Dottygeddon – The Aftermath


Well, I suppose you know the routine by now. This time it went -


Fire Brigade


jags in the arse


They tried to keep me in (Section blah-blah-fuckitty-fuck) and this time Scotty wasn’t there to shag the FEMALE HEADSHRINKER into compliance so for a while it looked like you wouldn’t be seeing me again for however long UNTIL I remembered I had my mobile phone in my pocket and on my mobile phone are the photos Scotty took when he was in the toilet cubicle with her so I let her have a little look at them and she signed me out, no problem. Before you judge me and accuse me of BLACKMAIL, no I’m not a BLACKMAILER, I’m a SHE-HERMIT and She-Hermits don’t DO hospital stays.


I’m vague about what went on before they came and carted me off (Lottie filled me in later), but the bits I do remember include –


 me standing at my bedroom window frisbeeing my cds at the gasmen (I hope I didn’t use my Doo Wop!!!!)

me lighting a little bonfire in my kitchen – I don’t know who built the bonfire, it might have been me.

something smashy happening with my lump hammer, I don’t know what but when I got home my cooker was missing.

And that’s all I remember until I woke up.


Bits of me are stitched, other bits are bruised and I’ve been wondering if the bruises were caused by little Emily giving me a good kicking but Branwell swears she was at home the other night so it couldn’t have been her. The bit of me with the most stitches is my forehead, six, seven or eight (it’s hard to tell the exact amount without a mirror) in a continuous line so it’s definitely a brick slice, not the trepanning. It doesn’t hurt though, the painkillers she sent me home with are GOOD.


On the POSITIVE SIDE (yes, I’m still being positive) –

1 – all my windows are intact

2 – Lottie said the surgeons managed to extract the CD from the digger-driver’s neck AND IT ISN’T A DOO WOP CD. It’s a bootleg copy of Bat Out Of Hell II which I’m not that bothered about because I bought the proper one a couple of years ago. It did cost me a fiver at the time though but I don’t suppose the NHS will reimburse me even though I bet the surgeons took so long to get it out because they didn’t want to snap it or affect its playability.

3 – No one else was injured apart from me and the digger-driver. Lottie disagrees, she includes the boss of the gasmen in the count but I wouldn’t class being scalped as being INJURED, would you? He had a bit of receeding going on at the front anyway. If I could go out I’d nip out the front and have a little look for it, it’d make a nice trophy, I could hang it next to Jolyon, my mounted boar’s head. Lottie’s being a bitch again, she won’t go and find it for me.

4 – I had a good, long sleep.


So that’s me. I’m not hiding ANYTHING from you, I’m being as truthful and honest as whatever is the most truthful and honest thing in the world, which might be a newborn baby but it might not because who knows what newborn babies aren’t telling us? I’m expecting a visit from Dibble later so I’m off to make some nice Cumberlaudanum sausage sandwiches in case I need to feed them.



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  1. Hang in there, Dotty. You can’t go wrong with Doo Wop. For some reason I’ve got the Marcels’ “Heartaches” running through my head. Dem-dem-dem-dem

    • Dear Smaktakula,

      I’ve had a look at my Doo Wop collection and everything seems to be there. I’d have been a bit pissed off if something was missing. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

    • clownonfire

       /  June 20, 2012

      Smak is just here to get more readers. Not like Le Clown. He’s a class act, and he really cares. Hang in there, Dotty.
      Le Clown

  2. Dear Dotty,

    I don’t do hospitals either and refuse to stay in overnight. If I spend a night in hospital it will be because I’m either unconcious or DEAD!

    Love, Missus Tribble xxx

    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      Me too. Except I hope if I’m dead I’ll be out haunting some fucker, not stuck in hospital. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

  3. Your aim was kung-fu if the bootleg hit him in the neck.

  4. Dear Dotty,
    I guess you got tired of being in the tumble dryer, eh?
    I am glad you didn’t break your brick.
    -the howler and me

  5. GOOD painkillers and good long sleeps are definitely reasons to still be positive. I’ve also heard that surgeons like having music on whilst operating so that probably took long because after they extracted it they stuck around to have a bit of a sing-a-long xx

  6. Was it the diets that did it? xx

    • Dear Daniel,

      Do you know, you might be on to something there. I didn’t think of that. I might have a deficiency in something essential. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dear Dotty,

    I hate that you had to have 6, 7, or 8 stitches in your forehead. A really good gash, about three inches long will bleed a lot but hurt only a little. You could’ve put on a big show — remember that for next time, okay. Good for you for avoiding the section whatever word comes next. I would think that for she-hermits, using a little blackmail to stay out of hospital is a fair trade! Hang in there, my friend! 8-)



    • Dear Judith,

      Yes, there is quite a lot of blood around, inside and out.

