Fifty Shades Of SHITEY DROSS

 

Lottie had a copy of this SHITE in her bag. I nicked it when she went to the loo, not to READ it (you can all shoot me if I ever get THAT desperate), I wanted to take the piss out of it. But I can’t take the piss out of it, it’s too SHITEY. It’s TOO BAD TO MOCK. The horrendous writing makes me SHRIVEL IN DISMAY.

This is the first sentence —

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror.”

 

This is the last sentence —

I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor’s handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief.”

 

This is the first paragraph I saw when I opened the book randomly —

“”I want to bite this lip,” he murmurs against my mouth, and carefully he tugs at it with his teeth. I moan, he smiles.”

How does he smile with her lip in his teeth? And how does she see him smile? Is she bog-eyed?

 

Oh go on then, heres another random sentence —

I wake early to a gray Sunday morning after a surprisingly refreshing night’s sleep and lie awake staring at my crates.”

I’ve never heard them called that before.

 

That’s it, I’ve had enough.

IT’S SHITE.

 

Leave a comment

109 Comments

  1. Dear Dotty,

    My understanding is that it’s more exciting to watch paint dry than to read that UTTERLY SHITE Twilight-based porn.

    Love, Missus Tribble xxx

    Reply
    • Dear Missus Tribble,

      It’s not just UTTER SHITE it’s NASTY, BADLY WRITTEN UTTER SHITE. And I haven’t even read it, I’ve just browsed through.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,

        It is also a TWISHITE SLASH FIC and for that reason alone I wouldn’t touch it with somebody else’s barge pole. VAMPIRES SHOULD NOT SPARKLE!!!!

        I’d far taher read a Spike/Faith slashfic, even though Spike and Faith never met on the show.

        Love, Missus Tribble xxx

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I don’t know who Spike and Faith are. Doctor Who?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Buffy. I hated Buffy herself but totally thought that Spike (vampire) and Faith (other slayer) should shag :)

      • Dear Missus Tribble,

        I liked Angel. I haven’t watched any of them for years though. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  2. clownonfire

     /  July 30, 2012

    Dotty,
    Do you know of Speaker 7? Her rendition of Fifty Shades of Grey (in many posts) is sheer brilliance: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/
    Le Clown

    Reply
  3. crates! You’re making me wee!

    Reply
  4. That’s right, “no one ever went broke underestimating the tastes of the public”.

    Reply
  5. Dear Dotty,

    That it is! Also crap, drivel, garbage, a big waste, and ridiculously juvenile! What is it?

    Love,

    Judith

    Reply
  6. Dotty,

    Do you read Speaker7? She’s been covering this topic WONDERFULLY. Here’s a link: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/fifty-shades-of-grey/

    I very highly recommend it. It will make your day better, I promise.

    Love,
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Dear Kathy,

      I’ve just been reading some, clown left the link too. I joined, I’ll go back to read more, it’s funny. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  7. “Holy crap”
    You’ve now read half of that book. And the other words don’t really matter anyways.

    Reply
  8. Fish Out of Water

     /  July 30, 2012

    I second the Speaker7 recommendation. It’s brilliant. So is this.

    Reply
  9. My thoughts exactly, cannot believe it’s the fastest selling dross ever and they’re even thinking of making it into a film….. the mind boggles

    Reply
  10. LOL. I think you did well for taking the piss out of it a bit there :-D

    Reply
    • Dear Mondrak,

      I was going to answer all the comments with a sentence from the book but I couldn’t stand to read any more.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Dear Dotty,
    I must be a friggin idiot. I loved the books.
    She’s no JK Rowing, but I ate those books up.
    But then again, I like Spongebob. So.
    Lis

    Reply
    • Dear Lisa,

      I hate it, you love it.
      Opposites attract. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
    • Dear Dotty,
      I love the kind hermit inside.
      And I love the swearing hermit.
      ANd the grumpy hermit.
      And the funny hermit.
      All which is you.
      Love, Lis
      xoxoxo

      Reply
      • Dear Lisa,

        And I love you. Because you’re lovely and nice and I’m not. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I respectfully disagree. Anyone like you, who writes as well as YOU, that follows a crazy blonde’s diary, and makes sure to always be caught up with all diary entries..earns Sainthood in my opinion.
        So, I guess we have to agree to disagree. ;)
        Love, Lis
        oxoxoxxo

      • Dear Lisa,

        You’re too nice to a horrible hermit. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Dotty,
        I know you aren’t a CHATTY Hermit, so I’ll end this conversation.
        I just posted a video that will convince others I am a horrible monster.
        O..the many sides of me. :)
        Love, Lis
        xoxooxox

      • Dear Lisa,

        Ooooo, I have to see this. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dear Lisa,

        No – I don’t have to see it.

