101 Handy Useful Household Things To Make With Cornflakes

 

Don’t be daft, why would I do a post about 101 Handy Useful Household Things To Make With Cornflakes when you can’t make ANYTHING useful with cornflakes, they’re too flakey? That’s why they’re called CornFLAKES. If they weren’t too flakey they’d be called CornLUMPS.

I like eating Cornflakes at night. When I tell people I like eating Cornflakes at night they go, “UURR, that’s WRONG – cereal is for BREAKFAST.”

Says who?

Idiots, that’s who. They’re the type of people who have never experienced the delight, the joy, the sheer and utter RAPTURE of emptying a box of Cornflakes out onto the kitchen floor and DANCING IN THEM UNTIL THE CRUNCH HAS STOPPED.

They’re the type of people who would never consider THE HILARIOUS TRICKS you can play with Cornflakes, like stuffing a big handful down the back of your brother’s pants while he’s in the kitchen pouring his new girlfriend a glass of Diet Coke, or stuffing them down your colleague’s carefully sculpted cleavage as she’s running out of the room to make it to her promotion interview. Or putting some in your Granny’s cup of tea so that when she’s tipping her head back to drain the dregs THE SOGGY CORNFLAKES FALL ONTO HER FACE and make her scream and throw the cup at your mother. (When they get wise to the Cornflakes in the tea trick and start hiding the Cornflakes, use a chunk of Steak and Kidney Pie instead- it’s heavier than Cornflakes so it hits the face sooner, usually well before half the tea is drunk so you get to see THE MOUTHFUL OF LUMPY TEA SPLUTTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE and A FUNNY LITTLE DANCE WHEN THE STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE FALLS ONTO THEIR LAP). NB. It might be a good idea to learn how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre or you’ll get all the blame if a choking situation goes wrong. 

They’re the type of people who will never put on a production of CORNFLAKE HEDDA GABLER.

They’re the type of people who have never seen JESUS in a Cornflake.

They’re the type of people who have never seen ABADDON THE DESTROYER, THE ANGEL OF THE BOTTOMLESS PIT in a Cornflake.

They’re the type of people who have never asked a Cornflake ‘HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?’

They’re the type of people who PUT SUGAR ON THEIR CORNFLAKES WHEN THEY EAT THEM IN THE MORNING and also PUT SUGAR ON THEIR PORRIDGE if they have porridge instead of Cornflakes. In the morning.

SUGAR ON PORRIDGE IS DISGUSTING AND NASTY.

SALT goes on porridge. SALT. Nothing else.

They’re the type of people who NEVER have WORDY BLOCK, and if they ever DID have WORDY BLOCK they wouldn’t know how to try and bulldoze their way out of it with a shitey post about CORNFLAKES.

 

465 words. I need to do 500 or I can’t have my Cumberland sausages which are PROPER BREAKFAST FOOD, not SNACK FOOD FOR NIGHT-TIME which is what Cornflakes are.

 

HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!

500 WORDS.

BOSH!

 

 

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97 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,
    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (breathe) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ………….I have eaten them at night time too. I have never played tricks with them. *Note to self…re-read Dotty’s tricks to play on Steve. I would never have guessed that you have ‘Wordy Block Lurgy’ I hope I catch it if it makes me produce such an hilarious post as this. Does that make me mental too? Who cares. Shopping list: 1 very large box of cornflakes but no sugar so I can dance on them ’til the crunching stops. (You get the same effect with cockroaches but cornflakes are easier to get.) Thank you for the entertainment this morning. Oh and I haven’t clicked on that evil doll’s eyes Jemima, I’m too scared. Love from Chris x

    Reply
    • Dear Chris,

      Don’t buy the cheap supermarket brands, only Kellogs have that certain magical crunch.

      Don’t be afraid of Jemima. I only make her put the evil eye on people who cross me. :evil:

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    My Hubby thinks cereal is for night time too.
    I’m still unsure.
    xoxo, Peaches

    Reply
    • Dear Peaches,

      It’s not often you’ll hear me say a man is correct but in this instance LISTEN TO YOUR HUBBY. HE KNOWS BEST.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  3. It takes some serious crunch to smash your way through a wordy block with a cornflake. Should I consider switching from muesli?

    Reply
  4. Dear Dotty! This was hilarious with a big H. And how ill-mannered of “these kind of people” not to ask a cornflake how it is feeling,
    Love Habiba.

    Reply
    • Dear Habiba,

      Thank you. :-)

      Yes, it’s EXTREMELY rude not to enquire of a Cornflake’s health before you eat it, but these people don’t know any better. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  5. stuff I said

     /  July 25, 2012

    A nice giggle to start my day..thank you Dirty.:)

    Reply
    • Dear sis,

      Before you notice what you called me and come back to apologise profusely – it’s okay, I don’t mind. I’ve been called ‘Dirty’ before when two other commenters’ word-replacement things that filled in their words for them changed my name to ‘Dirty’- I expect that’s what happened to you.
      If so, I forgive you.

