I’m Fucking Starving

 

I could eat my legs. Raw.

Sorry I haven’t done the comments tonight, my fingers are wasting away and if I type too much they’ll snap off.

I’m going to bed. Hungry. Like the wolf (not Kumblant, the  disloyal little fucker).

I hope I don’t eat my bedroom.

 

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57 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    Please have a HobNob. Also, you’re making ME hungry with this post.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      I did have one (packet) because Hobnobs don’t count, do they, if they’re healthy food? They’re like cucumbers but they’re biscuits.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Hang in there! The first 3 weeks without food are the worst. And then you’re dead.

    Reply
  3. I hear giant pitas are good for getting inside of to hunker down in for warmth and eat through as you get too hungry…

    Reply
    • Dear paralaxvu,

      Please don’t try to tempt me away from my diets with mention of pitta bread or I might

      KEBAB KEBAB KEBAB KEBAB JUICY LAMB KEBAB

      break my diets.

      Love Dotty xx

      Reply
  4. If want some actual advice from someone is 242 pounds (but sexy enough for someone to try* to rub one out on this morning on a packed subway car) think “many mini meals.” Have a few bites. Go hit something with a brick (great exercise). Eat a little more. Work on your cross stitch of the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells and Prince Harry dressed as cumberland sausages. If your apetite isn’t completely gone, have a bit more to eat. The trick is to never get starving hungry. But you’ll never be full either.

    *fucking perverts. And he left before he gave me his number. sigh….

    Reply
    • Dear Cat,

      Mini-meals!! That’s another diet I’m going to add to my diets. Thank you!

      You should have kneed the pervert in his nasty bollocks.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. I feel like eating lots of cupcakes in your memory! Good luck on your diet!

    Reply
  6. Dear Dottygirl,
    I’m the trying ,too.
    Here’s what I’ve figured out:
    When I eat craploads of veggies..it helps the starving. When I drink lotsa water…it helps. When I look at my sexy-butt jeans I’m working for…I’m motivated.
    When I’m grumpy and stressed …it all goes to shite

    Reply
  7. *squishy hugs*
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
  8. Poor Dotty, stick with it, think of your arse and its shrinking size!

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    Yes, please don’t eat your bedroom, it might give you indigestion…
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      The curtains were SO tempting, I had to have a lick of them. And the wardrobe. And the dressing table. And the chaise longue (I’m lying, I don’t have a chaise longue but I’ve always wanted one).

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Me TOO. I keep looking at the furniture stores online and saying… oh if only they weren’t so damned expensive!!!

        I am glad you survived the night without getting a tummy ache :)

        Love,
        -the howler and me

      • Dear the howler and me,

        Last night was worse.

        Love Dotty xxx

  10. Anonymous

     /  June 14, 2012

    Lying In bed hungry too, and I had a big portion of sausage and chips. What’s that about, I’m ravenous.

    Reply
  11. Just hold on Dotty, just hold on…

    Reply
  12. Dorothy

     /  June 15, 2012

    dream of pizza…….mmmmmmm

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,

    I am sending visions of Cumberland sausages to you — I hope your night goes well!

    Love,

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      It did, thank you. :-)

      I can do this
      I can do this
      I can do this
      I can do this
      I can do this

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Yes, you can, to quote Mr. Obama — if nothing else, he is capable of a good speech. More visions of Cumberland sausages on their way — the South Beach Diet is the one where you can eat all the meat you want — not the first, but the most used. Have a lovely day! 8-)

        Love,

        Judith 8-)

      • Dear Judith,

        Thank you for the support. 8-)

        And the South Beach Diet – that makes eleven diets I’m on now. :-)

        Lots of love Dotty xxx

  14. I’ve heard your bedroom is delicious, but that is too much information. Ew.

    Reply
    • Dear robin,

      Not really – the top left hand corner of the wardrobe left a bit of an aftertaste compared to the rest of it (don’t worry, I didn’t EAT it, I just had a lick).

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. Eat celery or pretzels for a snack…just not the whole bag.

    Reply
  16. Hope you have a good night sleep. I can never sleep with an empty stomach….