        Love Dotty xxx

  12. Dearest Dotty,

    I refuse to touch that tripe, for fear that lesions will form on my hands as well as my eyes and brain. I have far too many fantastic things to do with my time than cultivate a canker in my brain.

    Squishy hugs,
    Veggiewitch ♥

    Reply
    • Dear Veggiewitch,

      I touched it – with my hands.

      Love Dotty xxx

      EDIT EDIT —- p.s. Will my brain fall out?

      Reply
      • Dearest Dotty,

        Your brain will not fall out. You may experience mild to moderate headaches. While migraines are rare, they have also been reported. It is not uncommon to experience fits of vomiting from exposure to 50 Shades of Shite. You will not, however, be able to scrub your brain of the tainted memories from reading the passages. In time, you will be able to forget them, though, so be of good cheer.

        Much love and admiration,
        Veggiewitch ♥

      • Dear Veggiewitch,

        I don’t like migraines. I don’t like vomiting.
        But I read hardly any of it, just a few sentences here and there, so I shouldn’t be TOO badly scarred.
        (I’m trying to be brave now. I think my eyeballs have begun to shrink).

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty,

        You will be fine.

        Big hugs and much love,
        Veggiewitch =0)

      • Dear Veggiewitch,

        Yes, without eyes. Or a brain. Or hands.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty,

        *squishy hugs*

        With minimal exposure, there is no concern.

        Much love,
        Veggiewitch ♥

      • Dear Veggiewitch,

        Phew. That’s a relief. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Dearest Dotty,

        *massive, squishy hugs*

        Veggiewitch xxo

      • Dear Veggiewitch,

        Thank you. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  13. Not got any inclination to read it; one of my FB friends posted a picture which had the aforementioned book of word molestation alongside a scrap of paper on which was written something along the lines of “this book is shite, it’s not even proper erotica, you can get much better stuff on the internet which uses correct spelling and grammar, for FREE”.

    Reply
    • Dear fhc,

      I gave it back to Lottie when she came round to check on me. I gave her a slap for buying it and another for reading it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  14. Thank you for confiming my suspicions. Everyone I like hates FSoG. Everyone I pretend to like but secretly think are idiots (you have to get on the world) loves it. My psyche was damaged enough by Shantaram… Last week I saw a copy in a book shop window, and started shaking. Happily I’m still a Harry Potter virgin (having the copy my sister gave me in my hand doesn’t count), and I will never touch FSoG… life will go on :)

    Reply
    • Dear Ella,

      I have a copy of Shantaram, unread as yet – it’s in a pile of ‘To Reads’ somewhere. Is it shite? If so I won’t bother with it.

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Hmmm, to be fair Shantaram is entertaining enough but best analogy I can come up with… it’s like hooking up with a someone (my ex-husband’s face pops up here), then finding he’s shallow & not entirely what he seems….. Google the author/book/reviews & it may give you an idea… I just felt ripped off. Maybe I bought too much into the hype… I’ve been known to do that :)

      • Dear Ella,

        I won’t bother with it, it can go in the charity shop box.

        I think your ex-husband is my ex-husband, dead ex-Simon. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

  15. People are not nearly choosey enough about what they read… or listen to… or believe…

    Reply
  16. I love you, Dotty. I want to bite your lip. Do you want to share my sausage with me? Fnnarrr-fnnnarrr :P

    Reply
    • Dear tlsih,

      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

      Nutter. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  17. Pithy review. Nice.

