Dotty Diet Day One

 

It’s Day One of my new diet and I’m reporting in, like I said I would. I’m doing BRILLIANTLY so far. I’ve just had my breakfast, Cumberland sausage sandwiches, and there’s no fatty shite left in the house because I ate it all last night – well, I do live in Yorkshire and I am three quarters Scottish, what did you expect me to do, throw it away and waste all that money? As if.

Here’s what I’ll be having for my dinner -

lettuce

rocket

some other leafy shite

tomatoes (I like baby plums)

beetroot (not pickled – bleaarggh!)

radish

a good squirt of extra-light mayonnaise

AND THAT’S IT.

I wanted to grate some Double Gloucester over it all but I can’t because THIS PERSON put me off it for life. I’m going to miss my cheesey treat but the thought of eating it makes me feel SICK now. Thank you very much.

 

Salad requires a lot of EATING doesn’t it? On average a gobful of mixed salad takes around 32 chews whereas a big bite of Cumberland sausage sandwich takes 15 until it’s masticated enough to swallow without choking yourself. I don’t think I’ve invented this theory, I think it was discovered by an Edwardian who used it as the philosophical basis of THE 32 CHEWS DIET, a diet that says you can eat ANYTHING as long as you chew it 32 times. So now I’m on TWO diets, DOTTY’S FUCKING FAT ARSE DIET and THE 32 CHEWS DIET. Brownie points to ME!

There are other diets I’m considering. That one where you eat lots of meat - THE GREAT PILE OF MEAT ON YOUR PLATE DIET, I can’t remember its real name, it might begin with D. Or the caveman diet (again, I can’t remember the name, fucking STIG OF THE DUMP DIET or something), where all you eat is what cavemen would have eaten, and that’s all good and well because they must have had a healthy diet or we all wouldn’t be here now but what I want to know is if we have to eat what cavemen ate, is this BEFORE or AFTER fire was invented? It makes a big difference – I don’t mind the odd raw Cumberland sausage if I’m too desperate to wait for them to cook, but RAW RATS and RAW INSECTS with a side-dish of BERRIES don’t really appeal to me that much. And what about FAT? During summertime cavemen ate ALL THE FAT THEY COULD GET and stored it on their arses so that in the depths of winter they had a warm cushion between their arses and the cold stone floors of their caves. I might be a She-Hermit, but I don’t live in a cave. Hmmmm.

 

So that’s four diets I’m on if THE STIG OF THE DUMP DIET is intended for AFTER FIRE WAS INVENTED, if it isn’t then I’m only on three. I’m off to look for others – common sense dictates that the more diets I’m on, the more fat I’ll lose. I’ll be swinging my skinny arse round the house in no time.

 

Enjoy your dinner.

 

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36 Comments

  1. Roast beetroot is good. But it’s cheese for me.

    Reply
  2. Good luck, Dotty.

    Someone may need to batten down the hatches later though, as I reckon the wind is set to rise after that wholesome feast of healthiness.

    Reply
  3. Dear Dotty,
    The all meat diet? Wasn’t that the Atkins Diet, popular a few years ago?
    I’m cooking for my brother and his wife this evening.
    Leg of pork leg with a honey-roasted parsnip crust and sage butter, served with mashed potato with spring onions and cheese (concannon) and steamed little diddy cauliflowers. For pudding, I’ve cheated, a bought in chocolate roulade. I shall serve it with whipped cream. For my sister-in-law, who eats like a rabbit, there’s a bowl of salad.
    Sod diets. Best of luck with yours!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  4. I’m putting my fat arse on a diet too. Counting calories and what-not. It’s a drag. At least with calorie-counting I can still eat everything I want. Just a lot less of it, or trading off some MEAT for ICE CREAM.

    Reply
    • Dear DeeDee,

      I used to calorie count but I always got muddled up – 1000 calories a day looks very similar to 10000 calories a day, doesn’t it?

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!
      I need my American Ice Cream Lady – Brick, where are you??

      Reply
      • Dotty, I’ll have to shoot you a big ole tub of sherbet ice cream. Way less calories. :D

      • Dear Brick,

        THANK YOU, MY SAVIOUR.

        I LOVE YOU.

        You’ve been promoted to OVERALL BOSS OF MY COLLECTED AMERICANS. They’re all at your disposal, use them however you want, send them where ever you want, make them buy you whatever you want. Just NEVER, EVER LEAVE ME. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Wow!! Such a huge promotion! I feel so special……

        It does come a life time commitment…hmmmmm

        OK!

