Shitey Sunday Picture Post – Help Me Choose A New Pair Of Shoes

 

I need some new shoes. I haven’t bought any for over three years (what’s the point?) but I’m sick of the ones I’ve got so I’ve decided to get some more. My problem is I didn’t realise how the fashions have changed since I contracted Hermititis and People Phobia – there are some FUCKING BEAUTIFUL shoes around and I WANT THEM ALL. But I can’t afford them all so I’ve narrowed the selection down to my absolute favourites, sensible shoes for walking the moors (when I get out of this house again), for shopping, and for general everyday wear.

Help me choose which to buy, please – trying to make a decision for myself only results in multiple panic attacks.

 

*

WHEELIE SHOES

I LOVE the wheelie shoes so much I couldn’t make up my mind between these

and these.

*

*

WHIRLY SHOES

On second thoughts I could probably make a pair of

these for myself by melting and remoulding a section

of my washing machine.

*

*

APOCALYPSE SHOES

Since humans began to wear shoes we’ve lost  the ability to run vast distances in our bare feet.

Our feet have become SOFT and WUSSIFIED, pampered plates of tenderised meat that will be

an EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL HINDRANCE to us when the APOCALYPSE comes and shoes

no longer exist. I like these because they’ll prepare us for that time.

*

*

SHOES WITHOUT HEELS SHOES

Hmm, perhaps not. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is.

*

*

BALLOONY SPORTS SHOES

 Now I do like these, very much. I could BOUNCE

my way round 24 hour Tesco!!

*

*

KILLER HEELS

A good file would sharpen the ends of these heels to a fine point

and I’d have SHOE WEAPONS.

*

*

PLASTICINE SHOES

Nah, I can make these as long as I don’t get the strips of plasticine

mixed up in a brown lump (why does it always go BROWN?)

*

*

MANGLED FOOT SHOES

??????

*

and some more MANGLED FOOT SHOES

Would I have to have my toes chopped off to be

able to walk in these? I NEED my toes.

*

*

SATYR SHOES

My favourites. I don’t need to explain why, they’re

FUCKING LOVELY.

*

*

MAGGOTY SHOES

 Comfortable and cushiony.

*

*

FOOD SHOES

No, you can’t eat it, silly. Not that you’d want to,

they’ve been a bit mean with the gravy.

*

Mmm, tasty.

*

Where’s the custard?

*

*

So now you see my problem – they’re all so GORGEOUS.

And they’d all suit me.

Which ones should I get?

 

 

Leave a comment

95 Comments

  1. The only ones I really like (I’m a straight bloke so my opinion doesn’t really count lol) are the Satyr shoes.

    Reply
  2. this makes me want to search for “shoe people” on youtube remember that??

    http://youtu.be/Pfw1NHE8a-k you will be singing the song for the rest of the day!

    Reply
  3. No shoes. You hire someone to carry you about like a princeling, which has been my choice. But it is a lovely selection. All told, the food shoes would save you from having to go out much if you decide you don’t want to after all….;) ILY

    Reply
    • Dear Gobby,

      Hey, I could make Branwell carry me around. Good idea! :-)

      One vote for the Food Shoes!

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. I’ll email you with the latest gossip and goings on. I’m SO glad you’re back. :-)

      Reply
  4. where did you ever find these ? I could not walk in any of them! I like the book review shoe the best :)

    Reply
    • Dear bs,

      Where’s the book review shoe? Did I post one?

      One vote for the INVISIBLE BOOK REVIEW SHOE. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • dear dotty- It is on your sidebar:)
        ubs

      • Dear bs,

        I know, I just realised when I wondered why HS was referring to the same thing in her comment. I’m a DOZY MARE for forgetting my own picture. :oops:

        Love Dotty xxx

  5. Dear Dotty,
    I think goldfish shoes would really suit you well. I think you should substitute the goldfish for fleshmangling pirhanas though.

    Love, Peaches.

    Reply
    • Dear Peaches,

      NO! I have some goldfish that live in the garden in half a whiskey barrel. I CAN’T WEAR MY GOLDFISH!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        No, No, No. You shouldn’t wear goldfish. You should wear Piranhas! Or baby alligators!
        Goldfish wouldn’t hurt anybody.
        Love, Peaches.

      • Dear Peaches,

        Teenage alligators would be good – they’d bite the legs off anyone who came near me. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  6. Dear Dotty,
    I am squirming… those maggot shoes are giving me the willies…. I vote to get rid of the maggot shoes – for no other reason than when you put them on you will have maggot guts EVERYWHERE.

