I need some new shoes. I haven’t bought any for over three years (what’s the point?) but I’m sick of the ones I’ve got so I’ve decided to get some more. My problem is I didn’t realise how the fashions have changed since I contracted Hermititis and People Phobia – there are some FUCKING BEAUTIFUL shoes around and I WANT THEM ALL. But I can’t afford them all so I’ve narrowed the selection down to my absolute favourites, sensible shoes for walking the moors (when I get out of this house again), for shopping, and for general everyday wear.
Help me choose which to buy, please – trying to make a decision for myself only results in multiple panic attacks.
*
WHEELIE SHOES
I LOVE the wheelie shoes so much I couldn’t make up my mind between these
and these.
*
*
WHIRLY SHOES
On second thoughts I could probably make a pair of
these for myself by melting and remoulding a section
of my washing machine.
*
*
APOCALYPSE SHOES
Since humans began to wear shoes we’ve lost the ability to run vast distances in our bare feet.
Our feet have become SOFT and WUSSIFIED, pampered plates of tenderised meat that will be
an EXCRUTIATINGLY PAINFUL HINDRANCE to us when the APOCALYPSE comes and shoes
no longer exist. I like these because they’ll prepare us for that time.
*
*
SHOES WITHOUT HEELS SHOES
Hmm, perhaps not. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is.
*
*
BALLOONY SPORTS SHOES
Now I do like these, very much. I could BOUNCE
my way round 24 hour Tesco!!
*
*
KILLER HEELS
A good file would sharpen the ends of these heels to a fine point
and I’d have SHOE WEAPONS.
*
*
PLASTICINE SHOES
Nah, I can make these as long as I don’t get the strips of plasticine
mixed up in a brown lump (why does it always go BROWN?)
*
*
MANGLED FOOT SHOES
??????
*
and some more MANGLED FOOT SHOES
Would I have to have my toes chopped off to be
able to walk in these? I NEED my toes.
*
*
SATYR SHOES
My favourites. I don’t need to explain why, they’re
FUCKING LOVELY.
*
*
MAGGOTY SHOES
Comfortable and cushiony.
*
*
FOOD SHOES
No, you can’t eat it, silly. Not that you’d want to,
they’ve been a bit mean with the gravy.
*
Mmm, tasty.
*
Where’s the custard?
*
*
So now you see my problem – they’re all so GORGEOUS.
And they’d all suit me.
Which ones should I get?
Mondrak
/ July 15, 2012The only ones I really like (I’m a straight bloke so my opinion doesn’t really count lol) are the Satyr shoes.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Mondrak,
You have impeccable taste in shoes.
One vote for the Satyr Shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
The Depressed Moose
/ July 15, 2012this makes me want to search for “shoe people” on youtube remember that??
http://youtu.be/Pfw1NHE8a-k you will be singing the song for the rest of the day!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Garry,
HA HA HA HA HA. Yes, it’s stuck in my head now.
Love Dotty xxx
The Depressed Moose
/ July 15, 2012shoe shoe shoe shoe people….
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Garry,
STOP!
Love Dotty xxx
cobyjean
/ July 15, 2012No shoes. You hire someone to carry you about like a princeling, which has been my choice. But it is a lovely selection. All told, the food shoes would save you from having to go out much if you decide you don’t want to after all….;) ILY
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Gobby,
Hey, I could make Branwell carry me around. Good idea!
One vote for the Food Shoes!
Love Dotty xxx
P.S. I’ll email you with the latest gossip and goings on. I’m SO glad you’re back.
unfetteredbs
/ July 15, 2012where did you ever find these ? I could not walk in any of them! I like the book review shoe the best
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear bs,
Where’s the book review shoe? Did I post one?
One vote for the INVISIBLE BOOK REVIEW SHOE.
Love Dotty xxx
unfetteredbs
/ July 15, 2012dear dotty- It is on your sidebar:)
ubs
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear bs,
I know, I just realised when I wondered why HS was referring to the same thing in her comment. I’m a DOZY MARE for forgetting my own picture.
