I spent yesterday afternoon in a bit of a tizz, wondering why I was SO bothered about the state of my house that I felt the need to advertise for a cleaner. I don’t usually notice how manky it is – it’s a good couple of months since I was last aware of it. And then I remembered – today would have been my dead husband ex-Simon’s birthday and I was missing his marvellous house-cleaning skills! If there was one thing he was good at, it was cleaning. I’m not buying him a card though, he’s dead, it’d be a waste of money and anyway I don’t think they make cards that say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE I LOVED UNTIL HE TURNED INTO A TWAT AND I HAD TO KILL HIM,‘ do they? Actually, they probably do, they make cards for everything nowadays.
Thinking back, I should have had our horoscopes done when I met him, to suss out our levels of compatability. Two Cancerians? Nah, no chance, it was DOOMED in the stars – CRAB FIGHT ALERT, CRAB FIGHT ALERT - written there for all to see and all I had to do was LOOK – but I didn’t. Idiot. He was a sulky git (have I told you that in Parts 1, 2 or 3a? I might have, I don’t know). He could sulk for days if he had a mind to – he was sulking on the day I shot him because I didn’t like the present he gave me (a reminder of what it was in case you can’t be bothered to go back and read the other posts - a fucking HOOVER for my Valentine’s Day present). It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s STILL sulking about that day – GET OVER IT, EX-SIMON, WE ALL HAVE TO DIE SOME TIME, IN SOME WAY.
Whatever age he would have been today – and I’m not telling you so don’t ask me – his mind would have been around 98 going on 150. Talk about OLD BEFORE HIS TIME – think of a cross between Edward Norton (looks), a young Robert De Niro (looks) and Victor Meldrew, Patrick the Astronomy bloke whose surname I can’t remember, and EVERY OTHER WHINGEING OLD MOANING BASTARD YOU’VE EVER KNOWN (personality) and that was ex-Simon. I did him a favour – fuck knows what he’d have been like if I’d let him live to 35.
So anyway, I’m having a little birthday party for him tonight. My guests will be ME and BRANWELL, who called round this morning for his breakfast. I don’t know where the fuck little Emily is, she’s probably eloped with the stinking pygmy dog-man, but I’ll get it out of Branwell tonight when he’s pissed and in a fugue. He thinks he’s being clever and cagey when he avoids my questions about her but I’m not STUPID, I once did a MENSA test and got all the questions RIGHT (except maths) and it only took me 3 months to complete so my IQ is fucking SKY HIGH, it’s out of the ATMOSPHERE, it’s zooming towards PLUTO (the planet, not the dog).
I did have a fleeting feeling that it might be WRONG of me to have a birthday party for ex-Simon, but Branwell said No, birthday parties are NEVER wrong, so that put my mind at rest and I’ve started cooking already. Here’s what’s on the party grub list -
Cumberlaudanum Sausage sandwiches (a HUGE pile of them)
An opium birthday cake
Another opium cake with chocolate chips
Laudanum fairy cakes with buttercream (Branwell’s favourite)
Absinthe
More Absinthe
Opium
Laudanum
A strawberry jelly (with laudanum)
A packet of Texas BBQ Pringles (left over from Christmas)
A home-made opium, laudanum, absinthe, Hellman’s Extra Light Mayonnaise DIP for us to dip the Pringles in
And I have no fear that this party will end up like the other one (that was a BAD party) because Branwell is nice and kind and won’t laugh at me when I do the AGADOO-DOO-DOO dance because I TAUGHT HIM IT and he LOVES IT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EX-SIMON, where ever you are.
Missus Tribble
/ July 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
Can I have my absinthe back please?
Love, Missus Tribble xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Missus Tribble,
Nope, sorry. I need it for tonight.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 3, 2012You are aware that a birthday party for a dead X which involves the poison which killed him, is, by the letter of the Grand Grimoire, the only way to conjure him back into existence.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Misfit,
Ah, but I didn’t poison him. I shot his head off.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 3, 2012Not the apple, but his eye.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Misfit,
One of them (I think it was the left one) ended up in the bowl of pot pourri on my windowsill.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 3, 2012potpourri made from, among other dead flowers, and Iris.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Misfit,
I didn’t keep it. I emptied it in the bin and refilled the bowl.
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ July 3, 2012Ms. Headbanger,
Please do not add yourself to the long list of souls led to self-blame by astrology. Astrology is utter tosh. I’m sure it’s your fault for a variety of reasons, none of which have anything to do with the movement of celestial bodies.
Highest regards,
Mr. Sterling Silva
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
No, I have to disagree. I had a bit of a mental going on last week and it was in the run-up to THE FULL MOON. My star sign is RULED BY THE MOON. I’m a MOONIE. THE MOON affects me greatly, like it does the ebb and flow of the tide. IT’S ALL THE MOON’S FAULT.
Love Dotty xxx
Sterling Silva
/ July 3, 2012Dear Ms. Headbanger,
Yes. Of course you’re right. The moon is at fault. Tort laws in the realm of astrology and/or onomy are steadfast.
Highest Regards,
-S
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Mr Silva,
Yes, they are. And also, the man in the moon is a bit of a power-hungry git, he loves to watch the emotional to-ing and fro-ing he causes, it makes him feel special.
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ July 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
I also have a deceased husband who had sparkly cleaning skills! I don’t think I’ll ever get over the loss of spotless floors and sanitized countertops.
The fighting crabs warranted an image – see here: http://enchantingkerala.org/gallery/displayimage.php?album=51&pos=44
Did you really shoot Simon? I killed Henry, but not with a gun or any real weaponry.
