HELLO! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

 

These are the floorboards I’m hiding under.

They’re made of wood.

Wood gives you SKELFS.

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*

This is one of my suits of armour.

I’m wearing it to solve the problem of SKELFS.

It’s not my NICEST suit of armour, but it offers the most protection

against not only SKELFS but SPIDERS and OTHER NASTY THINGS

that live under floorboards. And the matching sword has a FINE slice to it.

I haven’t bothered putting on the chain mail, I don’t need it today,

I’ve worn my WORDY ERROR HAIR-SHIRT instead.

Unless there’s a particularly BIG SKELF waiting for me -

maybe I SHOULD have worn chain mail.

Fuck.

Oh well, it’s too late now.

Can someone pass me a Cumberland sausage sandwich, please?

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Leave a comment

28 Comments

  1. On its way Dotty – brown or red sauce?

    Reply
  2. I hear her-suit.

    Reply
  3. This looks like the suit of armor I wore to my prom.

    Reply
    • Dear Swordy,

      We didn’t have a prom, we had a choice between the disco in the school hall and watching a video of The 39 Steps in the music room. I watched the film.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  4. Shouldn’t the plural of skelf be skelves? And why would a thin person be hiding under your floorboards?

    Reply
    • Dear paralaxvu,

      I don’t care about grammar any more.
      There isn’t a thin person hiding under my floorboards. There’s me.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    I’m sure you’ll tell us the reason you are under the floorboards. So I’ll just say that I’m very happy to see you so well protected!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Thank you. It’s all because of what happened last night on my last post. I’m doing my punishment.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  6. How do you keep your suit of armor so shiny?

    Reply
  7. I had to look up what a skelf is . . .

    Isn’t that kind of the most complicated way possible to try to avoid skelfs?

    Reply
  8. I knew all of you English has your own suits of armor… including fancy ones for formal occasions.

    Reply
  9. Dear DHB,
    Your suit of armour looks a bit like it has nipple tassles.
    You go girl.
    Much love,
    SD (a.k.a. TRM)

    Reply
  10. I’m still trying to figure out how you eat the sausages through those little holes in the armor…hmmm

    Reply
  11. Hi Dotty,

    What is SKELF? I would Google it, but I Googled Google earlier and now the search engine has devoured itself, shat itself and refuses to do business with me again.

    Animal, vegetable or mineral?

    I anxiously await your response.

    Matilda

    Reply

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