        What to do with all these Americans now?????? hmmmm

      • Dear Brick,

        Whatever you want, just keep them quiet and stop them whining.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • no whining?? hmm, some Americans are good at that….Might be tough boss! :D

      • Dear Brick,

        I had to unspam your two comments!!

        I’ll have to go and sort out the collected Americans, I think there are some I haven’t added yet. You have my permission to gag them or whatever you need to do to shut up the loudest whiners. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dorothy

     /  June 14, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    First off, let me say that what you are doing is good if that’s what you want to do. But I need to come forward in defense of all the asses that are fat such as my own. I once weighed 100!!! pounds more than I do now….so I do know what I am talking about. My ass has been LOTS bigger than it is now but it is still proportionally bigger than it should be because when they were spinning the wheel in heaven my ass landed on one thing and my breasts landed on some smaller thing leaving me looking like some bowling pin. There are good reasons for having a fat ass. For instance: when we fall on the ice and snow it hurts less, it offers shade to our legs when we’re walking keeping our legs cooler, we don’t have to bring along one of those little pillows when we fly because we already come equipped, and the best thing I found out was, I could close the dishwasher door with my ass when my hands were full.

    In any case, I hope you enjoy dieting and I wish you all the best of luck. I lost all of my weight when I developed IBS and could no longer eat anything except potatoes, rice, and organic baguettes. No meat, no veggies, no fruit, only those starches…..for the past four years…..but 100 pounds gone. Have a savory, delicious Cumberland sausage sandwich for me and really enjoy Dotty and when you have your salad, chop up another sausage and put it on the salad…that sounds good. ENJOY and happy dieting.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      I’ll admit I did put a Cumberland sausage or six on my salad, just to tone down the BRIGHT COLOURS on the plate. I didn’t have bread with it though! And the way things are going around here, I’ll be put off all the foods I like for the rest of my life if certain people have anything to do with it.

      What you are able to eat sounds boring – and for 4 years!! – can’t they do anything to treat it?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. Ok, what can I give up in support of your diet? hmmmmm have to think on this one

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,

    Your dinner is making me sad.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    I’m sorry you have gone to bed hungry. Dieting is hard which is why I stopped. The Paleo diet is the caveman diet. Some douche doctor just got Freshly Pressed for writing about it. Have a brontosaurus burger and welcome to the 21st century.

    Much Sausage Love,
    Maggie
    xoxx

    Reply
    • Dear Maggie,

      Thank you, I couldn’t remember the name but I read about it a while ago. I’ll go and have a look at the Freshly Pressed and see if they’ve got any good tips.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  9. I’m on a diet of eats whatever da fuks i wants ta! ! ! im jay kaying i need to get on a diet but i need red velvet cake in my tummy ASAP!

    Good luck on you diet.

    Reply
  10. Dear Dotty,

    Brilliant!!!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  11. Dotty… you’re fucking brilliant. You literally make me laugh out loud. And when you’re sitting up in the bed at 2am in the spare bedroom cos you’re getting divorced from your estranged wife and she’s sleeping in the main bedroom with your son next to her, laughing out loud can seem slightly… deranged.

    But that’s okay. I know you understand.

    Reply
    • Dear tlsih,

      There, there. I DO understand.

      I vaguely recall waking up at some point and shouting GIVE ME MY CUMBERLAND SAUSAGES, YOU FUCKER, but I couldn’t have been TOO loud or Dibble would have been banging at the door again.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. Dotty, You can do it. I’m trying as well. It’s a fight everyday but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs

    Reply
  13. How can you be on a caveman diet? The stuff they ate isn’t around any more. Great Hairy Mammoths, Sabre-Toothed Tigers, Fire-Breathing Dragons… There’s similar stuff around but I don’t think that we’re allowed to eat Elephants or Tigers any more (definitely not Tigers – not sure about Elephants) and even the remaining Dragons seem to be protected. Of course, horses are much bigger these days and we’re allowed to eat those, but not many people in Great Britain do. If you cross The Channel, you’ll find specialized shops for horse-meat in France. I think that we’re supposed to eat red meat that is barely cooked to be in good health. And as many uncooked vegetables and fruit that we can, preferably unpeeled (for roughage). However, I insist on cooking potatoes and peeling bananas. To Hell with healthy eating!

    Reply
    • Dear Lady Dennis,

      That’s what I thought when I first heard of it. And I’m sure if a caveman had had the choice between a big raw animal they had to kill themselves and a packet of frozen chips from Tesco they’d have eaten the chips.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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