Dear Future Dead Second Husband,
How are you? Comfortable, I hope. Are they looking after you? If you don’t mind I need you to answer a few questions –
1) Are you a single zulti-zillionaire with no family, a minimum age of 99, a maximum age of no maximum- the older the better?
2) Have you spent your whole life building your fortune and now you’re lonely with no one to talk to except your nurses and the cleaners?
3) Do you want to die happy in the knowledge that your businesses and your mansions and your islands and the FUCKING LOVELY wordly goods you worked so hard for have been left to someone who will love and appreciate and cherish them for the rest of her life?
4) Can you answer positively to the above questions?
Yes?
Then HELLO, DARLING.
We can get married NOW. It’s daft to wait when we’re so deeply in love. I can read to you and we can watch Dexter together when you’re awake. I’ll make sure the nurses give you whatever drugs you need and when you get close to your time I’ll make them keep you sedated so you don’t know what’s happening because I LOVE YOU and I’d hate to see you suffer.
Lots of love,
Dotty xxxx
P.S. Send me a credit card, I need to buy a wedding dress and some shoes and some flowers and a castle for us to get married in. Darling.
1pointperspective
/ August 3, 2012I want to wish you two kids all the happiness. Just an FYI, Dotty, you guys will be needing a pool boy for your retreat in the islands, and I’m just the guy for the job. Once the old geezer drifts off to sleep, swing by my cabana and we can talk like young people until the wee hours and maybe share a few margaritas.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Pool Boy,
Margaritas with absinthe and laudanum cocktails. YES!
Love Dotty xxx
1pointperspective
/ August 4, 2012I’ll skim the pool for bugs later.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Pool Boy,
Make sure you catch them all, I’m scared of creepy crawlies.
Love Dotty xxx
the howler and me
/ August 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LOVE IT!!!
Love,
the howler and me
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear the howler and me,
So will I when the replies start rolling in.
Love Dotty xxx
EllaDee
/ August 3, 2012Dear Ms Dotty, We congratulate you upon the occasion of upcoming nuptials. We can assist you to create wealth and make the most of your investment options…. Dotty… Dotty… no, no, don’t go there…
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Ella,
I won’t. I’m going to hire a good counting person to do all the totting up.
Love Dotty xxx
Dorothy
/ August 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
Can I use this the letter to bag a second husband too? I like your idea of getting a castle and I’d like some cleaners to do the work instead of me all of the time. In fact how’d you like to do all of the writing? You do a damn fine job of that. Maybe he could pay you for doing that. Oh, never mind, I forgot, you wanted to marry a rich man so you’d never have to do anything at all (except watch Dexter and read and maybe eat Cumberland sausage sandwiches). Damn. I knew my life would have been too easy then. Oh well, time for the laundry now.
Love Dorothy
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Dorothy,
Yes, use it by all means. If I get a lot of replies I’ll pass some onto you.
Love Dotty xxx
Fish Out of Water
/ August 3, 2012The no family part is vital! That’s what tripped up Anna Nicole Smith with her 99+ yr. old hubby.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear fishy,
I know. I’m learning from her bad experience.
Love Dotty xxx
therabbitholez
/ August 3, 2012Gerroff isaw him first:)
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear trh,
There’s more than one. Do you want one?
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 3, 2012I have to like a woman with such a clear vision of what she wants out of life… and death…
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear pmao,
Preferably rapid death.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 4, 2012You are kind and thoughtful that way.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear pmao,
Yes, I am.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 4, 2012You couldn’t stand to see the poor old coot suffer, after all.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear pmao,
Not one bit. I’m kind and caring and my first thought is always for others.
Love Dotty xxx
pouringmyartout
/ August 4, 2012No one doubts it for a minute.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear pmao,
love Dotty xxx
Maggie O'C
/ August 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
You are brilliant.
Love,
Maggie
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Maggie,
If this letter works and bags me what I want, I’ll agree with you.
Love Dotty xxx
Madame Weebles
/ August 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
Now why didn’t I think of this as a marriage approach? I have a living husband (for now), but I think I’ll follow your lead for the next time around. Thank you. You’re an inspiration.
xoxo Mme Weebles
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Mme Weebles,
You’re welcome.
Love Dotty xxx
faithhopechocolate
/ August 3, 2012If you happen to get two men applying, can you send one to me? I know I’m in a religious order, but I’m only a postulant and the order could use the cash.
Xxx
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear fhc,
When you become Head Nun you can set up a separate home for ancient zulti-zillionaires and get them to leave some of their money to the order and the rest to ME for thinking of it.
Love Dotty xxx
judithatwood
/ August 3, 2012Dotty, honey,
Can I be your wedding coordinator? And then, when his time comes, I’ll know how to give him a lethal dose of whatever — I give myself shots everyday. Could be a lot of fun!
Love,
Judith
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Judith,
Yes, I’d love you to be my wedding coordinator. I’ll tell him how reasonable your fees are – £2 million per hour with all expenses met.
Love Dotty xxx
Seb
/ August 3, 2012You know, if you had tax status on in certain countries which were once part of the Soviet Union you could marry him now and he wouldn’t even need to know. They can also having him declared legally dead for a small additional fee. There are also certain progressive churches in the US which will do it for you. The hell with delayed gratification, I say.
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Seb,
Really? I want to DO IT. Where in the US? Will they do it for Brits?
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ August 3, 2012Dear Dotty,
Does he have a rich younger brother (no less than 88) for me?
Love Sailor xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear HS,
I’ll ask him. Do you want me to pass one on if I get a few offers?
Love Dotty xxx
Hellosailor
/ August 4, 2012Dear Dotty,
Yes please! They must still have their own teeth though. No falsies. Ewww.
Love HS xox
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear HS,
No, no – it doesn’t matter if they have falsies or not – you won’t have to go NEAR his mouth unless you want to feed him his dinner.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy
/ August 4, 2012You forgot that he has to be mute due to your sensitive ears…. oh and if you need a personal ice cream scooper, you just fly me over!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 4, 2012Dear Brick,
Do you have any huge ice cream cornets I could stick in his gob to keep him quiet?
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy
/ August 5, 2012we can use rocky road it has marshmellow that might work. LOL
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 5, 2012Dear Brick,
If the chunks are big they might accidentally choke him. Send some.
Love Dotty xxx
Tammy
/ August 5, 2012on it’s way!
Dotty Headbanger
/ August 5, 2012Dear Brick,
Thank you. I’ll let you know if I need thicker chunks.
Love Dotty xxx