A Nice Letter To Dotty’s Future Dead Second Husband

 

Dear Future Dead Second Husband,

 

How are you? Comfortable, I hope. Are they looking after you? If you don’t mind I need you to answer a few questions –

1) Are you a single zulti-zillionaire with no family, a minimum age of 99, a maximum age of no maximum- the older the better?

2) Have you spent your whole life building your fortune and now you’re lonely with no one to talk to except your nurses and the cleaners?

3) Do you want to die happy in the knowledge that your businesses and your mansions and your islands and the FUCKING LOVELY wordly goods you worked so hard for have been left to someone who will love and appreciate and cherish them for the rest of her life? 

4) Can you answer positively to the above questions?

Yes?

Then HELLO, DARLING.

We can get married NOW. It’s daft to wait when we’re so deeply in love. I can read to you and we can watch Dexter together when you’re awake. I’ll make sure the nurses give you whatever drugs you need and when you get close to your time I’ll make them keep you sedated so you don’t know what’s happening because I LOVE YOU and I’d hate to see you suffer.

 

Lots of love,

Dotty xxxx

 

P.S. Send me a credit card, I need to buy a wedding dress and some shoes and some flowers and a castle for us to get married in. Darling.

 

 

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42 Comments

  1. I want to wish you two kids all the happiness. Just an FYI, Dotty, you guys will be needing a pool boy for your retreat in the islands, and I’m just the guy for the job. Once the old geezer drifts off to sleep, swing by my cabana and we can talk like young people until the wee hours and maybe share a few margaritas.

    Reply
  2. Dear Dotty,
    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    LOVE IT!!!
    Love,
    the howler and me

    Reply
  3. Dear Ms Dotty, We congratulate you upon the occasion of upcoming nuptials. We can assist you to create wealth and make the most of your investment options…. Dotty… Dotty… no, no, don’t go there…

    Reply
  4. Dorothy

     /  August 3, 2012

    Dear Dotty,
    Can I use this the letter to bag a second husband too? I like your idea of getting a castle and I’d like some cleaners to do the work instead of me all of the time. In fact how’d you like to do all of the writing? You do a damn fine job of that. Maybe he could pay you for doing that. Oh, never mind, I forgot, you wanted to marry a rich man so you’d never have to do anything at all (except watch Dexter and read and maybe eat Cumberland sausage sandwiches). Damn. I knew my life would have been too easy then. Oh well, time for the laundry now.
    Love Dorothy

    Reply
  5. Fish Out of Water

     /  August 3, 2012

    The no family part is vital! That’s what tripped up Anna Nicole Smith with her 99+ yr. old hubby.

    Reply
  6. Gerroff isaw him first:)

    Reply
  7. I have to like a woman with such a clear vision of what she wants out of life… and death…

    Reply
  8. Dear Dotty,
    You are brilliant.
    Love,
    Maggie

    Reply
  9. Dear Dotty,

    Now why didn’t I think of this as a marriage approach? I have a living husband (for now), but I think I’ll follow your lead for the next time around. Thank you. You’re an inspiration.

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    Reply
  10. If you happen to get two men applying, can you send one to me? I know I’m in a religious order, but I’m only a postulant and the order could use the cash.

    Xxx

    Reply
    • Dear fhc,

      When you become Head Nun you can set up a separate home for ancient zulti-zillionaires and get them to leave some of their money to the order and the rest to ME for thinking of it. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  11. Dotty, honey,

    Can I be your wedding coordinator? And then, when his time comes, I’ll know how to give him a lethal dose of whatever — I give myself shots everyday. Could be a lot of fun!

    Love,

    Judith 8-)

    Reply
    • Dear Judith,

      Yes, I’d love you to be my wedding coordinator. I’ll tell him how reasonable your fees are – £2 million per hour with all expenses met. :-)

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
  12. You know, if you had tax status on in certain countries which were once part of the Soviet Union you could marry him now and he wouldn’t even need to know. They can also having him declared legally dead for a small additional fee. There are also certain progressive churches in the US which will do it for you. The hell with delayed gratification, I say.

    Reply
  13. Dear Dotty,
    Does he have a rich younger brother (no less than 88) for me?
    Love Sailor xox

    Reply
    • Dear HS,

      I’ll ask him. Do you want me to pass one on if I get a few offers?

      Love Dotty xxx

      Reply
      • Dear Dotty,
        Yes please! They must still have their own teeth though. No falsies. Ewww.
        Love HS xox

      • Dear HS,

        No, no – it doesn’t matter if they have falsies or not – you won’t have to go NEAR his mouth unless you want to feed him his dinner.

        Love Dotty xxx

  14. You forgot that he has to be mute due to your sensitive ears…. oh and if you need a personal ice cream scooper, you just fly me over!

    Reply

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