There are some things in this world a woman should never have to see and her own fat arse is one of them. I saw mine. In a mirror, two mirrors to be precise – not because my arse NEEDS two mirrors to be seen (it’s fat but not THAT fat) but because with two mirrors you can do that looking-back thing to see what everyone else sees and I wanted to see what my new combat pants look like (the internet sent them) so I rang Lottie to tell her to bring round the mirrors.
Eight panic attacks (severe enough for two heart attack scares) later and I realised I should have just stayed curious.
Listen to me, She-Hermits – Hermititis is BAD FOR THE ARSE. Very bad. If you’re in the early stages and you’re still able to go out of the house, GET IT SORTED OUT NOW before it gets any worse or your arse will spread like a fucking HUGE blancmange and after a few years it will SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. I’m about a year away from having to have scaffolding erected to hold the fucker up when I walk.
And that’s what’s done it, not WALKING. I used to walk all over the place, I loved walking, but now I can only walk round the house so many times before I’m LITERALLY bouncing off the walls with boredom – walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING, walk, walk, walk, walk, BOING.
So I’ve made a decision (HALLELUJAH!) and what I’ve decided is that from tomorrow I’m putting my arse ON A DIET.
This is my diet (below)
DOTTY’S FUCKING FAT ARSE DIET.
No more McCain’s Chippy Chips
No more Hobnobs (when I’ve scranned the two packets in the cupboard)
No more Double Gloucester cheese (which is FUCKING LOVELY when grated over a plateful of McCains’s Chippy Chips and thick Bisto gravy (beefy).
No more Goodfella’s Thin And Crispy Twelve Cheeses Pizza (AHA! Betcha didn’t expect me to eat Italian cuisine – I do have SOME secrets I don’t tell you all (y’all)).
I think that’s it.
As for exercise, I haven’t been able to do my own invention exercise (which you can find HERE – CLICK IT CLICK IT) because I can’t hear the Jaws music properly so I can’t tell when Jaws is circling close to my table. So I looked up arse exercises on the internet and found some that I’ll have a go at, but one I WON’T BE DOING is the one where you have to get down on all fours and cock your leg like a dog pissing on a lamp post. I might have a fat arse but I still have my DIGNITY.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
clownonfire
/ June 13, 2012Dotty,
For starters, what a great title.
Moreover, you are fantastic, and couldn’t praise you enough (behind the humour) for encouraging others to still get out while they can. It’d commendable.
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear clown,
Thank you.
I’m hoping the threat of having a big fat arse will be enough of an incentive.
Love Dotty xxx
clownonfire
/ June 13, 2012Dotty,
We all love a bit of junk in the trunk…. And a one-ab.
Le Clown
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear clown,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA junk in the trunk – I’ve never heard that one.
Love Dotty xxx
chancedagger
/ June 13, 2012But HobNobs are good for you, Ms. Dots. Better to swear off creme filled biscuits, especially if you don’t eat them in the first place. Nonetheless, I am heading to the gym today, followed closely by my ever-spreading arse.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dags,
Okay, you’ve twisted my arm, because of their oaty health benefits Hobnobs are off the list of banned foods. I don’t eat any other biscuits anyway.
Have a good work out. Concentrate on your gluteous maximus arsey bits.
Love Dotty xxx
Fish Out of Water
/ June 13, 2012That cheese/gravy/chippy chip thing sounds amazing!! I might think a fat arse would be worth it for that. I commend your determination.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear fishy-fish,
Oh, it’s DELICIOUS. I had some today with my Cumberland sausages, just to say goodbye to them. I’ll miss them.
Love Dotty xxx
magikdolls
/ June 13, 2012Ahh the old ‘the arse is out of the bag’ Yeah, I agree with you, you should have stayed curious. When I was younger my ‘arse’ as you say, was one of the best in town. These days I feel like I there is a gravitational pull to hell and my ass has caught the express lane! Ugh! Thanks for giving me a giggle though. Arse exercise here we come!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear magikdolls,
If you find any miracle exercises let me know.
Love Dotty xxx
magikdolls
/ June 13, 2012Sure thing!!!!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear magikdolls,
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
I agree with Chance Dagger — HobNobs are almost health food. Plus, they’re too crumbly and delicious to sacrifice.
And thank you for reminding us to get out more. I walk a LOT, because otherwise when I sit down, I look a lot taller than I should because what I’m sitting on is a half meter of ass.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
I’m keeping the Hobnobs. I have to have some sort of treat, don’t I?