    Reply
    • Dear SSG,

      EMPTY STOMACH — yes, that was ME!! Me with an empty stomach! You’ve inspired me to carry on… :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  17. Oh! Oh! Now I know who you remind me of… (apart from half the characters from a Viz comic) – an after-the-watershed-realistic-let’s-not-fuck-around-here Adrian Mole.

    You don’t hate me now, do you?

    Reply
    • Dear tlsih,

      I don’t know if I hate you or not yet because I can’t remember what Adrian Mole is like – it’s years and years since I read it. When I find the book (it’s somewhere) and read it I’ll let you know if I hate you or not. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  18. This is a recipe for hamburgers and not just beef patties. If something is advertised as 100% pure beef burger, then it is not really a hamburger–unless they’re trying to be clever and hope to be able to claim that, while the patties are made with things in the mix, the beef that went into them is indeed 100% pure. This is, of course, not clever since all beef is pure, anything else is a mixture. A true hamburger requires additional goodies which, in my greedy opinion, make for a more nourishing treat.

    What you’ll need for 2 big hamburgers or 4 small ones:

    500 grams Plain or Lean Beef Mince. The better the mince, the better the hamburger.
    2 handfuls Bread Crumbs from day old or older bread. Use the grater. Quality bread, which isn’t like polystyrene, will give the hamburger better density and bite.
    2 Large Eggs
    1 Small Onion
    2 Cloves Garlic
    Half Teaspoon Paprika
    Salt and Pepper
    Oil for frying

    (You can fuck around with the spicing, although too much spice can ruin the flavour of the beef. Some recipes also put in a chopped gherkin. You might want to make a lamb hamburger, in which case you can make it with rosemary or mint. You can always go gourmet with lamb and a fruit marmalade. The permutations are dictated by your taste-buds.)

    Cooking:

    Grate the bread for the crumbs into a mixing bowl. Add in the very finely chopped garlic, the paprika, pepper and, to bring out the flavour of the beef, a decent amount of salt, maybe a level teaspoon but be cautious of adding too much. The onion is the tricker part. It has to be very finely chopped. I’ve been doing this (thanks to a real chef’s advice) by cutting off the flatter end, the root section, and then peeling away the outer layers but leaving the stem at the top for something to hold on to. Then I take a small sharp knife and cut a fine-ish chequerboard into the exposed onion surface and slice finely so that the tiny cubes of onion fall into the mixing bowl. Whisk the two eggs quickly with a fork and then pour them into the mixing bowl. Mix the crumb and eggs mixture quickly before adding the mince. Now get your hands dirty. Mix the mince into the crumb and egg mixture until you can hardly tell the difference between the beef and the egg and onion. It can help to work and shape the mixture if you wet your hands with a little cold water.

    Heat about a tablespoon of sunflower or vegetable oil in a large frying pan, at a medium to high heat; should be about three-quarters of the maximum temp–depending on the hob. While the oil heats, shape your burgers, leaving them thick. Plonk them straight into the pan. Don’t press down while they’re cooking, that will force out the succulent juice. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side or a bit longer if you want them well done. Serve with a good relish, perhaps a gherkin or two, or a nice dollop of hot English or whole grain mustard.

    For a bit of quick chip accompaniment, what I do is chop two potatoes, skins on, into thumb-sized chunks and par boil them. When the hamburgers are finished cooking, you can drain the potatoes and, with a bit of extra oil, throw them into the same pan. They shouldn’t take too long too cook if you turn the hob to its maximum temperature and the small bit of moisture from the boiling should make them nice and crispy. Just keep an eye and try to toss them around so they get even-time on each side on the base of the hot pan. Don’t boil them too much, or they’ll break up when you fry them. Enjoy!

    Reply
  19. Hey Boss,

    If you keep collecting diets, you will be able to do a different diet a day.

    If you keep reading your comments people are making about food, you will either A) explode from hunger or B) explode and kill everyone.
    :D

    Reply
  20. WordsFallFromMyEyes

     /  August 19, 2012

    Just don’t eat your computer – it keeps me connected to your sense of humour :)

    Reply

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