Dotty’s First Novel – Buy It – Buy It – Buy It Everybody!

 

Not yet though. I haven’t finished writing it but when I do, and when it’s been published by Penguin or Random House or whoever bids the highest amount, you’ll be able to buy it and tell all your friends and family and followers to buy it too.

Here’s an exclusive preview of what I’ve written so far –

 

The

 

It’s BRILLIANT, isn’t it? The Man Booker Prize will be MINE – eat your heart out, hoity-toity literary fuckers, here comes DOTTY HEADBANGER to blow you out of the wordy-water with the best novel ever written in the history of novel-writing.

It’s about THE… something. Or someone. A woman or a man. Or it could be a child – yes, a child would work, people like children. Something bad happens to the child, then something worse happens, then something miraculous happens which brings about a change for the better, then the lesson is learnt and the child lives happily ever after.

Shite, I’ve just told you the ending – I can’t do the child now, I’ve spoilt it by blabbling.

THE man…? THE woman…? THE dog…? THE antelope…? THE house…?

Oh yes, I need to put in a PLOT WITH SOME ACTION IN IT, don’t I? And some CHARACTERISATION. And DIALOGUE (that’s easy, it’s just ‘he said, she said’ – note to self – don’t use anything but ‘said’), and a few nicely layered, grand THEMES - life, death, love, hate, etc etc. A VOICE and some LANGUAGE have to go in too, some ORIGINALITY, some PACE, RHYTHM and FLOW. And an UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING WHAMMY OF AN ENDING.

Hey, it’s like a big pot of soup, isn’t it? In go the carrots, onions, leeks, lentils, flavouring and all the rest of the shite you throw in your soup.

Okay, what else? SUSPENSE – I’ve already got that, you want to know what happens next, don’t you? Because do you see what I did there with my OPENING WORD, the one I carefully and painstakingly selected after weeks of thought? I chose this particular OPENING WORD because it immediately pulls you, the Reader, into the fictive dream I’ve created for you, it transports you to THE WORLD INSIDE MY NOVEL. There’s no AUTHOR INTRUSION, no FLOWERY PROSE, there’s just PURE DRAMATIC FICTION right from the start. BOSH.

 

The

 

I’m working on my SECOND WORD right now but I don’t know whether or not I’ll post it here in case some fucker plagiarises me. You can’t be too careful, authors are thieves and liars by nature (not me!), and I wouldn’t trust an author as far as I could throw it. Hmmm. What to do? I don’t know, I’ll decide when I’ve written my SECOND WORD and let you know, but be prepared, you’ll probably have to wait until the book is launched to read it WHEN YOU HAVE BOUGHT A COPY (hardback).

 

Leave a comment

89 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    Perhaps your book will be about a Cumberland sausage… I think that would be AWESOME.
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      ‘The Cumberland sausage…’

      No, no, I can’t, it’s all going too fast for me – that’s THREE words. I can’t cope.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Throw the literary world a curve all by choosing a pronoun for your second word.

    Reply
  3. I don’t read novels shorter that 3 words…

    Reply
  4. Dear Dotty,
    I suggest Shite for the second word.
    Love Sailor xox

    Reply
    • Dear HS,

      The Shite… of The World

      It’s a possibility. I could add a hairy goat and tie it in with my Shitey Sunday Picture Post, Opheliama — a novel about Holman Hunt!! I’ll ask him if he’ll let me do it when I speak to him next.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Are there going to be pictures for me to color? I’m getting so good at staying inside the lines!

    Reply
    • Dear Victor,

      Yes, I like colouring in as well, there’ll be lots of pictures.

      I think I know my second word.

      It’s ‘End’.

      The – picture picture picture picture picture picture picture (and so on for about 700 pages)- End. (And the full stop).

      Sorted!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    Go for it!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  7. love your attitude

    Reply
  8. I think your novel is finished. You should publish it just with the one word, leave the other 1000 pages blank. Call it a statement.

    Reply
    • Dear Chris,

      Hmmm, that’s appealing. Yes, they could read all sorts of whatever they wanted into the modern art/literature of 1000 blank pages. Yep, forget the colouring in pages, I’ll do the blanks. I’ll keep my new second word though (it’s ‘End’) because I think it doubles the infinite meanings to be found in the pages, don’t you?

      Thank you. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. Where do I send my check to order a copy of your book?

    Reply
  10. I’m not very happy about this, Dotty. That’s the exact same first word I used for my novel. I don’t know how, but it appears that you’ve ripped off my unpublished, Booker Prize worthy masterpiece.

    Kindly put into print your second word, for if it’s Cumberland, I’ll know for sure!

