These are the floorboards I’m hiding under.
They’re made of wood.
Wood gives you SKELFS.
*
*
This is one of my suits of armour.
I’m wearing it to solve the problem of SKELFS.
It’s not my NICEST suit of armour, but it offers the most protection
against not only SKELFS but SPIDERS and OTHER NASTY THINGS
that live under floorboards. And the matching sword has a FINE slice to it.
I haven’t bothered putting on the chain mail, I don’t need it today,
I’ve worn my WORDY ERROR HAIR-SHIRT instead.
Unless there’s a particularly BIG SKELF waiting for me -
maybe I SHOULD have worn chain mail.
Fuck.
Oh well, it’s too late now.
Can someone pass me a Cumberland sausage sandwich, please?
*
*
gingerfightback
/ July 6, 2012On its way Dotty – brown or red sauce?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Ginger,
No sauce, thank you, it’s spoils the flavour of the Cumberland sausages.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 6, 2012I hear her-suit.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Misfit,
Now that DID make me laugh.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ July 6, 2012This looks like the suit of armor I wore to my prom.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Swordy,
We didn’t have a prom, we had a choice between the disco in the school hall and watching a video of The 39 Steps in the music room. I watched the film.
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ July 6, 2012Shouldn’t the plural of skelf be skelves? And why would a thin person be hiding under your floorboards?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
I don’t care about grammar any more.
There isn’t a thin person hiding under my floorboards. There’s me.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ July 6, 2012Dear Dotty,
I’m sure you’ll tell us the reason you are under the floorboards. So I’ll just say that I’m very happy to see you so well protected!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Judith,
Thank you. It’s all because of what happened last night on my last post. I’m doing my punishment.
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ July 6, 2012How do you keep your suit of armor so shiny?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Robin,
Lots of spittle and an old cotton sock.
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ July 6, 2012When I was 5 and at my big brother’s little league game, I washed my parents car with spit and kleenex. The story get told every time we are together.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Robin,
It gives a good shine, doesn’t it?
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ July 6, 2012The car sparkled.
Angel Fractured
/ July 6, 2012I had to look up what a skelf is . . .
Isn’t that kind of the most complicated way possible to try to avoid skelfs?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 6, 2012Dear Angel,
Possibly, but it’s very effective.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 7, 2012I knew all of you English has your own suits of armor… including fancy ones for formal occasions.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 7, 2012Dear pmao,
Yes, this is my old one I used to wear for gardening.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 7, 2012The sword would be quite useful for cutting weeds.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 7, 2012Dear pmao,
And spies who hid behind my shed.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 7, 2012Useful tools indeed.
saradraws
/ July 8, 2012Dear DHB,
Your suit of armour looks a bit like it has nipple tassles.
You go girl.
Much love,
SD (a.k.a. TRM)
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 9, 2012Dear Sara,
HIYA!
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 8, 2012I’m still trying to figure out how you eat the sausages through those little holes in the armor…hmmm
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 9, 2012Dear Brick,
With great difficulty, let me tell you. I had to spend hours spitting and polishing it clean.
Love Dotty xxx
Matilda
/ July 9, 2012Hi Dotty,
What is SKELF? I would Google it, but I Googled Google earlier and now the search engine has devoured itself, shat itself and refuses to do business with me again.
Animal, vegetable or mineral?
I anxiously await your response.
Matilda
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 9, 2012Dear Matilda,
Hello.
A skelf is a splinter.
Love Dotty xxx