      I’m not proud of blackmailing her (well, I am a little bit), but needs must.

      Lots of love, Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,

        Needs must, indeed. I’ve been thinking — maybe you should try the 6-inch gash, or other ugly head wound of any kind, on Lottie, and then handle it as if it were nothing at all. 8-)

      • Dear Judith,

        Much as I’d love to (and I used to experiment on her when we were young), I wouldn’t want to frighten THE BERSERKERS – she might be my bitch-sister, but she’s their mother and I couldn’t do it to them. When they get older, yes. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  8. shrewdbanana

     /  June 20, 2012

    Bad Dotty. Naughty Dotty. Tut tut, Dotty.
    I am shocked – not ‘Shocked of Tunbridge Wells’ as I don’t live there, but ‘Shocked’ with a capital ‘S’ nevertheless!
    And I am also very, very glad that they didn’t keep you locked up, because where would that leave me with no mad blog to read on a daily basis? Did you stop and think about that at all, eh?
    Well, I’ll tell you where I’d be: I’d very likely be joining you there too before long, and I don’t suppose the NHS could cope with the sudden influx of mad cows, could they?
    And I have no blackmailing photos to use, so I’d most probably end up having to resort to ….uh-oh. Not THAT again …
    (No, definitely nuh-uh from me.)
    So please don’t lob any more CDs for a while, and keep your lump hammer-time to yourself, OK, Dotty?
    I’d miss you!

  9. Sometimes I wonder if I should be concerned about you. Even more than I already am.

  10. Dorothy

     /  June 20, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Damn, yeah, I’m happy you’re home and happier you hit the digger with Meatloaf…haha….good for you! Must have been a riot….if only the brick could speak but I suppose it would only say…ooh, owie..ooh…stop that! Enjoy your visit with Dibble, I’m sure he’ll bite a sandwich or two or three. Good luck.
    Love Dorothy

  11. I’m glad it was Bat Out Of Hell II. If it had been the original Bat Out Of Hell, you and I would have to have a serious sit-down discussion.

    • Dear tlsih,

      If it had been the original Bat Out Of Hell, I and MYSELF would have to have a serious sit-down discussion!

      Love Dotty xxx

  12. Dear Dotty,

    What a relief. Good thing Scotty had those photos. That could have been ugly otherwise.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

  13. Bat Out of Hell II is great!!

  14. I can see the men on the street now trying to dodge CDs coming out your window yellow “You crazy F@#$! :D Glad you got to peg a couple of them!

    PS, thanks for the “gift”! I even gave you a little shout out and gift back… check it out :D

  15. Dear Dotty,
    My (only slightly alcoholic) brother was unceremoniously sent to a mental ward several years ago on what they call a 51-50 in these here parts. With my (superior) knowledge of the medical field, having been a medical transcriptionist for 35+ years, I donned my doctor disguise and got him out. This is a true story. So the next time anyone you know needs help in a mental ward, contact me. I got ideas…

    Love, Dr. Paralaxvu

    • Dear paralaxvu,

      Thank you, you might regret offering in future if the shagging psychiatrist switches jobs. :-)

      Hope your brother was okay.

      Love Dotty xxx

      • There’s only one thing: I don’t know how to shag;-)
        And someday I’ll post a bit about my brother.

      • Dear paralaxvu,

        Oh, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to shag them. Scotty’s a bit of a man-tart, it’s what he does. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  16. I’ve already hinted at my opinion of doctors and hospitals in a comment on one of your previous posts, so I won’t go into that again. I’m so happy that you managed to escape – by whatever means. Blackmail’s nothing compared to being in THEIR hands. Take two Cumberland sausages, a pain-killer and stay in bed. Great place, bed!

    • Dear Lady Dennis,

      I never want to get up out of bed in the morning now for some reason. I’m usually up at 5.30am, but I could lie in bed all day if I didn’t make myself get up.

      Love Dotty xxx

      • Can’t beat bed! It’s Winter here and I’m seriously considering hibernating until Spring. Why wasn’t I born a bear?

      • Dear Lady Dennis,

        It feels like winter here and it’s supposed to be summer!

        Love Dotty xxx

        P.S. If you were born a bear you’d be called Lady Bear and you wouldn’t be able to wear the nice hat you have on in your gravatar picture.

      • True. But it’s a hat from before WW1. It’s probably moth-eaten by now anyway.

      • Dear Lady Dennis,

        I HATE moths. I do a moth check every night – if I see one I have to hunt it down or I can’t sleep. How do you cope with them in your hair?

        Love Dotty xxx

  17. Dear Dotty,
    Diets will make you crazy. That’s why I don’t do it.
    Hope you are feeling better She-Hermit!


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