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. I haven’t heard from the other two commenters. They haven’t written on their blogs either. I wonder what happened to them. :-)

      Reply
      • Oh my, I feel just awful..sometimes my smartphone makes me look so stupid. :( I do apologize. Thank you for understanding :oops:

      • Dear sis,

        The name ‘smartphone’ is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it? ;-)

        Love Dotty xxx

    • Dear Stuff,
      hahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I just read this.
      Thank you Dirty.
      I can’t breathe!!!
      And look at your embarassed face!!
      How’d you DO that?’
      Stilllllllll laughing.
      And Dotty.
      Isn’t she the BEST?!
      Lisa

      Reply
      • I am glad Dotty has a big heart and forgave me! :lol:
        I need to stay off my smartphone it is going to get me shot one of these days. LOL

      • Dear Stuff,
        I know!!!
        Those damn “smart”phones!!!
        Consantly autocorrecting!
        Dotty’s the best. :)
        Love, Lis

  6. Cornflakes for meals. Yuck.
    There’s only one thing cornflakes are good for cooking, Cornflake Honey Crackles.
    Melt 90 grams butter, 1/3 cup sugar and 1 tbsp honey together in a medium saucepan until the mix is frothy. Add 4 cups corn flakes and mix together well. Spoon the honey cornflake crackles ingredients mixture into paper patty cases. Bake in a slow oven for about 10 minutes. Eat them until you feel sick just like you did at pre-teen birthday parties. We won’t discuss teen birthday parties here. That’s a different cornflakes story altogether ;)

    Are you sure it’s Wordy Block? Your word count seems fine.

    Reply
    • Dear Ella,

      I don’t understand this thing with CUPS. I asked Lisa about it when she posted a recipe but she just laughed at me. Why don’t you use PROPER MEASUREMENTS? All my cups are different sizes and I never know which size you mean.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Really…bra size, for instance. Two cups of the recipe maker’s size, or two cups of yours?

      • Dear paralaxvu,

        Thank you, I didn’t realise it meant bra cups. I’m going to make a cake tomorrow using my Playtex push-up (I can’t tell you what size). I might get Lottie to come round with her camera and take some photos and make a COOKERY POST. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Oh definitely, a cookery post! You can even do mini cupcakes in the ones I used to wear when I was young and really skinny…32 nearly A. Now that mine are a lot bigger, the problem is so am I so they still don’t stick out!;-(

      • Dear paralaxvu,

        I need to do a washing first.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Well, if you use the almost A’s, it shouldn’t take too long…

      • Dear paralaxvu,
        :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Mostly when I cook, the nearest thing to a cup I have to hand is a wine glass but I need it for the wine, so I just chuck ingredients in & hope for the best. Next time I share a recipe I’ll keep the original format of a handful of this, a dollop of that, a shake of… turn the oven on, put it in & get it out before it burns.

      • Dear Ella,

        That’s how I usually do it. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
        don’t do it friend!!!
        Wait.
        What size is your bra?
        It may work after all. :)
        Heeheeheeheee
        *Laughing my Ass off right here*
        Love, Lis
        xoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

      • Dear Lisa,

        Why not? That’s what all you American women do, isn’t it?
        It must be handy being able to buy your bras in the Kitchenware department.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • This deserves a post of its own…

        Cooking with Dotty “?Dirty?” Headbanger,

      • Dear John,

        Dirty Cooking With Dirty Dotty?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dotty,

        That sounds much better.

        John.

      • Dear John,

        It does, doesn’t it. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  7. Dear Dotty,

    I like cornflakes for dinner too. And I agree with you that sugar is not appropriate for porridge. I eat mine with salt too, but I also add butter. Because everything tastes better with salt and butter.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
    • Dear Mme Weebles,

      I haven’t tried it with butter – and I’d better not or it’ll go straight to my arse.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,

    I’m not allowed to eat cornflakes anymore coz I eat one bowl, then another then another until they’re all gone!! I LOVE CORNFLAKES!

    Love Rachel
    xxx

    Reply
  9. clownonfire

     /  July 25, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    “Emptying a box of Cornflakes out onto the kitchen floor and DANCING IN THEM UNTIL THE CRUNCH HAS STOPPED.” Quoting you was the only brilliant thing I could come up with.
    Le Clown

    Reply
    • Dear clown,

      Bless your little white cotton socks. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • clownonfire

         /  July 25, 2012

        Dotty,
        This comment prompted an email towards an another blogger, asking:
        Holy Crap, don’t tell me you’re Dotty Headbanger… And she laughed. And told me to sod off.
        Le Clown

      • Dear clown,

        Who did you think was me?
        When you’ve told me, you can sod off.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • clownonfire

         /  July 25, 2012

        Dotty,
        Only she knows.
        Le Clown

      • Dear clown,

        Make a mental She-Hermit paranoid, why don’t you?