    BLECH!
    Love,
    -the howler and me

    Reply
  7. Dear Dotty,
    I like the first wheely shoes because they remind me a bit of the Dotty Book Reviews Shoe.
    Love HS xox

    Reply
    • Dear HS,

      DUH! I’ve just realised what bs meant when she also said she liked the Book Review Shoe. I’d forgotten all about that shoe. :oops:

      One vote for the first wheely shoes. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. I think the food shoes are the only sensible choice for someone who spends so much of her time with her foot in her mouth.

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,
    The Satyr shoes get my goat, sorry, vote!
    Grumpy x

    Reply
  10. Oh Dotty. I’m reading this at work almost with tears in my eyes, stifling bursts of laughter! Satyr shoes, hands down. I’ll get a pair too but promise not to wear them the same day you wear yours if you get ‘em.

    Reply
    • Dear Swordy,

      They’re gorgeous, aren’t they? :-) :-) :-)

      Total votes for Satyr Shoes – I can’t remember, but they’re winning!

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Fish Out of Water

     /  July 15, 2012

    It’s a shame they don’t have a Cumberland sausage shoe.

    Reply
    • Dear Fishy,

      I searched and searched for some with no luck. I already use Cumberland sausages as insoles, I might try making a pair of shoes out of them. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. Dear Dotty,

    I like all of them except the maggoty shoes. No. Not those.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  13. You should for sure get the Wheelies or the Killer Heels! Stay away from the maggots, that’s just a little too icky.

    Reply
    • Dear Smak,

      Another one who doesn’t like the Maggoty Shoes. I’m amazed, I thought they’d have been the top vote! :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Well, they’re cool and all, but you can only wear ‘em for a couple days before they turn into flies.

      • Dear Smak,

        I think they’ve been taxidermified or mummified or de-flied or something. If not, I wouldn’t wear them with a skirt.

        Love Dotty xxx

  14. Can’t say much about which shoes to pick, I’m still wearing crocs and tennis shoes. What does that tell you about my fashion sense? Ha! Your post put a smile on my face and thank you for the follow. :)

    Reply
    • Dear stuff,

      You’re welcome, thank you for joining The Big Blog. :-)

      I’m wearing much the same as you, that’s why I wanted a nice, posh, gorgeous pair of shoes. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  15. Maggoty or Satyr – i can’t decide Dotty – failing that – Winklepickers – agony and stupidity in a strong leather upper.

    Reply
    • Dear ginger,

      I’m going to count that as a vote for the MAGGOTY SHOES because no one else likes them and I think they look very practical.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  16. Personally I’m quite partial to the apocalypse shoes- always be prepared as they say. The maggot shoes are disgusting!!!! Makes my phobia of stepping on snails seem less repulsive though.

    Reply
    • Dear Rachel,

      Another Maggoty Shoes hater. Oh dear. You’re all SO unadventurous.

      One vote for the Apocalypse Shoes. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  17. Hi, dear Dotty,

    What great shoes — I see why you are having trouble choosing!

    For me, I would pick the whirly shoes — very cool. Either those, or perhaps the plasticine. I’d love the apocalypse trainers, but I have very ugly hammer toes, so that wouldn’t do at all.

    For you, I suggest the Bouncy Balloony shoes, which look very cool, and/or the Killer Heels, which would be good because you can use them for more than one reason!

    Those mangled feet shoes I’ve only seen worn by Lady Gaga, and I think they make a woman’s foot look deformed. If I were you, I’d stay away!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      I stared and stared at the Mangled Feet shoes when I first saw them – they look like the old binding-feet shoes from Japan (or China? I can’t remember which), awful, awful things.

      I think I’m going to buy the Satyr Shoes for dressing up nicely and the Bouncy Balloony shoes for every day wear. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  18. Satyr shoes. Definitely.

    Reply
  19. those were hilarious! I like the whirly shoes. maybe since they were the most normal. LOL actually they look cool

    Reply
  20. Where are the sausage shoes???

    Reply
    • Dear tlsih,

      I don’t know, I searched for them for ages but I couldn’t find any. It must be because people have great respect for Cumberland sausages and loathe the idea of them being worn by smelly feet.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  21. melankooli

     /  July 16, 2012

    Hard to pick really, all of them are great especially the cherry pie pair BUT my personal favourite are the big bouncy shoes…. :)

    Reply
    • Dear melankooli,

      I’m buying them! I just told Judith I’ve chosen the Satyr shoes for posh and the Bouncy shoes for every day. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  22. Maggot shoes? Geez. The world is coming to an end.

