I Did It! I Survived The Night And I’m Still On My Eight Diets!

 

I got to sleep with a double-double dose of laudanum and a few glasses of absinthe and a handful of beta-blockers that I pretended were red Smarties. I was still starving when I woke up this morning but I had a good breakfast of –

MEAT (the Atkins Diet)

PORRIDGE (the calorie-counting Diet) 

a BERRY (the Paleo Diet. Did cavemen eat Strawberry Cornettos?)

a SLIM-FAST CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE (the Slim-Fast Diet)

some MUESLI (the Boring Fuckers Healthy Eating Diet)

some SPECIAL K (the Special K 2 weeks Diet)

and my CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE SANDWICHES (Dotty’s Fucking Fat Arse Diet). 

I was still a bit peckish so I sneaked in an item from the allowed foods on the Toast Diet list and I made a bit of toast (the Toast Diet).

 

It’s SO HARD, this dieting shite. How do all these skinny celebs manage to keep it up for always, especially when they have all that money to buy nice things to eat? They must be FUCKING MENTAL.

 

 

Leave a comment

41 Comments

  1. unfetteredbs

     /  June 15, 2012

    way to stay strong.. dieting does suck and those damn celebrities have a boat load of money to pay people to follow their shite around. Do skinny people REALLY have more fun? I doubt it

    Reply
    • Dear bs,

      I don’t know, maybe they DO have more fun, at least I think those who can eat what they like without piling on the pounds do. Not those who have to watch every mouthful though – they’re probably more miserable than fat arsed people.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    Even your post titles are a bleedin’ riot!
    Love,
    Would-Feel-Much-More-Magic-if-They’d-Let-Me-Out-of-This-Fucking-Hospital-Already
    Oh, that’s too long…
    Love,
    Magically Miserable

    Reply
    • Dear Magic,

      Do you want me to make use of my Collected Americans to break you out?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        Dying laughing. Yes, if you have an American Commando in your collection please dispatch him to McLean Hospital, Proctor 2 for a rescue. Thank you for your generosity, as always.
        Love,
        Magic

      • Dear Magic,

        Hmmm, the best qualified one has been posted elsewhere right now, but I’ll see what I can do. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        You rock!
        Love,
        Magic!

  3. Dear Dotty,

    Atkins — that’s the name I was trying to remember! Sounds to me like you have a great handle on things! And fear not: Any diet makes anyone mental! 8-L

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  4. Dorothy

     /  June 15, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    The secret is not wanting to eat anymore, replacing the desire for food with disgust. It takes time though and insanity. Calling diets diets is also bad because the brain considers it deprivation and starvation. It took me awhile to reprogram my brain into believing I didn’t need all of the good food and look now all it tries to do is kill me on occasion! Congratulations though on that first night!
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      Yes — my favourite, favourite pizza used to be Dr Oetkers Garlic & Mushroom until one night I had a nasty sickness bug after I’d eaten one – now I can’t even stand the smell – actually, just thinking about them makes me feel queasy.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. clownonfire

     /  June 15, 2012

    Dotty,
    Could you get on a ninth diet for me? A ventriloquist dieting… Something groundbreaking… You diet, and I lose weight?
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      Howsabout YOU diet, AND do all the exercise? I’ll count the calories for you and we’ll split the difference.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. I don’t know how the diet thing works, I try it, and I fail. I either don’t eat or I eat too much. Its pretty lame. When I am at work and I get an urge to munch, I chew on some gum?

    You can do it!
    Sara

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,

    The idea of combining 8 diets is fucking genius. That means you know it must be 8 times as effective as just one diet. Brill.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  8. I’m curious… as an ex-pat living in America… am I a collected American or just a traitor to my homeland?? :D

    Reply
  9. I drank a yucky protein drink for breakfast, just to be tortured with you :D

    Reply
    • Dear Brick,

      Thank you for supporting me, but don’t do it, don’t do it, I can’t cope with thinking my Brick is miserable. EAT SAUSAGES.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  10. Let me have the double double dose of laudanum and the few glasses of absinthe and I’ll think about it…

    Reply
  11. I only diet on weekdays… weekends and vacations, all bets are off.
    Cavemen did the fresh strawberries and working really really hard diet.
    I like Special K with the dried berries. They have a new blueberry flavored one, or at least we, here in the civilized world of processed foods do.

    Reply
  12. Great job, Dotty!!! Not easy at all, so that’s awesome you are hanging in there. Keep up the great work! :)

    Reply
  13. Hi Dotty! I’ve just nominated you for the Sunshine Award. :) You can read more about it here if you’d like: http://mybipolarbubble.com/2012/06/16/i-thank-you/. Please don’t feel you need to accept it if you don’t want to. No hard feelings if you don’t. I just wanted to nominate you ’cause I absolutely love your blog. You never cease to make me laugh and tear up with pure hilarious enjoyment. :)

    Reply
  14. Dear Dotty,
    Yes, Celebrities are totally MORE MENTAL than any of us regular people… I mean who wants to eat a pea for dinner and be satisfied???

    Gimme a REAL meal. FUCK being all skin and bones… real women have CURVES :)

    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
    • Dear the howler and me,

      I don’t know how they CAN be satisfied with what they eat. If I ate the small amount they ate my hair would be lank(er), my complexion would be GREY and I’d feel like shite. They must eat vitamin pills instead of meals!!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. Of course they’re all mental! And on all sorts of drugs – prescription or otherwise. And laxatives. Just imagine not being allowed to eat chocolate – or, in your case, Cumberland sausages! Forever! Or at least until you’re no longer a celebrity. Which could take decades. No! Fame is not for me! Which is fortunate, because I’m obviously not for it, either.

    Reply
  16. There are these pills, “Mexican diet pills”, you take them one time and then when you’ve lost enough weight you take some other pills for about a week. You can eat whatever you want because the pills hatch inside you and eat almost all of what you take in. It’s all rather disturbing. But then so are diet chips made with Olestra or Olean which requires a diaper to be worn after eating them, just in case of leakage.

    Celebs don’t diet, they just have the money to have the fat sucked out of their butts and some injected back into their lips once a week. Something to think about when you see them on t.v.

    Reply

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