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
Love, LIs
xoxox
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Lisa,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I WISH!!!!!
Love Dotty xxx
DeeDee
/ June 14, 2012I would “like” this if I could. I love that old song. It makes me smile every time.
Carr Party of Five
/ June 14, 2012DeeDee,
It is pretty awesome.
Lisa
xoxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear Lisa,
Love Dotty xxx
rachelmiller1511
/ June 13, 2012Oh no, I’ve been coming down with Hermititis recently, i hope there’s still hope for my fucking fat arse?!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Rachel,
No, there isn’t! One day it’ll be like this – oo – and 3 years later it’ll be like this OO. Sort out your Hermititis NOW.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
I would offer to take the yummilicious Double Gloucester off your hands, but my arse and I are lactose intolerant.
Good luck!
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Oh, poor you, not being able to have Double Gloucester! I shouldn’t give it up, should I – I should enjoy it for both of us.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ June 14, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yes, you should totally eat it for both of us. Please tell it I said hello!
ove, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
I can’t now. Misfit put me off it.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ June 14, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am on Misfit’s page, about to tell him/her off.
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Ha ha ha.
Love Dotty xxx
Daniel
/ June 13, 2012Surely the Cumberlands are partly to blame? Switch to Westmorelands!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Daniel,
No.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m sure that your diet and exercise will succeed — either in shrinking you fat arse, or making you famous as the new guru of women’s exercise!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Judith,
I hope it shrinks my fat arse. One thing I’ll never do again though is use a mirror.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ June 13, 2012Dear Dotty,
Just don’t try two mirrors again!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Judith,
No fear of that happening. I’ve learnt my lesson. I haven’t even mentioned the state of the back of my hair, have I?
Love Dotty xxx
Summer Moon
/ June 13, 2012Oh my gosh!!!! Dotty you are so hilarious and honest… I love it!!!! I am literally in tears right now from laughing so hard. I have had such a horrible day so far, and this really just helped put a needed smile on my face and laughter in my lungs. I can relate to this so freakin’ much! As someone who suffers from severe ‘hermititis’ and ‘fart arse syndrome, I can say you speak the truth!!!! I prefer to just keep the image I have in my head of what I think it looks like ’cause the reality is just too horrific. I’m currently in the process of trying to lose the weight from my last depressive episode and it’s a pain in the… well… arse! I’m trying, though. I wish you good luck as you also embark on this weight loss adventure. Just know you have a weight loss buddy over here in the U.S.
Summer Moon
/ June 13, 2012Aw man! not “fart arse” lol!!!! I meant to put “fat arse”. Of all the typos I could have made, I had to make that one.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Summer Moon,
I did notice but I was too polite to say anything. And I couldn’t anyway because I was laughing too much.
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ June 14, 2012According to my husband I DO suffer from “fart arse syndrome”.
I am totally refusing to cut down on my Brussels Sprout intake because it’s fun making the duvet float in mid-air…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Eeeeeeeewwwwww!
Love Dotty xxx
Missus Tribble
/ June 14, 2012Dear Dotty,
I never said I was a lady. And I don’t do the silent but violent ones.
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Another eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Love Dotty xxx
Summer Moon
/ June 16, 2012Lol!!!! You guys are too funny!
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Summer Moon,
I thought I was the only She-Hermit who had a big fat arse!! And you’re right, it’s coming out of the dark, dismal, doomy, despairy despond of depression that’s made me want to buy a new pair of pants and ask Lottie for the mirrors and then actually SEE how fat my arse has got. Getting up off it for a while might help me.
Good luck to you, too.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. You’ve given me an idea for a new blog that I’ll never set up, called
M.A.F.I.A. F.A.M.I.L.Y. – My Arse Fat Is Abolished (Fat Arsed Mentals In League. Yeah!)
misfits' miscellany
/ June 13, 2012I think the Greek term is steatopygous. The term for mine is apygous. The term for bottoms which smell like Double Gloucester is quesopygous.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Misfit,
I’ll soon be apygous too, you’ve just put me right off ANY food. When I recover and fancy a bit of Double Gloucester and find I’m too sick and traumatised to eat it, I’m going to hunt you down.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 13, 2012If you’re callipygous (Aphrodite’s original name), I’ll let you hunt me down.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 13, 2012Dear Misfit,
What if I’m triplopygous? Or monolithopygous? Or (and this is the best one and I can’t stop laughing now) rhinopygous?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 14, 2012I’m very shallow when it comes to bottoms. Calli, and ortho, although rhino might give me the horn. But who nose.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Misfit,
I was creased up laughing at the lists last night. Who knew? There’s a word for everything, even things I never knew existed!!