    Reply
    • Dear Darren,

      I think it’s YOU who’s trying to pull a fast one by saying I’ve nicked your first word when really you want to use MY first word because it’s perfect and now you’ve changed your whole novel to incorporate it.

      My second word isn’t Cumberland, it’s ‘End’ – if you’ve used that too, I’m going to sue the arse off you. But the mere fact that you’ve used Cumberland suggests you have some mind-probing thingy set up to get to my ideas. How are you doing it?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        If James Bond films have taught me one thing, it’s that the evil genius always reveals his hand to the hero before the final act. And so, casting myself in that role (swivelling round in black leather chair, stroking the white llama on my lap) I shall deliver to you my coup de gras.

        In order to steal your novel, I firstly acquired a Cumberland sausage making factory, whereupon I proceeded to install tracking devices into each individual sausage (don’t worry, this should not have compromised the quality of the sausage). I knew that from the sheer quantity of Cumberlands you consumed that the signal would be magnified sufficiently for me to locate your whereabouts.

        Having no further use for the sausage factory, I sold it and upgraded to a rather large utilities company, specialising in gas, and then went about having new pipes installed on your street. After that, the rest was easy. Shimmying down the pipes, I was able to steal into your house in the dead of night (treading carefully over a snoozing Kumblant) and hack into your computer (really? your password was cumberland…too easy!!)

        The rest, as they say, is history…or should that be – The End!

        Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

      • Dear Darren,

        I found a strange hair on my laptop keyboard. It was your hair. I saved it in an empty Robinson’s jam jar (Strawberry, With No Bits) because I knew I’d need it. I’ve now sent it away to the genetic cloning lab, along with a hair that Kumblant kindly gave me from one of the hairy forest wild pigs that live in his country. The genetic cloning lab are more than happy to do as I’ve requested (they like fucking around with genes and shite) and they’ve begun the process of cloning both you and the hairy forest wild pig into one BEING with orders from ME incorporated into its new genes, and then they’ll replicate that BEING 9000 times and send them to all the publishers in Britain with the message ‘I AM DARREN AND I STEAL NOVELS’.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • My God! What have you done? You’ve created a monster. Incidentally, my DNA is 33% my own, 33% House Fly and 33% Jeff Goldblum – still, that’s my fault for not cleaning the bloody transporter out since I got it back off him (reference to comment on one of your earlier posts).

        And so it is, the tables have been turned. Once 9000 Darrenpighairyflygoldblums are unleashed on the world, it will surely be armageddon.

      • Dear Darren,

        Armageddon as controlled by me, Dotty. Hehehehehehehe. I can set the Darrenpighairyflythings on ANYONE I WANT TO. I can’t wait.

        Love Dotty xxx

  11. Wow, it’s a mystery novel that will have millions of students writing exam essays on their own interpretations. Genius.

    Reply
    • Dear Rachel,

      Ooooo, yes, I like that – helping future generations to THINK. A revolutionary change for education. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. When the audiobook comes out, please be the one who reads it!!!

    Reply
  13. Dorothy

     /  June 12, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    oh…it’s not about llamas…I’m disappointed :-(
    but I’d still buy a copy!
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
  14. Please, please tell me the last word will be END….. :D

    Reply
  15. Perhaps the Woman Booker Prize…

    Reply
  16. It’s a very intriguing beginning Dotty 8-)

    Reply
  17. Dear Dotty,

    I applaud you for not rushing your work. Too many authors zoom through their writing and then it turns out to suck. So you won’t have this problem.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      Thank you. I like to think I’m thorough. But I wish I could curb the urge to edit as I go along. I can’t bear the thought of a sloppy first draft.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  18. Too Funny!

    Reply
  19. How about…

    THE Dog’s Bollocks????

    Reply
  20. You know what I’m thinking for the second word: facehugger. It could be about my childhood! You can interview me if you’d like

    Reply
  21. Dear Dotty,

    I’m waiting breathlessly — please don’t take too long. 8-)

    Reply
  22. Ok yes I did take your THE but my THE is in an entirely different context so there you can’t sue me!

    Reply
  23. My novel is going to be published by Random Penguin House…
    What exactly does BOSH mean? Is it like Boosh, and is it mighty?

    Reply
  24. “The noise in her head … “? I can see that developing nicely.

    Reply
  25. Dear Dotty,
    This BLOG is a magical novel. It just needs to go into print. Pictures and all.
    Love,
    Magic

    Reply
  1. Dotty’s New Novel – Part 2 – This Is Not A Love Story « Notes From A She-Hermit ©™®

Write a little note to Dotty.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 567 other followers

%d bloggers like this: