dotty,
    My visitors have fled and I’ve crept out of my CREVICE.
    Grumpy x

    Reply
    • Dear Grumpy,

      What have they done to you? They’ve turned you into a MEANIE.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Nice to see you back. :-)

      Reply
  17. Seems to me like that big hole in the street would be an ideal place to bury the bodies of traitors…

    Reply

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