Do you really use laudanum? I don’t think it’s legal here in the US.
Finally, do you still love me? Because I have Borderline and therefore if I don’t hear from someone it must be that the person hates me, that I’ve done something wicked. And I made that special award and I thought you’d like it but you didn’t, and it made me sad, thinking you must feel like I was copying your clever awards. Really I made it because of the incredible support I feel here in the blogosphere compared to in the real world. Although it was a most scattered post…anyway, I sincerely hope I haven’t lost you.
Love, Magic
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Magic,
Yes, I shot Simon.
Yes, I drink laudanum.
Yes, I still love you – but I had my own mental week last week (it’s still not resolved) and I’ve got a massive backlog of blog reading to catch up on so I haven’t even seen your post yet, or your award. Sorry.
Love Dotty xxx
magicallymad
/ July 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m sorry you had a terrible week. Is the shooting story on here? I’m hella curious!!! I assume you were under attack? Good lord, that’s insanity! Well, that explains the badass in you. Although you probably had that rockin’ before…Hugs, I hope you come out of the mentals soon. Right here with you, in the meantime. Lucky us!
Love,
Magic
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Magic,
Sorry you’re having a mental too.
I haven’t actually done a full post about the day of the shooting but I posted the statement I gave to Dibble if you want to read it -
http://dottyheadbanger.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/a-statement-from-the-accused/
and I did 3 posts about ex-Simon which I really should add to my Shitey Family page but like everything else, I haven’t spring-cleaned my blog for ages and it’s in a bit of a mess.
Love Dotty xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Magic,
I’ve done it, I’ve had a little spring-clean!
The updated page is here –
http://dottyheadbanger.wordpress.com/dottys-shitey-family-the-whole-sorry-story/
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ July 3, 2012Dear Dotty Dillinger,
Bang-bang, ex-Simon. Enough of him!
Someone whose IQ is as high and exalted as yours should probably be reminded that Pluto, our littlest planet for centuries, is all-of-a-sudden no longer a planet at all —
Love,
Judith
8-) 
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Judith,
Why isn’t Pluto a planet any more? That’s not fair.
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. Dotty Dillinger – LOVE IT.
Christopher De Voss
/ July 3, 2012you should start your own line of specialized greeting cards for hermits and such
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Chris,
Now that’s an idea. Photoshop here I come!!
Love Dotty xxx
Darren
/ July 3, 2012Dear Dotty
Not wishing to sound like a boring old nag…but isn’t it a bit unwise to have a party before you have a cleaner in place? If, however, you insist on going ahead, I’d advise to only use one layer of paper for pass the parcel. You’ll be grateful in the morning when you’re suffering from the world’s biggest laudanum/absinthe hangover!
Anyway, not sure what happened to my invite. Not to worry though, as I’d have to of declined – Sky at Night and One Foot in the Grave are repeating on Dave tonight!!!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear Darren,
Oh no, not another old young man! Why? Why do you all have to be that way?
Re. the cleaner – it’s only me and Branwell at the party and Branwell’s busy dancing to Rasputin on Just Dance on the Wii at the moment (he’s quite good) – hmmm, actually, you’re right, it would have been wiser to wait. Never mind, I’ll make him do it all in the morning.
Love Dotty xxx
faithhopechocolate
/ July 3, 2012That scary Patrick the astronomer bloke is Patrick Moore. For some reason I always think he wears a monocle, but I’ not sure if he does. Monocles are cool, but not on him.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 3, 2012Dear fhc,
Thank you, when I tried to think of his name all that popped up was Patrick Mower but I knew it wasn’t him – but I was NEARLY right!!!
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 4, 2012Forget dead ex-Simon, don’t think I missed the fact that you also either had a birthday or you are about too! (Duel Cancers gave you away – LOL)
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 4, 2012Dear Detective Inspector Brick,
Yes – it’s in a couple of weeks.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 4, 2012LOLLLLLLL, I read to many Encyclopedia Brown books as a kid. LOL
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear Brick,
Encyclopaedia Brown?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 5, 2012Kids book. He was like a young Sherlock Holmes
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear Brick,
Aha!
Love Dotty xxx
rachelmiller1511
/ July 4, 2012I’m never totally sure the percentage of made-up-ness of your blog, so sometimes it’s a kind of uncomfortable laugh that comes out at first, but by the end I don’t care coz I’m laughing so much!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear Rachel,
Good.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ July 4, 2012Dear Dotty,
Parties are always a good idea when it comes to birthdays
I hope you had a good time with Branwell
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear the howler and me,
We had a lovely time, thank you.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ July 4, 2012This party grub list makes my mouth water!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear Swordy,
It WAS yummy.
Love Dotty xxx
Angel Fractured
/ July 5, 2012Haven’t you heard? Pluto’s no longer a planet. That’s old hat.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear Angel,
Yes, Judith told me. Poor Pluto.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 5, 2012Parties for dead people are fine… but if you killed them, some might consider it a bit taudry.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 5, 2012Dear pmao,
I know, that’s what I was worried about – my first party in years and I kill my guest. Not good.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012It just doesn’t reflect well on the hostess, I must say.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
Hmmm, maybe you’re right. oh well, never mind.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012Just try to keep the number of fatalities down to a minimum.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
I’ll try.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012That is all your friends and future potential victims ask.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
No, they ask much, much more of me but I don’t have enough to go round.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012Well, feel free to kill the pushy, obnoxious ones…
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
I do. I mean, I will.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012Sometimes you scare me a little…
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
I don’t know why.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 6, 2012Forget I said anything… please…
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear pmao,
Okay, I’ll try.
Love Dotty xxx