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ June 14, 2012I got the words from reading Anthony Burgess. You need the OED with his tricky tomes. Pygophile, I think was the first I learnt, and it stuck with me for shamefully obvious reasons.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Misfit,
I haven’t read him but I will.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 14, 2012I need to know about this blancmange thing… I know they talked about it on a Monty Python episode, and I don’t know what it is… and maybe you just got sent a pair of pants that were 27 sizes too small, which in combination with the types of fabric commonly used in combat pants, could, if the mirrors were angled wrong, look like you rear had morphed into some silly-named French food substance… maybe…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear pmao,
It’s a pink wobbly pudding thing, I haven’t touched it since we were made to eat it at school.
I’m going to check the size.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 14, 2012I always check the size…
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 14, 2012From this OO to this (___)(____) in just 3 short years of herminitis
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 14, 2012or Hermititis if that N didn’t just squeeze on in….. LOL
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Brick,
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CAMERA? HOW DID YOU GET IT INTO MY HOUSE?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ June 14, 2012Lol. I’m the missing brick! Haaaaaaahaaaaaaa.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Brick,
There you are!! I need you in my next post, down in the comments. Quick!!!! Get on your roller boot and hurry up, it’s an emergency!!!
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 14, 2012Mollie did a post on my blog… the hello blogesphere one. Any comments will make her day. Thank you, nice lady… or 14 year old fat boy from Kent on Dibbly…
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear pmao,
I’ll be there later – have to do some real life things before I can read anything today (the truant officer is coming round to speak to my mum).
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ June 14, 2012Good one. But you and Mollie are going to be friends.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear pmao,
I think so too.
But do you really trust this 14 year old fat boy from Kent to type comments to your daughter? Kent is SUCH a tacky county, full of scrats like me.
Love Dotty xxx
antiquityandadventures
/ June 14, 2012excellent Dotty and good luck with that dignity thing… it’s soooooo over rated
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear a&a,
I don’t usually manage it, I don’t know why I’m bothering now.
Love Dotty xxx
antiquityandadventures
/ June 14, 2012Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear a&a,
And the novelty factor is high.
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ June 14, 2012Dear Dotty,
Even I never do “the one where you have to get down on all fours and cock your leg like a dog pissing on a lamp post”.
*Gives scandalous looks.
Love,
HAbiba.
P.S. [Hermit=hermit, itis=inflammation]
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear Habib,
I’m an inflamed hermit?? HA HA HA HA HA HA
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
you said it yourself, or rather posted it
Love,
Habiba.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear Habiba,
What do you recommend for inflammation of Hermits?
Love Dotty xxx
habibadanyal
/ June 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
Better ask a “full-fledged” doc. 
A doctor in the making is as dangerous as a hermit
Love,
Habiba.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 16, 2012Dear Habiba,
Let me know when you’re qualified.
Love Dotty xxx
ljstetina
/ June 14, 2012Damn funny
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 14, 2012Dear lj,
Hello again.
Thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
ljstetina
/ June 14, 2012Good to be back I missed your sense of humor . Your posts actually make me burst into laughter everytime I read them and if you do write that so called book I would definitely buy it.
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear lj,
Thank you. It’s lovely to have you back.
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ June 14, 2012Dear Little Ms Headbanger: Did you know that the suffix “-itis” means inflammation? Nay, nay, Buckwheat, no inflammation of the she-hermit here! I think the best exercise would be marching in place as you watch the telly. There’s so much trunky junk on tv that your marching feet would turn away from the boob tube and right towards and out the door, with your mind still on the junk. See how it works? Mindless deep breaths, my lovely Dotty, deep breaths. Besides, that’s what our behinds are for…to be behind us and never be seen by us and nobody but us cares about us anyway. Remember, we loves us, butts and all!<3
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
I used to do that marching in front of the telly thing when I could use the Wii – I’d jog around Sports Island and have a chat with all my friends, but now I can’t hear what they say so I stopped going there. I think I’m going to have to go back and get used to the Wii world with the sound turned off.
Love Dotty xxx
Maggie O'C
/ June 14, 2012Dear Dotty,
Can you walk to your bench?
You’ve never heard “junk in the trunk”?
Love,
Maggie
xoxo
Dotty Headbanger
/ June 15, 2012Dear Maggie,
No, I can’t go to my bench, I can’t go out. If I could, I wouldn’t have such a fat arse.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. No, I hadn’t.