The Hidden Horrific Horror Of Hermititis

 

There are some things in this world a woman should never have to see and her own fat arse is one of them. I saw mine. In a mirror, two mirrors to be precise – not because my arse NEEDS two mirrors to be seen (it’s fat but not THAT fat) but because with two mirrors you can do that looking-back thing to see what everyone else sees and I wanted to see what my new combat pants look like (the internet sent them) so I rang Lottie to tell her to bring round the mirrors.

Eight panic attacks (severe enough for two heart attack scares) later and I realised I should have just stayed curious.

Listen to me, She-Hermits – Hermititis is BAD FOR THE ARSE. Very bad. If you’re in the early stages and you’re still able to go out of the house, GET IT SORTED OUT NOW before it gets any worse or your arse will spread like a fucking HUGE blancmange and after a few years it will SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. I’m about a year away from having to have scaffolding erected to hold the fucker up when I walk.

And that’s what’s done it, not WALKING. I used to walk all over the place, I loved walking, but now I can only walk round the house so many times before I’m LITERALLY bouncing off the walls with boredom – walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING.

So I’ve made a decision (HALLELUJAH!) and what I’ve decided is that from tomorrow I’m putting my arse ON A DIET.

This is my diet (below)

 

DOTTY’S FUCKING FAT ARSE DIET.

No more McCain’s Chippy Chips

No more Hobnobs (when I’ve scranned the two packets in the cupboard)

No more Double Gloucester cheese (which is FUCKING LOVELY when grated over a plateful of McCains’s Chippy Chips and thick Bisto gravy (beefy).

No more Goodfella’s Thin And Crispy Twelve Cheeses Pizza (AHA! Betcha didn’t expect me to eat Italian cuisine – I do have SOME secrets I don’t tell you all (y’all)).

 

I think that’s it.

 

As for exercise, I haven’t been able to do my own invention exercise (which you can find HERE – CLICK IT CLICK IT) because I can’t hear the Jaws music properly so I can’t tell when Jaws is circling close to my table. So I looked up arse exercises on the internet and found some that I’ll have a go at, but one I WON’T BE DOING is the one where you have to get down on all fours and cock your leg like a dog pissing on a lamp post. I might have a fat arse but I still have my DIGNITY.

 

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

 

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80 Comments

  1. clownonfire

     /  June 13, 2012

    Dotty,
    For starters, what a great title.
    Moreover, you are fantastic, and couldn’t praise you enough (behind the humour) for encouraging others to still get out while they can. It’d commendable.
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      Thank you.

      I’m hoping the threat of having a big fat arse will be enough of an incentive. ;-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • clownonfire

         /  June 13, 2012

        Dotty,
        We all love a bit of junk in the trunk…. And a one-ab.
        Le Clown

      • Dear clown,

        HA HA HA HA HA HA HA junk in the trunk – I’ve never heard that one.

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. But HobNobs are good for you, Ms. Dots. Better to swear off creme filled biscuits, especially if you don’t eat them in the first place. Nonetheless, I am heading to the gym today, followed closely by my ever-spreading arse.

    Reply
    • Dear Dags,

      Okay, you’ve twisted my arm, because of their oaty health benefits Hobnobs are off the list of banned foods. I don’t eat any other biscuits anyway.

      Have a good work out. Concentrate on your gluteous maximus arsey bits.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. Fish Out of Water

     /  June 13, 2012

    That cheese/gravy/chippy chip thing sounds amazing!! I might think a fat arse would be worth it for that. I commend your determination.

    Reply
    • Dear fishy-fish,

      Oh, it’s DELICIOUS. I had some today with my Cumberland sausages, just to say goodbye to them. I’ll miss them.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Ahh the old ‘the arse is out of the bag’ Yeah, I agree with you, you should have stayed curious. When I was younger my ‘arse’ as you say, was one of the best in town. These days I feel like I there is a gravitational pull to hell and my ass has caught the express lane! Ugh! Thanks for giving me a giggle though. Arse exercise here we come!

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    I agree with Chance Dagger — HobNobs are almost health food. Plus, they’re too crumbly and delicious to sacrifice.

    And thank you for reminding us to get out more. I walk a LOT, because otherwise when I sit down, I look a lot taller than I should because what I’m sitting on is a half meter of ass.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  6. Dear Dotty,
    :)
    Love, LIs
    xoxox

    Reply
  7. Oh no, I’ve been coming down with Hermititis recently, i hope there’s still hope for my fucking fat arse?!

    Reply
    • Dear Rachel,

      No, there isn’t! One day it’ll be like this – oo – and 3 years later it’ll be like this OO. Sort out your Hermititis NOW.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    I would offer to take the yummilicious Double Gloucester off your hands, but my arse and I are lactose intolerant.

    Good luck!

    Love, Missus Tribble xxx

    Reply
  9. Surely the Cumberlands are partly to blame? Switch to Westmorelands!

    Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    I’m sure that your diet and exercise will succeed — either in shrinking you fat arse, or making you famous as the new guru of women’s exercise!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  11. Oh my gosh!!!! Dotty you are so hilarious and honest… I love it!!!! I am literally in tears right now from laughing so hard. I have had such a horrible day so far, and this really just helped put a needed smile on my face and laughter in my lungs. I can relate to this so freakin’ much! As someone who suffers from severe ‘hermititis’ and ‘fart arse syndrome, I can say you speak the truth!!!! I prefer to just keep the image I have in my head of what I think it looks like ’cause the reality is just too horrific. I’m currently in the process of trying to lose the weight from my last depressive episode and it’s a pain in the… well… arse! I’m trying, though. I wish you good luck as you also embark on this weight loss adventure. Just know you have a weight loss buddy over here in the U.S. :)

    Reply
    • Aw man! not “fart arse” lol!!!! I meant to put “fat arse”. Of all the typos I could have made, I had to make that one.

      Reply
    • Dear Summer Moon,

      I thought I was the only She-Hermit who had a big fat arse!! And you’re right, it’s coming out of the dark, dismal, doomy, despairy despond of depression that’s made me want to buy a new pair of pants and ask Lottie for the mirrors and then actually SEE how fat my arse has got. Getting up off it for a while might help me. :-)

      Good luck to you, too. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. You’ve given me an idea for a new blog that I’ll never set up, called
      M.A.F.I.A. F.A.M.I.L.Y. – My Arse Fat Is Abolished (Fat Arsed Mentals In League. Yeah!)

      Reply
  12. I think the Greek term is steatopygous. The term for mine is apygous. The term for bottoms which smell like Double Gloucester is quesopygous.

    Reply
    • Dear Misfit,

      I’ll soon be apygous too, you’ve just put me right off ANY food. When I recover and fancy a bit of Double Gloucester and find I’m too sick and traumatised to eat it, I’m going to hunt you down.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • If you’re callipygous (Aphrodite’s original name), I’ll let you hunt me down.

      • Dear Misfit,

        What if I’m triplopygous? Or monolithopygous? Or (and this is the best one and I can’t stop laughing now) rhinopygous?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I’m very shallow when it comes to bottoms. Calli, and ortho, although rhino might give me the horn. But who nose.

      • Dear Misfit,

        I was creased up laughing at the lists last night. Who knew? There’s a word for everything, even things I never knew existed!!

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I got the words from reading Anthony Burgess. You need the OED with his tricky tomes. Pygophile, I think was the first I learnt, and it stuck with me for shamefully obvious reasons.

      • Dear Misfit,

        I haven’t read him but I will.

        Love Dotty xxx

  13. I need to know about this blancmange thing… I know they talked about it on a Monty Python episode, and I don’t know what it is… and maybe you just got sent a pair of pants that were 27 sizes too small, which in combination with the types of fabric commonly used in combat pants, could, if the mirrors were angled wrong, look like you rear had morphed into some silly-named French food substance… maybe…

    Reply
  14. From this OO to this (___)(____) in just 3 short years of herminitis :D

    Reply
  15. Mollie did a post on my blog… the hello blogesphere one. Any comments will make her day. Thank you, nice lady… or 14 year old fat boy from Kent on Dibbly…

    Reply
    • Dear pmao,

      I’ll be there later – have to do some real life things before I can read anything today (the truant officer is coming round to speak to my mum).

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Good one. But you and Mollie are going to be friends.

      • Dear pmao,

        I think so too. :-)

        But do you really trust this 14 year old fat boy from Kent to type comments to your daughter? Kent is SUCH a tacky county, full of scrats like me.

        Love Dotty xxx

  16. antiquityandadventures

     /  June 14, 2012

    excellent Dotty and good luck with that dignity thing… it’s soooooo over rated

    Reply
  17. Dear Dotty,
    Even I never do “the one where you have to get down on all fours and cock your leg like a dog pissing on a lamp post”.
    *Gives scandalous looks.
    Love,
    HAbiba.
    P.S. [Hermit=hermit, itis=inflammation]

    Reply
  18. Damn funny

    Reply
    • Dear lj,

      Hello again. :-)
      Thank you. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Good to be back I missed your sense of humor . Your posts actually make me burst into laughter everytime I read them and if you do write that so called book I would definitely buy it.

      • Dear lj,

        Thank you. It’s lovely to have you back. :-) :-) :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  19. Dear Little Ms Headbanger: Did you know that the suffix “-itis” means inflammation? Nay, nay, Buckwheat, no inflammation of the she-hermit here! I think the best exercise would be marching in place as you watch the telly. There’s so much trunky junk on tv that your marching feet would turn away from the boob tube and right towards and out the door, with your mind still on the junk. See how it works? Mindless deep breaths, my lovely Dotty, deep breaths. Besides, that’s what our behinds are for…to be behind us and never be seen by us and nobody but us cares about us anyway. Remember, we loves us, butts and all!<3

    Reply
    • Dear paralaxvu,

      I used to do that marching in front of the telly thing when I could use the Wii – I’d jog around Sports Island and have a chat with all my friends, but now I can’t hear what they say so I stopped going there. I think I’m going to have to go back and get used to the Wii world with the sound turned off.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  20. Dear Dotty,
    Can you walk to your bench?
    You’ve never heard “junk in the trunk”?
    Love,
    Maggie
    xoxo

    Reply
    • Dear Maggie,

      No, I can’t go to my bench, I can’t go out. If I could, I wouldn’t have such a fat arse. :-(

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. No, I hadn’t.

      Reply

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