        Love Dotty xxx

  10. Fish Out of Water

     /  July 25, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Now I know what to do with the box of Cornflakes I have in the pantry that the kids won’t eat. A million thanks!
    Love,
    Fish

    Reply
  11. The last time I had cornflakes was in 1985. I wish I had known these tricks before then, when my mom gave it to my brother and me for breakfast — I could have used them to terrorize him.

    Reply
    • Dear Swordy,

      Buy some – even if you won’t be eating them you can still do the tricks. Another good one is to pour half a box of Cornflakes into a zip-up cushion cover when you have a guest coming round, place the Cornflake cushion on the chair or sofa where the guest will be seated, then watch their face when they lean back and CRUNCH. You could take a photo. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. This was funny and useful and sick and twisted, all at the same time… yay… you are back.

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty
    I often eat corn flakes for supper.
    It also serves as a brilliant late night snack.
    Love
    68ghia

    Reply
  14. Dear Dotty,

    For someone with wordy-block, you’ve made me laugh remarkably hard. And inspired me to pull a few pranks. Well done!

    Love,
    Kathy

    Reply
  15. Dear Dotty,

    I love Corn Flakes, and I love this post! I haven’t seen Jesus yet, but I did see Margaret Thatcher in a Corn Flake — a little frightening, I might add!

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  16. Dear Dotty,

    Your post is very full of very important facts that most people seem to very ignore. Like cornflakes are for NIGHT and SALT goes with porridge. I applaud you.Hat off and all that.

    Oh and if you needed proof that the wordy block is over with surely 500 marvellous words about cornflakes is it? Welcome back :-)

    Love WeeGee xx

    Reply
    • Hahahahaha. That’s hats off (sob sob). You do something to me! I’m usually quite good at typing…

      Love WeeGee the sob sister x

      Reply
      • Dear Sob Sister,

        HA HA HA HA HA HA. Sorry, I had to laugh.
        We keep doing it to each other. It’s funny. :-)
        Can I point out that you made another mistake?
        It’s in your first sentence.
        Not that I want to hear you sob or anything, I’m just being helpful. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  17. Oh buggeration. I give up! Everytime I say something to you I end up looking like an illiterate. That’ll teach me to be a smart arse won’t it?

    WeeGee xx

    (Sob. Sob. Sob. Sob. Sob ad infinitum)

    PS. Yes it is a bit funny :-)

    Reply
    • Dear WeeGee,

      I’ll have a little sob with you to keep you company.

      SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB

      There.

      Are we done sobbing for today? :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        I’ve had enough of sobbing. It gets quite tiresome :-)

        Enough is enough!

        WeeGee

        PS please keep any typosin my comment to yourself….

      • Dear WeeGee,

        I’ll try. I’ll really, really try. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  18. It’s always cornflakes time somewhere…

    Reply
  19. Dear Dotty,
    I ♥ you.
    For real. :)
    Love, Lis
    xoxoxoxoox

    Reply
  20. I like Cornflakes at night too especially the Crunchy Nut….Corbflakes as the new supper item could be the next big thing:)

    Reply
  21. questrix

     /  July 26, 2012

    Dear god, woman, but how you DO make me laugh. I doubt I shall ever again be able to approach a cornflake with a straight face. Though now that I say it, I’m wondering why I’d want to…

    Reply
  22. I must be one boring sot. I’ve only put cornflakes on chicken, never on cleavage. Great ideas.

    Reply
  23. Cornflakes make me retch, they go all soggy in the milk, revolting. So I liked that you stamp on them, horrid things

    Reply
    • Dear joe,

      I don’t like Weetabix for the same reason but stamping on Weetabix is shite, they just crumble and they don’t make much of a crunch.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • You’re making me feel sick with this soggy cereal talk.

        And when you leave weetabix remnants in the bowl it sets like plaster, ok if you are wallpapering your insides, it’s the perfect fixant.

      • Dear joe,

        Soggy Rice Krispies are the worst. They look like a bowl of baby sick.

        Love Dotty xxx

  24. Hmm, someone has done a lot of Cornflake Practical Jokes I see….. ;-)

    Reply
  25. Dorothy

     /  July 30, 2012

    Oh Dotty, Dotty, Dotty……..you promised Handy Useful Household Things To Make With Cornflakes and I thought I had fallen into someone elses blog until I started to read but then I came upon your smartest comment to date. I quote…”Another good one is to pour half a box of Cornflakes into a zip-up cushion cover when you have a guest coming round, place the Cornflake cushion on the chair or sofa where the guest will be seated, then watch their face when they lean back and CRUNCH. You could take a photo.” and I thought of my impending visit from my sister-in-law. A big smile came across my face. Surely I’ll have to do this. It will cut her visit short and break up the silence and awkward forced niceness that I have to endure and dish out. I do have a “whoopie cushion” but I like your idea better because no one expects that nor will know what the Hell it is…..hhahahahahaha. Your great for ideas Dotty.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
    • Dear Dorothy,

      Is she staying overnight? Put them in her pillow too. And in her knicker drawer and her shoes. And hide a big line of them under the toilet seat.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply

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