    Reply
  18. Dear Dotty, I haven’t fallen into the trap of picking ‘said’ book up off the shelf, yet. All my friends are reading it. (Some not my friends just acquaintances, hey ho) I will never have to read it now because you have made me realise what utter rubbish I’ve been avoiding. I can’t believe how well the book’s done. However, I know what to do now if I write a novel, although I still wouldn’t stoop to the depths of this author, (See, I can’t even remember the name. Is it a female? Or the sex) The sentence structure is far too long also. (Hark at me!!!) Thanks for drawing my attention to this rubbish, (The book not your post). My son, ‘Insane Thoughts of a Sane Mind’ has written a post about 50 shades of a Janner which made me laugh too. Good luck with your novel. Love from Chris x

    Reply
  19. Dear Dotty,
    I have nominated you for a ‘Very Inspiring Blogger Award’ again. Your blog is so good I have to do it. Don’t feel you have to accept it though. I hope you do though. Love from Chris x http://baarmychris.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  20. Dear Dotty,

    I regret to say that I know how he smiles with a lip in his mouth. My daughter demonstrated the technique several times after growing teeth and developing a preference for hearing shrieks while she fed on my then-ample bosom.

    Love,
    Owl

    Reply
  21. Dear Dotty,

    ‘Look at the crates on that!’ is now my lady-heckle of choice. I won’t ever use it though because I am better than that.

    Reply
  22. I tried reading but couldn’t get past the 3rd chapter. My friend kept telling, “You’re getting to the good part!” Ah…. never hit it :)

    Reply
  23. Haha! Funny! Like you, you may dunk my eyeballs in a vat of acid if you see me even glance at that book!
    Thanks for the following my blog! X

    Reply
  24. Dear Dotty

    I was somewhat impressed with your review section and thinking that the sincerest form of flattery is to copy, decided to have a go myself. Consequently I’ve done this and the results can be seen via the link below. Amazingly I found a book with a title almost the same as the unmentionable shite you discuss above. What a small world is book publishing!

    D x
    http://dogsharon.com/2012/09/04/book-review-shifty-grades-of-fey-by-billy-spooner/

    Reply
    • Dear Dave,

      Amazing! :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      P.S. Just so you know, I didn’t realise you’d posted anything new – you don’t have a ‘sign up by email’ Follow button on the sidebar of your blog so I wasn’t being notified. I am now though, I went to Topics to sign up to receive notifications of your posts. I’m nice, aren’t I?

      Reply
      • Thanks for your nice words – I was inspired by you and another blogger and negatively inspired by a less able poster. I couldn’t sleep – same most nights really – and I thought of the post while deciding whether to get up or lie awkwardly in bed. I realised there were two Spoonerism possibilities – the one I used and ”Grifty fades of Shay’ – where Shay was either a Christian name or a chair and Grift means to swindle in US. That’s what comes of reading dictionaries on the loo…

        Thanks for the support. I never thought about the ‘follow by email’ button – but now I know.

        You’re very interesting, intelligent and engaging, which to me is far better then nice.

        However, it’s nice to meet someone so stimulating, interesting, intelligent and engaging. Folks like us can be nice or otherwise – being good with words is a powerful attribute.

        I’ve published a satirical novel and have copies here to send to friends – it would be nice to send one to you.

        Until then, I remain etc.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Nice is over rated and a big fat LIE.

        Yes, I’d like to read your novel but I don’t have a Kindle thingy, just plain old Word or PDF.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • I’ll send you a proper book – I’ve got some here for that very purpose. It’s up to you how we do it – you could email an address to me or my partner – or think of something else if you wish to remain anonymous (so to speak)

        The choice is yours.

        Nice can be nice – especially dipped in Earl Grey…

        Biscuits of the world unite – but be careful – you might lose a packet :)

        I’ll let you have an email address or whatever you decide, and remain your nicely humble servant.

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        Erm, sorry, I don’t give out my address, you never know who’ll come calling in the hope they’ll find an open house and free living, and then they’ll expect to be put up for weeks and weeks and I can’t afford to keep them in tea and Cumberland sausages, everything’s so PRICEY nowadays. Is your book on Amazon?

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Yes – just search for DOG Sharon x

        I’m a vegetarian so your sausages are safe with me :)

        I remain, madam, totally uncarnivorous

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        I found it! When I’ve got a bit of spare money (I’m poor, it might take a while) I’ll send for a copy, it looks interesting. :-)

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Haven’t you got a friend or a local shop I could send you a copy to – that way you don’t have to pay and remain anonymous?

        I remain, madam, your shiny non-sausage-scoffing friend,

        D xx

      • Dear Dave,

        A friend? No, I only have Branwell and a few other dead people I see occasionally. But thank you.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Okay – I suppose the dead don’t eat many sausages…

        D xx

  25. This is such a good place to go when I need to smile. Thank you Dotty.

    Reply

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