Love Dotty xxx
Peaches
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I think goldfish shoes would really suit you well. I think you should substitute the goldfish for fleshmangling pirhanas though.
Love, Peaches.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Peaches,
NO! I have some goldfish that live in the garden in half a whiskey barrel. I CAN’T WEAR MY GOLDFISH!
Love Dotty xxx
Peaches
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
No, No, No. You shouldn’t wear goldfish. You should wear Piranhas! Or baby alligators!
Goldfish wouldn’t hurt anybody.
Love, Peaches.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear Peaches,
Teenage alligators would be good – they’d bite the legs off anyone who came near me.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am squirming… those maggot shoes are giving me the willies…. I vote to get rid of the maggot shoes – for no other reason than when you put them on you will have maggot guts EVERYWHERE.
BLECH!
Love,
-the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear the howler and me,
But what if I wanted to go fishing? I wouldn’t have to carry a bait box.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ July 17, 2012~shudder~
Hellosailor
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I like the first wheely shoes because they remind me a bit of the Dotty Book Reviews Shoe.
Love HS xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear HS,
DUH! I’ve just realised what bs meant when she also said she liked the Book Review Shoe. I’d forgotten all about that shoe.
One vote for the first wheely shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 15, 2012I think the food shoes are the only sensible choice for someone who spends so much of her time with her foot in her mouth.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Misfit,
All the Food shoes or a specific pair?
Love Dotty xxx
misfits' miscellany
/ July 15, 2012Given your limited menu, I’d just go with one pair of the most tempting.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear Misfit,
All of them, then.
Love Dotty xxx
Grumpy
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
The Satyr shoes get my goat, sorry, vote!
Grumpy x
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Grumpy,
YAY! One more vote for the Satyr Shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
Sword-chinned bitch
/ July 15, 2012Oh Dotty. I’m reading this at work almost with tears in my eyes, stifling bursts of laughter! Satyr shoes, hands down. I’ll get a pair too but promise not to wear them the same day you wear yours if you get ‘em.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Swordy,
They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?
Total votes for Satyr Shoes – I can’t remember, but they’re winning!
Love Dotty xxx
Fish Out of Water
/ July 15, 2012It’s a shame they don’t have a Cumberland sausage shoe.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Fishy,
I searched and searched for some with no luck. I already use Cumberland sausages as insoles, I might try making a pair of shoes out of them.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ July 15, 2012Dear Dotty,
I like all of them except the maggoty shoes. No. Not those.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
No one likes them. I don’t know why.
Love Dotty xxx
Smaktakula
/ July 15, 2012You should for sure get the Wheelies or the Killer Heels! Stay away from the maggots, that’s just a little too icky.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Smak,
Another one who doesn’t like the Maggoty Shoes. I’m amazed, I thought they’d have been the top vote!
Love Dotty xxx
Smaktakula
/ July 15, 2012Well, they’re cool and all, but you can only wear ‘em for a couple days before they turn into flies.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Smak,
I think they’ve been taxidermified or mummified or de-flied or something. If not, I wouldn’t wear them with a skirt.
Love Dotty xxx
stuff I said
/ July 15, 2012Can’t say much about which shoes to pick, I’m still wearing crocs and tennis shoes. What does that tell you about my fashion sense? Ha! Your post put a smile on my face and thank you for the follow.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear stuff,
You’re welcome, thank you for joining The Big Blog.
I’m wearing much the same as you, that’s why I wanted a nice, posh, gorgeous pair of shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
gingerfightback
/ July 15, 2012Maggoty or Satyr – i can’t decide Dotty – failing that – Winklepickers – agony and stupidity in a strong leather upper.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear ginger,
I’m going to count that as a vote for the MAGGOTY SHOES because no one else likes them and I think they look very practical.
Love Dotty xxx
rachelmiller1511
/ July 15, 2012Personally I’m quite partial to the apocalypse shoes- always be prepared as they say. The maggot shoes are disgusting!!!! Makes my phobia of stepping on snails seem less repulsive though.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 15, 2012Dear Rachel,
Another Maggoty Shoes hater. Oh dear. You’re all SO unadventurous.