    Reply
  23. kzackuslheureux

     /  July 16, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    When you’re done making your own pair of twisty shoes, will you make me some, they look swicked! And I totally love the goat hoof shoes, but shouldn’t they really be, buy one pair get the other free? I mean shouldn’t they keep the goat limbs together; do you really want someone else out walking around with the other half of your goat?!
    Love Alphabet

    Reply
    • Dear Alphabet,

      It looks like I’ll have to rename my blog to Dotty The Shoemaker. :-)

      No, they’re SATYR shoes – satyrs only have two feet.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • kzackuslheureux

         /  July 20, 2012

        Dear Dotty, Thanks, I should have known, Satyr… so totally cooler than a goat, STupid Alphabet, stupid!!!
        Love, Alphabet

      • Dear Alphabet,
        :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  24. I choose the maggot shoes…when they turn into flies you can fly instead of walk!

    Reply
  25. LOL!!! I love you, Dotty! :) You always provide such an uplifting experience with your blog. This post made me laugh so hard!!! Two in particular made me laugh really loudly… surprised my mom didn’t come in to see what was up. The Apocalypse shoes are so hilarious!!! I can’t even say anything more about them… they’re just way too funny! And, then the balooney shoes, lol! They look like the person has an abnormal growth on their foot. Talk about making a statement. These are just great! :D

    Reply
  26. Dear Dotty,
    You are such a sandbagger.
    ..”I can’t think of anything to write!”…………………..
    and then you turn out this piece of wonder.
    Wait, I’m going backwards on your blog.
    Which means you created THIS..beFORE saying you couldn’t write anything.
    Dotty!
    Shame on YOU!!!
    Obviously you do NOT have wordy block.
    This is a masterpiece of funnyness. :)
    LOve, L
    xooxox

    Reply
    • Dear Lisa,

      What’s a sandbagger? Is it horrible?

      I do have wordy block. These are just one liners. I can’t write stories or anything. :-(

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        This is a sandbagger:

        I am so ugly. I have nothing to wear. My parents used to tie a pork chop around my neck, so at least the dog would play with me.

        O look!!! I just got the call to go model in Paris!

        Sandbagger. :)
        You are very talented. I liked your short story on the murdered girl. Or the pygmy story of his village. ;)
        xooxox
        Lis
        oxoxox

      • Dear Lisa,

        How did you know my parents?

        And how did you know that Paris needed me for a ‘Before’ model to make Old Ugly Hag Crone Film Star look good?

        Love Dotty xxx

  27. Why do you need shoes? You never go anywhere. You could just stick your feet in a real pie, or burger… or sausage…

    Reply
  28. I think the food shoes are ridiculous! But I’m sure you’ve seen some great ones on my blog! http://ripleyconnor.com/2012/05/13/check-out-these-heels-inspired-by-my-people/

    Reply
    • Dear Ripley,

      HA HA HA HA – No, I hadn’t seen them. They’re great. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • They are pretty cool! I found some based on terminators which I’ll be posting soon. Shoes can be so much fun! If only I could walk in them.

      • Dear Ripley,

        I don’t know how they manage. And what will you do when you’re a model and you’re told to wear 10 inch high heels on the catwalk? ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I know I really need to practice!! Could you imagine if I finally get a gig but fall flat on my face? And that would hurt with my huge long head!

      • Dear Ripley,

        Maybe they could make a matching shoe for your head so that if you did fall you could just continue walking on all threes.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Great idea! Thanks Dotty

      • Dear Ripley,
        :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  29. it’s the revolvers that do it for me….satyre all the way…….and you can’t beat elephantiasis for knocking about the house in

    Reply
  30. Dear Dotty,

    I am doing this reply from my phone because I am away. I hope it works. I just had to give you a link to one of my favourite videos ever.

    I hope I am not driving you round the bend with the incessant likes; you see, I’ve a lot of catching up to do!

    Love,
    Owl

    http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CEkQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwCF3ywukQYA&ei=D7cMUK7hE4b2rAGIu8SxCg&usg=AFQjCNH0tG5cLsvfshob5xP_UIPJChCr3A

    Reply
    • Dear owl,

      Ooooh, are you having a nice time?

      I’ve just spent over half an hour watching more Kelly videos. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        Yes, I am having a nice time, though I am pretty deep in the heart of Puritania, so I have to keep my guard up.

        Love,
        Owl

      • Dear owl,

        Never mind, you can slob out and swear for a week when you get home. ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

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