One vote for the Apocalypse Shoes.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ July 15, 2012Hi, dear Dotty,
What great shoes — I see why you are having trouble choosing!
For me, I would pick the whirly shoes — very cool. Either those, or perhaps the plasticine. I’d love the apocalypse trainers, but I have very ugly hammer toes, so that wouldn’t do at all.
For you, I suggest the Bouncy Balloony shoes, which look very cool, and/or the Killer Heels, which would be good because you can use them for more than one reason!
Those mangled feet shoes I’ve only seen worn by Lady Gaga, and I think they make a woman’s foot look deformed. If I were you, I’d stay away!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear Judith,
I stared and stared at the Mangled Feet shoes when I first saw them – they look like the old binding-feet shoes from Japan (or China? I can’t remember which), awful, awful things.
I think I’m going to buy the Satyr Shoes for dressing up nicely and the Bouncy Balloony shoes for every day wear.
Love Dotty xxx
Christopher De Voss
/ July 15, 2012Satyr shoes. Definitely.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear Chris,
Yes, I’m going to buy them.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 16, 2012those were hilarious! I like the whirly shoes. maybe since they were the most normal. LOL actually they look cool
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear Brick,
I can make the Whirly shoes. What size are you?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 16, 2012Do you make a size 22 womens? I like to pretend I’m bigfoot
Can you image how much taller it will make me?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear Brick,
Yep, I can do that. You’ll be a tall loomy giant. 
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife
/ July 17, 2012LOL just the look I’m going for
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 18, 2012Dear Brick,
Love Dotty xxx
thelastsongiheard
/ July 16, 2012Where are the sausage shoes???
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear tlsih,
I don’t know, I searched for them for ages but I couldn’t find any. It must be because people have great respect for Cumberland sausages and loathe the idea of them being worn by smelly feet.
Love Dotty xxx
melankooli
/ July 16, 2012Hard to pick really, all of them are great especially the cherry pie pair BUT my personal favourite are the big bouncy shoes….
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 16, 2012Dear melankooli,
I’m buying them! I just told Judith I’ve chosen the Satyr shoes for posh and the Bouncy shoes for every day.
Love Dotty xxx
robincoyle
/ July 16, 2012Maggot shoes? Geez. The world is coming to an end.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear robin,
I know it is – in December.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ July 16, 2012Dear Dotty,
When you’re done making your own pair of twisty shoes, will you make me some, they look swicked! And I totally love the goat hoof shoes, but shouldn’t they really be, buy one pair get the other free? I mean shouldn’t they keep the goat limbs together; do you really want someone else out walking around with the other half of your goat?!
Love Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear Alphabet,
It looks like I’ll have to rename my blog to Dotty The Shoemaker.
No, they’re SATYR shoes – satyrs only have two feet.
Love Dotty xxx
kzackuslheureux
/ July 20, 2012Dear Dotty, Thanks, I should have known, Satyr… so totally cooler than a goat, STupid Alphabet, stupid!!!
Love, Alphabet
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 21, 2012Dear Alphabet,
Love Dotty xxx
paralaxvu
/ July 16, 2012I choose the maggot shoes…when they turn into flies you can fly instead of walk!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear paralaxvu,
YAY!
Love Dotty xxx
Summer Moon
/ July 17, 2012LOL!!! I love you, Dotty!
You always provide such an uplifting experience with your blog. This post made me laugh so hard!!! Two in particular made me laugh really loudly… surprised my mom didn’t come in to see what was up. The Apocalypse shoes are so hilarious!!! I can’t even say anything more about them… they’re just way too funny! And, then the balooney shoes, lol! They look like the person has an abnormal growth on their foot. Talk about making a statement. These are just great! 
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear SM,
I don’t know what statement they’re trying to make – ‘I’m an idiot’ perhaps?
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ July 17, 2012Dear Dotty,
You are such a sandbagger.
..”I can’t think of anything to write!”…………………..
and then you turn out this piece of wonder.
Wait, I’m going backwards on your blog.
Which means you created THIS..beFORE saying you couldn’t write anything.
Dotty!
Shame on YOU!!!
Obviously you do NOT have wordy block.
This is a masterpiece of funnyness.
LOve, L
xooxox
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear Lisa,
What’s a sandbagger? Is it horrible?
I do have wordy block. These are just one liners. I can’t write stories or anything.
Love Dotty xxx
Carr Party of Five
/ July 17, 2012Dear Dotty,
This is a sandbagger:
I am so ugly. I have nothing to wear. My parents used to tie a pork chop around my neck, so at least the dog would play with me.
O look!!! I just got the call to go model in Paris!
Sandbagger.
You are very talented. I liked your short story on the murdered girl. Or the pygmy story of his village.
xooxox
Lis
oxoxox
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 17, 2012Dear Lisa,
How did you know my parents?
And how did you know that Paris needed me for a ‘Before’ model to make Old Ugly Hag Crone Film Star look good?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 17, 2012Why do you need shoes? You never go anywhere. You could just stick your feet in a real pie, or burger… or sausage…
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 18, 2012Dear pmao,
That’s how my carpet got stained.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ July 18, 2012Awesome.
Ripley Connor
/ July 18, 2012I think the food shoes are ridiculous! But I’m sure you’ve seen some great ones on my blog! http://ripleyconnor.com/2012/05/13/check-out-these-heels-inspired-by-my-people/
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 18, 2012Dear Ripley,
HA HA HA HA – No, I hadn’t seen them. They’re great.
Love Dotty xxx
Ripley Connor
/ July 18, 2012They are pretty cool! I found some based on terminators which I’ll be posting soon. Shoes can be so much fun! If only I could walk in them.
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 18, 2012Dear Ripley,
I don’t know how they manage. And what will you do when you’re a model and you’re told to wear 10 inch high heels on the catwalk?
Love Dotty xxx
Ripley Connor
/ July 18, 2012I know I really need to practice!! Could you imagine if I finally get a gig but fall flat on my face? And that would hurt with my huge long head!
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 18, 2012Dear Ripley,
Maybe they could make a matching shoe for your head so that if you did fall you could just continue walking on all threes.
Love Dotty xxx
Ripley Connor
/ July 19, 2012Great idea! Thanks Dotty
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 19, 2012Dear Ripley,
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ July 19, 2012it’s the revolvers that do it for me….satyre all the way…….and you can’t beat elephantiasis for knocking about the house in
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 19, 2012Dear sacha,
They’re the two pairs I chose! I’ve ordered them, they should be here soon.
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ July 22, 2012i’m actually jealous…..will we get pictures in situ?
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 22, 2012Dear sacha,
No. Cameras are the tools of Beelzebub (as I’ve said many times before).
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ July 24, 2012beelzebub is so misunderstood though…..he was framed so ‘e was
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 24, 2012Dear sacha,
But he still gets so much exposure…
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ July 27, 2012is that a photography joke…..
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 27, 2012Dear sacha,
No.
Love Dotty xxx
sacha1nch1
/ July 29, 2012shame…
owl
/ July 23, 2012Dear Dotty,
I am doing this reply from my phone because I am away. I hope it works. I just had to give you a link to one of my favourite videos ever.
I hope I am not driving you round the bend with the incessant likes; you see, I’ve a lot of catching up to do!
Love,
Owl
http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CEkQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwCF3ywukQYA&ei=D7cMUK7hE4b2rAGIu8SxCg&usg=AFQjCNH0tG5cLsvfshob5xP_UIPJChCr3A
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 23, 2012Dear owl,
Ooooh, are you having a nice time?
I’ve just spent over half an hour watching more Kelly videos.
Love Dotty xxx
owl
/ July 23, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yes, I am having a nice time, though I am pretty deep in the heart of Puritania, so I have to keep my guard up.
Love,
Owl
Dotty Headbanger
/ July 23, 2012Dear owl,
Never mind, you can slob out and swear for a week when you get home.
Love Dotty xxx